attempts

(at poetry, prose, and personality)

[ghostsskin]

what the hell

weird as fuck that I’m back on here. I haven’t come on this site in so long. it’s still funny as fuck, though. I realize that a lot of my stupid factoids and quirks came from this site, and it’s the kind of spice I’m looking for to spruce up my quarantine.

I’m on a break from my relationship. I read through some of the other “diary” posts on here - weird to think that I’ve had more than one significant “romantic” encounter. it always feels kind of embarrassing when I think about it, being involved with “like” and “love” and whatever the fuck else. it’s humiliating to realize the type of person it turns me into.

I’m wondering if I’m dependent on my partner. when it comes to relationships, I love sharing everything. I don’t want there to be secrets - I want it to feel like we’ve known each other forever, even though I’ve only known him for a year and a half now. I’m wondering if this is too much. I think it might be.

am I doomed to be dissatisfied? he hides his feelings from me. he hides other things from me, little things usually. or things he thinks will upset me. he thinks anything will upset me. I guess it’s gotten to the point that a lot of things upset me, and I think he’s scared of me. 

I’m trying to apply to a remote job. I hope I get it. writing this will help me write a cover letter.

[ghostsskin]

i want to disappear but please keep watching me i want you so badly to tell me to stay imagine what would happen if i was just gone one day would you look for me daily? would you finally pray?

i want to disappear but please ask me not to put me under pressure i’m already under your thumb i’d do anything to make myself not feel so numb i want what we had, no scars and no scum

i want to disappear but you wouldn’t come with me i want to disappear but you wouldn’t come with me

and i want to disappear but you shouldn’t come with me

[ghostsskin]

i should have known i should have known the signs were there but my hair had grown and my skin was clear and the sky was cloudless but now i know that the cries are countless

i should have seen the road ahead hours of flights not streets instead the beginning is always so beautiful but weather keeps weathering and weathering all

[ghostsskin]

i'm writing again and i want to pretend that my mind is still as spry as it was when i first started. people used to cry to my poems. i used to cry at all. art is not suffering and suffering is not art but art requires feeling i think and i think i am either thinking too much or not enough. i am barely feeling at all. i'm trying again and i want to get better even though i fucking hate the pressure that pushes me into myself instead of pulling my "potential" out. if i have potential at all.

[ghostsskin]

i melted into the couch today and left myself between the cushions a five hour nap to the tv lull with the newspaper making my nest. my cheek was stuck to the arm of the couch - it was warm and i felt safer than i have in a while.

[ghostsskin]

there's so much good in my blood but it's the little bad that escapes

[ghostsskin]

how far are feelings from actions and how far are we from each other anymore we were never really close because you rarely ever tried but blood is a bond that can’t biologically be broken i will always have your boiling blood your temper not your temperament but our skins vary in thickness and you like to punch walls and hard things because you like your knuckles tough yet you’ve taken so many blows that i can’t figure out whether or not you actually know that there’s weight behind them there’s wait behind them and there’s a gait behind them but there’s a gate beyond them

[ghostsskin]

there’s a lot to love and only little to give so i’m fragmented in saying that i have anything to live (for)

[ghostsskin]

it’s ok - you’ve fingered the loose thread and now you’re curious you’re tugging at it now but you’re still careful that nothing tears quite yet but you’re wondering what you’ll do will you leave the sleeve tattered or will you pull another needle through? cloth’s not that durable it’s soft but sometimes damage isn’t curable so you’re careful and you’re careful and you’re still playing with the string that’s coming from the remnants of your latest summer fling

[ghostsskin]

when we skateboard down the street the gravel makes my feet feel numb through my shoes it’s really bumpy i would take off my shoes, but i have to wear them or else i would look too wild like a lost dog or a stray cat and i’m no longer looking to be picked up or cared for i can push off on my own

[ghostsskin]

everything’s in knots - my shoulders and my lower back - i want to try acupuncture. it’s new to me and i’m not i’ve never felt so old. things are stagnant now i still have one crooked tooth but everything else is ok. it has been that way lately. i think it is ok but there’s the tooth and the knots there’s the truth and the naught

[ghostsskin]

the wind comes, the door creaks - i think it’s you.

lately it’s been gray outside and someone cut the ferns, but i don’t know who. i don’t go outside much anymore. they used to belong to you.

we shuttered up the windows you’d be scared of the thunder we’d let you in. my dad says it’s you.

[ghostsskin]

a rush - this is what i wanted a feeling of getting somewhere, going further being better and your voices become a whistle the pain becomes a thistle nothing hurts nothing bothers if i’m too far to catch too fast to chase

if nothing’s kept nothing’s waste

[ghostsskin]

i am beating myself up just to impress you wearing the purple and blue like a trophy-shaped bruise and i say it’s not competition - i’m not jealous i’m ok - yet all it is is repetition repetition of misguided, selfish ambition

[ghostsskin]

when is my renaissance where is my bridge i will build it brick by brick - too heavy for suspension but i want to be suspended forever

[ghostsskin]

i haven’t built a fortress of flowers, just a fortress of gray a place of solace and indifference in the face of sheer dissonance and the walls here are cleared they are calm they are closed there are robust - neither inviting nor insensitive i have learned to be here i have learned to be quiet i have learned to sit in the center floor and deny internal riot and the town will scream at me the villagers will come their torches will be brandished but i have an unloaded gun the bullets are in the back the ammunition is hidden my impulsive arson is over yet the smoke still remains - and the burns that are left will only last for some days but i’m a threat i’m a fire i’m a threat and it’s dire

[ghostsskin]

this is not the home i asked for - it has destroyed itself, pore by pore, ruminating in the fire that has burned through the hearth and the nurture i give it is only a farce because nature has twisted its roots into the heart the front door is torn from its hinges and its framework is falling to pieces -  this is not the home i was built for