Doing this for MYSELF

I've had to diet and lose weight 4 times i my life all before the ge of 25. I've come to good plan, but lame. There was a time when my first child was finally 2 and i could work out 5 days a week 2 hours at time. Now i have another infant and working out is not as easy as it was then. Though this time i'm not having kids for a lonnnng time or ever, so i have my body to myself again for a good amount of time.This time i'm going to do this! Not just for my family, so i can do fun agile things, but for myself because i loved how i felt when i was dropping weight before pregnancies. That was great, life is so different when you can DO SHIT. so...Im going to do it again, but i have to find a plan that is going to work with someone like me, a procrastinater, a busy mom, a TIRED mom, Bipolar mom at that. So please, if you need to do this for yourself, lets do it together!

[getthehelloffme-blog]

Bad day

Today I weighed in...not good. I been having a hard time with myself the last week, either picking fights or trying to make a point and of course...being miss understood. I stuck to my diet but I think I'm having issues with sodium, when I cook I love salt and for lunch I have beef jerky. Think I have to give up on jerky replace it with another smoothie(which is ok) and less salt at dinner. I will try that this week, and see what happens next Friday.

[getthehelloffme-blog]

Kinda worried

Still doing my life changing eating still loving it, but I'm scared for this weeks weigh in. I feel like the first two weeks were just...luck. I keep forgetting my crunches to, even though I just started middle of last week on them. To fail is failing myself, however I tell myself if I forgot yesterday I double today. This doesn't mean cause I feel like it may not be working that ill quit. Ill keep going even if the weigh in isn't so satisfying or worse. I have to do this. Birthday dinner on the 16th, my goal is 10lbs by then which was 2 lbs a week. If more then great but I got to be close ! But if not still can't give up. It may take longer then expected but I still dream of my feeling sexy, light, agile, and most of all happy. I don't want to dream it anymore I want to get there and dream a better dream like all the skinny girls get to do. Which most I know are dreaming of nothing and being lazy and complaining a lot. Haha! Well ill be different, ill focus on my art, my marriage, my children, my family and friends, my own little "keep me happy" business I'm working on as I work in this. MaN!! What you can do when you feel great about yourself!! Must be nice :)

[getthehelloffme-blog]

This is my motivation tracking calendar, worked really well for me when I was losing weight before I got pregnant last. Bringing it back, happy about it to! As you can see there's my weight, so far it's working. I'm worried about me having to stop nursing though, i was dropping weight like crazy till this diet ( yeah still to come) so I'm hoping it won't be changing. If rather wait in telling you my plan till after nursing is completely done, just to make sure. If it doesn't work I have to think of something new. But I show you this, because its a great thing to see everyday, which means the best place to put it is where you will see it. Mine is hanging up in my bathroom, I look at it all the time haha. Well like I said I'll keep you posted, let me dry up from nursing and then I'll fold it all out for you later :)

[getthehelloffme-blog]

Day before

Tomorrow is my weigh day, as soon as I find out how I did and see if what I've been doing is working for two weeks now, I'll share my plan with you ! It's easy and I feel good, lets see if the scale says so to. If not ill do some changing, I know some things could of not been eaten but if all is good then maybe it's ok to eat those extra calories. They were not such bad choices either. We shall see!!! Catch me tomorrow!

[getthehelloffme-blog]

Also...

Also... Bipolar is hard to deal with as I do this. So for those that have to fight it as well, I’m here to not only show you how you can still work on losing weight even with bipolar situations. Write me if you are looking for support I am here for you and anyone, I will post books that have helped me and are on the way. I’m really trying hard to not let myself get in the way. In fact I know a great book to start you out with, a quick read and if you have a kindle its only .99 cents The Problem is YOU: how to get out of your own way and conquer self defeating behavior. Great book, sad part though was that it described me in every way. I never believe people telling me this, but reading it was different and it sunk in. Read this, find help. You can’t let yourself down. I read in About Self Esteem and How to Be Confident, that a great way to think about your self is another best friend. You wouldn’t not help your best friend, or put her off to the side like you do yourself. It’s time to love yourself…to love myself, and ill go there with you. It’s the only way to be that person I want to be, that person I imagine. Rough part is that I was that person, but that’s good because I can be that again. And don’t think bettering yourself will turn you fake, you will feel real. People will give you more attention and want to be around you more just do to the fact you are nice to yourself, and not so damn negative. Do this with me.

