Kit

Eclectic, queer, and religious, perpetually figuring things out

[gnosis-devotee]

Updated Bio/Blog Intro!

Hello all! I want to introduce myself and let you all know what you are getting into. Thank you for taking the time to look at my blog; I hope you find something you can take with you!

About Me:

Name: You can call me Kit, though that may change eventually. Just trying it out.

Pronouns: They/She

Age: In my 20s, I’d rather not share more than that.

Beliefs:

It is rather complicated. I have a lot of beliefs, but I am quite eclectic. I find things through research and self-exploration, and take on what feels right. I am not a particular religion/faith/spirituality, though if you need a label, Goddess Worshipper/Pagan tends to work the best. Adjectives that might also work are pantheistic, panentheistic, agnostic, solitary, a bit Gnostic and Hermetic, and more I have yet to identify.

I do believe in a deity, in a way. Higher Power might be a better term. This power is everything and nothing. It is the world and beyond it. Male and female, good and evil, chaos and order. That being said, that is hard for my little human brain to really understand and interact with, so I tend to refer to that power in a way that is more comfortable and relates to me. For me, that is a Goddess. Big mother energy, but once again, she is more than that. I don’t really have a name for her, though The Goddess and the Magna Mater (an epithet of a Phrygian/Roman/Greek mother goddess).  I also kind of believe in other entities, but not in a specific way. Ghosts, angels, spirits, daimons, demons, etc. They could exist, and I believe they do, but I don’t really differentiate them from one group of beings to another. Just sort of energies out there.

Most of my beliefs surround my views on deities, but a large part of it is exploration of the self and the world around me. AKA learning. Knowledge and education is a very important value to me, and that is reflected in my religion. I feel closer to the Goddess, and through the Goddess, closer to everything, when I am searching for answers. It doesn’t even have to be esoteric knowledge, it can be anything. “Know thyself” is key to what I believe. But not in the literal “know your place in life” but in a “understand who you are” way. I am a classics student with a specificity in ancient religion, though I also study modern religion. I think part of learning about others is part of learning about yourself.

Anyway, please ask questions if you don’t understand or are curious!

Other notes:

LGBTQ+ safe! I occasionally talk about my own queerness as it relates to my faith, as well.

Not super active. I go through phases of sharing and not sharing my thoughts. Sometimes I reblog, but mostly my own posts.

[gnosis-devotee]

Question about AAVE and similar dialects, both in US and outside.

Disclaimer: I’m really trying to understand. This is not like, calling people out. I want to be respectful and knowledgeable. My mind words in comparisons, so that is why I’m framing my question like this.

I understand that Black and African American people generally want white Americans to not use AAVE. I get that. There is a double standard. We (I’m white) get called cool or trendy for using “internet slang” where the originators of the dialect are seen in a derogatory way.

My question is, is there a similar thing for other dialects/languages? Like in America, a white non-Hispanic person speaking Spanish, even a little bit, seems to be seen as sophisticated and intelligent. If you have a darker complexion, or are viewed as being an immigrant (whether you are one or not) it is frequently seems as an unintelligent thing. A lot of times, it seems to be assumed that if you fit that category, you only speak Spanish, or at least don’t speak a lot of English. There are other dialects connected to ethnic groups, and ones with long histories. I get in America, the history of racism and discrimination is very prominent, but is there a similar situation in other countries? Where one dialect is sort of reserved for one ethnic group because of a history?

Once again, I’m not trying to compare who has it worse or anything, I just thinking hearing other examples, even if slightly different, will help me understand. I’m posting this on tumblr because I think I’ll have a wider reach with responses rather than Instagram.

[gnosis-devotee]

It’s so wild and pretty amusing that cunt is generally one of those offensive (aside from racial slurs) curses in English. At least in America. But it’s also so common now cuz of its use in ballroom and drag cultures.

I find myself getting so used to saying it, but having to catch myself before I say it in front of my parents. I generally don’t curse in front of them, but the occasional shit/fuck/dammit/ass will come out. I will not say cunt(y) infront of my parents unless it’s like, an academic conversation.

Also wild that so many social media things will censor/prohibit cunt but not cunty.

[gnosis-devotee]

Might be a hot take:

The focus in online pagan and related communities to return to ancestral practices and go back to your roots is weird and kind of promotes what I consider to be a problematic way of thinking, at least in many cases.

Yes, you should respect cultures and religions and such and not just join all willy nilly and uninformed. Even in open practices, research things from people in the culture is generally a good idea.

