Saw your most recent post I’m glad you’re getting the help you need and are feeling better. Ik we didn’t necessarily leave off on bad terms and just kinda stopped talking but I’m gen happy to hear you’re getting the help you need. I’ve never been one to enjoy leaving things unsaid and the way we just stopped talking wasn’t really a way I like to leave any ending. Ik we were never the closest but I hope your journey through healing is as quick and painless as therapy can be lol. I did enjoy being your friend and even if we’ve grown apart I wish you the best and hope you succeed at whatever goals you set your mind to. Gl Jester <3
I've had a lot of messages from folks since I've been away, some nice like this some... Not as pleasant and I can understand why.
I just want to say a few things, first of all thank you I do appericate it.
Second I want to say I am sorry.
My actions and my behaviour for awhile have been disgusting and absolutely vile and I seriously sorry to the people who have had to deal with that side of me, that's all I can really say, I do not know how else to make it up to anyone, I don't know how to keep saying sorry.
I have lost my best friend, the person I truly adored and for the first few days I was angry, depressed and was also blaming everyone and everything else before slowly understanding what had happened was my own fault and I am sorry to them, I am really really sorry to them and I can't say it does not hurt they blocked me, I can't say I don't understand why they blocked me but I do and I am sorry.
I hope in time you can forgive me and I hope in time the rest of the people I also hurt and upset can also forgive me.
I've been doing better the past week being off social media, although my moods have been up and down the constant not looking at a screen and allowing myself to no longer rot has been a big help in starting to be aware of my behaviours and actions.
I can only keep saying I am sorry it's all I can do.
This will be my last post, I will be checking in on occasions to see if someone has requested my new tumblr link but I hope all of you live well.
And please, please if you ever feel like nothing matters in the world, do not drag your friends down with you, they can't do that for you and they care for you only so much, because once you have lost them that is it and you have no one else to blame but yourself.
I have a new blog, I don't want to use this one anymore as it has to many bad shit tied to it and I just want something new.
You can ask for it in my ask box but I'm only giving it to people I trust.
I'm not gonna be extremely active but I'm still gonna post my art and stuff.
First I'm not talking about what happened, all I really remember is I reached my limit after months of depression and illness and next thing I knew I was discussing new medication, new treatments and what other mental illness I have in a place that wasn't my home.
I was supposed to start going to into like a care home? But That seems to be null and void right now? I am only aware as of right now is I am being put into therapy.
I removed myself of a lot of social media, I've deleted a lot of old accounts and I was close to deleting this without a word but I guess its easier to archive it instead, theres art on here I dont wanna lose I'm ngl.
All I had asked was my friend to just confirm I was okay, I didn't expect them to rant like that??? I've only just seen the post
I haven't blocked anyone? I'm not sure where that came from, I had turned of anons and allowed only dms from those I follow. Same for my discord I unfriended a lot of people and put my dms to shared servers or friend list only. I had panicked on the day and was ready to purge myself from everywhere
My social media in take is being limited, I'm not allowed to stay in my room all day and stare at a screen until I sleep, I've been feeling... A lot better.
I lost a good friend, my behaviour was unacceptable and now I've lost someone I cared for deeply, I only ask if they somehow see this just know I am sorry, I am sorry it ended on terms like this and I'm sorry I was like I am. If in the future you'd like to try again I would like that... But I'm not going to pressure, I'm not going to chase up, I am going through the stages of grief but in the end it was my own actions that caused this. I hope one day you can forgive me or one day you forget I was ever apart of your life. I will cherish the moments I had with you though.
This blog will obviously stay open and I will check back occasionally if I'm being contacted here etc, but like I said if you want my new blog please send me an ask, as I'm only giving it to those I trust atm.
I have known Sai since they went to secondary school and I am very aware of what has been going on.
Sai is fine, I can not divulge information but there was an incident and the crisis team are now fully involved. Sai refused to go to the hospital as the last time they had gone to the hospital they had contacted their parents and things at home had become even more tense.
Some of you do not know Sai, some of you think Sai does this for attention but over the years Sai’s mental health has deteriorated so rapidly that sometimes they are even unaware of where they are at present, what day it is, what time it is and on rare occasions they do not even know what year it is.
Sai has been trying for a very, very long time to have things under control but in the past year things have declined so badly I don’t recognise my friend anymore at times.
Sai also does not understand most of the time when they are behaving like they are, they do not understand outwardly they are being a cold and harsh person because from what they have told me in their own mind they are either being polite or just setting boundaries, when they do not understand what they are saying is what most what considering mean, guilt tripping or abusive.
They have memory problems on top of other mental health issues, they have extreme paranoia due to years of mistreatment and bullying, they have no social skills and they have been sheltered and treated like a baby for their whole life.
