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Nate Robinson Announces Plans To Be A Football

As his NBA career begins winding down, 5′9″ guard Nate Robinson has now begun to explore his options for the future. The 31-year-old announced this week that he intends to switch sports and be a football.  

Pictured: Nate Robinson

Robinson played football at the University of Washington but began to focus solely on basketball when he was a sophomore. Prior to the switch, he recorded two interceptions as a freshman cornerback for the Huskies in 2002. Now, he hopes he will be the one being intercepted by teams this fall.

Rick Neuheisel, Robinson's coach from Washington, said , "In my mind, I've seen one athlete small enough to do this, and that's Nate Robinson. He’s so little!"

For reference, a regulation football is 28–29 inches in circumference, and 21.5–21.9 inches, and is inflated to a pressure of 9.0–11.0 pounds per square inch. At regulation size, Robinson is 69 inches in length and weighs 180 pounds. 

Pictured: A Football

Whatever Robinson has lacked in size over the years, he's made up for with explosiveness, grit, and hang time; despite his size, he’s won the NBA Slam Dunk Contest three times. He’ll need all of these qualities to be able to be punted, passed, and kicked through the air as a football.

“I haven’t played (football) in 11 years, 12 years, but I know how to (be) tackle(d as a football in a player’s arms). I know how to (be) play(ed with), I know how to hit (the uprights of a goal post, or a kicker’s foot), I know how to (become a) catch (by a receiver), I can get (caught as) picks (by a defensive player), I can get deflections (by various players hands), I know all techniques (of how to be more ball-like),” said Robinson. “I know it (b)all. What are all those extra notes you’re making in your notepad right now?”

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Kobe Bryant’s Farewell Tour Also Doubling As Anthony Brown’s Farewell Tour

Since announcing his plans to retire at the end of the 2015-16 NBA season, Los Angeles Lakers legend Kobe Bryant has received a showering of appreciation at each of the team’s remaining road games from fans and rivals alike. 

Meanwhile, Lakers rookie Anthony Brown has failed to receive similar treatment on his own farewell tour with the franchise.

“Wait, what do you mean ‘farewell tour’? For me?” asked Brown following a Lakers practice this week. “Did someone say something?”

At a recent stop in San Antonio, a highlight reel of Bryant’s top moments against the hometown Spurs was played prior to the game. A similar compilation was shown in Cleveland prior to the team’s matchup with the Cavaliers and Bryant’s final game against LeBron James. 

Brown is averaging 3.8 points on .317 shooting this season. The 2015 second round pick has failed to play in five of the team’s last six games as his future with the franchise appears in doubt entering the second half of the season.

“For real, what have you heard?” Brown continued. “No, Byron hasn’t said anything to me. He’s kind of an asshole, actually. No, don’t print that. Come on, man, I’m serious.”

The farewell tour continues this weekend at the NBA All Star Game, where Bryant was voted in as a starter by the fans. Brown was not able to secure a ticket to the event.

“Actually, I was going to try to do something for Valentine’s Day, but now you got me all fucked up. I guess I’ll call my agent. No, my rental agent. I gotta see if I can break my lease.”

The 65th NBA All-Star Game airs Sunday February 14th at 8PM ET on TNT.

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Kings Strongly Considering Hiring George Karl

Following the Sacramento Kings’ blowout loss to the Brooklyn Nets Friday night, their sixth in seven games, owner Vivek Ranadive and general manager Vlade Divac are strongly considering hiring coach George Karl to turn the team around heading into the second half of the season. Karl is already the head coach of the team.

“An overreaction to the loss” was how one inside source described the organization’s response.

“The situation in Sacramento is not good by any means. Desperate times call for desperate measures. But George is already the head coach. So, like, what are they going to do? Hire him again? Or, like, fire him and then hire him? Like, right?”

The revolving door of Kings coaches has contributed to the franchise’s instability. Karl, one of the most successful coaches in NBA history, was hired in mid-February a year ago to help turn around the team’s fortunes. This move seems to have been forgotten by the Kings front office just one year later. 

Kings star DeMarcus Cousins indicated that the team’s struggles have been a result of more than the parts on the floor.

"I'm not going to keep blaming these guys in the locker room," Cousins told reporters. "George Karl is already our coach. What are we going to do? Hire him again? Or, like, fire him and then hire him? I feel like I already talked to somebody about this."

According to an inside source, it is also widely-held believed throughout the organization that owner Ranadive has progressively lost the support and belief of the multiple minority owners involved in the franchise.

