The Joys of Leaving

A recent exmormon. I'll probably post haphazardly, when I have something to say. Hope you can find what you need.

[gettingoutofherelehi]

I've been out for a while now, but I still get that euphoria when I remember I don't have to put on a dress this Sunday or the next or the one after that.

Or ever again.

[garlicsolitaire]

Don’t tell ex-mo aces that aphobia doesn’t exist.

I grew up in a religion where it was beaten into my head that as an afab, my only eternal worth could be found in being a wife and mother.

I grew up in a religion where I was told you can’t go to heaven without a spouse, like I would literally never be with god and jesus unless I was in a straight relationship.

I grew up in a religion where they believe if I’m “stubborn” about this asexual thing my whole life, but repent in the afterlife, my “abnormality” will be “cured” and god will make me straight… and they talk about it like it’s not a slap in the face.

Is it as bad as being transgender, gay, bi, or pan and in the mormon church? Maybe not. All I know is that the one time my TBM mother ever brought up asexuality she said it was, “disgusting.”

Don’t tell me I’m asexual “for the attention”. Don’t tell me that nobody cares that I don’t want to have sex or date. And don’t you dare tell me that aphobia isn’t real.

[gettingoutofherelehi]

To those who were stuck watching conference:

Covid and a fuckton of other things has made the world seem to shrink. If you feel really trapped right now (especially if you're not a legal adult), no one should be surprised.

Even so, I can't imagine the extent or intensity of what you might be feeling.

Though it might be difficult to believe on an emotional level, this situation is not permanent. You deserve better and better still exists.

[gettingoutofherelehi]

Another 6 months, another round of puking their boring malice from the podium.

[gettingoutofherelehi]

When I was growing up, I really didn't take care of myself. Part of it was just because I was kinda an outdoorsy kid, but some of it was just unhealthy.

Something changed when I left the church and moved into an apartment by myself.

All the sudden, I had a gross threshold. Old underwear filled me with dread. I began to notice (and dislike) the feel of unwashed skin. I stopped picking at scabs and bumps.

Looking back, I now know I was probably practicing some kind of self-harm. But leaving the church and embracing my identity accomplished in a few months what my mother, sisters, and society's socialization for women couldn't my whole childhood.

If you're thinking about leaving, I can't promise all your mental issues will be resolved. You'll still have heavy shit to deal with. But you might be surprised by some small changes.

[jwapostate]

I think one of the biggest things the org took away from me was my ability to see the good in things, to recognize that even though there is injustice and suffering in the world, that people are also kind and compassionate. that having a body can be painful and tedious, but it can also feel so so good, to feel sunlight on your back for the first time in the spring, to sit by the ocean, to lay in the grass. 

they would always tell us that nothing good could come from this world, that it was rotten through and through, and that our only hope at living a fulfilling life was to make it to the new world, but that was all lies. this life, right now, is real, and it is good, and it matters.

[gettingoutofherelehi]

During this COVID business, I’ve been social distancing more or less alone. Luckily, I’ve been an essential worker so I haven’t gone completely mad with isolation. But I come to an empty home.

I can call my parents, but I can’t really go deep with any of my stresses. Especially the political ones. Primarily the political ones. Because I’ve been working during a pandemic since March and I don’t have the energy to deal with a conservative newspaper’s soggy takes. Because a lot of Mormons are just lowkey waiting for the world to die.

It’s not fun to feel lonelier during a phone call than before or after it.

I hope every exmo stuck with less than ideal quarantine situations can deal with the “loneliness in the crowd” feeling.

[gettingoutofherelehi]

I wonder sometimes how believing in an afterlife can kinda interfere with processing grief. Don’t get me wrong - this concept can be genuinely comforting to a lot of people. But I wonder at times about the drawbacks.

I keep thinking about this kid I met in girl’s camp. We started becoming friends over the week so it sucked when she told me she was moving after camp.

That was one of the few years I participated in the end-of-the-week testimony meeting. I started to cry on stage as I told everybody how it was ALL fine even though she was moving out because we would meet again in heaven.

Now I lay here wondering how many lost relationships I haven’t properly mourned because I used to believe that the loss wasn’t permanent.

Now I’m left with weird traces of grief.

Anyone else know what I’m talking about?

[gettingoutofherelehi]

There are things you realize over and over again. Today I realized yet again is how few computer games I’ve actually tried.

I grew up with pc games (minimal contact with console, my parents never bought the systems required). But when I watch video game youtubers, it becomes obvious that there are classics I’ve never played.

I tend to play one or two games obsessively at a time. I have put hundreds of hours into games like civilization, stardew valley, sims, and a couple others. I know the games I like and I stick to them.

But part of me is just unwilling to explore my world. I know that my Mormon childhood is related to that. I actively avoided games, books, movies, and other media until I heard from faithful people that they were ok/moral.

Even now I have difficulty getting into new stuff without someone I know recommending them.

I just didn’t want to get attached to something evil. But now I can see all the stuff I haven’t tried. And, more horrifyingly, I can still feel the fearful reluctance to try something new. The fear I might try something and have to put it right back because they used a cuss word too strong or something similarly trivial.

