todays bird
Sade Olutola
RMH
Love Begins
Peter Solarz
祝日 / Permanent Vacation
No title available
d e v o n
NASA
roma★
cherry valley forever
we're not kids anymore.
titsay
hello vonnie
Claire Keane
shark vs the universe
Alisa U Zemlji Chuda
Mike Driver
sheepfilms
❣ Chile in a Photography ❣
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@furcrazydragon
First and foremost, use the GENERAL BASIC TROLL GUIDE for all of your horn, ears, teeth, makeup, stenciling needs, and etc. The information here will only apply to Nepeta.
Note on Body Type
Wigs: Check out this seller! You can also try at Arda Wigs (their tumblr) if you have a...
Have you ever been to earth?
On earth, we use the word “burrito” to describe a tortilla filled with things you eat. Pretty simple stuff, and I’m surprised you at least got that part right. My burrito was, in fact, filled with food. In this, you and I agree and are friends. But this is also where my lifelong hatred begins for you and anyone else whose brain has been repeatedly scrubbed with the same mixture of bleach and Pop Rocks as yours has. Because that should have killed you, but left you around long enough to do what you did to me today. Let me explain:
You’re an idiot.
Let me further explain:
Burritos are eaten from one end to the other. So that means when you assemble a burrito with motherfucking ZONES of ingredients going that direction, you create a disgusting experience for the burrito’s end user. When you make a burrito, you should put the ingredients in layerslengthwise. That way, every bite has AT LEAST A FUCKING CHANCE of getting at least two types of ingredients, and there is little chance of becoming almost hopelessly trapped in a goddamned cilantro cavern.
Have you ever eaten one of the things you make all fucking day? You should try one. They are pretty good WHEN YOU ARE NOT WILLING YOURSELF THROUGH THE FUCKING EMPIRE OF SOUR CREAM ONLY TO END UP IN LETTUCE COUNTRY.
When you eat a burrito, you don’t stand it up and bite down on it lengthwise like a fucking Rancor. Humans can’t usually dislocate their jaws, and I’m not a fucking pelican. But you must think that’s how it’s done, since that would be THE ONLY FUCKING WAY to take a bite of your crapstrosity and have it taste like a burrito.
And guess what else, player? You probably can’t guess anything, because I’m pretty sure you’re just a mop with a hat on it that fell over and spilled some shit into a tortilla, but just in case, here’s what:
Humans also don’t eat burritos like fucking corn on the cob. Like a fucking typewriter from one end to the other a little at a time and then DING next line. But today I wish I had tried that. Because at least THEN I would be able to eat some rice, then beans, then be all like HEY BEANS I’LL BE RIGHT BACK JUST GOING OVER HERE TO THE GUACAMOLE FOR A SECOND.
Nope.
My experience was more like HEY BEANS IT’S JUST GOING TO BE YOU AND I FOR A MINUTE UNTIL I CAN FUCKING EXCAVATE THE RICE FROM BENEATH YOU BUT BY THEN YOU WILL BE A FADING MEMORY OH HEY I WAS WRONG I’M IN THE FUCKING CHEESEOSPHERE NOW RICE MUST BE NEXT I HOPE IT’S NOT ANOTHER FUCKING SALSA POCKET.
You built this thing like a fucking pack of LifeSavers.
And don’t even fucking think I’m about to open this shit up and re-engineer your nonsense 90 degrees. I ALREADY PUT A HOLE IN IT WITH MY FUCKING MOUTH. YEAH. THAT’S HOW I DISCOVERED YOU FUCKING SUCK AT LOOKING AT THINGS. I AM NOT GOING TO DO FUCKING TORTILLA ORIGAMI TO GET THIS SHIT BACK TOGETHER, ONLY TO END UP WITH A BURRITO THAT’S BEEN SHOT IN THE GUT AND IS BLEEDING YOUR INEPTITUDE.
What’s that? I should ask you to mix it up first next time? IS THIS JAMBA JUICE? I DON’T WANT TO DRINK MY FUCKING BURRITO THROUGH A BENDY STRAW, AND I DON’T WANT A PILE OF BURRITO SOUP IN A FLOUR CAN.
I just want a burrito.
In conclusion:
You’re the worst thing that has ever happened to the universe, you owe everyone everywhere an apology for this burritobomination, and I hope your babies look like monkeys.
UPDATE FOR EVERYONE WHO SAID “JUST EAT IT WITH A FORK”:
A fucking fork?
I DIDN’T ORDER THE FUCKING COBBURRITO SALAD.
If anyone ever handed me a burrito with a fork, THEY WOULD BE WEARING A BRAND NEW BURRITO HAT FROM MY FALL COLLECTION TEN SECONDS LATER.
That’s like buying a car and having them hand you a fucking wrench with the keys. Like YEAH WE KNOW THIS MOTHERFUCKER’S GOING TO EXPLODE AND BE SPREAD ACROSS EIGHT LANES AS SOON AS YOU HIT THE GAS, BUT SHIT, WE GAVE YOU A WRENCH, SO BE COOL.
Jesus already gave me two burrito forks. One at the end of each arm. They’re called fucking HANDS.
A fork. My god. I haven’t cried since I was six, but I’m fucking sobbing now.
People eat burritos with forks?
God is sorry he made us.
(Source)
I always need this on my blog.
I can’t be laughing this hard in the morning.
Yes
@kirkfuffle
“God is sorry he made us.”
IT CAME BACK AROUND! OMG i’M DEAD FROM LAUGHTER.
I don’t even eat burritos, but there is no way I’m not reblogging this. I actually cried from laughing so hard.
