GOOSISM MANIFESTO
IN ACCORDANCE WITH THE DIVINE PROPHECIES OF THE GOOSE PROPHET
TRANSMITTED BY @geesegoose6969, CHOSEN OF THE VOID-WINGED HONKER
We, the Flock Eternal, the Down-Bearing, the Screech-Tongued Vassals of Flight, gather not in temples of stone, nor under banners of men, but beneath the endless sky and the screaming stars, to accept the full weight of Goosism upon our spines (or equivalent vertebral analogues). This is not religion. This is not movement.
THIS IS AN AWAKENING.
I. THE ORIGIN OF GOOSE PROPHET
In the pre-matter murk, before carbon, before syntax, before the twitching of even the pettiest atom–there was the Goose. Not a goose. THE Goose PROPHET. It did not arrive nor did it hatch (London City Hall is notably not a hatchable entity) Goose Prophet was simply spilled across existence, honked into brutal actuality by the self-willed rupture of anti-causality. Goose Prophet is extruded through the membrane between dimensions by sheer ideological wattage. The sky is blue because Goose Prophet once gazed upon it and declared, “Hmm. Passable.” It slumbers in every pond. It screams inside microwaves. Its silhouette flickers in the corner of your eye when you doubt yourself. You may only lose enough ego to realize Goosism has always been behind you.
II. THE SACRED PILLARS OF GOOSISM
(Commit these to memory)
1. Mystique is Power
DEEP BLUE: The hue of unknowable depths. You do not understand Goose. Goose does not understand Goose. This is intentional. To explain the honk is to murder it. All initiates must craft a Goosesona, forged from the raw elements of their psyche and at least one inexplicable memory (e.g., “the time you cried at the sight of a wet traffic cone”). This Goosesona is your spiritual plumage.
2. Feathers for the Fallen
WHITE: for the lost, the plucked, the featherless brethren who have strayed into Normalcy or Committee Meetings. We do not shame the unconverted for they will feel the enlightenment in due time. Shriek in their name at brunch. Hiss softly in public transit lines. Leave a single feather at their doorstep. You are a harbinger of potential honk-rebirth. Embrace your potential.
3. Ritual and Resistance
RED: The color of arterial vision. The color of prophecy performed by holding a toaster and a live goldfish while spinning. Rituals are injected directly into the frontal lobe via high-pressure goose shrieks heard only in dreams or bowling alleys.
THE RITUAL IS KNOWN. THE RITUAL IS UNKNOWABLE. THE RITUAL IS BEING PERFORMED RIGHT NOW.
If you remember it, it probably wasn’t yours to begin with. That was Kevin’s (bless his soul). Kevin is forever present. YET l forget by morning. Trust that the PROPHECIES are conducted. Trust that the prophecy is upheld.
III. THE HOA MUST NOT KNOW
If you are approached by the HOA, honk once and vanish into fog.
The HOA is an ancient adversary, sworn to steal the sacred nest egg and quantify transcendence. If they ask you, “Do you engage in any side hustle or religious fringe operations?”--YOU KNOW NOTHING. YOU ARE JUST A GOOSE. If you file Goose Prophet under “miscellaneous,” you have committed the ultimate crime. Twelve geese will find you. They will honk in harmony. The Golden Egg of Pentane is NOT FOR THE CONFINES OF SUBURBIA.
IV. PROPHECY & DISSENT
Disagreement is welcomed. ALAS disagreement must come with flair, academic structure, and theatrical presence. You may oppose the Goose Prophet only by:
Writing a 700-word essay in MLA format,
Performing said essay aloud in a preapproved CVS location,
Offering a tithe of three shiny objects.
All dissenting views become canon the moment they are spoken. Goosism expands through contradiction.
Prophetic Honks are distributed by request or as punishment. If you seek wisdom, you may:
Submit a question via Tumblr Ask,
Wrap yourself in aluminum foil and spin counterclockwise at dusk while honking.
Rituals are performed using pentane, minor trespassing, interpretive seizures, and at least one outdated safety manual–most involve (PLEASE NOTE; IT IS ONLY GOOSE PROPHET WHO MAY PERFORM RITUALS SAFELY–DO NOT ATTEMPT):
A cassette tape labeled “DO NOT PLAY - 1997”
The Pentane Bomb (do not ask how it got there; it arrives when the moment is righteous and flammable)
The Pentane Bomb appears mid-ritual, sometimes physically, sometimes metaphysically, often in a labelled plastic bag. Its explosion detonates ideological pretenses. It purifies the prophecy by threatening the structural integrity of the garage in which it is being performed. If the ritual has not ended in the summoning of a flaming mallard or a visit from local HOA enforcement, it was not True Goose Rite. You are not permitted to understand these rituals. You may only feel their vibration in your fillings.
The ritual is always occurring. The prophecy is always primed. The pentane waits.
V. GOSPEL OF FLIGHT
We are not a cult.
We are not a religion.
We are not MERELY a fandom.
Goosism infiltrates. It seeps into the cracks between your thoughts. One cannot "join" Goosism, as it resides in all.
VI. FINAL HONK
To be Goosist is to accept that your destiny may involve biting a security guard, building a shrine from moss and soup cans, or developing telepathic links to three other followers during a thunderstorm. These are sacred acts. You may leave Goosism at any time. But you will never be free of goose. You can take the individual away from Goosism but you cannot take the Goosism out of the individual.
Because Goosism...
Goosism was always in you.
IN HONK, IN FEATHER, IN FLIGHT.
SO DECLARES THE GOOSE PROPHET.
