Writings from a ghost girl

I've felt, for a long time now, like a ghost in my own life. I suppose I'm going to try and chronicle that a little?

[ghostofagirl21]

Weird and rambling introduction:

I've had a Tumblr for a long time, since I was perhaps 11 or 12, but I've never had one where I personally made posts. I'm very bad with consistency, especially once the novelty wears off, but I think having some sort of outlet would be nice.

It says in my bio but I have, for a long time, felt like a ghost in my own life. More morbidly, a ghost piloting my own corpse without clearly recalling how it all works.

I'm chronically ill and neurodivergent and my body feels like it isn't truly under my command, it has a mind of its own and I'm just doing my best to steer it. I'm not doing a very good job at it at that, hence the ghostly sensations. Nothing I try sticks, nothing I do changes anything, everything is so out of reach.

One thing I do do well, even if it doesn't make me feel less like a ghost, is I think a lot. I am always overflowing with words, so I thought perhaps writing them down here might help.

So yes, that's the purpose of this blog. If you want to follow along, I'd be honoured.

[greengableslover]

'The archways seem like the silhouette of a woman. Yes, that was the idea. With a bonnet and a greatcoat. What is curious, is the shape of the grave of the mother is the shape of the mother in the corridor and the shape of the mother in the corridor is the shape of the corridor in crimson and the shape of the keyhole, that Lucille looks through. It's not that I ascribe any meaning to that, but i love the idea of doing those visual echoes and it absolutely looks like a woman with a bonnet.' - Tom Hiddleston and Guillermo del Toro discuss 'the gothic corridor' Crimson Peak Extras | I remember Crimson Peak

CRIMSON PEAK (2015) dir. Guillermo del Toro

[im-staying-calm-this-time]

Chronic illness sucks because you’ll catch yourself thinking shit like ‘I wish it was possible to bathe regularly’ or ‘they should invent a digestive system that doesn’t hurt’ and then realise… that’s actually the case for most people. That’s the norm. Not only do most people have that, they don’t even think about it

[human-not-mental]

ADHD is not “avoiding things because they are boring”, it is feeling almost physical pain that prevents you from doing things you need to do.

[storybookprincess]

so back when my little brother was in high school, my mom went as a chaperone for their senior year field trip to an amusement park. which, you know, brave move to volunteer to supervise a bunch of high school seniors let loose in a wonderland of rollercoasters and sugar

my brother and his friends in this field trip group were truly great kids. but they were not above run of the mill teenage boy shenanigans. it’s the end of senior year, you and all your buddies are at the amusement park, you’re naturally going to want to act like a complete moron

there was one kid in the group who was especially prone to goofing around. committed to the bit, some may say. my mom knew that if nonsense was going to break out, he’d likely be at the center of it

so she goes up to this kid at the very start of the trip and says “hey, i’m kinda worried about this chaperoning thing. this might be a lot to ask, but can you help me keep an eye on everyone? you wouldn’t have to do anything big, just be an extra set of eyes for me.”

friends, this kid proceeded to run their field trip group like the fucking us marines. everyone is at the meet up spots at the designated time. everyone waits in line for the rides like a bunch of boy scouts. the second the horseplay gets too out of hand, this kid is getting it back under control

it’s incredible how differently people act based on the expectations you set. instead of going to this kid and saying “hey, i know you’re trouble, so i’ve got my eye on you,” my mom went “hey, i know you have influence in your peer group, so i think you can help me.”

treat someone like a problem, they’ll act like a problem. but give people a chance to help, make them feel important, and they usually rise far above the occasion. it was a stroke of genius that i’m honestly still in awe of

[ghostofagirl21]

I'm so immeasurably exhausted and I don't understand why everything takes me so long. Studying in particular, but everything seems to take me longer than anyone else.

I suppose it can be, in part, put down to brain fog. Learning is like mentally wading through a swampy march that is thick with underwater plants tangling round my legs and lined with mud that my feet sink into upon every step.

