Trying to kick GP's ass

21. Gastroparesis. PCOS. Endometriosis. Gastric Pacemaker. All are welcome here.

[thequotejournals]

I am so tired, love. I’m so very, very tired.

Tahereh Mafi (via thequotejournals)

[ftchronicallyill-blog]

Good news! Amazing news!! I had surgery (after 3 years of not knowing my rlq pain source) to check for endometriosis and I have it! Why all the exclamation points? Because I've been fighting this battle for three years with doctors insisting something isn't right and now they can officially put a name to it. My surgeon went above and beyond just removing the endometriosis; he also removed my appendix, removed an ovarian cyst (mine have a proclivity to *pop*), scoped my bladder (to check for interstitial cystitis-don't have it), and my intestines and ovaries were all stuck together because of the endo, so he freed those organs, too. Had an internal bleeding scare the night after surgery and thus an ER trip, but that turned out to be nothing. There's a 50/50 chance one of the incisions is infected so I'll have to watch it. I've had quite a bit of pain as expected for abdominal surgery; about the only thing that doesn't hurt is moving my toes/fingers. During the ER trip they upped my pain meds because that wasn't cutting it. I'm on 10mg of oxycodone and 800mg of ibuprofen now, so I've been able to sleep.

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Life has been busy and messy so I haven't posted in a while. Before the end of the 2016 my closest friend left my life, my dog of 13 years died, and I got 3 bouts of strep, which doctors insisted was because of the NJ tube. After the first two incidents of strep (in 3 weeks) I let my GI doctor pull my feeding tube. I didn't want it done, but I had three doctors I'd see on a regular basis that would talk to me about getting the tube out every time I see them. I was already having a bad Gastroparesis week and ended up in the hospital. You know what happened without having the tube in? My third round of strep. Doctors don't believe you until they see it. I haven't had strep since then thankfully. I have another exciting update I'll make in another post. I'm still here. Still kicking chronic illnesses asses. Still winning.

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So tonight my period started. It's only been nine days since my last one and that lasted a month. Feeling absolutely defeated this is what I had to say to a close friend: "And this is not always what chronic illness/pain looks like. Not always me smiling in spite of the pain. But me crying because of the pain and because I know what's to come. Not always me being strong or inspirational, but me breaking, alone and crying."

[ftchronicallyill-blog]

This is my last post, I swear. I am happy! Consistently!! This may seem silly, but I doubt it with how the world is doing emotionally, but for me it's a big deal. Being bounced in and out of hospitals with my health going from good to terrible really put my emotions in a state of flux, but with help from God and my family and friends I'm doing quite well. I haven't been in an ER for 3 weeks or so and I've been out of the hospital for 2 weeks! I made it through an entire week of work and only had to come in later once. This weekend was a welcome rest rather and I'm still looking forward to going back to work tomorrow. Here's how I see it: My conditions may not be curable, but that doesn't automatically mean I lose. I win every time I get out of bed, every time I smile, every time I make it to work I win. What's helped me is finding all of the positive things I did no matter the size and magnifying it. To everyone who's reading this and anyone on this earth: you are here for a reason. No matter how dark the night YOU MATTER! Keep getting up. Keep pressing on. You are strong.

[ftchronicallyill-blog]

Things are looking up!

Or they were. I went a solid two months without throwing up every day. Maybe once a week. I gained 10lbs... I think all of this is due to the fact that I pretty much just ate bread products. I don't actually want to be gaining weight, so I've switched back to doing feeds more consistently and I'm trying low calorie filling snacks (rice cakes or crackers). In the last three days I have been throwing up every day; today especially. Ahhh the gastroparesis Rollercoaster. The good news is I'm happy! My pain has gotten worse, but it's been managed.

[ftchronicallyill-blog]

Being in and out of many doctor's offices I get used to them coming and going, but my favorite doctor left, so now theirs only one motility specialist at the hospital and she works ONE day a week, took February off, and is booked up until May. Thankfully my gut is behaving rather well at this point in time, but I do want to get the ball rolling with the whole j-tube thing.

[ftchronicallyill-blog]

One of the hardest things about being chronically unwell is guilt. As if somehow I should feel bad about doing something I need. Taking pain medication or having to miss out on things really started to take a toll on me mentally until I realized that I don't need to feel bad for it. If I were to take medication just to get a high of some sort or miss out on things out of laziness rather than inability THEN I should feel bad. Now I am working on consistently refusing to feel bad for doing my genuine best; even if that just means getting out of bed that day.

[ftchronicallyill-blog]

Back in the hospital again. I have pneumonia in the same spot I did before. I never used to mind hospitals, but now I'm really tired of them. I bounced back really quickly last time, so hopefully that's still the case.

[ftchronicallyill-blog]

Typically I'm not a fan of saying "it could be worse" but today is not that day. What's worse than Gastroparesis? Vomiting from GP while having strep throat. Yay.

[livliv-14-deactivated20181116]

All my life has been a silent fight to be okay.

(via livliv-14)

The truth

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"19 is too young to have this many things going on with you" Yeah try telling my body that.

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My anthem

If I can make it through today I can make it through tomorrow.

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S.O.S.

What are you supposed to do when you've taken all of the pain meds, relaxed yourself, drawn, and done everything else you can to knock the pain down...and it DOESN'T work?? I don't know what the best answer is. I'm gonna cling to my body pillow and hope for sleep. "God will help her at the break of day."

[ftchronicallyill-blog]

Chronic pain picked the wrong chick to mess with today.

[ftchronicallyill-blog]

I am now the owner of splenic flexure syndrome! Why, body? Why must you be SO weird?!?? In other news I had q very pleasant visit with my PCP and she even said she’d refill the morphine if need be!