Game Progress

Games journalism you can trust.

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Two years ago I wrote this as a joke:

http://game-progress.tumblr.com/post/119112962795/why-catherine-is-the-ultimate-feminist-video-game

I CAN’T BELIEVE SOMEONE ACTUALLY WROTE IT

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Everything changed when the fire nation banned gay marriage.

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This is for all the people who are upset over Cop D.Va

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Localization Discourse

Nintendo: -Completely changes scenes and character personalities leaving very little if any of the original Japanese version. Cuts out content for no particularly good reason, Inserts memes when there is no reason for them-

Journalists: "This is a shining example of how localization of Japanese games should be done.'

Atlus: -Localizes Persona 5 in a much more literal fashion. Leaving nearly all of the original content in with its original context-

Journalists: "Persona 5's localization is terrible and everyone involved should be ashamed of themselves.'

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Ok, Cars 2 is still shit but I gotta correct some things. Allinoll is not a real thing, it was revealed to just be normal gas at the end. He didn't spend jack shit on developing it, he just pretended to so he could tank the entire concept of alternative fuels forever. So despite being a stupid roundabout bullshit plan his motivations at least made sense.

Damn where is there some reveal after he got arrested? Apologies if I missed it, my brain probably protected me after Mater gets knighted by the Queen of England. But why did the camera gun only work on Allinol? I think I should just think about Planes instead.

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Cars 2: An Analysis ‘Why This Fucker Is the Shittiest Villain to Exist In Anything Ever’

When I first watched Cars 2 I thought it wasn’t as good as the first and left it at that. Unfortunately my son really loved Cars 2. He loved it so much we bought the blu-ray/dvd combo and he watched it constantly, sometimes even more than once a day. I have probably seen this garbage movie more than any other movie in my life.

I absolutely despise Cars 2. With each subsequent viewing I hated it more and more. Every single flaw in that movie was revealed to me over and over again. The awfulness of the film was just emphasised repeatedly. I wasn’t going to rant about Cars 2, I actually haven’t seen it for a while, but recently I had the displeasure of having to read a graphic novelisation of Cars 2 for my other son and so I just had to do it.

For starters I’m going to ignore how awful Mater is and how the moral of this story is being a retard who constantly embarrasses his friend and makes him lose a race because he was chasing car pussy is a good thing that should be accepted. I’m just going to focus on the biggest problem which is the main villain and how amazingly stupid he is. Beware Cars 2 spoilers are ahead but if you haven’t seen it you should be thankful you’re being spoiled as you can avoid this dumpster fire.

Miles Axelrod is a billionaire who just so happens to have also come up with a highly elaborate yet insanely stupid idea to obtain more power. Let’s start with some backstory. Axelrod is a former oil tycoon who after an epiphany while lost in the jungle, decided to sell all his assets so he could research, create and market an alternative clean fuel source called ‘Allinol’. He has apparently bet the farm on his new fuel, expending his fortune in its development and now spending a fortune sponsoring a world wide Grand Prix promoting it that features all the greatest race cars in the world. These race cars are all meant to use the new alternative fuel Allinol to show how great it is, supposedly so everyone will start using enviro-friendly Allinol instead of ‘horrible’ oil.

The stupid idiot then starts sabotaging his own Grand Prix to make his own product look bad by using a microwave gun that fucks up the Allinol in the race cars. So he purposely makes cars during the race have engine problems so it looks like his new alternative fuel is actually a piece of shit and no one should use it and they should use oil forever.

Oh no, Allinol causes car problems how will it ever recover?

It does get even dumber. Ok so after race 2 in Italy, the tide of public opinion is turning against Allinol after another spate of cars having problems. However Lightning McQueen valiantly swears to use Allinol despite the controversy, in the 3rd and final race to prove how great it is. Also at this point Mater has become a secret agent who left Lightning’s race team due to incompetence (and after he left Lightning won, wow big surprise) but finds out the bad guys are going to kill Lightning. He gets captured in Italy, along with Oscar Winner Michael Caine and girl car, by the bad guy group ‘the Lemons’ (a gang of shitty cars not a gang of lesbian cars).

It’s only fuel, why you have to be mad?

The third race is in London and the Lemons tell Mater and the other spies (yes, they actually captured them in Italy but brought them all the way to London just so they could reveal their plan and kill them using Big Ben) that the plan is to have Lightning McQueen blow up from having the Allinol in his car react with the microwave gun. For a moment you think this is the first logical thing they’ve done. A high profile death in the biggest race, featuring the biggest racing star in the world. If Allinol was responsible for his fiery death then it would sully it’s reputation irreparably. But that’s not actually their real plan....

