Be Kind Man

Katelynn | Aries | 25 | Elefriend

[gloowworm]

I prayed to a god I don’t even believe in. I prayed and I begged. Make it untrue I pleaded, make it some sick joke. Make it stop. This can’t be real. This can’t be the country I live in. This can’t be happening. Take it back- please.

I prayed to a god I don’t even believe in. I sobbed as I begged him to keep all of the innocent people- HIS people safe. I pleaded, please do don’t let this evil spread. Don’t let this next 4 years destroy decades of progress.

I stared at my phone with my mouth gaped open- begging the headlines to be fear mongering. Begging all of these posts to be over reactions. We as a nation wouldn’t let this happen. How could we let this happen? It can’t happen. But I researched every single executive order, direct quote, and accusation.

I couldn’t breath, I couldn’t bare to think of the future. I felt helpless. There was nothing I could do in his path of destruction that was being played out so clearly and cruelly. How does he sleep at night- how do those who voted for this monster sleep at night?

I prayed for a god I don’t even believe in and begged him to be with his people. To take it back. Please take it back. Make this an awful dream.

[gloowworm]

My temporary lapse of sanity in the early part of 2024 had to of been for a reason. Hell it brought me back here to him and that is more than reason enough. In no other universe could I have “fallen” for some rando in such a delusional way that I changed my set in stone plans to move.

To feel so rich in connection and respect and mutual admiration with someone makes me gawk at the tolerance I maintained for 6 months. A person who lacked respect for me, my time, and worst of all my gender. A person who was dare I say it… more rigid than me in all the bad ways. Whose attention I was graced with only on his terms and time. A person who I begged. Let me say that again, begged, to write me a card, or hell purchase a $1 card from the store and slap his name on it. And the kicker is… he never did. The only person who has ever made me feel so insignificant and unimportant in my life.

I am nothing short of embarrassed however I am nothing more than grateful. Because that brought me back here, to my family, to a job I love, to a life I find joy in. And most importantly to a partner who thinks I am a gift, who listens and follows through, who lies to me about how good my cooking is, who is eager to spend time with me, who loves my family and wants me around his, who supports my passions and hobbies. The embarrassment I may never shake, but it is over shadowed by the joy it led me to.

E.W.O.F.U

[gloowworm]

I think it finally happened tonight- I have given up on you. It was so easy to ignore it when I was away but now I’m here and you are disappointment after disappointment.

They don’t all recover I suppose. How could you ever get better if you never had a problem to begin with.

What an odd mix of feelings- grief and relief. Like I can finally breathe because I’m no longer holding my breath.

[gloowworm]

I want to delete all of the artful, if you will, pictures I’ve taken of myself because none of them were for you. They feel wrong to have.

[gloowworm]

I let someone be terrible to me. I let someone stand me up with no remorse. I let someone make me feel less than and incapable. I let someone make me feel so insignificant, not worth clearance chocolate on Valentine’s Day or a card on my fucking birthday. I let a subpar man make me feel like I had found some magical connection. It felt so real. And I watch my past self in slow-mo let the negative comments about women slide, letting his gross view of the world brush off my shoulder, letting every single time he disappointed me be excused. I LET someone do that and I didn’t even really realize it at the time. Or maybe I didn’t care to realize it because the delusion was good enough. Regardless wtf is stopping me from doing that again? That terrifies me. I want me expectations back.

[gloowworm]

And while we’re talking about dreams. I haven’t dreamt of you once. I think that it overwhelmingly telling. I dreamt of you often during our relationship, every break up I’ve ever had has left me with weeks and months of that person seeming to haunt me in my dreams. But you? Nothing. Not a drop and usually not a thought. Sometimes when I pass by your part of town- which is unfortunately 5 min from my part of town, or when I pass the very very few places we went together I think of you quickly then continue on with my day. My brain knew quickly to be weary of you and I don’t think it liked you very much so it seems to be glad you’re not in my life anymore.

