Now that we've connected cows to the internet, we can finally achieve great grandpappy's goal of utopia. They always figured, back in the 90s, that the more folks they could put on the internet, the better. Turns out that wasn't entirely right, but it helped support ad sales, so we ignored it for awhile. Until we ran out of people. Cows were the next big step! You can train them to click on banner ads and watch ninety-minute YouTube tutorials about how to eat grass, and watch the revenue roll in.
I'm sorry, what? You're asking how cows can buy things? Uh, that sounds a whole lot like 20th-century thinking, friend. Nobody needs to buy things. They just need to look at ads. And cows can do that. Have you ever seen them look at a fence? Thousands of times less engaging than even the most boring Ford commercial; we have the data to prove it. And later, when the cows catch the entrepreneurial spirit of our glorious forever-age, they can make their own ads, and sell those ads to websites that have cow-friendly placement spots for cow businesses.
What are you talking about, the underpinnings of civilization are dependent on an eternal underclass? Well, sure, we ran out of humans to show the ads to. Every single person being forced to watch six hours of ads a day made the individual ads relatively worthless, which really steamed our clams. All of you poors fell off the demographic bubble and it turns out the average cow is more valuable.They're bigger, after all, so more land value is spent on them. Your ad clicks are worth way less!
Are you accusing us, your betters, of equipping every cow in North America with $15,000 VR headsets because we don't want their lives to be vastly improved but instead enslaved into an eternal nightmare of corporate chicanery? That sounds preposterous. I'm so mad about this accusation, I'm going to go click some ads about it. See yourself out.