But, I don’t think people should be confined to what their ancestors did. It shouldn’t be a “if you want to practice a pagan religion, you should look to your ancestors’s practices pre-Christianity/colonization.”

Why?

-not everyone knows the culture of their ancestors, especially that far back. Christianity and colonization erased and blurred a lot of ancestral pasts to create a “new” and “unified” identity

-recently ancestors and living grandparents/great grandparents may have practiced a mix of things that came after colonization/Christianity (like a lot of folk religions in America)

-you might just not believe that just because your ancestors did?

-Saying you can only practice the culture of your ancestors is weird and complicated. Like, ancestor wise, I’m Brazilian and Central European. I wasn’t raised with much more than recipes that were passed down from the Brazilian side/common in my geographical area that is heavily Central European. Does that mean I’m close enough to the culture to practice indigenous religions and spiritualities from those areas? Even if I don’t have anyone to teach me, and have never been there? Even if it’s a bunch of different places in those regions? Is there a genetic distance that is too far?

I was a Hellenic Polytheist for a bit. Long story. I really believed in the Theoi, I researched a lot of primary and secondary sources. Damn I went to college and got a degree in ancient Mediterranean history and religion. Yet, people told me I wasn’t Greek so I couldn’t practice it.

I just feel like having a gatekeeping view to ethnicity/ancestry and religion/culture is a bit too close to nationalism to me.

And TO BE CLEAR I’m not saying you should ignore the idea of closed religions. A lot of those aren’t just an ancestral thing anyway. A lot of them just take a formal and long initiation practice if you aren’t raised in it. Which is valid, especially for religions that are complicated, specific, and are taken advantage of by mainstream society and capitalism. It’s more about protecting a culture that other people are trying to water down and erase than keeping it in a weird ethno-religion situation.

Also to be clear, it’s not an issue if you are practicing a religion from a region you are from. Of course there isn’t a problem in that. Especially if you are doing it to connect to ancestors/older family members. That is not what this take is about.

[gnosis-devotee]

😭😭 I just want to look at a goddess related tag without seeing porn. 😭😭

Even #pagan goddess has some sexual stuff, but they only give the culture-specific goddesses. #goddess and #goddess worship is just women with large chests and weird foot pictures.

I just wanna find posts that relate to my religion 🥲

[gnosis-devotee]

Thoughts on depression, hope, happiness and “the small things”

Warning: vague mention of suicidal ideation

This is worth a read, I think, although it is long.

As I finish college (done classes, but need to finish a research thing so I’m not graduating for 10 more weeks) I’ve been thinking a lot about what makes me happy.

I have struggled with depression for many years, longer than I’d like to put a number to, and a recent cocktail of medicines and a great fucking therapist (I’ve been to like 5 over the years, this is the best one so far), I’ve been getting to a place where I can think about happiness without some damned fog blocking the view. When it gets bad, the sad and anxiety-causing things seem so big. The feeling itself is so big. It feels like when I feel bad, it’s the depths of hell, but when I feel good, it’s fleeting and shallow. At least, the good things feel like that when I recall them. Now, I’m really thinking about the good things. Even now, with a clearer mind, I automatically think they are small. Texting memes to my brothers, feeling the sun on my back, smelling the lilacs that grow on my way to work, drawing or writing for even a half hour, and so much more. These feel like heaven in the moment, but my brain says they are small. I never realized how hardwired it was into my brain.

The thing is, these aren’t small. The very act of bringing joy makes them big. They may be quick things, they may be fleeting, but that doesn’t mean they shouldn’t be pursued and appreciated. Many bad things are fleeting and quick too. It’s the stacking on top of each other that gets overwhelming. The good things can stack, too!

Yes there is some big bad things, both in our personal lives and in the general world, but there is just as many big good things. I’ve always had a very spiritual and deep belief about balance and equilibrium, but sometimes growing up in a society that kind of shits on many things that make people feel good gets louder than those beliefs.

I like art, but people treat it as just a hobby or something you do unseriously when you have a break from real things. I like weird music and am kind of obsessive over very specific topics, but things like that are seen as odd and therefore lesser. I like taking a moment to watch the clouds before a storm, and walking barefoot on the grass. We are taught that enjoying nature is a quick distraction. We are constantly shamed for finding joy as frequently as we find sorrow. Are they really small? If the “little things” are keeping someone alive, how can they be so little?

