the most honest i’ve ever been...
i’m gonna go on a rant. it’s going to be part story and part endless run-on sentences and thoughts, but it will all be true.
i’m a scumbag. i’ve spent the past 27 years of my life taking amazing things, people, opportunities and moments and tarnishing them or devaluing them. i am no good news at all. i spent a lot of my youth abandoned by my mother. she used to meet a new man and run off on my father. it happened about 4-5 times between the ages of 2-13. every few years or so she’d find a new man, run away with him for sometimes months at a time and then come back and beg my father for forgiveness. i spent a lot of my youth resenting my mother for leaving and my father for taking her back... but that’s the beauty of the man my father is. he forgives, he let’s go and moves on with life. i grew up with one amazing lesson in life and one awful. Forgive and Move on... bail and find comfort in others.
my entire teen years i spent in emotional distress. i hit high school and became enamired with a girl named Lauren, i thought she was the end all be all for me. i fell head over heels for this girl so quickly and it was because she was so much like my mother. she bailed when things got tough and found comfort in other guys attention. i craved her love and attention like no other. i won’t get into all the girls i’ve dated but needless to say i spent a lot of my youth bouncing from girl to girl because i didn’t value myself, i measured my value based on what i meant to others, more specifically women. i still to this day, find myself in happy relationships that turn sour for reasons i can’t quite begin to get. i get bored, for no reason. i feel like when i get too much attention it pushes me away because i feel smothered. i seek the attention and approval of other girls and i can’t for the life of me begin to delve into the dumb reasons and countless times i’ve been an asshole, dishonest, disloyal, and a general bad person.
you see, morals don’t make a lot of sense to me. i get dissolved by feeling like my only value rests within the attention and care of others but when i do something wrong i get compared to the morals of others. i don’t know what is right, i was never raised properly as a youth to fully comprehend the importance of being a nice person and finding love in myself... because i don’t love myself. i genuinely can’t stand myself. i never have. i write constantly about the pain of others, about situations that have come and gone. i find myself desiring people i’ve already been involved with because they desired me once before and i find myself desiring people who will never want me... and why? no reason. just to feel something different then the normality of life.
i have ruined countless relationships, friendships and more... and there’s a chance i probably will again in the future and i can’t expect anyone to stick around with someone like me and i don’t think it’s fair to hold someone back from experiencing their lives with a decent person. i have come a long way since my youth and have a terribly long way to go still...
but there are few things that are more true than this...
i hate who i am. i hate that i recognize these issues and do nothing about them. i can’t for the life of me figure out where to go from here aside from reverting back into my shell.
i forgive others hatred for me because it’s deserved...
... but i run to the affection of others.
i’m my fathers son and my mothers abandoned baby boy and i haven’t grown up yet.
jbbartram-illu
turnnoffyourmind
tangentwithtanner
izzy806
ellievsbear
annaxmalina
romaincrisis
