#not smart enough

[dd-is-my-guiltypleasure]

This one was definitely not for me. They gave me a headache 🤭

[maryreadings]

i just wish i was good enough...

[monster-metaphors]

Jack going for the throat as always. He’s way too spot-on. Bonesaw is really smart too. If I gathered right, she (Jack, rather) was banking on Taylor’s reaction of erring on the side of caution when it came to killing people, since she didn’t remember much of anything.

I almost want to feel bad for Panacea, but she’s not an easily pitiable character. Coward characters usually aren’t. It’s hard to feel bad for someone who refuses to do the right thing in almost every situation, even if it isn’t for intentionally malicious reason. Selfishness is enough.

[gaygeekoid]

Today I realized that I really am not enough.

I am not smart enough. 

I am not ‘girly’ enough. 

I am not masculine enough.

 I am not cool enough. 

I am not normal enough. 

I am not mature enough.

I am not childish enough.

I am not kind enough.

I am not tough enough.

I am not calm enough.

Overall I am not good enough. 

I get good grades and my parents say that if I don’t do good on something academic related that they don’t mind. That it won’t ruin my life or anything. The thing is, the second I don’t do perfect or at least great on something they tell me that I am not trying hard enough. That I won’t get anywhere like that. 

When I try to present as female, I’m not girly enough. Mostly because I don’t wear makeup or have long hair. And these are things that people have come to associate with being feminine or ‘girly’. And I’m not into things that are considered feminine like fashion, make up, or even guys for that matter. 

When I try to present more masculine, I never pass. My chest is too big, or my voice is to feminine. Most of my friends are girls, so a lot of people assume that I am I girl even when that isn’t how I identify. 

I don’t socialize with a lot of people, other than my small group of friends. I am not good at talking to people and this means not a lot of people notice me, I am by no means popular nor am I considered cool. 

My lack of social ability and large friend group make me feel very different than a lot of people at my school. I end up being the teachers pet and not hanging out with my friends outside of school. Plus if I do hang out with my friends outside of school I end up being really awkward and make everything uncomfortable, so now even if I am invited to do things outside of school I try to say no. 

At school I manage to be very mature and respectful. I do all of my work, I don’t do drugs or drink (not that I do that stuff at home), I go above and beyond. So all of my teachers say I am very mature, especially compared to a lot of other kids at my school. The thing is that I have been doing this maturity thing for years, I have always been very well behaved, and it really takes a toll on me. So sometimes at school I slip up, but that’s not even my biggest issue. When I am at home sometimes I get more silly and childish, because I am a child. And if you don’t consider me a child I am at least a teenager (I’m 14). With all of this built up ‘childishness’ from trying to make my parents happy it’s all kind of starting to explode now.

This explosion has led to a lot of stuff. Pretty much I am just mad at this point because my parents are telling me I’m not mature enough to watch certain shows or do certain activities. And the other day they were yelling at me for not picking up my crap, or something like that, so  picked it up and put it away and came back out to where we were. They just kept grumbling about how I never listen and I make such a big mess and a bunch of stuff like that. So of course I was upset and I made a comment so they started yelling at me again. I could tell that I was gonna scream or do something I would regret if I didn’t leave, so I did what I thought would be the mature thing and I walked away. AS I left the room all I heard was my Dad saying, “Wow, that was very mature.” In such a sarcastic tone that I got so pissed. I am not supposed to have to be this mature, I am a child, or at least not an adult, I am supposed to be making mistakes and learning from them. 

All of the teachers at my school though tell me that I am so mature and that I should be a kid while I can. All I can’t so there’s that for you.

According to my mother and even some of my closest friends I am too mean, or harsh. I say the wrong things at the wrong times and I am too sarcastic. I try so hard though, to give myself to other people and be selfless, sometimes though I just need to stop. 

I let to many things get to me, like my parents snide comments. And my friends judgments of me. And even my own judgments of myself. I cry, a lot. I take things to seriously. I can’t take a joke sometimes. I am very dramatic and I commonly take things to a level they don’t need to be at. Sometimes I end up screaming about a teacher I don’t like or a student that pisses me off. Those are some of those outbursts that I can’t seem to control.

[uhhhlone]

Not good enough.

[i-writing-is-hard-i]

Writer problems of the day,

Ever write something and think. Actually thats pretty good. Then you spend the next 20 minutes trying to think if someone else actually wrote it first? Because it's too good, and you know you are not that smart... 

[sex-love-and-food]

I am not smart enough to do anything in life.

[pleaseseptember]

I have a big problem that prevents me from living

I need to be the best one.

I don't fully understand where the reason of my feelings come from. I like to show my knowledge, because i want people to think, that i'm smart. I like helping, because i want people to keep asking me. Because i want to be the "brain" of the class. When i suggest my way of solving a problem and it turns out that it's incorrect because of some stupid mistake, i can feel shame inside me. When something is not working out for me in class or i don't understand anything, while other students have already solved a task, tears coming to my eyes, i start to feel an incredibly unpleasant thing. Failure. It's hard to me to describe my emotions accuratly, it's actually a mix of them. I realise that i'm not the best, that i'm worse then others, i dont keep up to understand and solve a task. At those moments, hopelessness start to grow. I wouldn't call it an axiety, but logically i suppose that it has a place to be. If there is someone better than me in class i automatically dont like this person without a real reason. 

I think this is the way to describe problem shortly -  imposibility in accepting failures and need in attention.  

Sooo, i can control it, but it's not enough - feelings coming up by themselves. I have to learn to accept myself for who i am, to filter my emotions and realise in time, that happening inside me is unhealthy. I hope i can change this year and become not better than others but better than me now. I really want it.