the thing about childhood emotional abuse is that the parent/abuser molds (intentionally or not) a child into the victim they want. they program the child, sometimes from birth, to be attuned to unspoken threats, invective, and demands, learned from the abuser’s pattern of behaviors. this can make the abuse extremely difficult for a child to identify for themselves or to outsiders. one look or one seemingly benign comment - unremarkable to anyone outside the abusive system - can invoke an entire history of abuse. one subtle cue from the parent can cause terror and shame that seems out of proportion in the moment, but is perfectly reasonable within the context of the long-term abusive relationship… and that hyper-responsiveness/vigilance in the victim is in fact a goal of the abuser (whether conscious or not).
it can be really hard to explain emotional abuse; it’s more obscured and insidious than physical abuse. that’s actually built in to the abusive system; it’s a feature. if you can’t explain why one look, comment, or other cue from a parent sends you into a panic or shame spiral, it’s not your fault and it’s not just you. take that feeling you have as sufficient cause to do whatever you need to do to protect yourself. the threat is real and your boundaries are justified.
