give me back my lighter

I'm 27, lost some weight, now trying to love who I am.

[1los]

[10knotes]

omfg that is just too adorable

[thewightknight]

Dame Helen Mirren’s Christmas Message

[oddlyaquaria]

Your 12 recent emojis are how each month of 2017 will be for you

[ketchup4bonedryapples69-420-dea]

😂😘❤🙌🏻😫😱😔🖕🏻😒😝😷🔪 Welp it’s ending with a bang

[youvsyou]

😊❤😝😂😭😘👍😑😀🙈🇱🇷😜 Don’t know what Mays deal is but it needs to cut it out.

[fight-0ff-yourdem0ns-remade-dea]

😏👌🏻😉👏🏻😴😀💕🙈👋🏻💰🤼‍♀️🤢 Huh.

[daisydip]

😉😍🐂👍🏃🏋🏞🏕💕📚💪🙃 Doesn’t look too bad actually… minus december… don’t know what that shit is about.

[thrivingtopanga-deactivated2018]

😂😩🎉😊😇🥜😍🙄👍🏻😆😦🥐

[givemebackmylighter]

🍩🙈😢😄😂🎉😍😨👍😊💵🙃

[onceland]

“Even though this year still has seven weeks left, I’m calling it early, 2016 has been the fucking worst.”

[iraffiruse]

[givemebackmylighter]

At a pub, drunk, been hiding in the bathroom for 20 minutes, anxiety getting the best of me.

[elosilla]

[twiggy-flowers]

[kirrys]

the million dollar question!

[moaningmabel]

i’m trying to look up vegan skin care and cosmetics etc. in sweden and i’m struggling and………it’s stressing…….me out……….

[givemebackmylighter]

I don't know how the Swedish is going but here's the two Swedish resources I have bookmarked :)

Vegan in Sweden Facebook group: https://www.facebook.com/groups/243322562345574/

Reddit forum: https://www.reddit.com/r/swegan

[moaningmabel]

i’m almost a qualified nutritionist so i’m gonna start a series of diet tips. here’s a sneak peek for all my lovely followers

Diet Tip #1: don’t do it

[givemebackmylighter]

today I did my first crow pose.

so goddamn proud

[lldaddyphilo-deactivated2019091]

Legend

[alexbelvocal]

Lol

[givemebackmylighter]

I never mentioned this on here but I actually failed my thesis. It was the worst thing I've ever experienced, such a punch in the gut, and I've been so ashamed. Only family and my closest friends know. And now Tumblr. I'm finally getting past the shame a bit as I'm readying to hand in my second iteration today. I really get why I didn't pass, I just found a small section that wasn't even finished, out of context, in the middle of the paper. And so. Many. Typos. I was in such a bad place the first time around and looking back I probably should have taken some time off to get better before embarking on the biggest paper of my academic life. I finished my therapy a few months ago and have been in medical treatment for depression and anxiety since. My doctor is the best, just such an actual human being who listens to me, and we've been slowly upping my dose. Right now, for the first time in my entire life, there's no anxiety. I've even tried triggering myself so no avail. I was afraid of the medicine at first, scared I'd lose all the good feelings along with the bad, scared I'd be in a constant fog of neutral. But I still feel happy feelings. I still feel sad feelings. But there's no anxiety and it feels like an open sky, the deep blue sea, a baby bird taking flight for the first time. It feels like freedom. So today I'm handing in my thesis. This time I'm not feeling ashamed of a half assed job, I'm not wondering how I'll defend something I'm not proud of. I'm so happy with the way my school's administration has treated this whole process, first giving me and extention, then these 3 months of re-writing. I'm so relieved that I proved to myself that I could do it. I'm so proud that I battled my way through this dark and stormy period of my life. Tonight I'm having dinner with my family. Tomorrow I have a whole day to myself, without a cloud of "I should write" hanging over my head. On Saturday I'm headed to the Roskilde Festival, it's my tenth year(!) and I'm going with some of my favorite people. It's a week of absolut freedom and it's my favorite time of the year. Tomorrow I'll be showering, scrubbing, moisturizing, shaving, painting my nails and packing my bag. Tomorrow is going to be beautiful and just me and nothing else, and the thought of the day after is making my belly tinkle with anticipation. I made it through. I just can't explain how that feels. I did it.

[12cd12c-deactivated20220922]

[givemebackmylighter]

So yesterday I was trying on dresses for my friend’s upcoming wedding and?? When did I suddenly look so awesome?? Hah. That first one, seriously, SUPER PRETTY and it fits so well I don’t even really understand it. But also SUPER tight which won’t be comfortable for an entire wedding if I also want to eat, drink, etc (and I really do). The second one I’m absolutely in love with though; perfectly fitted at the waist, great length, beautiful flare, great colors (it’s hard to see but it’s basically green leaves with small details of pink and yellow flowers). I’m getting it today and it’s such a weight off my shoulders, I’ve been way too stressed out about needing a dress for this occasion and not being able to find anything I absolutely loved. I love this one. 

Lately in general I’ve just been feeling absolutely awesome about my body and general physical appearance. Probably also bc my skin is clearing way up (yay) but I’m really just seeing some terrific progress in the gym and sort of have visible biceps now sometimes??? Just wow.

[givemebackmylighter]

Thoughts about food.

Hi, I'll probably ramble a lot in this post but I've been giving a lot of thought to my diet and exercise lately and I want to put it in writing.

SO. Food. Glorious food. Since I hit the elusive ~goal~ weight (january '14) I've had these ridiculous cycles in my eating. Either I count calories and keep them pretty low, or I try and eat to "maintain" sort of intuitively. Neither really works for me anymore. They have their own set of issues; when I count calories I get too low, too scared of the numbers. Eating at a deficit for so long to lose weight was really neccesary (FOR ME!! ymmv) but now that I'm healthy and all that I shouldn't still be afraid of seing larger numbers of calories if/when I count them. And when I try to just eat, still keeping it relatively low carb (at least intending to do so), I end up actually gaining weight/fat again - it's always the same 5ish kgs that sit on my hips and stomach. I think I've lost touch with "maintaining" naturally. So the cycle has been: get where I want to be - stop counting calories - eat intuitively - gain weight - start counting calories again - etc. That's just not sustainable to me.

I WANT to be able to eat without counting calories but stay at the physical shape that I feel the best in. And I know I can do that, I've never even wanted to be super skinny and I stopped weighing myself long ago - the number doesn't count, but the way my jeans fit does. If I could get over the hangup on the number on the scale, I can get past this (whatever "this" is).

I've just reached the same point again where my jeans cut into my sides, I’ve counted calories, and I’m just about where I like to be. So now I would usually start eating “normally” again but this time, I’m going to count calories still. I’m just going to count calories at a higher amount this time. I’ve tried to figure out my TDEE and I’m going to track according to that. I need to teach myself what “maintaining” actually means for my body since apparantly I suck at it intuitively. I guess it makes sense since I gained weight in the first place and didn’t think I ate too much. 

I put my breakfast and lunch into the app this morning before even getting out of bed and the number sort of bugs me. It seems so high but I need to remember that yeah, obviously it seems high, I’m used to only count when I eat a deficit! 

Gah, this post is so long. I just really want to learn to eat like a normal person. My mindset is so great now (compared to what it has been) and I want my body and intuition to learn the same things. 

(I was also going to write about exercise but obviously this post is killer and I’ll save that for another day)