When I knew Sai at school they were an amazing person, yes they had difficulties like most with autism do, but they were talented in drama, arts, writing, they wrote stories upon stories, they went into college and went into many amazing jobs and gained many skills.
And then when they turned around 18 they were placed into a supposed care system for young adults. I don’t know what went on in that house but all I knew was the friend I had once known had suddenly become shy, antisocial and began to develop other mental problems.
And then they started using the internet more and more, they just hyper focused on the internet, they cancelled plans, they put off appointments and slowly stopped wanting to even work because they just wanted to spend dawn till dusk online. Sai does not have the mental capability to be online for that amount of time, they do not understand that they were rotting their brain from the inside out.
Many of us have stayed at the side of Sai, just keeping our dms or phone lines open for them, as we don’t know what is happening to Sai but we don’t want to abandon them either, as frustrating as they are, and sometimes they are down right cruel but I need all of you to believe me this is not who Sai is.
They are going to get the help they need, they are going to be with people who can help them, but right now they do need friends and family because right now they are scared and feel alone and abandoned. They feel the weight of everything on them because they can not control this part of their brain that has just dominated their whole personality.
Sai might come back, they might not, they don’t really know yet. They just told me for now they want to spend some time away from social media, they don’t want to stare at a screen all day to the point they feel sick.
They gave me their login information just to confirm to people who are worried they are okay, Sai also did not ask me to write all this up. I wanted to write this on my own accord as I felt it was necessary because some of you seem to think Sai is doing this on purpose, when I can tell you they are not and they hate who they are, and they hate they’ve lost good friends because they were out of control and didn’t even know where they were or what was going on at the time.
I want to put this part under read more as I felt it was getting long.
But I saw the messages Sai was sent before they crashed and I want to say I am absolutely disgusted, you should be ashamed of yourselves.
Was Sai in the wrong for their behaviour? Oh yes they were and we already talked about it.
But you who messaged them, you who has NO idea what’s going on with them offline had the audacity to speak to my friend as you did? How dare you treat and speak to my friend like that, I do not care how old Sai is. Sai may be older but that does not stop a mental illness from deteriorating their brain!
Sai’s entire family on either side has family members with dementia, They have shown the same symptoms and signs as Sai did at the same age and within a few years they just became a shell of someone they used to be.
I understand you are angry and I understand you are upset, I even understand blocking them. But how dare you speak to them like that, how dare you treat them like this is an issue they can just control.
Sai was flustered and upset when they were trying to contact people to apologise, they didn’t understand at the time what was happening as far as they were aware the situation had been dealt with, so yes they put one person over the other because they were desperate and hurt and did not want to leave things on sour terms.
But how dare you treat Sai like it’s a privilege that you would DARE grace your presence to Sai in forgiving them and speaking as if they should kiss the ground beneath your feet because you allowed this cruel and horrible person to be forgiven for there. Let me check my notes here.
Being moody and snappy? Being agitated at minor things? Being annoyed that you would ignore them and then make fun of things they had worked on?
And you wonder why they were feeling distant and upset?
And absolutely bonkers to me that you can use your “system” to bully or belittle another person, that you can hide behind it to use it as an excuse to be mean and claim it's your mental illness. But the second my friend tries to explain that they are unmedicated, stressed and trying to seek help and that they know they are difficult, suddenly it’s not allowed.
I understand that some of you have had to step back from being a friend to Sai, I understand it can be difficult to have to deal with someone like Sai.
But all I can say is I hope, I really do hope if something happens to you and your brain starts to fall apart. That when you start to become someone else. That when you begin to feel like you are an outsider in your own mind.
I hope you have someone at your side to help you through it. I hope you have someone who will love and care for you and I hope that when your friends can see there is something wrong, when your friends can see that you are not of mentally sound mind. I hope they don’t get angry at you, I hope they don’t make accusations about you and I hope they can tolerate you.
Because all it takes is one thing and your life is changed like that.
I said my piece. I said a lot. I care for Sai and I can only ask that if you do try and reach out to Sai in the future. Please be patient. I miss my friend, I miss who they were but I and others will help them through this.
Thank you and I hope Sai will be back to see you all again soon, even if the time is limited.
thinkig about when the 2000s olympics was in sydney and these two comedians introduced an unofficial mascot called fatso the fat arsed wombat which looked like this
and everybody in australia just started acting like he was the official olympic mascot to the point where ppl were winning gold medals and bringing a plushie of him up to the podium
and the olympic committee got so mad about it they had to implement all these bans to try and preserve the integrity of the games or whatever but literally nobody else gave a shit so he just kept . showing up everywhere
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