Now, as I look to the fast approaching next chapter in my life, I’m trying to figure out what things bring me joy, even if my brain automatically thinks they are small. I plan for my post-grad life with the intention of collecting as many “little things” as possible. They will not be quick grasps at reprieve, or silly hobbies I entertain. I will make time for them, because what else is there to do? They will be so integral to my life that I could never forget them and their impact, even when I find myself in moments of darkness.

To anyone in a period of depression: I know “it will get better” is a tiring phase. It is vague, and what good are vague promises? I will be more specific. It will take time. It will not be linear. But there will be progress. Progress towards a life you actually enjoy. Progress towards feeling joy as frequently and deeply as you feel depression. It might not be the first medicine, or the first therapist, or the first treatment or lifestyle choice, but it comes. It will feel so good. And you will know that it could come back temporarily , as there is no “cure,” but you will know that it is not all you are. You will know the light will come again. You will know the joy you hope to have again, and you will have it again.

I write this for you, for a younger me, and to me next time I feel low.

[gnosis-devotee]

It’s wild to be so sure of something and you so nervous about it. I feel so sure about wanting to go by kit irl because it feels great, but the anxiety comes from change and worry about reactions. Just got tea and put kit as my name and giggled the whole time

[gnosis-devotee]

Guys the accidentally gave me coffee instead of chai,,, I took a big sip cuz I love chai,,,,, but coffee for some probably genetic reason taste exactly how skunk spray smells to me,,,, im distressed

[gnosis-devotee]

It’s wild to be so sure of something and you so nervous about it. I feel so sure about wanting to go by kit irl because it feels great, but the anxiety comes from change and worry about reactions. Just got tea and put kit as my name and giggled the whole time

[gnosis-devotee]

Rant about people on the internet infantilizing women with disabilities, neurodivergence, etc.,

oh my lord do I hate when people all on the internet call out women for acting like children and thinking people who think those women are attractive are creepy when the woman in question is just exhibiting common neurodivergent behavior (stimming, trouble with eye contact, trouble staying still, etc.) or a speech impediments or any disability.

Just saw some goth thirst trap skit sort of thing and one of the comments said that people that thought she was attractive are pedos. Someone replied to that comment saying she was purposely acting childish cuz she was stuttering and slurring her words.

This woman, obviously an adult, was just stuttering and a bit awkward. I am also an adult, have a stutter (mostly gone now after lots of therapy as a kid, gets worse in I’m anxious or overstimulated), and am neurodivergent. Seeing someone like me get criticized for being “childish” on purpose gives me such an ick, especially when it was clearly a thirst trap made by an adult who was just a bit awkward and stuttering.

I’m so pissed right now. It’s not fucking wrong to be a sexual and/or attractive person if you also have/are any of the things I talked about. It’s creepy as hell that people infantilize us even when we are autonomously participating in sexuality.

[gnosis-devotee]

Lots of thoughts about my gender after seeing construction guys

I passed a group of big mustached construction guys today. Had a weird thought.

At first, I was like “Being like that probably would be very nice for my gender”

But then I thought more, cuz like, I don’t want to look like a big muscly man with a mustache. I have some body related dysphoria, but I don’t really want to be a man. Or perceived as one at all.

So why did I think the first thought? I think it had more to do with wanting to be accepted into a group like that, rather than actually being like the others in the group. There was this air of mutual respect between them. Sure, they could have hated each other, but they laughed together. They sat in a circle talking. I think my desire was to be able to be in that circle and be taken seriously. Not to be a woman in a traditionally masculine space, just an equal.

Sometimes I wonder if I don’t connect to femininity because of how women are perceived. I find myself wanting a different body because of the sex and secondary sex characteristics, but I do not want male versions of those characteristics. I sometimes fear that this isn’t really gender dysphoria or some natural born-this-way disconnect to femininity, but a fear of what being woman means in my society. Especially when thinking about my early experiences with disliking my chest. It didn’t really happen until puberty. I look back and my poor poster and baggy full-coverage clothes and wonder if I didn’t like my chest because it made me more female looking, or made me open to more sexualization.