Their real plan was, apparently, that they would know the good guys would escape from this elaborate death trap and then Mater would go warn Lightning McQueen, but they had secretly attached a bomb to Mater! Their true plan was to kill Lightning McQueen with a bomb! Why on earth would they use a bomb?!? They had already planned to kill him with their wave gun. Killing him with a bomb wouldn’t have discredited Allinol at all which was the whole purpose of their operation!

This hugest problem is just the economics of everything. So the real reason they discredited Allinol was to discourage people from alternative fuels so they would instead use oil and Axelrod just so happened to be sitting on large oil reserves. So his master plan was:

Get rich selling oil

Stop selling oil

Spend a fortune on a new alternative fuel and have people want it

Make it so no one wants anymore so you can instead sell them oil

You were already selling oil you fuck! You didn’t need to encourage cars to buy oil, before you came along oil was their only fuel source. All you did was spend loads of money so you could sell the product you were previously selling before. 

The stupidest thing was he could have made more money selling Allinol. He had a total monopoly on the alternative fuel market, a fucking monopoly. He wasn’t discrediting a competitors product he was tanking his own, one that he had spent a fortune on. He gave up 100% of the market so he could instead sell oil which is a market he doesn’t have a monopoly. He doesn’t even control all the world’s oil shares he just has a lot of it. How does this make an financial sense at all?!?

In closing, I fucking hate Cars 2.

By Nick Soapdish for Game Progress Disclaimer: I actually like the car Francesco Bernoulli in this film.

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Thank You Bioware for Promoting Ugly Acceptance

There has been criticism directed at video game companies for years for their representations of females.  Critics believe that video game women are too attractive which this places unrealistic standards of beauty, harms female self-esteem and perpetuates the ‘male gaze’ which causes arousal in men. Thankfully Bioware is doing something to fix this horrible problem in the upcoming Mass Effect: Andromeda.

You see the character models in Mass Effect: Andromeda are hideously ugly. As you can see from the above image this character was beaten with the ugly stick so hard you actually feel sorry for the stick. For this I absolutely applaud Bioware. Just like fat acceptance should be promoted in video games it is important companies promote ugly acceptance.

When video games have repulsive characters like this it makes average looking people feel better about themselves and it gives the ugly people someone to relate to. Critics definitely won’t have to worry about any toxic gamers getting aroused by this female! Even when this character appears on screen in a lesbian tryst, instead of being sexually stimulated male gamers will instead ponder whether they should be attracted to men (another great win for Bioware).

As stunning and brave Bioware has been here I do have one last request. Please make that image the box art. Thanks again Bioware.

By Nick Soapdish for Game Progress

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just wanted to take a moment to confirm- you do know Godfrey is a rather infamous troll, right? I worry sometimes people from the "sane" side could be taken in.

I hope one day I can be as brilliant as Godfrey Elfwick (https://twitter.com/GodfreyElfwick). Xir is truly an amazing woman.

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Please Kickstart a New Wolfenstein 3D to Punch Modern Day Nazis

There has been a lot of talk about punching Nazis lately. So I thought it’d be appropriate if I cash in support this worthy cause. It’s now been well established that if you believe someone is a Nazi you should punch them (but preferably in the back of the head while they’re walking away like people have been doing so far). Not only is it the right thing to do but surely you’re not breaking any law by doing it.

Now the Punch a Nazi Plan™ has two problems. Problem number 1 is who is and isn’t a Nazi. To help out I’ve created this handy guide:

It really is better to be safe than sorry, like they say you can’t make an omelet without punching a few eggs in the head. In a world where people can think around 50% of the United States are Nazis it’s really best to just punch everyone (maybe start at home by punching your family). Also if you punch an innocent person you will just reaffirm to them that your ideology is superior so they’ll never disagree.

Now problem number 2 is the actual punching itself. You see the average anti-fascist isn’t quite physically intimidating or fit. Plus there’s the whole problem of leaving the house so I’ve devised a way to fight fascism from your keyboard (which I guess isn’t too different then what’s happening now).

If given an unreasonable amount of money, I will create a mod for Wolfenstein 3D where you can fight the Nazis of today. Just by adding a few Trump hats, keeping the Nazi posters and implementing strict gun control it would be an amazingly progressive game for the current year. The AI won’t fight back, it will just try and exercise it’s “free speech” so you can sucker punch them to your hearts content. Just like other progressive kickstarters there is the high possibility I will squander all the money and never deliver but please give money as it’s a good cause.

