I’ve expanded and updated my 19 Days chapter summaries once more, and it’s helpful for anyone who’s wondering, “What chapter is it where…”
Colors show chapters that make up a day: a series of green entries, for example, shows a single day, and then there’s a change of color for the next day. Flash forwards (adult-ish scenes) or special chapters are in white. The date when each chapter was posted is also listed.
Old Xian posted 13 chapters advancing the main story in 2025. These 13 chapters cover one single day and a few hours of the next morning. There were a bunch of special chapters, merch releases, and single drawings as well.
a couple of years ago, if old xian had done what he just did, i wouldn't have been able to sleep for a week. now i've spent a week trying to feel anything about this fact. it's like....okay...........real sex, i guess...
Personal opinion! Many assumptions not based on canon!
I'm tired of thinking and editing, so there are many repetitions 😣
Family: the first illusion.
I often reflect on how happy Guanshan's family must have been. I believe they lived quite comfortably. He likely had a good childhood: caring parents, many friends and plenty of toys.
He was an active, impressionable and curious child with a vivid imagination and no apparent issues with socialization or aggression ❤️
He was a sweet crybaby, especially when his father had to work long hours. He's definitely the type of child who would tuck his toys into bed 😭
Then in an instant his life collapsed. Everything changed.
His mother, who began smiling unnaturally through her tears. His father was no longer a protector, but a murderer. There was never enough money. The quality of food declined. Constant economizing and pervasive anxiety became his new reality. He no longer felt like the center of his parents' world and his sense of safety vanished. Perhaps his family had to sell many of their possessions: their car, jewelry, his mother's dresses (fanon).
Imagine little Mo trying to sell his own toys to help his family 💔🥹(perhaps at the beginning he cried a lot and could throw tantrums, because his life had changed too abruptly).
The bullying from peers, constant anxiety and the absence of a strong adult figure eventually became too much for his psyche to bear.
Unfortunately Guanshan's mother couldn't rebuild their lives on her own. After the trial and bankruptcy, when she was left alone, she might have even snapped at her son...only to cry bitterly afterward...She tried to be a good and understanding mother, but love alone isn't enough in such a dire situation.
Very quickly Guanshan stopped seeing her as a strong, responsible adult.
Her attempts to "keep everything under control" while being visibly helpless created cognitive dissonance in Guanshan.
She could claim that they could handle everything, that everything was under control, but the constant lack of money and threats from strangers demanding payment quickly destroyed this ILLUSION.
It's perfectly logical that Guanshan understood the critical importance of money at a young age. Not good grades or behavior, but money - despite what his mother told him. His mother should have taken him to see his father earlier to show him the potential consequences of his path. Not just a visit, but to have his father deliver a serious warning! However much she wanted to maintain the illusion of control, the best thing she could have done was to be honest about their situation. In her desperate attempt to avoid further traumatizing him, she ultimately failed to guide him properly.
The fact that Guanshan isn't always honest with her and doesn't confide in her is a direct result of her constant pretense.
His father's decision to cut off contact was a grave mistake. He, too, chose to live in the ILLUSION that a father like him was unnecessary for Guanshan.
All of this prevented him from developing a secure attachment style and shattered his basic trust in the world from early childhood.
His subsequent aggression and withdrawal are not mere character flaws, but signs of psychological decompensation. A psyche, unable to endure constant pressure, bullying, anxiety and frustration activates defense mechanisms: withdrawal into the self (introversion) and the external release of accumulated tension (aggression).
His early realization of the importance of money is not greed, but hypercompensation. He learned that the currency of survival in his new reality was not grades or good behavior (symbols of the old, "fair" world), but money and strength - the only things that could stop his mother's tears and the creditors threats. This formed a core traumatic belief: "I am only valuable when I can solve material problems." This is the true common ground between He Tian and Guanshan. They both learned early on how unjust and cruel the world can be.
It's no wonder Guangshan is drawn to men like He Cheng and Qiu, even though they resemble the types who ruined his family. It's a paradox: he simultaneously admires strength and wealth, yet despises these qualities in He Tian. He wants to be both the victor and the vanquished. But that's a topic for another post.
Social relationships: the illusion of friendship and bullying as a system.
