[glassprints]

American Swan

a purple and gold sunset

reflecting on the lake

ripples

as he approached

 shaking

I extended my hand

his caress too sweet

I fell asleep from his drink

 awaken to red skin

raw from kissing

 when a man is a god

he can screw you in any form

 they call it myth

the egg of proof

Miss can’t win against a zeus

 not in this Universe

[glassprints]

falling in love with you was 

inevitable

It happened somewhere in between the satisfied smile you wear after making me laugh, and the look you wear before a kiss

love with you is

unfortunate

I wish we were gods so we could love immortally

instead we flicker, and altogether snuff out

this time in the darkness, 

there will be the added pain of knowing what I’m missing

you

[glassprints]

You make me feel on edge

And you take up too much space in my head. I would thank you to kindly pack your things and move out of my thoughts.

You make me wish for things I learned along time ago aren’t in the cards for me. Things like a house and a fenced in yard with kids and dogs and play sets. Things like wrinkles and rocking chairs on front porches.

I would thank you kindly to not mention what we both know to be true. So that I can peacefully return to my previous state of fineness. 

[glassprints]

13 Reasons Why I didn’t report my Rape.

1) I FOUND OUT it happened. And I spent a lot of time denying it. And then I still find myself unable to accept it as a reality.

2) I was scared. I could elaborate, but honestly I was afraid of so many things and it’s just easier to leave it at that.

3) I thought I was going to lose a lot of my friends. We had a lot of mutual friends. (They weren’t that great. But when you’re a teenager, you don’t always know the good friends from the ones who will hurt you with out blinking or thinking about it ever again.)

4) A) I didn’t have a healthy support system. I didn’t trust or feel comfortable with either of my parents. I didn’t know any teachers that I felt safe going to.

B) I felt very alone.

5) I thought I would get in trouble for underage drinking. He was of age. I didn’t want to jeopardize myself for college.

6) I thought it would go away. I was two weeks away from graduating highschool. I was about to move away for college. I didn’t have time to deal with it, and it was easier to deny it happening at all. I thought once I left it would be fine.

7) I had no evidence. I did EVERYTHING wrong. I showered. I didn’t go to the hospital. I washed the clothes right away.

8) I didn’t think anyone would believe me.

9) I didn’t want to see him ever again.

10) I felt very embarrassed and ashamed. Like I should have done something different. I could have prevented it if I’d done this or that. I should have seen ALL the signs.

11) I still couldn’t believe it. Even though I knew. I couldn’t believe it. I erased so much of the night away. And so much of it was erased for me. It was so hard to make sense of it all and I didn’t even want to. I wanted to erase it all. This is really revisiting reason #1. But. #1 was not knowing and finding out about it. #11 is really about denying it.

12) I didn’t want the label. Victim. Survivor. Whatever. I just wanted to throw up and shed my skin like a snake. I wanted a fresh start and labels can look like scars in the mirror. Scars I ended up with anyway. Because it happened. The labels are mine forever whether people can see the scars or not. They aren’t going anywhere.

13) I didn’t want to ruin his life. In spite of everything I thought of HIS future.

What I didn’t think of: was of the girls you might have done it to before me. Or the girls who would come after me.

And it is a permanent weight on my shoulder.

13 reasons why on netflix was difficult for me to watch. But I’m glad I did. Because as a rape victim it helped me forgive myself. Seeing it happen to someone else somehow helped me see where it wasn’t her fault and that meant it wasn’t my fault.

Sometimes it’s easier to forgive others than it is to forgive ourselves. Even when we didn’t do anything wrong.

I made choices. But I had a right to make those choices. Especially since I didn’t get to choose the sex. I deserve to forgive myself for choosing how to handle coping with my rape.

And reason 14: I knew there was no guarantee of a guilty verdict. That even if I had more evidence, there would be no guarantee. And I couldn't bear the thought of him getting away and everyone thinking I was a liar. To be honest. If I could go back I don't know if I would report it. I just dont have faith I would have gotten the justice I needed. But then again if I could go back, I would have just stayed home that night.

