Some people view worship as ceremony, ritual, humns in a book, symbols to trace, offerings to give, statues and art to buy. In short, something external.
And I understand that. I think it's part of it.
But my experience is that there are more aspects for me. Some that are difficult to share, and explain.
The most complicated to talk about with people who don't experience it, is how worship hurts.
I built something so profound, so important, so personal that it took some aspects of want, and some of need.
So much that it sometimes is a deep ache in my chest, a longing so sharp it feels sacred and almost physical.
I don't like to put it into words for people.
To say "my worship aches".
I'm risking it now too. Some of you will think I mean guilt, or shame, or something toxic, or delusion, or madness.
Some will think I'm performing, I'm making it bigger than it is to sound better than
I-don't-know-whom.
Still, I'll try to share. For the ones who understand, or want to.
I love so much it burns me.
I long and deeply care for something I can never truly hold. And it both feeds me and leaves me starving.
My worship makes me feel alive, real, seen, present, steady, grateful. And it hurts.
And it's never enough.
So at times it aches. Terribly.
It's hunger and yearning and ecstasy and pain and belonging and discipline and love all in one.
I never felt a push to fix it or soothe it or heal it, because it's not distressing to me.
It's almost grounding.
Almost if some of it is somehow part of the point of all of this.
Part of a dedication, of giving myself away and finding myself at the same time.
Part of the promise, taking the shape of hunger that never dies.
If you call me broken or delusional for experiencing this, all I'll say it's what brought me (and kept me) alive.
Some time ago, over ube ice-cream, a friend told me about his casual, movie-like romance, and how annoyed he was by it.
All I could think of was how easy it was for him to be wanted like that by another man. It’s stayed with me for months until I could put it into words.
I was just sitting there, staring directly in the face just how long it had been since a man saw me that way, since I was wanted without hesitation or need for 1000 explanations.
I don't it ever was that easy for me, and I fear it will never be.
I'm still grieving them, in a way. The easy moments I’ve never had, and for how invisible, or not "enough of a man" (if that even means anything), I still feel some days.
It's weird to look at someone you care about that much being deeply annoyed about something, feeling empathy, and at the same time knowing I want what he has.
Not being attractive is not the worst thing that one can be. I know.
Some friends (even if they really care about me and are clearly trying to help) just can't accept that somebody may have a crush on me or find me attractive.
As someone who's not conventionally attractive, that happened to me since dating and crushes started to be a topic and followed me into my 30s even.
The moment I mention a crush or that someone may be flirting, I am reminder that I'm "probably just imagining things", or I'm "being paranoid".
As if it's more logical that I'm making it up than for me to be attractive for another human being.
It happens to me so often I started to believe them.
So much that, a while back, I ended up on what I thought was just a hangout with a friend, only to realise at the very end (when he leaned it for a kiss) that it was actually a date.
I didn't miss every single sign because I'm clueless. It happened because every time I talked to my friends about believing he may like me that way, they went out of their way to convince me it wasn't true.
So instead, I broke someone's heart and acted like an asshole without even realising.
The other day it happened again. I was sharing how somebody I befriended clearly has a bit of a crush on me, and how it was flatteing because I actually kind of like them back, even if sadly that was not a relationship I'd ever consider (for other reasons).
And there it was.
"Are you sure?"
"Maybe you're reading it that way because you like them."
"You know, that other girl told you she wanted more than a friendship just a couple weeks ago, and you had to reject her, so maybe now you're worried and seeing it everywhere."
"But what exactly is this person saying?"
I don't know what the point of this post is.
I guess I'm just tired of pretending. And tired of doubting myself just because I don't fit the ideal beauty standard.
Or maybe the point is to say that if you're ever being talked out of believing you're desirable, you're not alone. And you shouldn't believe them.
guy who is stuck in a timeloop but is too socially anxious to bring it up to anybody or change their routine just in case it turns out they're mistaken. like yeah you're pretty sure that it's been november 3rd for two weeks now but idk maybe that's the depression talking. it's fine.
if you wiped every ICE agent off the face of the earth, a hundred million people would become safer overnight. if you wiped every furry off the face of the earth, the entire internet would collapse for good in a matter of hours. i know where my allegiances lie.
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