[gloowworm]

I dreamt of someone who hasn’t been in my life for over a decade last night. That statement feels so strange to type, has it really been a decade? I never got true closure, at the time it felt like they grew to hate me over night and now that it’s been so long I couldn’t even tell you much of the end of our friendship. But I do know they were my first everything friend, and maybe that’s because we became friends right around when puberty hits and every emotion becomes huge and real and overwhelming, not to mention many of them become negative. We were there for each other in the deepest way 15 year olds could be I suppose, or at least I felt that way. Regardless of the ins and outs of the friend ship the over arching feeling of nostalgia I feel thinking back to that time is good, is safety, is the feeling of family. For a long time I was unable to look past the hurt, for a long time I was embarrassed of how I acted because of that hurt but here I am now, an adult who has done a lot of maturing and growing. I understand people aren’t forever, some are there for a purpose, to learn from, to lean on, but no one is ever really permanent. Anyways back to the dream, we held hands and were staring at the sky. We were our 25 year old selves- and we spoke without words, I thanked you for being my person when I needed a person the most. And then I woke up. And while I don’t think of you often I don’t think I really ever forgave you for exiting my life abruptly and not telling me why. You don’t need my forgiveness, I may have hurt you- I don’t know. But I woke up and forgave you… or maybe I just finally allowed myself to let it go and have named it forgiveness. Either way it feels good, and a little silly that I’ve carried hurt around about a teenage friendship fall out. I guess what happened was I carried the loss with the intensity that 15 year old Katelynn felt it, even as I grew and evolved that memory took a while to catch up.

[gloowworm]

When someone shows you who they are, listen the first time. When someone SHOWS you who they are, listen the FIRST time. WHEN someone SHOWS you who THEY are, LISTEN the first TIME. WHEN SOMEONE SHOWS YOU WHO THEY ARE, LISTEN THE FIRST TIME.

[gloowworm]

It’s crazy because did you even like me?

We talked about what you wanted to talk about, when you wanted to talk.

We hung out when you wanted to hang out and did what you wanted to do.

The lack of effort you put into the relationship is quite frankly laughable.

You hurt my feelings over and over and just didn’t care I suppose.

And the most embarrassing thing is that I stayed and I begged and kept staying. I sat at your heals like a puppy dog desperate for your attention.

I told everyone how wonderful you were. I soaked up every single excuse.

I was wonderful to you. You took and you took and you took. You didn’t care about me.

I wasn’t in love with you, I was in love with idea of you.

[gloowworm]

It sucks that you sucked.

Because I really didn’t want you to. So much so that I think I just chose to be blissfully delusional. Which is kinda crazy. I’ve never felt so much for someone, wanted someone so badly, loved someone like that. And that’s scary because what I loved was the version of you I completely made up in my head. And I didn’t care- bc I wanted that to exist so badly.

It’s embarassing honestly.

[gloowworm]

To my daughter,

I’m sorry- I’m not sure you’ll ever be more than a future I’ve day dreamed about since I was little. More than a name on a list I’ve kept in my notes app for years. In my day dreams I can protect you, but no matter how hard I try I can’t protect you from the bad in this world.

What if your grandparents are your first bully?

What if I come up short like I know I will in some aspect?

What if someone hurts you despite my efforts?

What if instead of the best of me you get the worst?

What if someone breaks your heart?

What if the world is cruel to you?

What if I pick the wrong person to be your dad? What if he’s an amazing partner but a terrible father?

My life circumstances and the world will never be perfect enough for you my dear. So I think one day I will be grieving the fact that my fear never let my dream of you become my reality.

I want you so badly, I crave you, but I could never protect you from the experience of being human and that terrifies me… it haunts me. Maybe one day I will accept that my job isn’t to shield you from the world but give you all of the tools and support and foundation to face the world yourself with confidence. But right now it’s in fathomable to me to choose to bring you into this fucked up world. I’ll see you in my day dreams darling.

[gloowworm]

I am so sick of telling people I am drowning only for them to point at the shore and encourage me to swim. As if that is not what I have already been doing? I see the shore, I have been nothing but desperate to get to the shore. They can see that the current is strong but they tell me to hold on. I suppose they do not see the log my ankle is stuck in…dragging me down with it. I can not swim to the shore right now, telling me how close the shore is does not mediate the fact that I can not breath.

I want you to get in a damn boat, paddle to me and let me rest. You can not dislodge my foot from the log, you must stay on your boat so you too do not get swept away. But you can sit there with me as I work to get free- that’s all I need. I need someone to sit with me, provide me an ounce of relief so I can keep my head above water. Don’t you dare point to the shore you know I can not reach today, tomorrow, next week, next month, or this year. Don’t you dare remind me how much I have swam already. Do not compare the distance I have left to what I have already swam- I am exhausted. My body and brain are tired. The energy and hope that got me here has diminished with every gasp of air.

