Tales of an Oxymoronic Teen

[gaygeekoid]

Fuck dysphoria! I don’t even know how to spell it right because I’m dumb. But the past 2 days have been really rough. In art yesterday we had to stand up to see a demonstration and I was shifting around so much. I feel like people were looking at me like I’m crazy. I was readjusting my hoodie, moving my arms around, and overall looking really uncomfortable.

I also haven’t really explained the changing pronouns thing to my friends. So sometimes they’ll use they/them and it just feels wrong. Mostly because usually I just go between masculine and feminine, like someday I’m a dude and others I’m la chick.

Masculine days are pretty rare though. And it was really awkward to have 2 of those days in a row. Especially when I can’t really do anything different to make I clear. I mean...I dress ambiguously most of the time because then it’s more balanced on heavy dysphoria days.

The cool thing that happened today though, was that the chick-fil-a lady thought I was a boy. My dad orders with the name Skippy and she said to him, “Is that your name or his?” And she pointed at me!

[gaygeekoid]

Too much

Okay, here goes another post. This week wasn’t super terrible, despite having to go back to school. One thing that has been bugging me for weeks though is some of the stuff my friends say to me. A lot of the times when I say what I am actually thinking they tell me that I am too depressing so I try to stop. The thing is in order to stop I have found that I kind of need to build walls. These was however, end up being built and sustained by me throwing sarcastic and mean comments at my friends occasionally. 

This way of keeping my friends distanced not only puts a toll on me, but it automatically makes me ‘So mean’ and ‘Too mean’. I just can’t seem to find any other way to control myself. The second that I try being nice to a person I give them all of me, no limits. Use me for whatever you want I am always here no judgement. Then everything gets put on me, the secrets, the drama, the relationship crap. And I end up being mean all over again because it’s the only way to deal with all of the stuff I am trying to help with, but also kind of distance the people that I have given full access to.

One of these examples is the first new friend I made at school this year. We have had a kind of interesting friendship. But in November she tried to od. Suddenly she seemed much more human and we opened up to each other a little more. This month though we have a lot of classes together though, and she has a very bad attitude that rubs off on me and just ruins school for me, so I have been sitting with my other friends. She has gotten so hurt with this even though I hang out with her all morning before school and for an hour and a half when we have early dismissal. Also it’s not that I don’t talk to her, I just don’t sit next to her. But she got super hurt and has been calling me a bitch for not sitting with her all week. It’s just really been getting on my nerves and it really brings me down. It also just makes me feel really crappy, even though I don’t think I should, because I know she’s been through a lot of shit, but at the same time I can’t always sacrifice everything about/for me just to make another person happy.

Can I?

[gaygeekoid]

Today I realized that I really am not enough.

I am not smart enough. 

I am not ‘girly’ enough. 

I am not masculine enough.

 I am not cool enough. 

I am not normal enough. 

I am not mature enough.

I am not childish enough.

I am not kind enough.

I am not tough enough.

I am not calm enough.

Overall I am not good enough. 

I get good grades and my parents say that if I don’t do good on something academic related that they don’t mind. That it won’t ruin my life or anything. The thing is, the second I don’t do perfect or at least great on something they tell me that I am not trying hard enough. That I won’t get anywhere like that. 

When I try to present as female, I’m not girly enough. Mostly because I don’t wear makeup or have long hair. And these are things that people have come to associate with being feminine or ‘girly’. And I’m not into things that are considered feminine like fashion, make up, or even guys for that matter. 

When I try to present more masculine, I never pass. My chest is too big, or my voice is to feminine. Most of my friends are girls, so a lot of people assume that I am I girl even when that isn’t how I identify. 

I don’t socialize with a lot of people, other than my small group of friends. I am not good at talking to people and this means not a lot of people notice me, I am by no means popular nor am I considered cool. 

My lack of social ability and large friend group make me feel very different than a lot of people at my school. I end up being the teachers pet and not hanging out with my friends outside of school. Plus if I do hang out with my friends outside of school I end up being really awkward and make everything uncomfortable, so now even if I am invited to do things outside of school I try to say no. 

At school I manage to be very mature and respectful. I do all of my work, I don’t do drugs or drink (not that I do that stuff at home), I go above and beyond. So all of my teachers say I am very mature, especially compared to a lot of other kids at my school. The thing is that I have been doing this maturity thing for years, I have always been very well behaved, and it really takes a toll on me. So sometimes at school I slip up, but that’s not even my biggest issue. When I am at home sometimes I get more silly and childish, because I am a child. And if you don’t consider me a child I am at least a teenager (I’m 14). With all of this built up ‘childishness’ from trying to make my parents happy it’s all kind of starting to explode now.