[getthehelloffme-blog]

Here i go again on my own...

Just wanted to say that. But at the same time it is actually true. I can only do this for myself, on my own. I was never able to count on friends or family in doing this weight loss again and again with me. I had work out buddies, but that is as far as that went. I don't know about you but i like to stay to myself most the time. I hate it, and once i feel confident maybe i can change that next? hopefully.

So in the beginning i was a twig. Are we not all twigs when we are kids? For the most part we are. It's when the work of others come to play, that starts changing your life for good(or bad). We hear things we don't want to hear or do, and it teaches us, and shapes us for life. Such as when your father comes into your room at 15years old and tells you to get up off the floor you're getting fat, mind you i was in the middle of doing crunches. Then when you have heavy mean periods like i did and you're on the toilet head first you have your step mother yelling at you saying "YOU'RE TO SKINNY! ARE YOU TURNING INTO A BELEMIC?!". And of course nothing you can say will change her mind. You're just a kid that drives her insane and she cant stand for the most part.

They really didn't get how much they hurt with those words. Today i'm still hearing, "you're fat, you're fat, you're fat" or.. " you look like a clown with that makeup" when i didn't, but here i go again as a adult i think every time i try to make myself look pretty i just look like a fat ass clown for all to laugh at. Even though they are no longer around anymore( alive and well yes, but a thousand miles away) I feel every time i go out, i'm being stared at, and whispered about. I'm always just waiting for someone to come up and say "You're fat and ugly" any day. I'll get out of the bedroom and feel OK, then take me out of the front door (with only two neighbors) and i feel all the pressure of judgement coming down on me. I like good attention, i like some attention...But not these days at all to be honest. Every woman likes to get a compliment or two. I HATE them, i feel like i don't deserve it, or they are lying. Well that part needs to change.

In fact, This whole thing needs to change. Depression set in after high school, food was my go to. I love food, sometimes though i just love the comfort, like any other woman. Yes you know the story, fat piled on. Left me legs alone for the most part, straight to the gut and arms and chin. I look like i have skinny tan leggings on in my view when i look in the mirror butt ass naked. Just thinking about it tears me up, mostly because the view i see now, is the view i kept seeing in high school, when i was athlete, thin, muscular, i would die for that bod. Nothing new for the others like me right? right...

I don't want to victimise myself, i just want to get my story out. i want to help change people's lives, and let them know i will fight this battle with myself for others. I will put my plan out in the open, hopefully it will be caught on. Before my 2nd pregnancy i was all in the gym, 5 days a week, 2 hours at a time. Counting calories in the back of my mind ( i cant stand apps, or food diaries or programs to count or mark or organize, Ain't nobody got time for that!) loving how i felt with limber legs, lifting heavy weights, running after my older kid, or errands to the grocery store being easier, or no weight on my face, my hair even looked bigger. That feeling was .... Fabulous.  It was like sitting in clouds, waiting for a new problem to come at me, because after fighting off that weight i wanted to yell out "BRING IT ON LIFE!". I could take on anything, improve other things about myself and family so much easier. Life felt worth it, I had a meaning, for myself. I felt more needed by doing this for myself. I was making sure i was taking care of the person my family loved, so i can be what they deserve. Being there for myself, meant i was able to take all the time to be there for them. You ever feel that?

When i first started getting fat, i was...20. I'm 5'10 1/2, my weight is suppose to be around 159-180. At 20 i was, if i can remember about 225.  At 21 I married my high school sweetheart and i went on weight watchers and got down to 199. Went to Vegas for my honey moon and lost it ever since! because 2 months later...PREGNANT! I figured before we planned it, was hey..i'm fat now, why not get pregnant and get fat, then lose it all after. That may have been a mistake? Lets just say i never felt like the cute pregnant lady (in either pregnancies). At my 25th i was 218! But yet again we decided to have our next kid, time between kids was getting to long for us to wait. This pregnancy i did better though, however at the end of my pregnancy i was 276. I consider that 300lbs. It was hell. Two weeks after little Annie came into the family November 14th, i weighed myself...241. I could handle that as a start weight i guess. 