“It has been one thing after another since he bought the team,” said the source. “And now he wants to somehow hire the current coach to replace the current coach, or something? I don’t even know what that means. Is he going to fire him and then re-hire him? No, I’m asking you, for real. I was actually asking the first time.”

The Kings enter the weekend with a record of 21-29, good for tenth place in the Western Conference.

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DeMarcus Cousins Is Playing ‘Like’ A Winner

Through January 29, Sacramento Kings center DeMarcus Cousins is averaging a career-high 27.2 points (third in the NBA) to go with 11.2 rebounds (4th in the NBA), 2.9 assists, 1.4 blocks, and 1.3 steals. Thanks to his efforts, the Kings are still six games under .500 with a record of 20-26 overall, good for 10th place in the Western Conference.

Cousins’ signature game so far this All-Star season was his 56-point, 12-rebound explosion on January 25th in a double-overtime loss to the Charlotte Hornets that brought the Kings’ record to 20-24. They have gone 0-2 since his signature performance.

That’s right; Cousins is an All Star.

After missing being voted as an All Star starter, the fifth-year center was chosen as a reserve to represent the Western Conference. He is one of four players from sub-.500 teams to be chosen this year.

Although Cousins is garnering recognition for his skills, he still has managed to find a way to play with a chip on his shoulder to maintain a competitive edge. On not being voted into the All Star Game by fans, he said “You can’t base it off of who is on TNT and ESPN every night. Of course, it’s going to be most winning/popular players. The other guys that play just as good basketball, will never be seen."

Again, the Kings are in 10th place in their conference and have the ninth worst record in the NBA. As of the publishing of this story, they are losing by 20 in the first half to the Memphis Grizzlies.

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Lakers To Build Shaquille O'Neal Statue In Miami

The Los Angeles Lakers will honor Shaquille O'Neal with a statue of the former star outside of Staples Center during the 16-17 season. Far outside of Staples Center. In Miami, Florida, where they traded the legendary big man in 2004 after leading the team to three NBA championships in four Finals appearances.

"We look forward to having Shaq join the other legends who have been honored after being disowned by the franchise," said Jeanie Buss, Lakers president and co-owner after crossing her father Jerry and brother Jim in 2013. “The Los Angeles Lakers have a proud history of not valuing loyalty with players after they’ve helped the franchise win multiple championships. Remember when we traded Lamar Odom without warning him and started his downward spiral that ultimately led to his near-fatal overdose in a Nevada whore house? That’s Showtime, baby.”

O'Neal played eight seasons for the Lakers (1996-2004), teaming with and ultimately being betrayed by Kobe Bryant to win titles in 2000, 2001 and 2002.

His statue will join other Laker legends banished to Miami: Pat Riley, Pau Gasol probably this postseason, and D’Angelo Russell this summer.

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Russell Westbrook Now Treating Interviews In Similar Style As Don Rickles

Apparently tired of speaking with a critical media horde questioning his every move on the basketball court, Oklahoma City guard Russell Westbrook has recently adopted a similar interview style to insult comedian Don Rickles.

Pictured: Two generations of insult comedy.

Rickles has been delighting audiences with humorous remarks insulting the gender, race, sexual orientation, or physical appearance of innocent bystanders since 1948. Now 88, the aging comic has long been searching for the voice of a new generation of bad manners. Enter Russell Westbrook.

Westbrook has always had a contentious relationship with the media, but he started taking to the same flippant style as the aforementioned funny man after a recent win over the Golden State Warriors, famously telling a reporter that he didn't like him, unprovoked. Westbrook continued his new brand of comedy during an awkward sit-down interview with an Orlando Magic beat reporter after Sunday's blowout win over the Magic.

REPORTER: Thank you for taking the time to speak with me today.

WESTBROOK: You have 15 minutes, dummy. Try not to hurt yourself. 

REPORTER: Wow, Russell. That was incredibly rude.

WESTBROOK: "Russell"? It's "Mr. Westbrook" to you. And who's that idiot with the camera? 

REPORTER: That's Carl Iri, our Japanese-American photographer.

WESTBROOK: Okay — but what's he got in that case, photos of direct hits on Pearl Harbor? Tell him to kiss my Kobayashi and go back to Japan. 

REPORTER: That's really offensive--

WESTBROOK: Hey, did anyone ever tell you that you have a finely turned pair of ankles? Like a woman would have, you queen?

REPORTER: I don't know how to react to that. 