I see the damn shore, but I am still drowning.

[gloowworm]

Fires Burning

Sometimes I am consumed with so much rage it feels like there is a fire burning under my sternum and I question how my chest has not yet cracked open and let the smoke and flames spill out.

I’m sick of having to be understanding, of having to be calm, of having to be careful of my words when they are not held to the same expectations. I’m sick and tired that society excuses them because they don’t have the tact or emotional maturity so it can’t be their fault. Never mind they are the same age as their female counter parts.

I’m sick of teaching men how to communicate. Of how to distinguish their feelings. No one took the time to teach me that… it was just assumed I would catch on. And I did. Because women are raised to read a room, to decipher others feelings whether they are stated directly or not so that they can masterfully attend to said feelings. But who is attending to ours? Of course.. we are crazy to expect our male counterparts to pick up on behavioral changes and when we speak up we’re bitching.

I don’t particularly love hating an entire half of the population but I have been given no other reason not to. Every man I’ve invested even just an ounce of myself into has disappointed and failed me at one point in time. This includes my father, grandfather, boyfriends, male friends. And if they haven’t disappointed me I’ve had to watch my sisters, bestfriends, loved ones be dissapointed by them. And if I have never met them they are on the news, and if they are not on the news- their victims are.

And I am angry. That anger grows as I am confronted with the sorrowful fact that men are not angry too. For if it is not every man then where were you? I want men to be furious. I want men to question why their friendships will never be as rich and fulfilling as the friendships women experience. Why is that you are speaking or listening to digusting things being said about women and engaging in parallel play - never actually interacting with eachother- while women are immersed in deep conversation and entangled into eachothers support systems. Why is that we want to know eachother so much more than men care to.

It’s pitiful really- and that seems cold to say, but I find it hard to be anything but cold when it comes to this subject. The amount of male friends that have misconstrued my listening ear as one that is opening up the floor for their advances is pitiful. What’s even worse is they often feel as though they are in the presence of someone extraordinary. I wonder if they realized the only thing that makes me wonderful to them is that I ask follow up questions and let them tell me about themselves and their struggles. I leave knowing an abundance more about them and they are left knowing nothing more about me than they knew before I showed up.

Sometimes my lungs are smothered by the smoke that cannot escape my chest. Overwhelmed with the reality that nothing will ever change. We are too angry to be understanding of how they are affected. We did not hurt them, they hurt us and subsequently hurt themselves and that is what makes it so hard to feel any type of empathy.

Why are we the ones having to clean up the mess made for us AND them. Why are women having to put out my fire when they weren’t the ones that started it.

[gloowworm]

I love love.

On a trail I stood to the side catching my breath as I watched an older couple walking hand in hand. Running up a small mound and jumping off it together then skipping off into the distance. I smile and think… did I just watch the happy ending scene of a movie?

I lay gazing up at the stars as a couple next to me reminisce on their engagement while sharing popcorn and a Red Bull. I smile.

I spot countless loved ones catching selfies with each other with the wonders of the world as their backdrop. I smile and offer a picture.

I quietly eat my food as the couples around me share a meal, split a dessert, share a story. I smile while packing up my left overs.

I love love

[gloowworm]

Obituaries:

My carefully planned out future

-Died sometime between the years 2021 and 2022.

Her death was long and drawn out, until it wasn’t. With her died a perfect partner who never existed, babies at 23, the absence of debt, the fear of the unknown.

She is survived by the riveting wonders life may bring when you don’t live and die by the 5-10 year plan you made in your head at 15, by new friends in new cities, and a passion for the unknown. During her lifetime she provided comfort and security to her loved ones. She was consistent and described by her friends as “good enough”. She gave her loved ones the stability they craved and for that she will always be fondly remembered. But she is not missed. May she rest in peace.

[gloowworm]

I let my guard down for two seconds, let myself play with the thought of a future with someone… let myself think I had found a man who was different. What a joke.

[gloowworm]

I used to cry at night, it brought me so much relief and I can’t explain why. My tears rolling down my cheeks hot like melted wax, my nose becoming stuffy. My chest contracting so deeply with sobs. I don’t do that anymore. I haven’t in months. I miss it and I don’t know why.