mel

instagram- @melanyelainne

[girlupsyt]

sometimes -

sometimes,

i listen to sad songs i used to sob to every single night. it feels like ages ago, 

but in reality,

it was only a few months ago.

and now, when i listen to these songs,

i cry.

but not out of sadness, pain, or fear,

i cry for that girl who wanted to give up.

i cry because she didn’t give up, no matter what.

i’m here because of her.

because of her strength, her courage, and her determination-

to stay alive.

so i cry now,

with her.

because she was never alone.

i cry now,

for her.

because i know how bottomless and empty her pain felt.

i cry now,

because i am alive. i am her, she is me.

we survived. and will continue to survive.

anything.

[girlupsyt]

again pt.2

with shaky hands,

hazel lifts the cigarette to her lips.

her lips are dark, almost black,

not only because of the nicotine and ash,

but because of the goodbyes she’s had to utter.

and the hellos she’s had to force out.

her goodbyes are full of love, regret, sadness,

and they stain her lips like wine.

but her hellos are empty.

forced, not meaningful.

all because she wishes she weren’t here

to say hello.

out comes the smoke,

the aftermath of her drag.

its cloudy and blinding,

you are expecting it, but a shudder runs through you anyway.

you breathe in the smoke

not because you like it, to hell with your asthma.

you breathe in the smoke because it means being close to her.

breathing in her smoke and sorrow in exchange for the little bit of love she has left to give.

not many people left in her life can stand the smoke anymore.

what a drag to be around someone who wishes they weren’t even there.

but hazel doesn’t care. she takes another drag, and exhales.

you inhale the smoke, and with it,

the last remains of her love.

her life has been lived; her love has been given.

what is left for her to do?

hazel takes another drag from her cigarette.

but this time,

she doesn’t exhale.

[girlupsyt]

again

writers,

we are cursed to forever witness the wonders of this world

and the tragedies alike

but unlike our peers,

these sights will haunt our minds,

cloud our thoughts like rain,

and turn away any other moral obligation

until we put pen to paper,

hands to keys,

and type the world’s sins away.

[girlupsyt]

new york city, big dreams, big stars buildings as tall as i don't even know,  with entirely too many people, a number i couldn't count to if i tried. it has always been my dream to be one, a single entity of the dream that is new york city. but dreams sometimes take longer than what we hope for. dreams require patience, and anguish i think that is what makes them dreams. they require constant effort. they give us something to live for. something to hope for. new york city is my dream. it is what i will work towards and perspire for. weeks ago, i held my dream in my hands. desperate, with my heart outstretched, i held it. only for the dream to vanish. it is no longer something i have, but something i had. i will see it again. one day, new york city won't be my dream. it will be my life. march 6th, 2020

melany elaine

[girlupsyt]

my chest is heavy, so weighed down that i feel as if i can barely breathe like i’ve been stabbed in the chest, and now i am motionless, empty, a deadweight. i feel like crying till i can’t anymore i feel like bleeding until there is no blood left to bleed. i feel like stopping, stopping my heart, stopping my life, stopping everything that makes my head spin i wish i didn’t have to think like this allow my mind to take me to such a place where i ask myself who would cry who would lose themselves in grief lose themselves that like i am now, in my absence; how do i go on? how do i continue the week as if i can handle things? how do i continue breathing as if there is not a weight on my chest? these feelings of loneliness, incompetence, and fear i am alone in this world i am nothing to this world i am not smart enough to mean anything to this world i want to cease to exist but that would require another strength i do not have effort that i couldn’t force myself to give a fear, that i can’t wish away this weight on my chest has stalled my life, put me on pause while everything else keeps moving i am stuck, as if there are weights tied to my feet now i have been pushed into the ocean so i sink, sink, sink until my air runs out. deadweight.

melany elaine. 2.10.2020

[girlupsyt]

i wanted to write about sunday mornings and the way they make me feel the way the wind moves, freely, unreservedly, without constraint i wish to be the wind constant and obligatory necessary to the world’s animation like sun; the sun that warms me the sunny, affable sun an aurora, just outside my window it quiets me and stills my soul a soft reassurance that i am alive that i exist in this moment on this plane of earth that my existence matters idyllic; my mind is uninhabited free of worry, fear, pain, or loss in this moment my soul does not cry does not weep for the ones i have lost does not exhaust itself charading as effervescent and stable nonpareil; instead i watch the sun rise, the sky turn cerulean and my allow my soul rest allow my soul peace allow myself, to bask in the euphoria that is sunday morning

melany elaine 

january 6th, 2020.

[girlupsyt]

my tears are like breakups. they’re always one sided.

only my left eye ever drips tears. 

only my left eye understands fear.

my left eye sees my life so clear,

what’s beyond the joy and people pretending to be sincere

and now i truly don’t know what else to say, 

except to my right eye,

how much to live life your way?

e.t.

[girlupsyt]

life goes on, and days go by.

my sadness and pain just stay inside.

i wear a smile and go through it all

but at the end of the night, smiles don’t stop me from feeling so small.

sometimes it’s fine, i say that i’m okay

but the lie doesn’t last to the end of the day

i find myself lost in my thoughts, in a dark abyss

they lied when they said that i could get through this.

it just isn’t as sad, isn’t as dark,

because now i have people surrounding my heart.

i am close to them, and i try to be closer

but just enough so my pain won’t be discovered

everything hurts, outside, inside, and in

my battle with depression is one i don’t think i will win.