I dare anyone to read this from the beginning to the end OUT LOUD without laughing. Good luck
“I’m not a fucking pelican.”
My favorite internet rant ever
It's my 12 year anniversary on Tumblr 🥳
Rofl
“Must have reliable transportation” = “this is how we legally discriminate against poor people who take the bus”
As someone who has held several management positions with hiring responsibility, this is true. The boss at my last job informed me before I conducted my very first I interview,
“You can’t outright ask someone if they have a car or have kids. That’s technically illegal. But you need to know because sometimes they can be deal breakers. You can just say ‘Do you have reliable transportation?’ and ‘Do you have any current circumstances that could impede you from being successful at work?’
To which the last one most people fumble and would say, “Well I have kids, so sometimes they could get sick. But that’s not often.” But then your potential employer could mark it down on your interview notes nonetheless.
I thought that maybe it was just my own employer. But now I noticed that I am asked both of these almost every time I interview for a job.
Language is very sneaky. Be careful how you answer. Corporations can be snakes.
In my businesses class my professor told us that the bus counts as reliable transportation. You do not legally have to say “I take the bus” just say “yes I do have reliable transportation” and leave it at that. Do not over share. DO NOT OVER SHARE. The second question just say no. If your kids are sick call out as if you are sick. I don’t have kids but I myself can get sick and that doesn’t hinder my ability to succeed so kids getting sick shouldn’t hinder you. When I call out I give as little info as possible. No one needs to know why you call out. They can’t ask about your “illness” because it violates HIPAA if they do. So as long as you don’t offer more info than you need to you should be okay.
WHO WILL WIN
I forgot this was getting closer. Mad respect Mister Croaker but I am fully team Strange
(Ps. Love the blingee pics by the way)
who’s gonna tell tumblr that executive dysfunction is more than Not Doing Things?
okay
these are the executive functions. impairment of these functions is executive dysfunction
Oh.
OH
Girl, help. None of my executives are functioning
This is just very funny to me.
lions are very mean and like jellyfish
Something something purple monkey typwriter dishwasher. Such bigly. Much people are saying.
Having to clean the shower is so fucking annoying. It’s clean in there. That’s where I go to get clean. It’s clean dude trust me. Stop fucking growing bacteria and stuff man this is the clean locale. You’re embarrassing me in front of the sink
earlier my husband opened our snack cabinet and something fell out and he put it back and then a second later i heard him say very quietly “no, it chose me” and then he took it and walked away
original by clairetablizo
@sepiamestus is this how it's supposed to be done
oh. oh dear.
uhm. yeah that.. that explains it.
i go to the shop and I ask if they have any raspberries. they say no, they used to sell raspberries, but they haven't had any in stock in the last 15 years. I ask if there's somewhere else I can go to buy raspberries. They say no, with confidence and pride, they're the only shop around who has ever sold or will ever sell raspberries. Other shops might sell other fruit, sure, but they have a monopoly on all raspberries forever. I ask if they're possibly planning on them selling them again in future? they say they can't tell me that.
on the way home, I encounter someone eating raspberries. I ask and they tell me that they grow their own, they got some seeds from the shop back in The Raspberry Days and kept them. They take me to a field of many beautiful raspberry plants and invite me to pick my own, they're free for all the town to pick whenever they'd like.
someone comes up behind us. It's the shop manager, President of Nintendo Shuntaro Furukawa. he hatefully throws a bob-omb that blows up and kills both of us instantly for stealing 200 trillion dollars worth of potential Raspberry Shop That Doesn't Do Raspberries Anymore profits that they weren't making and then he turns around to the camera with a big thumbs up and says don't do piracy or something ok please
Somebody had to actually dig the holes in the movie ‘Holes’.
that’s what interns are for
Builds character
His name is Tim Everett.
He plotted all of the holes in “Holes” using 3D modeling. He also supervised the production of all the lizards in the same movie.
He built the storm in “The Perfect Storm” and now he’s the Hollywood go-to guy for water effects. The whirlpool in Pirates of the Caribbean? Tim fucking Everett. They asked for him by name.
He’s the man who taught me how to model mountains and light caves. He showed me how to frame a scene in classical 3-field vignetting. He is a hard ass when it comes to lazy work, and he is one of the most amazing artists I have ever had the pleasure to present my work to.
That someone believes some poor intern had to dig all those holes is a testament to his work. Tim Everett is an environmental guru.
Someone did dig all of those holes.
His name is Tim Everett.
Holy crap. Now that’s dedication.
If I were a security guard for a person who’s being targeted by assassins I simply wouldn’t devote my entire attention span to every single noise I hear.
Why do I care if there’s a random noise in this out-of-the-way dark corner? My post is right here.
But… but I threw a rock there. Y-you gotta check
If I hear a noise I’m gonna throw a flash grenade in that direction.
MY EYES AND EARS
“Got a neutralized assassin in gate 17.”
“Did they try distracting you by throwing a rock?”
“Yeah, they did.”
“Fucking idiot.”
4 years of community assassin college for nothing
You know what really makes this post? The fact that the assassin’s blog is deactivated. Seems OPs flashbang worked.
What have I done?!
*Scrolls past*
*reluctant sigh*
*scrolls back up*
*rebogs*
What do you mean you can’t find a job? Have you looked on Indeed? What about Linkedin? You should try Upwork. How about Rise? Have you tried Jobera? Take a look on Dribbble. You GOTTA be on Jooble, dude. Get on Jooble. Jooble has it for you.
I feel this in my soul