WESTBROOK: Look, this is the new, Rickles-out me. Love it or leave it.

REPORTER: If we'd known you were going to be like this, we wouldn't have agreed to the interview.

WESTBROOK: If your girlfriend knew you were to be like that, she wouldn't have given up her job as a prostitute, ya hockey puck.

REPORTER: Okay, well, if you'd like to get personal, now that we've caught your "act," we've heard funnier material at the morgue.

WESTBROOK: ... Fuck you.

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I want a hamburger. No a cheeseburger. I want a hot dog. I want a milkshake. I want potato chips...

Pelican's GM Dell Demps as Memphis and Boston begin to regret involving them in their now finalized Jeff Green trade.

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Phil Jackson Takes Blame For Knicks' Struggles

Entering the weekend with a record of 5-35, the New York Knicks own the worst record in the NBA. The team had hoped to make the playoffs this season, but instead find themselves at the very bottom of the NBA. First-year team president Phil Jackson has taken responsibility for the disappointing first half of the season and vows to personally turn around the team's fortunes.

"This is a mea culpa. I take responsibility for it. That's why I have literally put myself front-and-center and am now starting for this terrible ball club." Jackson said. 

After a frustrating three months filled with injuries and the growing pains typical of a team implementing a new offense with a first-year head coach, the Knicks find themselves currently on a franchise-high 15-game losing streak. Desperate times call for desperate measures. Enter Phil.

Jackson hopes to make a difference for a New York team that has lost 25 of their last 26 games. Said Jackson of his ceremonious return to the court, "There was something going on there that didn't click toward making winning necessary or a possibility for us. At a certain point, you need someone who can take control and make a change. Although I am a 'zen master' off the court, I am a 'den master' on the court. I plan to make Madison Square Garden my den. I will also make all of the other arenas my den, I guess. Poor choice of words."

Though he hasn't played in nearly 35 years, Jackson is still a formidable 6'8" 230 lbs. and should provide the Knicks with some much-needed interior defense, rebounding, and leadership on the floor. With Carmelo Anthony still out indefinitely due to injury, the 69-year-old immediately becomes the team's best overall player entering the second half of the season.

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Magic Johnson Hopes Lakers Lose Enough To Keep Pick And Somehow Give It To Dodgers

Magic Johnson hopes the Los Angeles Lakers will lose enough games to keep their first round pick in the 2015 NBA Draft. From there, his expectation is that the team will then gift the pick to the Los Angeles Dodgers, of whom Johnson is a majority owner.

The pick will go to the Phoenix Suns if it falls out of the top-5 as part of the Steve Nash trade. Under no circumstances can it go to the Dodgers, who don't even play the sport, let alone in the same league, as the Lakers.

"If you're going to lose, you have to lose because you can't be in the middle of the pack," Johnson said. "You either have to be great or you have to be bad to get a good pick. The Dodgers are very close to being great. The Lakers are bad. So if the Lakers can keep losing, this is great for the Dodgers."

The Dodgers had a successful 2014, winning 94 games and making the postseason for the second year in a row. Johnson hopes a high draft pick from the Lakers will help the team go even further in 2015. Lakers part-owner and executive vice president of basketball operations Jim Buss is not as optimistic.

"I have no idea what Magic is talking about," said Buss. "I don't think that's allowed."

Still, Johnson believes the Lakers are in a position to quickly improve their roster.

"'Their' meaning 'the Dodgers," Johnson explained. "The Lakers are in a good space, too, next summer if they can sign or trade for a talented guy. That's someone else who might be able to help us. I'm talking about the Dodgers still."

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NBA Considering TV Wheel System To Eliminate Draft Lottery

The NBA is considering a proposal to eliminate the current model of the draft lottery in favor of “The TV Wheel,” a sketch comedy show created by and starring former Mystery Science Theater 3000 creator and host Joel Hodgson.

“The TV Wheel” is an actual wheel that would allow each to be positioned at a centrally-locked spot as scenes would come into view. The wheel would stop and a sketch would play out to the team. At the end of the sketch, the wheel would rotate, carrying one scene out of the team's view and bringing another in. At the end of each episode, each team would be guaranteed one top-six pick every five seasons and at least one top-12 pick in every four-year span.

Some scenes in the TV Wheel are self-contained within the actual wheel, while others are open to the studio beyond the platform (and additional action would take place in the background). The system is designed to protect against teams attempting to tank for a higher draft pick under the current lottery system.

