[alwaystob3sk1nny]

[hopes--prayers]

.☘︎ ݁˖ ࣪ ˖⊹ ࣪ ˖ . ݁⊹ . ݁

oh to be muscular in the way thin guys can...

[ftmcals]

@ my heaviest and want to cry. Went vegetarian about 2 months ago but can’t seem to curb my drinking frequency. Trying to half my amount and really want to eat healthier rather than restricting because despite what everyone says, it absolutely ruins your metabolism and just makes you gain so much more

[ftmcals]

My bf never went to Spain and now I can’t restrict like I planned

[ftmcals]

[ftmcals]

I feel like I was never challenged as to why I felt trans or what led me to the realisation. It wasn’t truly dug into beyond the surface of me regurgitating what I heard other trans people say to therapists. They were things I thought I felt at that time but they were sort of just blindly affirmed in a way??? I was never a tomboy growing up but became masculine in my teens and I thought I couldn’t see myself aging as a woman but I can’t see myself aging as a man either? Like the thought of aging and dying are terrifying to me yknow? Not to even mention how awful it would be medically, socially and legally detransitioning. Almost not worth thinking about. And yet it creeps back up 1-2 times a year consistently. I need to talk to a therapist

[ftmcals]

Over the last few years while on T I’ve had phases lasting a few weeks about thinking of what life would be like if I never transitioned/ if I detransitioned etc and it’s really scary in those times tbh. I always ‘snap out of it’ after I shave my facial hair and not like how I look but I think part of that is just due to how I hold fat on my face now that i HATE. I shaved my head last week because my hair was so bleach/stress damaged and I HATE how I look with how it accentuates my fat face and has me all confused again. I need to talk to a therapist about these thoughts. It’s driving me insane. Not to mention my boyfriend who is a gay man. He’s trans but is insistent on not being attracted to women and joked many times about breaking up with me if I detransition. He’s the love of my life. Idk what to do. He’s going to live in Spain for a while this year so idk what will happen. I hate this uncertainty because I’ve been living as a man for 8 years and came to the ‘realisation’ I was trans at age 16? Nearly 10 years ago. So I never had teenage girlhood just an awkward in between stage. I feel so strange about it

[ftmcals]

I don’t think I could ever be a girl without restricting all the time. There is something more forgiving about presenting as a man and being heavier (although I still loathe how I look in the mirror compared to a few years ago)

[ftmcals]

My bf is moving to Spain for a few months in spring and all I can think about it so it’ll be a great idea to start fasting again in private. Even though I’m going to miss him, I’m really looking forward to start losing weight. Because he has a history of ed, I can literally never lose weight while being with him because he’ll say how I’m relapsing etc. I was just thinking about how I’m never going to be happy out even about the fact that I’m as overweight as I am. It’s just not going to happen

[ftmcals]

I think restriction is so much more sustainable than fasting imo but to lose 4 stone I really don’t want to slow my metabolism down and then end up in the same situation I am now. Protein and weightlifting are supposed to help the most but I just put on muscle too which I don’t want rn. Idk. Feeling stuck

[ftmcals]

I can understand the cbt around EDs and speak up about how awful EDs are and yet still after so much expensive therapy I still believe I will never be ok with weight gain and always attach value to my weight

[ftmcals]

depression….

[ftmcals]

how do people fast as an adult with a full time job

[ftmcals]

I’m probably close to 50 or more lbs heavier than my lw from recovery … fucking disgusting

[ftmcals]

I’ve not fasted in such a long time while in recovery and the feeling of being hungry is actually so horrible

[ftmcals]

missing this body

[ftmcals]

Does ANYONE know what happened to her? Did she recover?