This explosion has led to a lot of stuff. Pretty much I am just mad at this point because my parents are telling me I’m not mature enough to watch certain shows or do certain activities. And the other day they were yelling at me for not picking up my crap, or something like that, so  picked it up and put it away and came back out to where we were. They just kept grumbling about how I never listen and I make such a big mess and a bunch of stuff like that. So of course I was upset and I made a comment so they started yelling at me again. I could tell that I was gonna scream or do something I would regret if I didn’t leave, so I did what I thought would be the mature thing and I walked away. AS I left the room all I heard was my Dad saying, “Wow, that was very mature.” In such a sarcastic tone that I got so pissed. I am not supposed to have to be this mature, I am a child, or at least not an adult, I am supposed to be making mistakes and learning from them. 

All of the teachers at my school though tell me that I am so mature and that I should be a kid while I can. All I can’t so there’s that for you.

According to my mother and even some of my closest friends I am too mean, or harsh. I say the wrong things at the wrong times and I am too sarcastic. I try so hard though, to give myself to other people and be selfless, sometimes though I just need to stop. 

I let to many things get to me, like my parents snide comments. And my friends judgments of me. And even my own judgments of myself. I cry, a lot. I take things to seriously. I can’t take a joke sometimes. I am very dramatic and I commonly take things to a level they don’t need to be at. Sometimes I end up screaming about a teacher I don’t like or a student that pisses me off. Those are some of those outbursts that I can’t seem to control.

[anqelek]

[gaygeekoid]

Today has been crap. Always a great way to end a pretty decent winter break.

[gaygeekoid]

Questions

Okay, so I’m gender fluid. I’ve been trying to use they/them because then I think that I won’t feel so attacked when someone uses she her on days I’m feeling more masculine. The thing is the majority of the time I feel very feminine and prefer she/her. I don’t really know how to go about explaing this to people. Mostly I feel this way because I don’t think I can just say to my friends ‘Hey, my pronouns change. Sometimes daily, sometimes weekly, and even sometimes hourly.’ Plus then what do I except from them? To ask me every day, no that’s to much to put on them.

So how do I explain that to my friends?

Next there’s the issue of my sexuality along with this gender identity part. I have been identifying as a lesbian for almost a year now, but with this new part I feel like I can’t identify as it anymore even though it’s how I feel. I am primarily attracted to women, and most of the time I identify as female (or at least use feminine pronouns). So lesbian still feels right, but there have been one or two occasions where I find myself attracted to people who don’t identify as female. But bisexual and pansexual don’t feel like the right labels for me.

Can I identify as a gender fluid lesbian?

Is there a different way that I could identify?

Does anyone else feel this way?

PS: I really want a girlfriend

[aiwwocket]

Do you know what it's like to feel stuck between who you are and who you want to be but you don't know who you want to be or how to get there or how to find out?

[gaygeekoid]

I’ll just leave this here. Mostly because this just describes me, almost completely.

[gaygeekoid]

Care

There’s self care, care for others, care from others, care about object, care about events. There are so many things that we are expected to care about, but also expected not to care about. And I care, even if I don’t want to.

I care what people think. Whether it be what they think of how I look, how I talk, or even who I choose to be. I care if they like me as a person. And I try to change to be what they want me to be. 

Some people act like it is so easy not to care what others think of you. Thinking about it though, we live in a society where we are taught to care what others say about us and then expected not to care. 

Some people nonchalantly act like you can always say exactly what you want to, or do something you’ve been waiting to do. 

Some people think, ‘Oh you like someone? Tell them.”

Its not that easy, for me at least. I overthink it. I make it dramatic. I get scared how that person will react. I get confused and then I just shut down.

I can barely ask someone a question, without completely freaking out. I need to order food. Ha! That’s always interesting as I stutter through, missing questions and then feeling like they’re judging me for my inability to hold myself together. 

I feel like even my friends and family judge me constantly. For how loud I am, how much being lgbtq+ matters to me and affects my life, how I dress, and a bunch of other stuff. 

Is there a way that I can make myself stop caring?

[gaygeekoid]

New Year

I want to be more honest this year. I want to tell people how I feel and I want to be more open about who I am. The thing is that I feel that part of this new honesty needs to be me coming out to my parents. Which I have a few issues with. First of all, I wouldn’t actually want to come out as gender fluid because I haven’t really figured out how to explain that to anyone. Secondly, by telling them that I like all genders (even the ones they might not accept as real genders), I’m scared things will change. Like if I’m going to hang out with a friend they’ll ask who it is and their gender and then they’ll ask if we’re dating and I don’t know if I can handle that. Thirdly, my grandmother is in a w|w relationship that is very mentally abusive and I think my mother is going to be very scared that I will end up in the same position. 

So pretty much I don’t think honesty should be a very big goal for me this year. 

[gaygeekoid]

Falling Apart

Anyone else feel like the whole world just falls apart when you try to have control over yourself. At this point, because I’m a minor, I feel like I have control over almost nothing in my life. I am a very controlling person, so this really screws with me. I just want to be able to cut my hair or do my make up or go one day without freaking out about some little thing. But I can’t do any of this because there are so many unknown variables surrounding me.