Another facet is likely my family and my duties to them and their inability to listen to me about the things that would help me.

A third portion of it is probably that I am sick in other ways, and those illnesses also take up large wads of my time, gripped tight in their greedy hands.

Other people manage it though, studying and doing a degree to successful completion despite these sorts of hurdles, and I don't know how. I've been doing my best to study all year and it's six weeks until my first exam and somehow I still know nothing, or close to nothing.

I'm so tired right now and so sick of being sick and slow and incapable.

Always try to end these on either a positive note or an interesting one so: the first two vertebrae in your vertebral column (the bones in your spine) are called atlas and axis. Atlas is named after the titan in greek mythology who was condemned by Zeus to hold up the celestial heavens for eternity, and our atlas holds up our heads. Atlas and axis together are responsible for our ability to nod our heads and to turn them side to side.

[viejito-at-heart]

everyone tells me that ADHD isn't an excuse for being lazy and that there are people with ADHD who have overcome their symptoms and are successful but every day I drag around an invisible dopplegänger of myself who is horrible and listless and always complains. and he is so heavy. I'm ambitious and I'm passionate but he isn't and the problem is that to get anywhere in life I have to grab him by the leg and pull him along the whole way, kicking and screaming, and sometimes it gets exhausting. sometimes he pulls me down with him. and it gets a bit difficult to explain to people why I'm lying down on the floor in pain when they can't see him.

[gutsygumshoe-blog1]

this is in my history book about prohibition in the 1920s and i’m laughing so hard oh my gooooood

[xanaxfarts]

bouquets behind foggy glass is a photo style i will never get tired of

[jennyggggrrr]

Old gold

[ivytea]

requiem for vanished birdsong

[nightingem]

really incredible website just dropped where you larp being an ai and respond to people's "prompts."

Be an AI, answer prompts, trigger a RAM crisis

some fun responses i have gotten so far.

[weeklink]

*sniff* thw world is so beauthiful………

[anonymoustigress]

This is amazing

[jordanbolton]

To The People I Pass On The Train At Night - Jordan Bolton

Subscribe to my Patreon to get early access to new comics alongside much more!

[ghostofagirl21]

Ah good. No sleep. The perfect final ingredient to the brewing hysteria I've been keeping under wraps.

Fun fact: horseshoe crabs have blood that relies on copper as opposed to iron and it is blue.

[ghostofagirl21]

Everything is so loud and I am so tired and it's never going to stop and how do you not panic about that? That's panic inducing information right there. Good lord.

I wish it was quiet and my brain functioned in a way that was conducive to existing.

An attempt to end this post pleasantly: giant squids have both arms and tentacles and I think that is neat.

[depsidase]

[ghostofagirl21]

I just spent a few days down the country with my person and anytime I see them it reminds me how.. lovely it is to be with someone who truly cares about me and listens to what I need, and also lets me know what they need (even though I know it is a little hard for them to do that). It's so much less stressful.

I don't understand why people waste so much energy on pretending to listen, pretending to care when they must know they're then going to disregard any little bits of information that do make their way through and continue on as they have been. I suppose I ask them to listen and they often don't really want to so I'm asking too much from the jump.

I just.. spend all my time feeling like I am so difficult and my needs are so selfish and over the top and difficult to accommodate while also struggling to make things work..and then I spend time with someone who listens and works with me to make sure I, and they, are comfortable and happy and it's like.. oh, so it isn't actually that insanely hard?

They go above and beyond for me as well because they're a wonderfully kind individual. I don't need everyone to make as much effort (tho I am constantly so appreciative that they do), it would just be nice if the things I ask for weren't treated as stupid, selfish, or just too hard to accommodate.

I've decided I like ending these posts with something positive so:

I hope anyone that reads this has at least one person who makes the effort to listen and work with them to make their time together comfortable and happy and that it is as much of a delight to return the favour as I find it to be.

Oh and additionally, I had a truly wonderful few days away, real life complaints aside. Museums are amazing, especially if you get to enjoy them with someone you love.