Ramblings of a Fuzzy Weirdo

[fuzzycharles]

Nostalgia

Listening to a random playlist of music and certain types of songs kept coming up. The songs that make me think of the past and the people that were in that life. I, of course, start missing those people and what might have been if those people were still in my life.

The obvious would be Lisa. She always enters my thoughts in a very heavy way around this time of year, especially between her birthday and our anniversary. The fall weather is the biggest trigger of her memories. Even though it has been nearly 15 years, I still wish we could have seen where our lives would have taken us. It was rocky as fuck towards the end of her life, but I think with some effort and sacrifices of my ego, it would have worked out.

The other things popping in my head are more what ifs and why don't I have those things now. I know the decisions I made shortly after Lisa's death were done out of grief and self loathing. The question is still there, why didn't I make something anyways with who I was with or going to be with afterwards? Now that I am settled a bit with a house, it just seems like I should be doing more with someone or have someone more involved with my life. Jenn is a constant as a close and dear friend, but I could never see anything more than that for us.

I just still crazy and lonely (and very horny) at times. The music I listen to has a tendency to reinforce those feelings and desires. I am not sure where I would like to be or even if I should be on the path alone (-ish).

Ah, Fall... fucking with your mind one spooky night at a time.

[fuzzycharles]

What to do?

One of the things I have noticed with this retirement experiment is that I have a tendency not to know what to do with my day. During the beginning, I would get up at a certain time, eat my breakfast, piddle around on social media, then go do something. This something could be the gym, yard work, house work, or even play video games.

Now that I am 6 months into this, my laziness and lack of a desire to do much of anything has caught up to me. My wake up time has become later, which is matched by my sleep time. I mindless flip through social media and news sites for more hours than I want to admit. When I tell myself I am going to go do something the night before, I change my mind the next morning.

I know why this happens and what I am doing to cause this to happen, outside of a general laziness that I happen to have. The question I keep asking myself is how do I change this? More importantly, I ask myself why do I want to change this? That is the real question that needs to be asked. My answers, of course, vary from day to day and situation to situation. Most revolve around the idea that I don't or don't have an end goal. This idea of an end goal has been a weird thing for me for most of my life. If I don't have an end goal, why do it?

To answer all of this, it is my lack of wanting to make a real decision about my life. I kinda like what I am able to do, even if it is a short lived experience. The lack of responsibility, the freedom to say "Fuck it. Let's go". The ability to just do nothing for the sake of doing nothing. This is something I do enjoy (I have been told I was born in the wrong era).

Alas, this does not help me answer the question of "What next?". My desires must be curtailed and shelved so that I can live in a world that requires certain resources and objects. I must pick the thing to do to obtain these things so that I can continue to live at a level I have grown a custom. Not saying I could live at a different level, if needed. I just need to at this moment.

So.. now what?

[fuzzycharles]

Dreams.. horrible dreams

I hit the jackpot on bad dreams last night. Dreams of my mother in her current state and me having to take complete care of her. Something big happening around me and no one is listening to me about this said big thing. Lisa being in the same state as my mother and having to take care of her.

These things are all my fears. Add all of these things to a failing apart event or world and it just doubles my fears. I woke up every couple of hours to just break out of these dreams to just fail back into them.

I was finally forced to get out of bed because of the Lisa dreams. Those are the ones that hurt the most. Especially when she ignores me or is in a state that I can do very little to help her. This has been a recurring theme with her dreams since she died. That is a very long story to explain why that is.

Now I am awake at 7am, why too early for my normal wake up time, with a sour stomach and a very depressed mood. Add grey cloudy day and we shall see if my mood improves.

[fuzzycharles]

Psuedo-retired

Let me share my experiment in "retiring". So I joined "The Great Resignation" in February 2022. My well paying job started to become extremely tedious and any opportunity that I had seen a couple years prior just evaporated. With this, I decided I was going to handle the timing and terms of any termination that was coming.

Now the company I worked for wasn't a bad company. It was a huge global conglomerate and, like all huge global conglomerate executives, didn't have a clue what was going on in their business. No, C-level execs should not know what a grunt is doing, but they should at least be aware of the attitude and direction their division/business unit/what-have-you is going. But none of that is important really, all big corporations are that way. My problem was coming from those that were connected to me and just a step or 2 higher than me. Either way, I left.

Now with my new freedom, I cleared my 401k and calculated out my expenses and planned for any immediate future things. Put money in various types of accounts and setup auto-pays and transfers so that bills were paid on time and I had gas and grocery money. I researched the stock market and dove head first into that, with minimal success.

Now we are 5 months into this experiment and I have been much happier and relaxed. Also, I am bored as fuck. I had grandiose plans to start working out and practicing my horn. I was going to practice programming so that I could try my had at freelancing to bring in a little bit of extra money. I did all of these things in the first 2 months. Then I got bored. The joys of an ADD brain with a Gemini mentality of the world. The boredom can be broken though, just have to start doing things again and all will slowly work itself out. This is how every cycle with me works.

The plan though has to be better thought out though. I did not have enough money to do this for the rest of my life being that I am in my mid-40s. I must make the decision that kind spurred this "retirement". Which industry do I want to go back to, computers or entertainment? How to go back to that industry? When to go back? In what aspect do I want to return? I said if I am going to do anything, I am fully committing to said thing. I can't be wishy-washy about it for much longer.

Oh well, here is to be even more confused as to what I want to do with the rest of my life. A decision will be made one way or another, even though being a vagabond is extremely appealing.

[fuzzycharles]

Talk about Dreams

I have really, really vivid dreams. Colors, sounds, sensations, everything. I have had these since I was a teenager. Prior to that I would have the same kind of dreams but seeing everything with my eyes partially open. I always felt I was half asleep in my dreams and could quite hear what was going on.

When that changed, dreams become whole novels and stories. I have great abilities, weird situations occur, and my relations with people are slightly exaggerated. There would be fights, sometimes lots of sex, and even some dark things would happen. These dreams would feel like they would cover multiple days and sometimes multiple world locations.

Sometimes I have problems waking up from my dreams. I will wake up for some reason and then lay back down. When I do, I am immediately shoved back into the dream. The dreams gets stuck in a loop though and I am repeating what had happened earlier. I can now manipulate the dream to try to correct the action, or in some cases, prolong some actions. This of course never works and just messes everything up and the dream begins to fall apart. Eventually my brain decides it is done and I should just wake up.

Other times when I wake up, I am unable to fully become awake. My head is in a fog and I sometimes see and/or hear things from with in the dream. These times cause my head to become very painful and cause normal functions to not function normally. However deep of a dream I was in determines how long and what I have to do to become a fully functioning awake person.

My dreams as of late are becoming even more vivid and more realistic. No longer incorporating extraordinary powers, just putting me in different, and sometimes interesting, situations, with people I have known for a good amount of time. They are becoming a bit more disturbing due to the people and the conversations that are occurring. There have been times I have woken up with tears in my eyes or even full body sobbing.

Stress dreams give me the fantastical powers I always crave for, but normal dreams cause me to analyze my life. I don't like that, not in my dreams at least. Give me an escape. I guess I am escaping in my real life, might need to handle the real in the dream world.

[fuzzycharles]

Starting Out

So I needed someplace I could just put my thoughts without a thousand people offering suggestions or comments about them. Most of the time they are just me getting things out of my head and not a cry for help or needing a solution.

So I am going to start this and see where it goes. Most of the what will be posted will probably be nonsensical. There might be a few questions that I might need answered. Hell it could just me being a creepy old dude that just had to say what I was thinking. Those will be few and far between, if ever.

So here we go with this platform to see what it comes out to be.