A number of comedians and writers who appeared on the original "TV Wheel" are due to make an appearance, including David Cross, Paul Feig, and Doug Benson. Comedian Andy Kindler, who also appeared on the original program, has not been asked to return.

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Celebs Pay Their Respects As Korver Sets New Three-Point Mark

Atlanta Hawks swingman Kyle Korver set an NBA record this week, making a 3-pointer in 90 consecutive games and breaking a mark Dana Barros had held since January 1996.

“It feels good,” Korver said. “I’m proud of it for sure.”

So is everyone else, it seems. The outpouring of congratulations for Korver has been overwhelming as celebrities have taken to Twitter to show their appreciation for the guard’s feat.

Most of Korver’s NBA contemporaries were celebratory in their congratulations.

LeBron James (@KingJames) tweeted “Congrats to Kyle Kolver on breaking Dana Barros consecutive game with a 3! 90 straight games. That's a cannon! #Congrats #TriggerFinger”

Korver’s teammate, Paul Millsap (@Paulmillsap4), tweeted “S/O my man @KyleKorver for an amazing accomplishment! Glad I can be apart of it. Go hawks! #keepitgoing”

Other celebrity sentiments were more serious in tone, however.

Said actress Soleil Moon Frye (@moonfrye), “It always seems impossible until its done.”

CNN's Larry King (@kingsthings) called Korver “a fascinating man.”

The most touching of all congratulations, though, came from Arnold Schwarzenegger. The actor/politician issued the following official statement honoring Korver’s achievement:

I will never forget the time I spent with Kyle Korver. Even before I met him, he was one of my heroes.

He told me about his struggles, his time in Utah, his persecution and oppression. Most people would have had nothing in their heart but revenge, but all Kyle Korver had was forgiveness. He is the definition of serving a cause greater than self. He singlehandedly reunited his nation, because he had a vision of the future that should inspire all of us.

Kyle Korver's life is the closest thing we have to proof of God.

As of December 7, the Atlanta Hawks are 11-10, good for third place in the Eastern Conference.

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Heartbroken Cuban Weighs In On The Free Agent That Got Away

Speaking to a handful of reporters before Wednesday night’s game against the Oklahoma City Thunder, Dallas Mavericks owner Mark Cuban coyly weighed in on his failed courtship of Houston Rockets center Dwight Howard this summer.

“I can’t talk about anyone specifically,” said Cuban. “I’ll get fined. So anyone is an idiot if they consider being with me and don’t act on it.”

Cuban, who has been married to wife Tiffany Stewart since 2002, continued, “We always remember our first loves. We remember the person we lost our virginity to. And we remember the ones that got away most of all. You know who I’m talking about.”

As Cuban shot daggers at a FatHead of Dwight Howard hanging in the Dallas locker room for some reason, he explained:  “I don’t know if he understood, but that’s the reality. If you’re a free agent and you picked somebody else, you made an error in judgment. You messed up, baby. You’re runnin’ out on love.”

Having recently been cleared of insider-trading charges by the Securities and Exchange Commission, Cuban said he’s just happy to be back on the market and ready for action, even if momentarily.

“There’s things you don’t say, because you know what’s gonna happen. And there’s things there’s no reason to hold your tongue because you know exactly what’s going to happen and it makes it even more entertaining that the stupidest little things become headline porn. But make no mistake: I love Dwight Howard. And I’m not ready to give up on something real.”

The Mavericks entered Wednesday night’s game against the Oklahoma City Thunder with a record of 3-1.

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Greg Stiemsma Hopes To "Start A Lot Of Games," "Sleep With Lots Of Women" This Season

Newly-acquired center Greg Stiemsma has not received word about Pelicans coach Monty Williams' plan for him in New Orleans, but the big man wants to emerge as the starting center and play some major minutes for the Pelicans, both on and off the court.

“My goal this season is to be a starter, for sure,” said Stiemsma. “I want to start for the Pelicans, and I want to start procreating as soon as possible. I may not have much experience, but I know I’m ready. I can do this!”

Stiemsma has started just 22 games in two years in the NBA and slept with just two women in his nearly 28 years on this Earth. Still, the journeyman center/lover is confident he will earn serious minutes both on the court and in the bedroom this season.

“I’ve been working hard this summer to get my game to where it needs to be. I’ve put in a lot of work in the gym to improve. I’m in great shape, I’m handsome, I have a really good personality. Any woman would be lucky to be with me.”

The seven-footer spent the last two seasons in Boston and Minnesota, failing to get laid in either city.

