Hello and welcome to my blog! (*⁰▿⁰*) This is my first post on this acc, and this acc is a throwaway ig because posting on main is lowk scary… I hope you enjoy the read and any feedback or comments on anything really would be appreciated! I would love to hear your opinion lol (if you have on). I didn’t try to proof read this as much as possible but yea there may be typos and errors here and there!
wc : 2500~
“Maybe if she wasn’t around, loving him would be easier…”
Thoughts like these plagued your mind regularly, since you met him. A version of yourself you couldn't fully recognise, so instead you preferred to chain it up in the very depths of your soul rather than confront the ugly truth. After all everything you were was because of him, and the futile hope that maybe one day he’d look at you with those soft caring eyes filled with unconditional love.
Xia Yizhou…more commonly known as Colonel Caleb Xia of the Farspace Fleet. Your one and only unrequited love.
You’ve known Caleb since you were young, as you’re the same age and found yourselves in the same classes more often than not throughout your school years. You weren’t close friends by any means, not strangers either, especially now since you're working as a nurse for the Farspace Fleet Medical Unit. Because of that you’ve started to see Caleb quite often. Even the smallest glimpses of him make your day entirely…your week honestly. His eyes specifically have always drawn you in; the most resplendent indigo shade that reminded you of the Orion Nebuela… however his eyes are devoid of anything meaningful emotions until she’s brought up. His honourary younger sister in a way, and his one true love.
You liked rain, the smell and sound of the water hitting the window was peaceful. Though being cold and wet with a strong smell of mildew wasn't exactly pleasant, in your opinion neither was strong sunshine where you were sweaty and pungent.
With a sigh you pull your gaze away from the window down at your desk where a clipboard with a notable stack of papers lay. Today wasn’t meant to be an interesting day, but then again no day was truly interesting… unless life decided to bless you with a glimpse of Caleb, the only thing you ever looked forward to in your dull life. Nonetheless you were an adult with responsibilities you had to attend to, so with an aloof demeanour you read the contents of the clipboard.
**Farspace Fleet Quarterly Health Exam**
Read the bold letters on the first page. Tasks like this were methodical: check-up, note down information, and repeat. No need for more small talk or smiles just work or any major brain power. Assigned by your boss on top of your main responsibilities because why would you need a break? You skimmed through the names quickly pretending to ignore the fact that he stood out instantly… Caleb Xia. Life must've taken pity on you sensing that your dull life could use some light. Setting the clipboard down you hummed and tied your hair back preparing for the first patient.
That is until he walked into the room, his presence taking up just as much space as his imposing figure. Caleb Xia… he was so handsome despite his tired appearance. But he was always handsome so no surprise there.
“Welcome Colonel. Take a seat for me please” he sat almost robotically responding with a mere baritone hum, not too long not too short but just enough to acknowledge your existence; violet eyes staring at the rain bashing against the windows thick glass. It made you wonder if he was thinking about Emcee, she wasn't a fan of the rain after all, much more preferring the warm summer time sun.
Your eyes drifted from the sphygmomanometer to the sight of him taking his coat off, presenting his left arm to you. Permission for you to allow your hands to trail up his left arm to his bicep…strong, firm and his skin impossibly warm and begin taking his blood pressure.
You wrap the cuff of the sphygmomanometer around his bicep and turn the machine watching as the bladder fills up with air restricting the blood flow, the veins on his upper arm beginning to bulge simultaneously. His skin creamy pale and reddening at the tightness of the cuff — so pretty and so alive unlike his right arm that despite its humanoid appearance it’s always cold — thoughts of licking and nibbling his skin till bright red marks bloomed all over filled your head until a beep snapped you out of your trance.
“116/73 ... this looks good in normal range…” you click your pen and note it down promptly, somewhat embarrassed at your inability to control your thoughts around him. The rest of the exam went as follows, his results not having a significant change since his last checkup three months ago and staying safe and in range.
His last bodily check was unique as it was a verbal assessment of his arm, just some questions you had for him… nothing major really the higher ups were always interested in the state of their golden frog.