I've never sensed genuine depth in Guanshan's relationships with his friends. It seems that after his father's imprisonment Buzzcut and the others became his new circle. Some old friends probably distanced themselves, while others might have been pushed away by Guanshan himself. So, until meeting She Li, Guanshan was essentially always alone. It's no wonder he succumbed to She Li's manipulations.
The crucial point is: She Li created an ILLUSION of safety for Guanshan and his friends. Before that he created the ILLUSION of inclusion in his gang.
His friendship with Buzzcut and the others feels built on mutual benefit or the need to survive the school hierarchy, not on genuine intimacy.
Okay, perhaps it's real with Buzzcut. But due to his past, he finds it profoundly difficult to build sincere connections.
Could She Li have made Guanshan a complete outcast and target of brutal bullying? Absolutely. So, just like at home, at school Guanshan lived inside an ILLUSION of security, crafted by She Li.
Guanshan was acutely aware of his powerlessness within this system, fostering a state of learned helplessness - a conditioned belief that any attempt to improve his situation is futile, convinced of a negative outcome.
This explains why Guanshan didn't mobilize his own gang against She Li. By the way I think Guanshan's decision to leave school was partly because of He Tian - who initially seemed like another She Li in his life. He didn't realize She Li would cling so desperately to his ideal victim.
In the school hierarchy She Li and his inner circle were like shadow rulers. Perhaps She Li didn't bully Guanshan openly because many of his followers were just as ordinary and poor as Guanshan. Openly tormenting him would risk alienating others. He chose to wait. Like a predator toying with its prey. As we later learned he was "saving" him for more serious plans, like the monetary deal he proposed. Guanshan was the perfect victim, which is precisely why She Li lost control when people appeared who could and would protect Guanshan.
I don't think She Li was jealous of Guanshan. He Tian was the true object of his envy. The shadow king versus the acknowledged king of the school: He Tian. It was He Tian who made him feel inferior and humiliated.
Many assume that since She Li's persona is a shadow leader and manipulator, his later loss of control means the character was poorly handled, but that's not entirely accurate. Rage and uncontrolled aggression are also part of such personalities. Illogical and stupid actions are the result of uncontrolled rage and suppressed aggression. The image of the dark manipulator/psychopath/sociopath is overly romanticized in BL.
This, incidentally, is where their similarity to Guanshan lies. She Li never considered him an equal, but he enjoyed watching Guanshan crumble. Guanshan's emotions are like a fire, consuming not only everything around him, but himself as well.
What happens to a child's psyche when they feel safe nowhere and have no protective adult? Guanshan's irritability, aggression, learned helplessness, poor grades, impulsive actions and low emotional intelligence were all steadily leading to catastrophe. All his cognitive and emotional resources were drained by basic survival.
This prevents him from thinking clearly and growing personally. He's perpetually on edge, background anxiety is his constant companion. When Guanshan said his main goal was simply not to die in the future, he wasn't joking.
Undoubtedly He Tian and the others partially restored his self-belief, but you know, I never felt a genuine emotional closeness between him and the group. He Tian and Jian Yi, Jian Yi and Zhan Zheng Xi, Zhan Zheng Xi and his sister...The guys very quickly accepted him into their group. The beginning of their friendship always felt unnatural to me. It's as if they adopted a pet they take turns training. The friendship between He Tian, Jian Yi and Zhan Zheng Xi always seemed more authentic, even if He Tian was portrayed as the third wheel or part of a love triangle...
Will it work out? Illusion of independence.
But in reality these resources are needed not only for survival, but also to not disappoint He Tian, to be worthy of him.
After He Tian's departure Guanshan's life, unfortunately, again became gray and predictable, like Groundhog Day.
I hope that separation and heartache didn't turn Guanshan into an alcoholic.
Guanshan immersed himself in work and study because career and money remain his top priorities, second only to family.
Guanshan was initially angry with him, then that anger morphed into the ILLUSION that Guanshan didn't care if He Tian returned. As we see, he clearly does care...So it turns out He Tian is once again rescuing Guanshan from his monotonous, gray existence. I hope he at least got the auto repair job on his own merit, and he and his mother have long since resolved their debt issues...
Building sincere, profound connections is still not a priority because that skill was never properly developed. It seems he and Zhan Zheng Xi didn't interact much before Jian Yi's return either. He only reconnected with the guys after He Tian came back.
