Hello
hello time capsule
hello little graveyard
I am a woman now. Self sufficient. Strong minded and strong willed. I’m sleeping (more). I am hiding, or rather reserving myself from the massive heard undeserving desperate men I used to nail myself to a cross for.
In a month or so I’ll be sitting in my own apartment in Berkeley with my own bathroom, my own kitchen, existing free and naked in my solitude.
6 years ago a space entirely of my own would rapidly churn into an absolute den of depravity. I would be drinking, smoking, snorting, grinding on whatever I could get past the threshold into my little world.
But since then I’ve also had my heart broken, or rather, broken open Like a coconut. Someone I loved turned frightening. So frightening in fact that I had to become someone I loved to get out. A process that took upwards of 28 years. My ex lover was a beautiful disaster to end them all. A genius who suffered paranoid hallucinations. A gentle romantic who harmed and deserted. A sleeping angel who in the last couple years could *only* bring themselves to sleep. I truly fell in love with the workings of their mind, but their mind is what ended up attacking them and forcing them to self destruct. The poems stopped coming and the sex became less loving and intentional and I realized that this green eyed universe of mine was pouring from an empty cup. I had to force myself to unlearn almost everything I knew about love. It was truly quicksand to leave this person. I had a person that couldn’t give me what I needed but who would be there for the rest of my life if I had simply let them.