“How is your prosthetic arm feeling Colonel? Any issues or opinions you'd like to report? ”
“It’s been fine. Nothing to report”
“Noted, I was told to inform you that Mr. Valko has been wondering about your arm. And to expect a personal call from him soon.”
The fact that he’s tired is evident by the hollowness around his eyes and the stubble on his face. He looks drained yet you selfishly prolonged the checkup, at some point you ended asking menial things...until you ran out of “professional” questions to ask. As a last resort plan of sorts you’d bring her up just to watch how his face morphed from cold and destitute of any warmth, light up and a smile creep up on his face.
“How’s Emcee... have you talked to her recently” The change in his demeanour is instant like you breathed life into him.
“She’s fine, why do you ask?”
“Just wondering…I saw her at the cafe a few weeks ago but she was with someone so I didn’t have the chance to approach her… ” Your voice is calm as you tidy your tools up but when you meet his gaze again his eyes are burning with an emotion you can’t pinpoint. It's like a swirl of a hundred things at once, morbid curiosity however being at the forefront.
“Who... Who was she with?”
“Um I’m not exactly sure because I only saw his back and I was just passing by ... It was a man though.”
His gaze is sharp on you, almost predatory burning holes through the layers of your skin. Making you stammer as you respond.
“Oh em…he was quite large in a way I didn’t see at first…broad shoulders…tall looking guy, with straight black hair and if I’m not wrong I think I saw glasses…? Take it with a grain of salt”
His expression dropped once more to something softer, almost dog like. Solemn realisation, an expression of his you were never blessed enough to see, until now that is.
“I see. Were they just talking?”
You shook your head no before trying to remember and answering.
“Kind of… it looked more like they were out of brunch….he had his hand on hers and she looked happy…um I can’t remember too much”
“Happy…” He paused for a moment, eyes drifting back to the window where the rain had stopped and sun began to filter in. “...I see.”
Caleb pondered before answering, probably wondering if telling you was worth it or not. A familiar emotion painted his features once his gaze met yours again, you knew this feeling very well, disturbingly familiar.
“Zayne… I don’t know if you remember him…he’s a bit older than me and you…smart guy you know. He’s a doctor now… and as of recent her boyfriend”
“Oh. Doctor Zayne Li the cardiac surgeon… I vaguely remember him though I’ve heard more about him as an adult. And they’re dating that’s good…for her I mean.”
Despite your sympathetic tone which was real in a way, that part of you that you so desperately repressed basked in the knowledge that Emcee was out of Caleb’s reach now. That she wasn’t an urgent threat anymore, it made you almost certain the only one who wanted more than just a platonic brother to her, that his view on their relationship was vastly different to hers. It was an odd feeling to have, Why did it feel this way? You love him so much and just wanted him to be happy yet despite knowing that he's hurting you can't help but savour that feeling of relief that bloomed inside you. Was a middle school crush enough to break the chains you had so carefully made, enough to unleash the ugly version of you that so selfishly desired him? Maybe not. It should have never been enough, but it was Caleb and suddenly that made all the difference.
“Does that make you sad? That she’s dating Zayne?”
He looked almost repulsed at your comment, and you do admit you spoke before you thought it through. Prolonging the matter had your heart erupting with sick satisfaction that was beginning to fuel your years of built up love and admiration.
“Sad? No…she’s like my sister after all I love her and want what’s best for her. Her happiness above all…”
“Yea, above my own….why do you ask?”
Realising that you may have probed a bit too far you double down standing up to put the sphygmomanometer away before answering.
“You looked sad when you mentioned it…and well saying that her happiness is above your own kinda implies that you are sad about it.”
“I’m just tired. And I worded it wrong. I didn't mean it in that way.”
“I see, sorry if I made you uncomfortable I shouldn’t have assumed”
He looked at you hard as you sat down and suddenly felt a wave of insecurity flood your senses as his eyes raked up and down your body. They begin at your hair then slowly down to your face, then your torso, then your legs, only to repeat it a few times over each time looking less at your face and more at your hair making you wonder if there was something wrong with the way it looked. And for a second you swore you saw his expression, looking at you as if you were just as precious to him as Emcee.