It could be both. It’s just hard thinking about something I feel so strongly about my identity being a reaction to a patriarchal binary-focused society and not something I just am. Like I really don’t feel like a woman 95% of the time, but that idea of “women” is so socially constructed. To me, to be a woman is so many things, often based on what I grew up around. I saw girls who had long straighter hair, were thin, like pink and dresses, and had crushes on boys. I saw women be celebrated for continuing those aspects, and their bodies were sexualized and objectified. I liked black and green and begged my mom for short hair, I didn’t feel quite right in many styles of dresses, I eventually realized I liked girls. I didn’t want to be objectified or sexualized by men. To me, that made me feel like I didn’t want to be a woman, or wasn’t as good at being a women as other people. Today, I think that feeling has cemented itself. I enjoy being perceived as something else. I still say I’m a woman, but I think of myself more as all-around queer. I like people seeing me as queer before they see me as a woman.

[gnosis-devotee]

Y’all horrible news… the Catholic sorority girl was indeed straight. I’m completely aghast, who could have seen this coming!?

[gnosis-devotee]

The universe is wild sometimes because what do you mean I’ve had unrequited feelings with many a genderqueer politically similar atheists/pagans with dyed short hair, but the first time in a while I get feelings for someone, let alone seemingly someone who is interested as well, it’s a traditionally feminine very Catholic sorority girl. Plus, I’m graduating so it will be significantly harder to see her after school ends this week. I, of course, can’t tell if she is just being really nice or actually flirting. Two days after Lesbian Visibility week nonetheless!

[gnosis-devotee]

Moodboard added for extra fun

[gnosis-devotee]

The universe is wild sometimes because what do you mean I’ve had unrequited feelings with many a genderqueer politically similar atheists/pagans with dyed short hair, but the first time in a while I get feelings for someone, let alone seemingly someone who is interested as well, it’s a traditionally feminine very Catholic sorority girl. Plus, I’m graduating so it will be significantly harder to see her after school ends this week. I, of course, can’t tell if she is just being really nice or actually flirting. Two days after Lesbian Visibility week nonetheless!

[gnosis-devotee]

Sometimes I find myself in situations online and think “wow for how many LGBT+ people are here, this is not very queer”

Like a total lack of community, understanding of history, acceptance of others, and things like that.

It’s like people just repeat hot takes that became normal rather than thinking about the offline diverse experiences of LGBT+ people.

Im not saying that discourse shouldn’t happen, but I think people should rethink what “harmful” actually means when it comes to saying certain groups are harmful to another. Other LGBTQ people are not the main villain here, infighting is only distracting us from the people actually oppressing us. A he/him lesbian is not inherently hurting anyone. A government and its supporters that want all of us to disappear is. They aren’t going to care about the nuances between a bisexual or pansexual. They will come for one us, and then the next.

[heai]

it's so easy to find God everywhere tbh like i touch my hamster's little nose and it's a miracle, and there is God. i brew tea with milk and honey and there is sweetness, and there is God. i ask my security guard if her sickness is improving and she smiles, forgetting to cover her chipped front teeth like she usually does, and there is God. i take a walk and i see pots of flowers alongside the roads, and people laughing in the sun, and hear the motorcycles rumble, and hear the firecrackers pop, and smell the food of the market, and smell the perfume of a stranger, and God sees and hears and smells all these things too, and there He is within them all.

[gnosis-devotee]

I’ve been a big fan of the small things lately. Feels like this. Laying in the sun and listing to the wind through the trees. Seeing the blades of grass shiver in the breeze. Talking with a friend you haven’t seen in years. I even was randomly fascinated with my tattoos. They are all spiritual themed anyway, but just the idea that I was able to have art permanently on my body, art that means so much to me, is just so divine to me.

[gnosis-devotee]

Sometimes being queer in a sexuality and a gender way means seeing a confident a weirdo who does whatever they want with their gender and is also very kind and then thinking:

“Do I want to be them, or enter a queer platonic relationship with them beyond the bounds of romantic/sexual desire”

[gnosis-devotee]

I don’t think people commonly think about how exhausting it is to learn. I don’t mean in like just a school context. Just in general.

I don’t mean this in a “pity me” way either or a complaining way.

More in awe.

Like of course getting out of the habit of thinking one thing and introducing a complex larger way of thinking about things is tiring. Can be uncomfortable too. Weird emotions come out sometimes. Anger, sadness, anxiety, overwhelm. It’s just wild.

Not that we shouldn’t learn to avoid that, but I do think if it was more talked about maybe there could be norms in place to help prepare people for that and also help them handle it.

I think brains use like, 20% of our daily energy, despite being kind of small compared to rest of our body. So like, it is literally exhausting. Like you rest after a workout, eat carbs before and protein after, stay hydrated, etc. Why isn’t that the norm for thinking hard too?