Summary: the conditions for healing.
Guanshan's healing will not begin simply by being surrounded by loving people, but when:
1. He will be able to build truly close, trusting relationships in which he will feel equal and accepted, not a debtor or an "object" to be corrected. This requires him to take responsibility for his own emotions and feelings.
2. When he develops an inner sense of confidence in his ability to provide for himself and his family. When he no longer has to survive among creditors and be dependent on people like She Li.
3. He will learn to manage his emotions and cope with them, without letting anger, aggression and his insecurity dictate his decisions.
4. He will understand that He Tian's departure is part of the price he pays for their future. This doesn't absolve He Tian of responsibility for his words and actions. And we still don't know why they didn't communicate for so long or how many times He Tian actually left. All this will help Guanshan stop feeling inferior, weaker or unworthy compared to He Tian and to temper his pride. He simply has no path to acquiring He Tian's level of wealth. A 50/50 relationship is clearly not feasible for them...
Of course this is not a quick and very difficult work on yourself. Change requires positive reinforcement and resources, but if Guanshan's development as an individual once again depends on He Tian and the others, it will be very sad!
Unfortunately, Guanshan is likely one of those individuals who will ignore his psychological issues until the very end. This avoidance is driven by a complex interplay of factors: a lack of financial means, chronic time poverty and sheer emotional exhaustion. His worldview is probably colored by the that psychology is a entertainment for the wealthy or a pursuit for people with nothing better to do.
He isn't inclined toward self - reflection not because he's incapable of it, but because all his cognitive resources are consumed by the basic demands of survival: his work. His identity is built upon the toxic masculine tenet that "a real man doesn't cry, he works hard."
The emotional suppression demanded by this belief system inevitably fails, as the human psyche cannot withstand constant internal pressure. His uncontrolled outbursts are the direct cost of this suppression, they are proof that repressed emotions will always find a way to express themselves, bypassing his conscious control ("thanks" alcohol).
What He Tian finds "endearing" about Guanshan's "outbursts" is not a cute character trait. It's an affective response, a direct symptom of unprocessed trauma.
His explosions are the psyche's scream - a psyche that never integrated the catastrophic experiences of its past and found release only in periodic, uncontrolled emotional discharges. A pattern that, unfortunately, has persisted into his adulthood.
The final illusion: conforming to the "real man" gender myth.
His trauma and poverty stripped him of his "ticket" into the world of "real men" and his relationship with He Tian only emphasizes his failure to measure up. To a significant extent his aggression and pride represent a desperate attempt to fulfill an impossible gender contract.
let's look at the situation from he tian's psychological perspective: the reasons for his silence.
this is my subjective interpretation, only partially based on the canon narrative. i may be incorrect in many aspects, but there are emerging patterns that are becoming difficult to ignore from a character analysis standpoint.
we are at a point where he tian is aware of guanshan's feelings for him. however this knowledge does not, unfortunately, translate into guanshan being perceived as a reliable or faithful partner in he tian's eyes. the distinction is crucial: it's not about guanshan's value as a person, but specifically his capacity as a partner. this may not stem from he tian viewing him as unintelligent or inherently untrustworthy - though that might be a secondary factor.
a recurring psychological dynamic is evident: he tian's problems remain his own, while guanshan's problems automatically become their shared burden.
guanshan has explicitly stated his disinterest in he tian's life and struggles on multiple occasions. i believe this is a key reason why he tian's psyche cannot register guanshan as a dependable figure. one can easily imagine he tian confiding his anxieties and issues to someone like jian yi or zhan zheng xi. even she li might serve as a more viable confidant than shan, as his villainous motivations would likely drive him to genuinely attempt to understand he tian's psyche.
psychologically guanshan's function in he tian's life is to serve as an emotional anchor - the person for whom he lives. essentially he tian does not require reciprocity from mo. his fundamental need is to have someone to love, a focal point for his attachment and currently, that person is mo. it's a rather tragic dynamic, isn't it?
the more the author relies on cliched relationship tropes and employs plot conflicts whose root causes we don't comprehend, the more it illuminates the superficial, template-like nature of their bond.