“It’s fine…” He paused for a long second before speaking again, his gaze still stuck on head, more specifically your hair. Like he was looking for something specific. “Have you ever considered wearing your hair natural more often?”
Excuse me? What do you mean by that?”
“Wearing it natural? Not tied back all the time you know….”
“I have to for my job…hygine and stuff my boss would chew me out if it was natural.”
“I see, that is true, sorry I wasn’t even thinking about that.”
“What made you say that though.”
“Just thinking it’d suit you”
For a few minutes the atmosphere was awkward and tense, both of you just staring at each other, until Caleb broke the silence.
“Are you seeing anyone at the moment?”
“Mhm… by any chance are you free Saturday evening?”
The sudden influx of questions made your heart race. His sudden change in attitude from uninterested in your mere existence to suddenly asking if you're free gave you serious whiplash.
“Mhm, you can wear your hair naturally then.”
You pretended to ponder but the situation that had just unfolded left you stunned, the answer was clear as day though. It’d been clear since you saw Caleb for the first time in seventh grade math.
“Awesome, can you write your number down for me?”
With a gentle nod you wrote your number down on a post it note before handing it to him.
“Thanks, I’ll text you tonight…I should get going now though.”
When the door clicked shut you just sat there still, unsure of what just happened… Caleb Xia, the man you love and was sure would be an eternal one-sided crush, asked you out to dinner. Unfortunately for you there wasn’t much time to process the situation that happened as your boss was waiting for you to be finished with the troop check ups to work you like a slave for the remaining hours of your shift. So it wasn’t until that evening when you arrived home that you really thought about it.
Caleb never showed any type of interest in you. Ever. Not in seventh grade math, not in high school physics, not since you started working and he greeted you with a simple “Hello”. So why…? A million thoughts plagued your mind making your head thump uncomfortably. Stepping inside your home it felt like you were floating, even as you went about your routine, change, food, shower. However when you emerged from your much needed shower you looked hard at yourself in the mirror while brushing your teeth…trying to see what he saw when he looked at you, when he asked you to wear your hair out. Before reality came crashing down on you and it dawned on you.
You had the same colour and similarly textured hair as Emcee. If you were to wear your hair out and one were to squint enough you two would be hard to tell apart.
Simple similarities that wouldn't turn even a dog’s head if you so desperately tried as they weren't particularly remarkable. Appearance wise, you weren’t like Caleb who stood out. Never one to really stand out because of your appearance, but you could see the similarities between you and Emcee phenotypically that is. But in a way she was like a better version of you. Emcee smiled freely and accomplished feats you could only ever dream of.This was something you had always known, settling for second place a long time ago.
Simple similarities that maybe did make the dog turn its head when no one was watching. Because he didn’t want you. No. He never would. He wanted Emcee and he always would, but he couldn’t have her not anymore at least. Emcee wanted someone else, so he’d settle for the next best thing, because he could live with his eyes squinted eternally pretending it's her in front of him.
It’s a grim realisation to have. Grim indeed, but seeing the notification buzz your phone to life made one thing certain. You didn’t care,you just wanted him. So you’d become Emcee for him because maybe then he’ll love you too…and if it’s a fraction of what he loves her you can live with that. Because Caleb Xia was finally looking at you and that's all you needed and more.
So gang what do we think…..（−＿−；）
At the moment it’s only a drabble if I’m motivated perhaps I’ll expand this but there’s other things I wanna try too. Ngl I lowk thought I was cooking like on some shakespearean shi, lowk tho idk it is my first fic tho and I liked the concept, I read another creators fic on Caleb x Non-mc and I found it quite interesting. The concept of pretending someone else is your unrequited love is quite grim and Caleb was the easiest to imagine in that situation (kinda?). Anyways reader is non mc and mc is also reader it’s confusing but think of MC in this drabble as like your ideal self while non mc is a more plain version of yourself (this sound so bad wtf I’m sorry) that’s how I think of it atleast lol. Anyways thank you for reading!!!! 🥹🥹🫶
