honestly, who didnât see this coming? lol. but, anyway. i guess this is goodbye! iâll ramble more below the cut, but just know that over the next couple of days, iâll be exporting my blog so i can keep what i want, and then this will be the only post left here.
thank you to everyone who iâve had the privilege of meeting, and those of you who have been so kind as to leave lovely notes on my works, and interact with me over our silly anime crushes. i really appreciate all the kindness iâve been shown in the anime fandom. some of my best friends iâve met through this stupid app, but overall, itâs just not a healthy space for me. iâm not blaming anyone else for what this has become, at the end of the day, i created a hell for myself. iâm just tired of trying to rebuild, rebrand, whatever. iâm just tired.
that being said, obviously not everything can always be so lovely. i donât care about the discourse or the drama or the whatever, but iâm just hoping this post will bring me some closure, and maybe some for those iâve hurt, whether accidentally or intentionally. if you click read more and youâre upset with what you see, well, idk what to tell you, friend.
i hate that tumblr can be so insignificant, and yet so all encompassing all at once. yes, itâs âjust tumblrâ and âitâs not that deepâ because at the end of the day, itâs just an app. but, unfortunately, behind this app and these blogs are human beings. which means you create real bonds and real friendships, and real feelings get hurt.
i came back to tumblr during a really sad, dark time in my life. and that was honestly my first mistake. i latched on to whoever would pay attention to me, craving some sort of friendship that i never needed before because i always had someone in real life. but i had just moved away from my family, and was starting the process of what would end up being a notsogreat divorce. i felt alone, and was struggling a lot with my self worth, so instead of choosing to be kind, i chose to lash out. regardless of whether or not that was in private dmâs of those whom, at the time, iâd considered friends, it was still inconsiderate and childish of me. i thought i had to be some hateful version of myself in order to prove to other people that i wasnât as sad about myself as i truly was. the words i said in private were rude, nasty, and just... not who i want to be? and, without going into immense detail, some of those things i wanted to move on from and no longer felt, were then used as weapons and spread around to others who i never intended to see what iâd said.
please, please, PLEASE â be careful what you say. you really never know who is watching, who is going to manipulate you, etc. what you say holds weight, and even if you donât intend for it to hurt anyone, even if itâs just venting.. i dunno. just, be careful, okay? check yourself from time to time, friend. make sure that youâre not allowing the overall negativity of the world, of your own mind, of others, to affect you to the point that you donât recognize yourself.
if you donât know about my lovely little exposed blog, well, youâd probably be the last to know. at least, it feels that way. although in the beginning maybe it was justified? in some right? iâm not sure anymore, really, but regardlessâit turned into some sort of stalking experience. at one point in time, i received 35+ messages telling me how horrible i was, telling me to off myself, telling me that my ex did the right thing by leaving me âon the curbâ, etc. my full legal name was being released, with the intent to doxx me iâm assuming? i was being told i was âbeing watchedâ, which i fully believe was happening, with the consistency of the updates. people who claim to hate me, still followed me with the intent of watching my every move to âsee if iâd changedâ. i only have received updates through friends, because to be perfectly honest with you, seeing your worst mistakes splayed on the internet and turning you into some shounen villain is NOT the best thing for your mental health. that, and some of the âtruthsâ were half-honesties twisted because iâd be a hypocrite to post private dmâs debunking these things when i was upset with the very same people for posting such things. iâve addressed some things, such as the racism, so i wonât go into that again, but some of these other instances are stretches, to say the least.
the irony of the whole thing is not lost on me. the very same people who say i only do things for notes/recognition, are doing those very things. those who say i only care about tumblr, are proving that by running a blog dedicated to exposing some twenty three year old idiot on the internet. those who say i use my friends are the same ones who literally lied to my face so they could collect receipts behind my back and then leave me when it got convenient. those who say i talk to âinsignificantâ blogs to appear invested are the ones calling those blogs insignificant, i never once believed anyone iâve interacted with was insignificant, contrary to popular belief. everything they focus on ends up being nothing but hypocrisy in the end.
that being said, obviously i truly hurt whoever all is behind this blog. intentionally, or otherwise. and i know that sometimes what you do/say isnât meant to hurt anyone, however, you donât get to control how what youâve done effects others. all you can do is apologize. but, i know a few of them, because based on the âreceiptsâ theyâve pulled together, the stories are too specific to be anything but those people iâm thinking of. i donât enjoy blanket apologies, but iâm leaving this hellsite, so itâs all iâve got left.
