Steve hadn’t been sure what to expect when he finally let Bucky in, finally told him what’s going on in his head. Fear, confusion, uncertainty, but this is… different, he’s not sure how to describe it. The way Bucky jumps to correct him without even a second thought, the tone of his voice, the way he’s holding himself. He can’t quite put a finger on how to describe it - all he knows is it hurts hearing Bucky talk this way, clearly frustrated by this, by the position they’re in, by Steve and the way he’s reacted. As if he can help it. He can still hear Jason’s words ringing in his ear, he can see the fear on Bruce’s face when he came to see his son, he knows - he knows he messed up here. Steve knows that.
And the worst part is, Bucky’s not even wrong - Hydra are terrible, they’ve been causing pain and chaos for so many years now, and Schmidt is undeniably crazy and they all know it. But that doesn’t change the fact that Steve is the target - Cap is the target, and he should’ve done better. He should’ve done something. And a young boy got hurt because he didn’t.
“Bucky, you can keep saying that but it doesn’t change how I feel. You think I don’t know all of this is because Hydra’s insane? I get that - trust me, I get all of it. They’re twisted and they’re awful and somehow they feed off this kinda thing.” Steve sighs, suddenly drained now that he’s admitted it. He didn’t want to argue about this - about how he feels, about the situation everyone is in now. About the fact he needs to do what a team would’ve done five years ago, except now he needs to do it alone. “None of that changes the fact that I feel responsible for this. Nothing is going to change that. This is my job - this is why I was made. To stop Hydra. And I couldn’t even do that - I couldn’t do it right back in the war, I couldn’t do it right in DC, and I’m still not doing it right now. This is what they made Cap for, and I’m still…” He’s still not good enough.
So many people have said it to him over the years. Steve can still hear them, the voices of doubt, of disapproval, everyone who made it clear that Captain America just wasn’t enough. Not ever. He could never get it right, no matter how hard he tried to. “It’s different.” Steve answers Bucky, his voice soft, and he’s itching to move, dying to pace or read or work on files or something other than sit here and argue about this. “You didn’t get a choice, all you could do is what they made you do. Everything I’ve done, every move I’ve made has been my own choice, I need to pay the consequences for those.” There’s such a distinct difference and Steve doesn’t know how Bucky still doesn’t see it, even after all of these of trying to show it to him.
“So - what am I supposed to do, just pretend I’m not responsible for any of this? Bucky - that’s not me. That’s not me and you know it. And I’m not going to stop - I can’t stop, I can’t let them have that, but that doesn’t change how I feel, Bucky. That doesn’t change the fact that I feel responsible. How can I not? Bucky, what kinda person would that make me, if things like this kept happening and I didn’t take responsibility any of it?” He pushes himself up a bit - not enough to move off the window seat but enough to shift and face Bucky. He’s not entirely sure he’s ready to look Bucky’s anger in the eye like this, but… he needs Bucky to understand. He needs someone to understand. “Listen - just listen, hey. I’m not saying that. I would never say that about this, about us. Our life - this apartment, Libby and Dugan, our marriage, I’m not saying any of that is any less than it is - because this, you are my whole life. I just…” He sighs, dropping his gaze from Bucky’s not sure where to go next. “I don’t want to lose it. We waited so long for this, we both went through so much and somehow we still found our way here. I don’t want to lose that just because I’m a living target.”
Bucky bites his lip as Steve looks up at him, his cheeks flooding with heat born of shame. He doesn’t know why it’s so hard for him to be comforting and...and soft, but like virtually every other positive attribute, Steve is much better at this than he is. If their situations were reversed, Steve would know what to say. Bucky lets his frustration at his own ineptitude get in the way, and color his words -- now Steve thinks he’s mad at him, when he isn’t. “I’m sorry,” he says softly. “I know you know all that, and I know this is really how you feel. I know you can’t help it. I don’t mean to get angry, I just...”
He reaches for Steve’s hand, lacing their fingers together. “I don’t wanna lose you,” he says. “I don’t wanna lose us. And maybe that’s selfish as hell of me to think of that, but it’s the truth. I love you so much. And I don’t know what else to say. I don’t know how to make you see that just because you feel responsible, doesn’t mean you are.” He pauses, looking down at Steve’s fingers, the beautiful artist’s fingers that have always completely entranced him. “There are a whole hell of a lot of differences between you and Hydra, between people like you and people like Schmidt -- namely that there aren’t many people like you, and there are countless people like her. But they also wouldn’t care how many people they hurt. They wouldn’t feel responsible for anything -- even though they are, and they’re the only ones who are.”
He bites his lip again, nibbling as he tries to think of what to say. “You have to know I understand. I know what it’s like to blame yourself and torture yourself over what you could have done, what you should have done. I get that, Stevie, I do, and that’s what...that’s what upsets me so much about this, because I don’t want you to feel like that. You’re the last person in the world who deserves to feel this way.” He wants to reach for Steve again and pull him back into his arms, but he’s afraid Steve is gonna pull away.
He sighs softly. “Your choice? The only choice you’ve made is to do the right thing, to protect people. And that’s the only choice you could have made -- because that’s what you do. You do the right thing, the selfless thing, no matter how hard it is for you. And I know you think this is your fault, but the only thing you did was try to keep people safe. You sacrifice so much to be Captain America, and sometimes that includes not being able to keep everybody safe. I know that’s hard for you. I know it’s something you can’t just ignore. But, please, listen to me, okay? You deserve this. You deserve to have a life like this.”
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