So my plan wasssssssssss...Herbal life and breastfeeding. Breastfeeding check. Herbal life? 200$ to start!!!!??? hello!? i just had my second kid, im a stay at home mother, and my husband works two jobs just for us to live pay check to pay check. (best man i ever met. He loves me so) We do not have money for this at all. My poor husband, he would say "just wait for next pay check please". Still each time it came there was no way. We are trying to adjust to two kids now, we picked up a Costco card, you know how trips to Costco are. you walk out spending 300$ but money well spent. Great for when you live 45 min away from everything. So, I came to terms after feeling disappointed, i felt ashamed. Its not my husbands fault we cant afford shit. If anyone its mine! So New plan. scratch being most likely at my goal weight (at least 200 lbs) by my birthday(March 19th).

So i thought about how great i felt when i was last losing weight. Thought about what i was doing then, which first off, i started with a calender. What i did was take the top of the calender (not the pictures, just around the month part) and wrote NO this, No that. (ex. No ice cream [cept frozen yogurt...come on now] No McDonald's, No giving up. I also set up a day where i weighed in (weight watchers stuck with me on that part) and then i picked Thursdays. Usually i did it in the morning butt naked before i showered...after potty time haha. Then i put a or a few positive affirmations. Those experts don't lie...they work(to a point). I really think this worked. I even inspired some friends online on FB. But you have to put it where you see it. Mine is hanging up in my bathroom, where i walk by constantly and when I'm putting on my makeup, its there trying to sneak up behind me! That time i used it, i say it worked for 4 months, right up to when i got pregnant. Why did i lose control on being pregnant?

Do i have to explain?! well maybe i should. I had morning sickness this time, i could only eat what would settle and it literally was grease, fries, burgers. That really the as the worst of it. well and some soda. But for the most part i had 32oz x 2 or more a day. I did my best, but what killed me when i ate good food was seconds. I've always struggled with portions.

As well as the calender what worked was a coach. My problem with that though, is i don't have time to do zumba or money for a personal trainer. Even though i have a friend that instructs at a new place, I'm too tired! i don't have things down right now to just get up and leave for a few hours then get back to being a mom hardcore. That and my infant all of a sudden doesn't like the bottle (we're working on that). Maybe after my birthday when i run into a plateau i can start that.

Now, i also remember i didn't let Carbs hold me back but i also didn't give them up. Hell NAW, i'm a women who loves food and don't touch my potatoes! I still kept them in my diet needless to say. That's where i did my best to keep going over bored with the portions.

Then the most part, Green Smoothies! people are grossed out at first, ewwww green spinach noooo. what spinach? its a green smoothie, but you don't taste it if you do it right! nope not at all, if anything you need it to complete it. My favorite was the banana and peanut butter green smoothie. I swear this was the kick off when i was stuck in the 220's. I drank them after a work out/for breakfast, but beware, you gas is pretty stinky.

So I explained to my husband how those days were good for me and he agreed. He said that he wished i kept it up for myself because my mood flopped completely, i was a whole new woman to this guy. He loved it. Hence the new baby haha. Once i got it organized on how i was going to do this, and gave him the list and plan, he said go for it. I go by him because he makes the money, he wants to know how much this will be of course.

So before i write on, i'll take a break. Next post i'll go step by step on what i'm doing. I got to post this before i have a break down with my computer and it erases. for some reason i cant copy this. i'm scared! Stay tuned people!

[getthehelloffme-blog]

This is me when I had 3 weeks of pregnancy left to go. I BLEW UP! I hated myself so much, only thing that kept me from going crazy, was the fact I knew most of this was swelling from holding water =(. However, this is also my family, pregnant with annie, mother of Rox (3 here) and wife to Anthony.