Smiling at Strangers

I'm just someone who thinks a lot and finds that writing helps me make a little sense of this crazy world.

[gabyilla]

Precisely. #feel #write #understand

[gabyilla]

A Lesson in Change

“Turn and face the strain…Time may change me but I can’t trace time.” - (RIP) David Bowie

Change is a curious thing. Even when you’re expecting it, sometimes it still finds a way to surprise you. I think the way we approach change and deal with it while it happens sets the tone for how we ultimately view it later on once its passed. As someone in her twenties consciously undergoing the change from kid to full-fledged grown up I knew change came with the territory, but what I’m experiencing now is a whole new wave of change and all I can think to do is take to the keyboard…

In October I relocated from my beautiful birthplace of Chicago, IL to our national capitol of Washington, DC. It was exciting in that I was taking a big step in my relationship by making the move with my partner Steven, starting a new job with a cool program in the federal government, and residing outside of the Midwest for the first time since I was five. In a matter of a month I went from living by myself in a shabby one bedroom on the Southwest side of Chicago, to living with three other people and a dog in a row house in the gentrifying part of Washington. Needless to say, it was A LOT of change at once, and my state of mind has barely time to catch up with my new reality.

It’s as though I accidentally started over. Life prior to the move was great and by all accounts on the right track. It’s not like I needed to get away from anything or anyone. Frankly, opportunities just presented themselves and I went with it. Steven mentioned wanting to move to DC. A couple of weeks later, I received a good job offer in DC. Meanwhile, my sister Jasmine, who had recently moved to DC, was shamelessly encouraging me to join her there. The arrow in my life compass was steadfastly pointed east and I followed it, seeing importance in the need to explore outside of my comfort zone and optimistically believing a change might do me good. However, the novelty of waking up in a different place and interacting with new people can be underscored by the uncertainty of the unknown. I have absolutely no idea how this is all going to play out.

Some days I can’t help but unfairly compare life here in DC to Chicago, especially where social aspects are concerned. I have no contacts in DC, aside from Steven and Jasmine. Don’t get me wrong – they’re the best – but two people a social network does not make. It has been nearly four months and I haven’t made any friends yet, mostly because I have a desire to meet people organically but have trouble putting myself out there. I’m also simultaneously trying to ensure relationships with loved ones in Chicago are maintained in a meaningful way while I establish myself in this new city. At times I feel overly aware of the fact that I’m living in a period of transition and it often results in internal anxiety and overt awkwardness. For example, there’s this group of 20-somethings that often has lunch in the elevator lobby at my office and rather than strike up a conversation to try and join them (like a normal person would), I actively avoid the lobby during lunch -taking the long way back to my desk and eating alone at my computer because (much to my surprise and disappointment) Washington-Gaby is a social coward.

Do I wish I was a total badass who always took on change in stride? Of course. Am I maybe overthinking it all and focused on entirely the wrong things? No doubt. Am I going to try my best to keep an open mind and play this whole change off in a super strong, powerful and cool way?  …Well, yeah! But before pulling that off, I’m forced to grapple with the sometimes uncomfortable phase that accompanies big life changes in adulthood. It will no doubt require patience, with myself and the life-cycle of change, but I sincerely trust that this experience is going to be a positive one, and someday soon I’ll bite the bullet, overcome anxiety, and enjoy lunch with the cool kids.

[gabyilla]

Feeling about as naked as this thing of beauty by Gustav Klimt after by first blog post.

[gabyilla]

Words are my Friends.

Most people who know me would be surprised to know that I’ve been writing for roughly 14 years now. It all started when I was 10 and spent a summer in Chicago with my dad’s side of the family. I noticed my older cousin China off in the corner writing in a small book and when I asked her what she was doing she said journaling. A few days later I had my very own journal, a 200 sheet blue velvet-bound book with white, blank pages, where I would write my inner most thoughts and feelings. It was a Godsend in that I finally found a place where my voice could be free to explore itself totally uninhibited. Although at first I used it more as a diary for documenting the huge crush I had on my neighbor Derrick, over time I started writing about other, more significant aspects of life such as family, religion, loss, and aspirations. My journal became an important part of how I coped with daily life, and that’s why I’ve continued to write through my teens and now well into my twenties.

Why start sharing some of my writing publicly now, you might ask. I’ve thought about that a lot and the conclusion I reached was a simple, “Why not?” Thanks to the internet we are more connected now as a global society than ever before, so why not take advantage of this connectivity to share ideas openly and possibly engage in some meaningful conversations with my peers? At the very least the act of writing is helping me understand myself a little more by giving me the opportunity to organize my thoughts, and develop and reflect on my beliefs in a constructive way. That’s really powerful for me because developing my sense of self and continuously learning is big a part of what I consider my personal pursuit of happiness.

With that said, allow me to set the tone moving forward. I envision this blog will be like Seinfeld in that it will be about nothing yet everything all at once. I’m curious about a lot of stuff so topics will inevitably vary. Ultimately blogging is really experimental for me, and I’m open to see where it goes over time. Lastly, the name “Smiling at Strangers” is a bit of a metaphor. The way I see it, posting content on the internet makes it accessible to people I don’t know (i.e. strangers) and writing is something that makes me happy (i.e. smiley). Also, the act of actually smiling at strangers is something that is both awkward and silly, which is kind of how I imagine this whole blog thing going for me so there’s that.

Lastly, please do share your thoughts on my posts and ask questions if you’d like me to elaborate on anything. A large part of what will make blogging more fun for me than just journaling will be your participation. Thanks and until next time!

-Gaby