Untitled @friednerdvoid - Tumblr Blog

Day 2

egg white scramble / beef and broccoli stir fry on cauliflower rice / almonds and raisins

Ran for 35 minutes, coulda done more but my headphones stopped working and it killed my vibe. Did some ab work too. One month to mermaid day!

Whole 30 Day 1 - I started this nine days ago but then I fucked up my first round with alcohol (though I kept my food OK in the meantime) so I’m just restarting and trying not to think about it too much.

squash frittata/ smashed up avocado / broccoli beef stir fry / 2 oranges

I can’t believe how fucking good, good red meat is. I haven’t cooked red meat in this house...maybe ever? Well once and I bought it locally and it sucked and made me miserable and I wondered why people eat sad chewy fatty garbage and call it healthy...but then I treated myself to some organic TJ’s stuff and WOW. Ben is gonna hate me for the next month. I could eat that meat on its own. And I probably should.

If you’re reading this I decided to hold myself accountable by making this round “public,” and if not for alcohol this whole 30 is a pretty freaking easy way to live so far. Kind of effortlessly low carb because you can’t have sugar or grains, lower calorie because everything’s so filling, and it highly discourages snacking which is why I’m trying to get into it. Rewire the graze/restrict brain and just eat in a normal, non-anxiety-inducing way! Oh, and get hot. But I’m hoping and praying that comes too.

The mermaid parade is in 32 days, so I’m hoping to do the Whole 30 and then 3-4 days of PSMF to debloat a little. (Complete 180 from what I was just saying in previous paragraph I know.) I’ve gotten chubbier than I’m used to in the last 2 or so months because my workload has been off the charts, took on way too much work-wise, and I think stopping drinking will give me an extra few hours a night to spend on healthier habits, and an extra few hours in the morning where I’m not recovering from drinking, to exercise more. I’m manageably chubby, i think in the space of one disciplined month I can probably whittle myself from sad pajama slob to maybe-i’ll-wear-a-crop-top to the parade. If not physically then mentally!

If I keep posting hooray I’ve missed you guys and if I don’t I’m sorry it’s because I fell off the posting horse and the habit was pretty easy to break!? And/or it means I fell back into being a sad pajama slob. Hopefully not though cause sssssummer! is around the corner!

Day 29: 977 net calories

Weird day, had/feel like I had to just snack because I’m sharing the tiny house with my boss. I wasn’t that hungry after Sunday night’s binge-fest anyways.

My big plan was to go to the gym up here, while I’m here, but there was a snowstorm this morning! And I only brought my gym shoes. I don’t really think I can get over there. I feel dumb, this is the first time I’ve gone anywhere without my snow boots in months. Will just try and keep my calories low, again.

Day 27 and 28

I don’t have the energy to go tracking down the food pictures I took and didn’t take. Saturday turned into a whirlwind and I barely ate anything, then drank a bunch with Dan, passed out, woke up the next day and threw up all the ramen and raspberries I gobbled up in the morning the combat the inevitable hangover. So, not sure if those calories count “haha.” We ordered pasta, pizza, and calamari and I spent all day Sunday stuffing my face...like, munching up until 4:30 in the morning. Woke up at 8 to come to New Jersey, where I am now.

I don’t feel regret and I honestly don’t feel....mad at myself, or upset that I ended my sobriety challenge early. I didn’t change my mind because I was giving in to ANY amount of temptation, just like pizza sundays I didn’t even want the alcohol that bad. And obviously, it made me feel like shit. I don’t need to justify it, but after finding out Scott died and then getting an essay from J about D being alone+depressed, I just wanted to see my best friend and find out if he was OK. And that turned out great, again I don’t need to justify anything here, but for the record he’s trying to split with her which is great news to me, because I’ll get to see him more. I ate....so much yesterday, haha. I overdid it, 100%. I logged it all as 3,000 calories. And now, moving on.

This week is an unusual one because I’m up here, then...I guess I might go to a funeral, too, and still have plans to see my brother next weekend. I’m going to go to the grocery and get some easy, odorless munchables for tonight. (Sharing the tiny house with my producer tonight and real self conscious about how late I stay up+how big my dinners usually are. gonna go quiet+small. It’s just one night.) Also going to go to the gym! I’m in a weird limbo now because I never know exactly when they wrap, but I’ll probably fit my workout in after the offload so that gives him some alone time and some time to clear my head before forcing myself into bed early. Back at it, I guess. One weekend off. It is what it is.