[glassprints]

Phoenix prayer

Our first kiss was my first kiss. And your first kiss. I was nervous but excited. I was supposed to kiss you and you kissed me while we sat on the rocks by the river and the water rushed passed us. Almost ten years later I remember what your eyes looked like right before you kissed me, and how they looked right after. Our first kiss was under stars. We were only friends at a party. But it was fun and an adventure. I remember how we talked and laughed. And when I play guitar sometimes I think of how you taught me the most important chords. And I think of our first kiss on a back porch summer party. And the memory sounds like going from C to D. Our first kiss was sad. I was empty and you were too. We used to really care for each other but we waited for the world to wear us down before we tried to make love. And our first kiss turned into just sex. But it was my first real time even though I had already been broken. I thought I could fix myself by erasing him. Instead we just erased each other. Our first kiss was a surprise. It shouldn't have been. You gave me all the signs. Standing on a bridge in the middle of no where after a long drive talking about love and life. I wonder how I didn't see it coming. And I realized the things I didn't see in myself. And why I would never see these things coming. Our first kiss was before you finished painting your picture. You couldn't wait and you kissed me. I thought we would never see each other again but you're always around the corner. Waiting for me to be someone I can't become. Our first kiss was naked in cold waters. The summer night gave us the perfect excuse. It was wonderful and easy and perfectly free of complication. Our first kiss was just another kiss. You were just another boy. It was just more sex. Until it wasn't. For me. And i got hurt in a way I hadn't been. But looking back, I'm glad to be hurt in a good way. In a lost love kind of way. Instead of something more malicious. This wasn't that kind of hurt. It was a hurt that you heal from and I have no regrets. Our first kiss was sweet. Few first kisses look at me the way you did. Only one out of so many others. But we left it at sweet and called it a goodbye. Because sometimes I still feel empty. Our first kiss was on the floor in front of everyone. We were wild and insufferable. You wanted me to come forget the world and I had forgotten it already. I wouldn't be able to pick out your face in a line up. But I'll remember your tattoo and the way you played with my hair. Our first kiss was the one that destroyed me. It hurt. It broke me. It burned me into ashes of a person. Our first kiss is the one that made me wonder: What's my worth? To you I was a body. To you I was a want to be taken and had. No matter how many there have been I can't forget our first kiss. Someday I will rise out of the ashes and be the person I was meant to be before you. And maybe I will be able to be with someone after finally being able to be myself again.

[glassprints]

If you’ve ever been depressed, you know what it is like to always want to go home. Not just when you’re out and around town, or at your best friend’s game night, in class, at a party, at work- but when you’re lying in bed or sitting on your couch or doing dishes in your own house and are suddenly suffocated by the feeling of wanting to go home. Finding there is no where that you feel alright. You can not find a place to recharge, and instead no matter where you are or who you’re with you are always drained of all the things that make you yourself. Wanting to feel things you can’t, is like that feeling of missing a step. Only constant, with no end or escape. You are useless, tired, worthless, and very alone.

It is possible to recover. And somewhere a long the way when you find yourself not feeling depressed anymore you find homes in many places, people, and things. This morning I found myself at home driving  in the sunrise with a cup of coffee looking at a very full moon. I found myself at home with my dog happily chewing her favorite toy. I find myself at home ready to leave on time and very excited to start the rest of my day. I find myself at home with my friends who are excited to see me, the real me, and missed me very much. Even though I’d never actually gone anywhere, I had disappeared inside myself consumed by something I could never control. It let go of me, and I am always running from that. But instead of feeling exhausted, I feel empowered. 

I find myself feeling all the things I wanted to feel before but couldn’t, and it feels like me. 

[glassprints]

You swear the grass is green 

It doesn’t look just right... 

From the other side 

Or by your side

The things you don’t want seen

Now out in broad day light

You said you don’t mind 

Then why’d you try to hide? 

You better run before they catch on 

Cause if they catch on 

They’re gonna catch you

You better run before they catch on 

Cause if they catch on 

They’re gonna get you

You swear you’re 8 months clean

I saw high last night

With my bright eyes

Wasn’t that surprised

I heard you said your piece

Then you took their piece

 To sell for free

Stay away from me

You better run before they catch on 

Cause if they catch on

They’re gonna catch you

You better run before they catch on 

Cause if they catch on 

They’re gonna get you

[glassprints]

I was a bird in flight

He shot me right out of the sky

Broken down on the ground

Hunted and haunted

Smart girls don’t make a sound

Now I don’t sleep at night

They say it’s over I survived

But I know, I know I have to run

He’ll hunt again just for fun

[glassprints]