Of course punching someone you think is a Nazi immediately eliminates the problem. Surely violence toward them won’t harden their resolve or cause resentment. Studies have shown that they just go back home, have a long hard think about what they’ve done and become more progressive. Historians have long claimed that if someone had punched Hitler early on he would have become a woke feminist ally and started the hashtag #JewLivesMatter.

So please fund this. I promise it will be just as effective at fighting fascism as all the current protests.

By Nick Soapdish for Game Progress

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Dear Bethesda,

Please use this for your marketing in a future Wolfenstein game

Thank you.

Game Progress

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Battleborn Rule 34

Overwatch Rule 34

I too am shocked that Battleborn rule 34 actually exists.

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Reasons to Feel Good About 2016

You weren’t any of these people:

If you were any of these people oh god I’m so sorry.

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2016 Saddest Video Game Deaths

For many 2016 will be remembered for the various celebrity deaths that occurred so I thought it would be fitting to remember the saddest video game deaths of 2016. I say presumably as unlike your favorite celebrities at least video games have a chance at resurrection.

Battleborn

This was going to be their next big franchise after Borderlands. The plan was it was going to be League of Legends for shooters! Look at that guy on the cover with the tiny head and huge body. Who would ever think that looks good? 

One thing I was amazed about Battleborn though was rule 34 does actually exist for it (thus proving rule 34). Not a lot though. To put things in perspective Titanfall has the same amount of rule 34 as Battleborn. Bizzarely the porn that does exist of Battleborn mostly involves this thing (below) but I’ve learnt not to question people’s fetishes ever since I found out sounding was a thing.

Randy Pitchford may have gone insane, going on stage with a guitar and singing (badly) about the time he blocked a twitter account for sexism. It’s quite possible that Anthony Burch’s influence really rubbed off on Gearbox as they may like seeing their own game getting completely screwed by Overwatch.

Please remember to never ever forget this tweet. Please remember that at one stage they thought Battleborn could compete with Overwatch and called Blizzard out. Rest in Peace Battleborn. You died before you even lived.

Mighty No. 9

Reminder of things to be grateful for this 2016:

You are not Anthony Burch

You didn’t back Mighty No. 9

You didn’t back Red Ash the animation

How hilarious would it be if Anthony Burch backed those 2 things. If you did back Mighty No. 9, looks that’s ok. Many people got taken on the ruse cruise. If you backed the Red Ash game you can be grateful that didn’t meet it’s funding so you avoided being conned. If you backed the animation though, I’m so sorry. If you’re one of the 20 people who backed between $1000 and $5000 oh dear god.

Remember how Mighty No. 9 was going to be a big franchise? They had an animation planned, they announced their Mega Man Legends spin off and then that had an animation. Don’t forget the spin off game is still being made! (despite the failed Kickstarter they were fully funded by Fuze entertainment) Can you imagine we possibly have that game to look forward to in 2017.

Remember when the game came out and it was god awful that Inafune (loosely translated) said “it was better then nothing”. Goodbye Mighty No. 9. I will never forget the years of hilarity your development brought. I will cry harder for you than an anime fan on prom night.

By Nick Soapdish for Game Progress

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Making Consoles Slim Is Fat Shaming

It’s been a common trend for a few generations now for console manufacturers to release “new and improved, slimmer” versions of their consoles. Ever since the Sega Mega Drive/Genesis 2 we’ve had slimmer versions of every Playstation 1-4 and the PSP, slimmer versions of the X-Box console and X-Box controllers and of course most famously the DS-Lite. Even the Wii got a mini version and the original Wii is tiny. A Wii mini was like an anorexic going on a diet.

All of these come out and how are they advertised? Oh they’re, “sleeker, more attractive, smaller but just as powerful as the bigger version”. It’s pretty obvious what they’re really saying is thin is superior to fat. Far better looking, more appealing but with just as much power as fatty. This is thin privilege.

4 generations of Sony Playstation’s thin propaganda

Remember how the original Nintendo DS was sickeningly nicknamed the ‘DS Phat’? The fat slur was obvious and as well as being fat is was also ugly. The Lite was so superior in every way the Phat was completely eliminated and the Lite sold tens of millions. You may think credit to Nintendo for introducing an XL version of the DS however it’s not like the XL is fat and ugly like it should be. It was just like the Lite but bigger. If the Lite was a skinny person the XL was just a tall skinny person. It can hardly be considered “X-tra Large”.

It is wrong for console makers to harmful societal ideas that being slimmer is preferable and better looking. Really they should look at going the other way and enlarging their consoles to reflect modern America. A console that’s 3 times the size, has trouble fitting in your house, can’t run very fast and has problems dealing with heat would be ideal in pushing body positivity. Big is beautiful.

By Nick Soapdish for Game Progress