Day 26: 587 net calories

someone I loved very much but who I very, very fucking stupidly did not reach out to lately passed away last night. I don’t know what to do with myself right now. I’ve gone through emails, texts, cried a lot, talked it out. I don’t feel guilty doing anything else, it just feels meaningless. I just don’t know what else to do right now. Got so much low-stress sleep last night, maybe I should be done forcing myself in bed at 1. Ran so much. Ate a great apple and got my nails done. They look shorter with the paint on but I know underneath they’re still growing, continuing my slow and steady weightloss analogy. Fuck.

Day 25: 776 net calories

Busy work day yesterday and something about how hard I was working+how I fell out of my cardio groove this week made me feel like I could get away with not going to the gym. But I didn’t! So funny how that little bug gets in your brain when you fall out of a routine, “I already fucked this up and now there’s no way out but to fuck it up more.” I just felt like there was no point adding cardio to a cardio-less week, but that makes no sense at all. The run felt great-I felt strong, like I could have done more than 45 minutes. Kept my pace up, my mind was “on,” and I went for a long walk afterwards plus a RAPID 20 minutes of the elliptical at the end of the night in an attempt to make it to 15k steps!!! I missed. But only because I went to the gym too late!

I’m going to feel like an idiot, but a little relieved of course, when and if I find out that all my misery+bad sleep+panic these last few weeks was keto-related. I watched a video that explained that carb restriction “works” for....3 out of 5 people, or some number, and for the other 2 out of 5 it’s no more functional or appropriate than just counting calories/other macros. Also I still have weirdness about fat, and I’ve never done an appropriate low carb/high fat balance ever, so maybe these last couple weeks I’ve just been so depleted that my emotions have fallen out of whack. I don’t know, but for the record I feel a little chubbier and I don’t know if it’s psychosomatic-but I also feel calmer and my urine is finally clear (haha!) and I can run without heart issues....so I’ll take it. It’s still early in my experimentation. At the end of the day it would be nice to just be able to eat anything/have a sustainable diet for the long haul, just get really used to portion sizes while losing the weight.

It’s pretty crazy to me that I’ve been doing this for 25 days straight. Right now at this moment I don’t feel ANY different though occasionally I feel parts of my body and can tell they’re smaller, so it could all be in my head. It’s tough/wonderful keeping zero track of my physical progress besides checking off a calendar. Definitely hoping that someday I’ll just step on a scale and be in the 120′s. My brother wants to drink with us next week (Thursday will be one month of no alcohol!!!) and I need to figure out my plans for after that. Once a week allowances? One bottle per week allowances?? I can’t go back to how I did things but I gotta go back at some point. (Or just push it back, we’ll see how I feel next week.) I earnestly thought that 6 weeks of this (including the month of sobriety) would propel me straight to my goal but this is going to take more time. I guess I’ll just keep going until I’m there, but I need to decide how alcohol plays into that. Even after this I don’t think I’m some normal girl who can drink 1-2 glasses of wine “with dinner” and be satisfied. I always seem to want the buzz plus the blackout, and as a small person trying to lose weight (oh yeah, and LIVE TO SEE FIFTY) I can’t live like that anymore. Maybe I should just drop wine and do vodka and soda water like a normal person trying to lose weight. I don’t know. Or, honestly, just keep doing these one month challenges. Or one week challenges. I don’t fucking know, all I know is I need something to stick to. I don’t want anything derailing my progress because this time I think I’m really, seriously onto something and even though I can’t check my weight because that too might derail my progress-it mathematically has to be working at this point. Maybe I was slimmer before I started all this yo-yoing bullshit, but this is still the longest streak of progress I’ve had since logging my food on tumblr started back in 2016. And I do not want to fuck that up. Hoping, really hoping, that if I’m not already in the 120′s that I will be at some point this month-and will be cruising towards 115 for Spring. 110 for the summer. That’s realistic, if I keep doing what I’m doing. And you know, if I don’t have some thyroid issue I don’t know about yet. I just need to go to the doctor and ask him or her not to tell me my weight. That’s it! Ugh.

Day 24: 953 net calories

I had so so so so so so much work to do yesterday. Happy I kept my calories low! I also had a shit ton of work to do today, so I’m writing this up pretty late. I’m glad I’m bumping my carbs back. It makes me feel fatter, but I know it’s just mental. And I also know I haven’t had time to be active the last three days. Just got back from a run, a walk, and an elliptical “sprint” and I overheard a woman at the gym tell another woman that she was working out to have a body that looks like mine, but “with a little more meat on her bones.” Made my fucking night.