in reality they both want to become reliable and equal partners for each other. however without establishing a secure emotional attachment and fundamental trust, this goal is extremely difficult to achieve. at present neither can prioritize their partner above their own psychological defenses and traumas. he tian's trauma dictates that love is transactional and must be earned through provision and power, while guanshan's defenses are built on pride and a fierce independence that prevents him from showing vulnerability or fully relying on others.
yet even this unbalanced arrangement will eventually become insufficient for he tian. beyond physical attraction and the reenactment of childhood trauma, there are numerous elements - shared vulnerability, deep empathy, mutual understanding - that foster genuine intimacy. he tian has now vocalized this lack.
typically he tian receives care and attention through coercion, manipulation, material gifts or situations where his life is at risk. what i am convinced of is that, on a deep psychological level, he tian has a profound need for someone who will truly understand him and offer love unconditionally, independent of what he provides. currently mo is not that person...
he tian remained within his family and, presumably, the family business because he equates money and power with resources. these resources are necessary not only for protecting those he loves but also for earning that very love. the cars, the vast house - all are displays intended to prove his ability to provide safety and comfort to guanshan, to project an image of "having it all together." therefore his staying is not merely an inability to separate from his family or a desire for a luxurious lifestyle. it's a calculated strategy for securing attachment.
the most poignant example is the latest chapter:
yes this is the future, but i turned a blind eye to it.
mo sincerely thanks he cheng for the trip, completely overlooking the fact that he tian is the one who has truly paid the price. mo is present solely by virtue of being he tian's partner. he tian's ability to travel freely is a direct result of a transactional agreement with his family. in reality he tian consistently pays for his assistance to guanshan with his own freedom and autonomy. when the narrative fails to show any awareness of this dynamic from shan's perspective, it flattens his character, reducing him to a simplistic archetype. when a character becomes trapped by their trope (the tsundere) audience investment in the pairing diminishes, as there is little psychological depth left to analyze.
i suspect this core issue will be addressed by the author soon, but i am uncertain whether we will witness substantive character growth. a likely path is for mo to attempt a self-sacrificing act to prove his worth to he tian and his family.
their relationship will likely persist only until he tian encounters someone with whom he can form a truly strong, empathetic connection. or until guanshan meets someone with whom he does not feel inadequate or intellectually overshadowed.
it seems to me that the author may have grown fatigued with the four main characters. perhaps a shift in narrative focus to other individuals within the story would be beneficial...
guanshan reacted to he tian’s words as if he knew exactly what he tian had been doing abroad. in his view he tian definitely hadn’t suffered. guanshan’s aggressive behavior suggests he doesn’t believe he tian could have suffered just as deeply during their separation. BUT
why? i don't want to think that guanshan is so selfish and stupid that he doesn't ask himself whether he tian could have been forced to leave and perhaps forbidden to communicate with him.
because that's too much.
or perhaps he tian chose not to reach out himself. he might have been told that continuing his relationship with guanshan would put mo in danger. that’s why he tian was gone so long. he was waiting for permission to return. maybe that’s why guanshan thought about searching for he tian - he couldn’t bear the uncertainty anymore.
for some reason it’s important to he tian that mo asks him himself about the reason for their separation.
he tian knew he would return to mo. mo didn’t know if he tian would return to him.
he tian’s reaction is strange too. it’s like he also doesn’t believe guanshan truly waited for him. that’s why he sometimes acts like a jerk. BUT
that’s how it seems to me. it’s interesting. but this whole situation still feels very strange.
all of this only makes sense if it was guanshan who insisted on cutting off communication.
if you come back, it should only be because you want to yourself, not because you promised me or out of guilt. i don't need you to be faithful. live your life.
maintain a long-distance relationship? he tian seems to have been gone for a very long time...they wouldn't have managed it.
and then the resentment and disappointment would have been so much stronger.
i'm just trying to find some scrap of logic in this 😅
We don’t really get to see Guanshan being comfortable very often, or these two showing so much restraint with each other.
He Tian comes to pick him up at work, but he doesn’t interrupt or disturb him, just finds a place to wait while Guanshan finishes up. And Guanshan doesn’t get flustered or scold him when he finds him asleep on the office sofa, just covers him up and sits down next to him, waiting for him to wake up. It’s an unusually peaceful interaction.
(translation by @maomaozaii)
No embarrassment. No being upset.
It’s clear that Guanshan’s work is a place of security and source of self esteem for him. I like seeing him get to be his own person.