iâm sorry for giving you the fuel to your fire for this petty agenda, iâm sorry for creating the monster of myself that allowed you to string along this storyline for what seems to be the better part of a year. iâm sorry that i gave you material to fixate upon, rather than providing you with friendship and something better to focus on. i truly hope you can move on now that iâm gone from tumblr, and honestly i donât plan on coming back, lol. i genuinely, truly, deeply feel sorry for you, and pray that you can turn this obsessive focus from me to something more productive, something healthier.
the angry part of me wants everyone to realize that the start of this, the matchups/refunds situation, was born from this stalkerish behavior. it has taken me months to put the pieces together, because i truly didnât think someone who iâd called my friend once would ever string together such a lie, or rather an exaggerated, adulterated truth, but i guess itâs what happened, in the end.
there are a lot of, uh, conveniently timed âreleasesâ of receipts even though they were months after the initial occurrence of the offense. i canât go into each one, because, frankly, there are too many. i just hope that in the wake of all of these horrible exposes of things iâve done, others are able to reflect on their actions. telling me one thing while currently speaking to another individual and telling them another, blatantly LYING, etc. are all things that iâve been accused of, and yet theyâve also been done to me. doesnât justify what iâve done, nor am i seeking some sort of absolution, however i just hope that these individuals can see their hypocrisy and move forward.
which leads me to my final point â regardless of how shitty someone is, disallowing them the room to grow, stunting their moral/mental growth, is truly the issue. i am not going to sit here and play holier than thou. i know i fucked up. i was a nasty bitch because i was angry at the world, and then that anger was fueled further by consistent situations where i made the wrong friends at the wrong times in my life. but the fact that this exposed nonsense has been dragging on since... july? august? iâm not really sure, but whatever. since itâs been going on, i have been battling with myself and my ability to do the things i love, talk to those i care about, etc. all because iâm afraid of saying the wrong thing, hurting the wrong person, etc. and in trying to avoid it, iâve been doing the very same thing i hoped to keep from doing.
i never felt like i could apologize to those i wanted to apologize to because it might be received as disingenuous due to the nature of the exposed blogâs very existence âforcingâ me to apologize. donât get me wrong, some of those who the blog tried to coerce me into apologizing to can suck a dick, because there are people that i truly do not feel deserve my apologies, and therefore, will never get them. but, i do feel bad for those i didnât get the chance to apologize to that i really wanted to. the last thing iâd want is for my apology to be turned into something itâs not, but hopefully everyone who has been affected by my actions can move on with my absence.
and to those of you who feel the need to make public denounces of my name, i hope it provides you the closure youâve been seeking. truly, i do. but know that i never did anything iâve ever done with the intent to get ahead or buy someoneâs friendship or take advantage of anyone else. if i truly only cared about the things people say i cared about, i would have never made this blog in the first place. i would have leeched off the popularity of my main blog if popularity was all i cared about. i was searching for a home, which, in the end, i burned down myself. me, joking around about follower count and notes, was literally nothing but sarcastic banter thatâs been taken out of context. but, i digress.
i am very thankful for those who i can still call my friends, who are willing and ready to have honest discussions with me about the things iâve said/done and analyze them and help me move forward. therapy, medication, life choices, etc. all have been rolled into me deciding that iâm done letting a silly little app stunt my growth. if the internet was unplugged tomorrow, i know who iâd have and what would matter. i have REAL LIFE to focus on. i am in love and i have beautiful friendships that i want to foster with honesty and kindness. i can only hope that you all have the opportunity to have those very same things.
will i stop writing? nah, dude. no way. iâm just getting started. in my absence, in choosing to stay away from a place that makes me sick to my stomach with anxiety, iâve delved into my original characters and iâve written thousands of words that i havenât felt the pressure to post about. iâve learned that just because iâm doing something i love, i donât have to do it for anyone else.
the internet is a funky place, folks. just be careful who your friends are, okay?
anyway. peace out, girl scouts. i wish you all the best đ
so iâm watching avatar the last airbender again because of fucking course i am and after zuko beats katara at the north pole he tells her âyou rise with the moon. i rise with the sunâ so now iâm convinced zuko is the most insufferable morning person ever and katara makes coffee at 9pm.
zuko at 5 am, seeing katara walking around in her pajamas: wow iâve never seen you up this early
ID: digital painting of Suki from Avatar: the Last Airbender. She is shown from the knees up, left leg forward and knees slightly bent. She wears a gold headpiece, holding a gold fan in her left hand and her right hand is up behind her. She looks to her left with a determined expression, wearing a green haori, turquoise kimono, and a dark blue hakama. Behind her are cherry blossoms and a bright sunrise. End ID.
and when morning arrives, a warriorâs heart can finally rest, for she can see the sunrise once more.
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