Sickly slowly relentlessly haunting my memory

[glassprints]

Stained glass childhoods Taught me how to bear my crosses Inked my skin to mark the losses I broke down and built myself back up But I remember what it felt like to think that no one gave a fuck And I’m writing because they swear the pen is mightier than the sword And I know that they think there’s nothing mightier than their Lord And I don’t want to be rude I just don’t know their God as real  but I swear on my God I still feel the things they say they feel

 it’d be nice to make some sense of these universal tragedies So I pray to your God that he’ll take the time out to enlighten me But I’m not gonna stay awake at night trying to explain myself for happiness eternally My insomnia’s too preoccupied by trying to survive the cards dealt out to me By fate or him or chance or evolutionary science This is where I’m at and it doesn’t matter if I ever know why I’m here I think therefore I am and All that matters is i have a fair shot at working to the top by giving it all I’ve got

No I don’t know if America can be great again I don’t know if it was ever that great to begin with The only thing I’ve learned is history never tells it all How great is a country that ends so many lives with two atomic bombs Then swore an oath to liberty and justice for ALL Generations raised generations that don’t know how to be on this planet We’re using the wrong resources and we’re not the only ones dying for it we’ll just keep populating more and carry on our ways and our children’s children won’t have anything to live for and they’ll see the last of days.

But I don’t mean to be so cynical I’m happy now I beat the things that brought me down Like getting drugged by a man who doesn’t remember my name and took my virginity and left me only wearing my own shame no one prepared me what to do when it actually happens to you So I didn’t go to court and I didn’t own my voice But at least it was still legal for me to make a choice And I won’t tell you what I chose because I know you need to know So you can decide if you agree I don’t need that And you don’t need that from me But we need to work together so that people stop killing each other constantly

And I don’t know who to vote for despite what everyone is telling me

But I know it won’t be for a man who thinks hate can make us greater

[glassprints]

The broken bird fell off the window

In front of the children

It won’t fly again

 I went outside

Hoped it was alive

It could breathe but

It won’t fly again

 The broken bird lay on the concrete

And opened its beak

It couldn’t sing

It couldn’t speak

It won’t fly again

 It died and I pet the feathers softly

Wondering what it wanted to tell me

Knowing that

I may die as suddenly

 One day

Someday

I’ll never fly again.

[glassprints]

Do you know there’s a word for it? 

There’s a word for what he did to you.

And for what it’s worth,

that word, 

doesn’t do it justice. 

I  don’t blame you.

You can’t talk about it. 

Words fail when you need them most, 

they failed me. 

There’s a word for it. 

When they believe you, 

Their word. 

They don’t know what it means,  

And for what it’s worth, 

I’m sorry that you do. 

[glassprints]

Going Insane

Have you ever been mad?

Have you ever answered the call?

Have you visited briefly, or endured a more permanent residence in insanity? 

Or have you never been so exhausted by your emotions that your face was swollen and your heart physically hurt to keep beating.

Each breath labored

Each thought poison

Each moment passed, dreaded and disdained

No? 

me either

[glassprints]

You are better than the worst thing you have ever done. 

You are stronger, than your weakest moment. 

And one day, I will remember that. 

And one day I won’t punish myself for my regrets. 

Because one day, I will recover from this. 

[glassprints]

On being a “good person”

What I learned so far is that all of us are living in completely different worlds. We all come from different stories and are put in different circumstances. The battles and wars that we fight are completely different. 

Don’t ever look at anyone and assume they have been through less than you have, or that they aren’t carrying the weight of their world on their shoulders. 

And know that even if you are mean to me, or disrespectful, I will just assume that you have more on your plate than you can handle and I will not stop treating you like a human being. Even if you don’t do the same for me. That is what it means to be kind and compassionate. 

Also know that if you take advantage of my good heart, I will forgive you. But I will not let anyone walk over me. Because I may be kind and compassionate but that does not make me weak. I am strong. And I will let no one person, tear me down. 

[90s90s90s]

[bloopblue]

[glassprints]

I've only seen the Titanic once in fourth grade because it upset me so much that so many people died in a real historic event that it wasn't just a movie for me. It was real death and I have never been able to watch it again since.