Still here, still here, still here. Need to remember that even on days when I can’t follow my regimen, I’m still doing WELL. I’m still not drinking, I’m still eating home-cooked food, I’m still staying under on my calories. And it’s still only been less than a month!!! Just because I am not at my goal yet, doesn’t mean I’m not still HERE, making it happen.

Day 23: 1,034 net calories

Yesterday was a little different, Amy wanted to meet for lunch so I had that sashimi plate (entered as 315, I didn’t finish it so it may have been less) and walked the 100-ish minutes back to Brooklyn. I had a ton of work again (3 days in a row! damn!) so did not exercise beyond the walk. I was SO SNACKY yesterday-stress related, maybe? I didn’t do too bad, considering, but a good example of how LUCKY i am to have a clear schedule right now. I haven’t been tossed from the horse yet, but breaking the routine really...breaks the routine.

Adding back more healthy carbs in light of the heart-flutter. I couldn’t figure out what I wanted as a late night snack and as soon as I saw the apple it was exactly what I wanted. Happy that fruit feels like a treat, wow.

Day 22: 932 calories, 42 net carbs

Yikes. Yesterday felt BAD. Yesterday felt really bad. I just have gotten so into my routine and my focus and yesterday shook things up a lot, and I ended up just hating myself and my lack of dramatic progress (despite dramatic change) and it just felt so awful. I’ve been in such a shit mood for the last week. It’s weird feeling so upset and not blaming it on alcohol, too. I always just assumed I would fly off the handle about certain things because I was always suffering from a hangover or whatever-when in fact it’s just...me. I get blindingly annoyed by things, go figure. And especially when I only get 4 hours of sleep, like yesterday.

Instead of whining about everything that happened yesterday, I will say that I felt my first, “you know what, fuck it, who cares, this doesn’t matter anymore, I’m drinking” and I didn’t. I even told Ben about the feeling and he asked if I really wanted to go back on my goal based on a feeling of anger, so the strength of this process is clearly felt by both of us. I also wanted to extend the cheat meal another day out of anger+sleepiness, but I didn’t. Yeah I didn’t make it to the gym and yeah I had a 20g carb little handful of raisins again, but that was the worst weightloss mistake I made and that really isn’t the end of the world. I also felt a weird pull to weigh myself, but instead I took a progress picture and re-realized that it’s a rotten idea. I’ve absolutely lost fluff in my belly (which was so crazy-distended when I started this) and I can definitely feel if not see that my hips are more slim-but I look like I still might be in the 130′s and I can’t handle that discouragement right now.

I guess it’s crazy to me that I could be eating under my TDEE, working out with great regularity, and, AND not drinking 1200 calories of sugar poison every night and the weight isn’t just falling off me. I fucking hope my years of pulling this shit and fucking it up hasn’t destroyed my metabolism. I hope my body isn’t just like “you know what, fuck it, i am no longer committed to these bullshit processes anymore, you are stuck with this alcoholic 30-something year old body forever.” i wish i could know. and i guess yesterday that’s how i felt all day. at least last night i got over 8 hours of sleep, so i feel a little less like Completely Defeated. Hoping today’s better. Glad I didn’t take anything out on myself last night. Still here.

Week Two Done

I feel like shit today. I feel like shit all the time.

Day 21: 1082 net calories, maybe 25 net carbs

Well, I wanted to work out more yesterday but my heart started fluttering when I started running AGAIN. I went for a walk instead. I don’t know what’s going on.

Pizza was good, again I wasn’t ravenous for the cheat or anything like that-which remains a good thing. This would have been barely a cheat at all BUT I did also have several bites of ben’s full calorie pie that I logged as 250. The carmelized onion honestly remains the best part of the dish. I don’t want to ruin the magic of Pizza Sunday, but I could totally fit this into my macros on a normal day, haha. Just don’t want to rely on too many frankenfoods...

Day 20: 1231 net calories, i don’t know carbs

Man I really wish I could program loseit to “let me” have a rest day without making it visually look like I ate like a pig. (red zone.)

The rest day was good, maybe too good, I don’t feel like going for a run now even though I’m due for a long one in anticipation of PIZZA tonight! I found a quest pie so it’ll be low carb BUT i will be adding approximately one entire caramelized onion so it’ll be a bit more carby than it would have been. I have an early morning with a shitty client tomorrow so I’m in a sour mood but still going strong. Three weeks tomorrow! Doin’ it.