[nonbinary-nonbeliever]

sometimes i want to claw my way to the top of the church buildings and clang pots and pans together and shout i have been harmed, i have been harmed. it was not self inflicted and it was not my fault. i may have cut my skin, but that was always because of the shame you put inside of it. it was not a disease or illusion of my mind. i was given poison and told it was the most sustaining meal i would ever have. i was given self-hate and told that if i did not take it i would be condemned. i was praised as a shining child of god with one hand and backhanded as a filthy sinner with the other. i have been harmed in a house you claimed to be god's, and nobody came to my aid. i left only to survive. do you hear? i left only to survive.

in my dreams, i am running. in my dreams, red bleeds from the heart tattoo on my wrist. in my dreams, i am tearing the temples down and burning every church to ashes. i am the beast that is feared by all godfearing children. i am always hungry. i am always wounded. i am the natural man, the enemy of the divine. god has no power to hunt me down.

i rip the church organs open until they scream, and i survive.

[gettingoutofherelehi]

Mormons:

Don’t hide your candle under a bushel. STAND TRUE To tHE TrUtH YouR PaReNTS CHERISHED!!!!!1!1

Also Mormons:

If anyone makes any criticism of you, you need to change your behavior. ~Don’t have a hard heart~

Solution:

Yeet your brain into the sun.

[crazyexmormon]

just in case anyone needed this. found on r/exmormon. this definitely describes some of my trauma better then i can

[gettingoutofherelehi]

My sister is getting married soon.

It’s one of those events in my life that I know is going to be a roller coaster.

Today I was overjoyed that I found a good blazer to wear at the wedding (at the bits I can still attend). I swore off dresses as soon as I left.

But I know I’m going to be nervous when the day comes. How will my family act when they are faced with the finality of me openly wearing a suit?

Then there’s the elephant in the room. It’s a temple marriage, I’m an exmormon - you know the drill.

But in the end, I have to remember that I’m not the only one making choices. My still Mormon family is going to make a choice as soon as they walk through that temple door and watch me not follow.

In some ways they already made the choice.

All I can do is make my own choices.

[daffodil-discussions-deactivate]

What do you think is the worst thing about the Church as a whole?

I think it’s that–and this is probably true of any religion, really–it leads people to assume they know what’s best for other people and, in their eyes, removes the need for considerate empathy. 

In declaring that a deity controls what is and isn’t taught, the Church assumes a position of absolute morality. As a result, people in the Church apply those stark and shallow rules to all situations without any critical thought on their part. The issue isn’t so much that people voluntarily use this guided line of thinking in their own lives. It’s that they apply it to the lives of others. Lives that they themselves are not experiencing. And that this assumed position of absolute morality dissuades them from putting any real consideration into the impact of their beliefs. A good example is divorce. The Church teaches that divorce is bad, therefore God teaches that divorce is bad, therefore getting a divorce is always the wrong answer. When encountering someone who is considering/going through/has had a divorce, members of the Church fall back on this teaching without considering (or even bothering to ask about) the unique circumstances of the individual. Without even trying. Here’s another example: LGBT issues. The Church teaches that being gay is bad, therefore that’s what God thinks, therefore it’s best for gay people to repress their sexualities and either never seek romance or settle for physical intimacy with someone they’re incapable of wanting that intimacy from. This is what The Church teaches, so there’s no need for members to pause and actually consider the lives of the people that belief impacts, and how it impacts them. It’s so easy for them to say “well, you shouldn’t do that” without any attempt to put themselves in the shoes of those they’re preaching to.  They don’t put thought into what motivates people to certain action. Because they don’t think they have to. After all, their morality (or, rather, the moral standard their church has fed them) are Absolute and Universal. So why bother?

[gettingoutofherelehi]

To all the Sunday school teachers asking HOW whatever religious thing makes life better:

You really should start with the question “DOES it make life better?”

[gettingoutofherelehi]

Cults are all about isolation.

As a TBM, I used to think that Utah Mormons were lucky.

I was practically aghast when I heard that some Mormon Utah kids would smoke and drink (you know, regular edgy teenage stuff).

Didn’t they know how easy they had it? I, as the only Mormon in my school usually, had to be a good Mormon. I had to not “hide my candle under a bushel” and I was bitter that others didn’t have to.

But damn was I really the lucky one.

I left high school with the vaguest idea that there was a world outside. That there were things that Mormons could learn from the world. That Mormons were tiny in the scheme of things.

And those ideas helped me get through BYU ( the groupthink is real). Those ideas helped me survive when I finally put two and two together and realized I was bi. They helped me get the courage to leave.

If you grew up in a cult-dense area and you’re still fighting your way out, you have my condolences and admiration. I went to BYU and nearly lost myself there. You’re strong.

[gettingoutofherelehi]

Well, Round 180 or whatever of the shit show is about to be begin in earnest.

Be safe as you can be if you can’t get out of it.

Remember you don’t deserve this.