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David Stern Reaches Deal To Install SportVU Cameras In Every Room In His House

David Stern and an outside tech consultant have reached an agreement to install high-tech data-tracking cameras in all 29 rooms of his luxury home in Scarsdale, New York, before the start of next season, according to several sources familiar with the situation.

Last season, fifteen NBA teams used STATS LLC’s SportVU cameras as they recorded every movement of every person on the court to be able to track the positioning of players in new ways. Now, the league’s commissioner will join them to collect data to monitor everyone who steps foot in his home.

Said Stern, “The NBA has always taken pride in being ahead of the curve, eclipsing other leagues, agencies, and corporations in enacting new technological initiatives. I’m happy to announce that I’ll be able to personally benefit to satisfy my own disgusting needs.”

The cameras cost about $100,000 per year, but Stern has spared no expense, installing multiple cameras in every room of his house, including all nine bathrooms: guest, master, or otherwise.

“I have a powder room, a power room, a crapper, a john, a water closet, a shitter, and a water shit power crap closet,” said the 70-year-old. “And they’re all now fully equipped with cameras exploiting every possible butt angle for my poo poo perversion.”

To date, no NBA teams have followed in the commissioner’s footsteps in using STATS LLC’s equipment to be morally reprehensible.

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Dwight Howard Promises To Be Clutch This Year, Literally

Houston Rockets center Dwight Howard hopes to help bring a championship to Houston by being clutch this season. Specifically, Clutch, the Rockets teddy bear mascot.

Howard rehearsed with Clutch earlier this week, bypassing scheduled practices with former Rockets center and Hall of Famer Hakeem Olajuwon and current Houston coach and Hall of Famer Kevin McHale.

Said Howard, “When you workout with a guy like Hakeem or Kevin, you take away certain things. You don’t try to do everything they can do. I could workout with Michael Jordan, but I’m not going to be able to shoot the fadeaway like Michael Jordan. I just want to do what I do on the court, whether it’s dunking or smashing dudes in the face with birthday cake and falling down a flight of stairs comedicly.”

Howard signed a four-year, $88 million contract with Houston this summer. The Rockets will pair the big man with All Star guard James Harden to make a legitimate run at an NBA championship in between Howard’s obligations as Clutch, which include bi-weekly visits to over forty-eight Houston area elementary schools, grocery stores, and geriatric centers, as well as spraying fans with silly string during Rockets home games.

Pictured: Dwight Howard

"It starts with me. I have to do what I can on both ends of the floor to dominate and that's what I'm working on now, is getting my timing, my speed, my strength and all of that stuff back so I can dominate all year. And when I’m not doing that, I’ll be playing for the Rockets, so it’s a win-win.”

The Rockets previously attempted to use 2012 first round draft pick and troubled forward Royce White as Clutch part-time last season, but White flat-out refused the assignment, telling the Rockets via Twitter that “I'm a humanist, I believe in humanity. I am an anxiety trooper. I’m not a teddy bear man in rollerblades.” Attempts to contact White for this story were met with emoji and reminders to #BeWell.

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Cuban Expects Nowitzki To Play Several More Seasons Or Else

Following a busy offseason that saw Dallas again almost completely turn over their roster save for long-time centerpiece Dirk Nowitzki, owner Mark Cuban has committed the Dallas Mavericks to being built around the future Hall of Famer as long as he is alive and breathing. Said Cuban, "Dirk's got a no-trade deal, so whether it's one year, three years, 20 years, it really doesn't matter. The length of the contract is more about how long longer Dirk expects to live than anything else." Now 35, the former regular season and Finals MVP only has the legs for a few more years in the NBA, but with current average life expectancy in the United States at 78, he could be the face of the franchise for much longer than that. "I don't see Dirk walking away from the game anytime soon. He doesn’t have a choice. Dirk is a high IQ player. He knows that if he doesn’t continue to play for the Dallas Mavericks, bad things will happen." Asked to elaborate, Cuban simply declared himself a “MFFL,” shorthand for “Mavs Fan For Life,” and stormed out. Nowitzki is expected to accept a pay cut with Dallas, possibly even play for free; anything to be allowed to retire from the team he’s spent his entire career with. Ironically, the move will actually give the Mavericks more cap room to continue to build around the aging big man until he dies. When reached for comment, Nowitzki only weakly murmured, "Save me..." before the line abruptly disconnected. Return calls went straight to voicemail.

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We're back! Never give up on your hoop dreams!