Day 19: 283 net calories, 28 net carbs

Yesterday started great and ended up so shitty. I was really on track to feel better and while I will say my anxiety is mega-in check compared to before, I think I’m gonna have a bad few personal days that might result in just...being less happy, I guess. Had a great fasted cardio session yesterday morning, then went to TJs to stock up on the weekend’s food, came home for a very late breakfast of a new flavor of ketochow and a shared stewed tahini spinach which was way better to choke down than the “smoothie.” (going forward I might just do a sesame oil+spinach sautee to get the whole bag into my body.) Listened to my cravings instead of my routine and ended up making a very green salad with more spinach, sprouts, avocado, sunflower seeds for dinner. I had hard, hard alcohol cravings at night and I honestly really tempted them by announcing on twitter that I was 19 days sober and listening to a bunch of music/posting about a bunch of music on social media. Usually something I would do, drunk. And Ben wasn’t home, and it was a Friday. My throat hurt but I didn’t give in. I think the name of the game is not thinking about it too much, yesterday was hard. I ordered a ukelele though, so that’ll occupy my mind. :)

In other news, I was tempted to weigh myself today but I wisely put it off. I ate too little yesterday (was saving up for a big dinner and then after last night’s Greek tragedy I just forced myself to eat an avocado and went to bed. very green day!) and why mess with what’s working? I also don’t feel too much thinner yet, though my midsection is finally losing some of that holiday bloat for sure. Stomach under ribs very slowly returning to concave when I lie on my back, but not totally there yet. I should wait til either 6 weeks, or when I visibly look smaller to weigh......hopefully, fuck, by 6 weeks that will be true. Though I had such an indulgent month of xmas and obviously years before that to really pack on the stubborn bulk. If I’m not in the 120′s when I finally step on that scale I’ll feel so miserable so I want to put it off as long as possible. Loseit keeps giving me those “projected goal weight by this date!” updates but it’s obviously being pushed back and back because I’m not logging my current weight dropping at all, will continue to use my steady+consistent logs as my projection. I’ve eaten above 1400 calories like....twice in almost a month-I know I’m doing the right things. I’m also not even a month in, I should chill out.

Goals for today...I don’t know. Play it by ear. I have zero going on in work+life and today would be a good day for a rest day. I don’t know. Working out is like...all I have to do during the day, haha. Maybe we’ll watch Groundhog Day.

Anxiety Update

Went to the gym BEFORE formal breakfast and had a way better time. Before leaving I had 4 crackers and some raspberries, more carbs than I’m used to, and throughout I just tried to not focus on my breathing and let it happen. Infinitely better. I think 1 small carby snack before almost-fasted cardio could be the way to go. Ran 45 minutes and biked 30, just had breakfast and I feel infinitely better. Hope the feeling lasts all day, I just feel like my insides took a warm bath. Awesome.

Day 17: 690 net calories, 32.5 net carbs

A little higher on the carbs yesterday, but I’m experimenting to see if it solves my anxiety at all. Mostly raspberry-related. I hate people that use their greatest tragedy as an excuse for everything they do, but ever since my anorexia deprivation of ANY kind makes me super, super anxious. Alcohol or food. It’s why I eat so late at night, I think. Maybe overthinking is the only thing causing this BS anxiety. I don’t know. Today I might add a few calories here and there and see if mentally that solves anything. I don’t know what the fuck is happening, obviously, but I don’t want my own brain to get in the way of my progress. I just don’t understand why I don’t feel better, but HAHA maybe part of this is just being a normal, sober person. When I woke up hungover every single day I just thought I was a garbage person who deserved feeling like shit every single day. Go figure living normally means having some bad days, too.

I am going to try to go to the gym a little earlier today, get some endorphins going. Eat a little more, and really keep focusing on calming myself down. I took two baths yesterday, got in bed right at 1 and slept pretty well last night, and am planning on eating more so I’m hoping this helps. In other happier news-I fucking love my mealplan and every meal makes me so happy and I’m so happy to find meals that make me so emotionally+texturally satisfied without being super unhealthy!!!! Not very green but I am choking down half a bag of blended spinach every day too. Will keep working on getting more greens, even if it means just blending up a shit ton of veggies and choking even more down.

