I was suddenly inspired by this:
Human!Perryshmirtz One-Shot: The Book
It was a quiet Sunday afternoon, the kind of day that stretched lazily across the hours. Perry was finally relaxing at home. He had already double-checked his schedule (just in case he had even asked Carl to confirm it). Today was his official day off. There were no missions, no gadgets, and no sliding through secret doors to receive assignments. It was just Perry. His hair was down, unstyled in his comfortable civilian clothes: a loose shirt, khaki shorts, and his glasses perched neatly on his nose; his posture carried none of the sharp discipline he maintained while acting as Agent P.
Today, he wasn’t an agent. He was simply boring Uncle Perry.
The day had been slow and relaxing, almost too slow. He soon found himself restless, a little bored, and with nothing urgent to occupy his mind. After pacing around the living room, he decided to pick up a few books Linda had snagged at a garage sale. She had recommended them with a mischievous giggle, insisting they were “surprisingly entertaining.” Perry wasn’t sure what to expect, but he trusted her taste enough to give them a try.
The covers were delightfully retro, each one painted with a handsome protagonist in some dramatic pose. One featured a blonde sailor tangled in the grip of a monstrous tentacle. “No.” Another promised a space adventure, the hero brandishing a laser gun against a backdrop of stars. “Nope.” A third showed a masked cowboy. “Mmm, maybe.”
The last one caught his eye: a spy thriller. Its cover featured two men standing back-to-back; one in a smoking jacket, the other in a dark suit with an eyepatch. The synopsis promised a nemesis tale full of passion and espionage. “Meh, why not?” Perry thought, amused by the idea of seeing how an author imagined a spy's life to be. He settled into the sofa with the novel in hand.
To his surprise, the book was... engaging. It wasn’t just the action, though there was plenty of that, but the subtler details. The protagonist, a seasoned, handsome spy, had a complicated relationship with his nemesis, an eccentric scientist bent on revenge against the people who had wronged him. Their battles were fierce, but beneath the arguments and schemes, Perry noticed something else: tension. Romantic tension. The kind that simmered under sharp words and long stares.
By the time he was halfway through, Perry was completely absorbed in a particularly intense scene. The spy had cornered the scientist, their fight escalating until the agent growled, “Just give up. I can’t let you destroy this place. They hurt you, I know… but they don’t value you the way they should.”
The scientist faltered, his guard slipping. “I cannot do that… I don’t know what it’s like. to be provided by affection.”
The agent’s voice softened. “Then I’ll show you.” The agent pulled the scientist close and kissed him with desperate passion. The scientist clutched him back, equally frantic, equally vulnerable.
And suddenly, Perry’s mind conjured an image: the spy and the scientist blurred into him and Doofenshmirtz.
WAIT. Why was he thinking that?!
He found himself flushing brilliant red. His relationship with Doof wasn’t like that. Sure, they bantered. Sure, they fought. And yes, over the years, they had grown closer in ways Perry hadn’t expected.
But romantic? No. Absolutely not. He couldn't picture them like that... Could he?
Except his mind traitorously filled in the blanks anyway. He imagined grappling with Heinz during a fight, feeling the man's warmth as they both panted for air, their faces inches apart. He imagined grabbing Heinz by the lapels of his lab coat and pulling him into a kiss with that same intensity. He pictured Doof responding, hands tangled in Perry's unstyled hair, their closeness undeniable. The thought of leaning in, tasting him.
Perry’s face burned crimson. Oh, sweet mother of muffin. He dropped the book onto his lap and buried his face in his hands, utterly mortified by his own imagination.
“Uncle Perry? Are you okay?”
His head snapped up. Candace was standing behind the sofa, her brow furrowed in concern. He waved his hand quickly, giving her a strained smile to signal that everything was perfectly fine. She shrugged, easily distracted, and turned back to her phone. “Yeah, Stacy, I’m totally going to bust them next week...”
Perry exhaled shakily, staring down at the cover of the spy novel. Maybe... maybe he should switch to the cowboy book instead, just to scrub those thoughts from his brain.
Spoiler alert: It did not help. At all.
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jacobvanloon
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