In other also better news: I’m on my 18th day without alcohol. This is amazing. I don’t feel better right now, but I know I am better. I was telling Ben the other night that I feel like my brain is making more room for other things, filling time that I would have filled with getting drunk with other things like new TV shows, books, podcasts, new music, guitar. I’d like to create something with this time eventually, instead of just ingesting, but I’ll figure that out when I figure it out.

my anxiety is fucking destroying me today/yesterday. I hate not knowing if this is.....an electrolyte imbalance, a serious heart issue, a not-so-serious heart issue, a vitamin deficiency, too much exercise, too few carbs, too little iron, too much iron, OR anxiety. at this point it’s whatever it is AND anxiety, because obviously I’m just scaring the shit out of myself listening to my heart beat constantly. I went to the gym and started to run and felt my heart skip a beat. So I walked. And I felt it again. So I just....walked. Ran for a bit at the end and felt fine. Came home and took a bath, ate dinner to which I added half an avocado and half a packet of raspberries, could not hurt. I don’t know what the fuck is going on and I hate it because I know a physical might tell me I’m fine, but I don’t want to get the physical because I don’t want to know my weight or hear my liver status right now, at this moment. Fucking anxiety.

A normal person (besides getting the damn physical) would probably up the calories because I am running/walking two hours a day, but I’m so fucking reluctant and WHY. There’s no fucking RUSH for me to lose weight except for needing to get a physical. The end of this six week period does NOT mean the end of this, for me. I’m not going back to how I was, so the journey won’t be over, there’s no fucking obligation to lose 15 pounds in six weeks. I need to calm down. I hate this feeling. I’m not getting enough sleep. Why don’t I feel better? I guess that’s fucking why. I’m exhausting myself. I’m so bad at taking things easy but at the same time I feel so fucking lazy all the time. I hate this.

Day 16: 572 net calories, 61 net carbs

Whew, yesterday was hard. Aside from the ketoflu/brutally sick days, yesterday was maybe my hardest day yet physically and mentally. I don’t know what was up, but I was just in a state of panic all day. Really sleepy but really panicked. I took a nap which sort of helped, but my mind was just racing and it felt like my heart was too, and then I’d check and it’d only be like...60 bpm and I’d freak out again. Last night I woke up and realized after lying awake for 40 minutes, that I’d been worrying that ENTIRE time. About: not losing weight, how late ben was staying up, money, whether or not I was getting enough electrolytes, when I should schedule my physical and whether they would tell me my weight then, or if I wanted them to. I was just...in such a panicked state, all day. Unbelievably I stayed within my calories range, but outside of everything photographed I had tons of almonds and raisins. And the raisins blew me out on my carbs. (I had 19 carbs before having a handful of raisins!!! damn.) When I started telling ben how worried I was about how easily I was letting myself go on the raisins, he reminded me that they were just raisins, which was a really good point. Of all the “treats” to go overboard on, raisins aren’t the most criminal. I just don’t like my anxiety putting me in a place where I can so comfortably self medicate with ANYTHING that goes in my mouth, especially something I’m trying to avoid. Although maybe it was a blood sugar thing, they helped. I think in the end I did not get enough sleep, I woke up super stressed because I had work to turn in first thing that I didn’t know how to do, I did not drink a lot of coffee which may have threw me outta wack a little, and....? Not sure. But last night I got a good 7 hours, I’m waking up with relaxing music, going to drink a quarter of my liter of water before getting coffee, and will just continue listening to my body. Try not to overthink everything. That may have been a thing yesterday too-I pre logged everything I would eat that day and I think that gave me anxiety too? I don’t know. Writing it all down so I can read back later and figure out what doesn’t work, because yesterday was shit.

Today, just taking it easy. I would love to make it to both gyms if possible. Organize my bedside table. Send an invoice. Take a bath. It’s a quiet day and it’s supposed to get very cold this week. We washed all of our bed sheets and comforters yesterday and it is HEAVEN in that bed. For all the shit I felt yesterday, getting into that bed after a hot shower last night was maybe the best sensation I’ve had in months. And not something I could have fully enjoyed or appreciated if I wasn’t sober. So thank heavens for that being so relatively easy to maintain this time. Haven’t decided on whether I’m going six weeks or not, I guess my only reluctance is if I move back the goalposts I’ll be more likely to “mess up” between week four and week six, and I don’t want to feel like a failure AT ALL if/when I make it a month. It’s real rich how I’m contemplating this so early, too. I don’t know aaaanything about how I’ll be feeling in two weeks, or what my tentative plans will be. Will just have to wait and see.

Trending Blogs

Recently Viewed Blogs

Untitled