Realizing I had Autism has brought me a lot of change. I was really scared that labeling myself as Autistic would be an excuse so that I would shrink even further back into myself. It's actually lead to some surprising ways I'm actually less afraid of the world.
When I realized that the thing that scared me about holding a bird or a butterfly wasn't some dread of a horrible disease or injury but was just me knowing that i probably wouldn't enjoy the sensory feeling of insect legs or bird claws. I used to think: "No! Never! Birds and butterflies may be the most beautiful creatures in the whole world. I may want to take a closer look at them, and share a special moment with the creatures I really adore, but something is telling me it will be so so bad I can never do it!" Now I know what that feeling means, and I know how to gage my limits with unpleasant sensory activities. I have held so many butterflies. I'm going to hold a bird next time I get the chance.
I know that eating fruit or bread helps me reset after sensory overload because food is comforting and fruit and bread are the only foods I find neutral sensory-wise. I go outside more often now. My mom used to tell me "wear shorts, it's hot out." and she was looking out for me. Now I know I gotta wear long pants because the soft grass touching my ankle feels like thorns and I'm gonna hate it out there if I wear shorts. People told me to wear hiking boots, but now I know heavy shoes make me want to cry, so I don't wear them. "Don't waste your time on a fancy hairstyle," they'd say, but I know that french braids are the only hairstyle that distributes the weight on my head evenly and keeps my hair out of my face. "look at that view." they'd say, and i never understood why I didn't care.
All the people in my life took such good care of me, but they didn't know I was different. They didn't feel what I felt. They had no idea. Knowing that, knowing that I am not weak or broken because their advice didn't work on me, knowing that I've got to find my own way, has given me so much clarity its insane. I go on hikes and while everyone else enjoys the fact that you can see like 10 miles away or whatever, I'm crouching over by a rock looking at some moss or some mushrooms and having a fantastic time.
I genuinely feel like I found a cheat code to my own existence. Not an excuse: an answer sheet.
I still struggle to accomplish tasks, and I feel like I fell behind in growing up, I always felt like there was this barrier to me being able to care for myself or "Act grown up". Sometimes I forget I have the answers now. Sometimes I forget the wall is gone. But it is gone, and I get to finally step into a life where I understand my own body and mind. The only excuses I have left are "I forgot I knew how to deal with that now." Hopefully I'll start remembering more often.
There are still more ways I need to learn about my own mind and body. Still things I need to work on gaging. There are still problems I'm not realizing I don't have to just climb over with 7 times the effort of someone who can walk through. My path is just different. And I will find it. Little by little, I feel like I'm becoming a person. slowly realizing just how capable I am. I'm grateful for the love and care that people gave me along the way- but I'm allowing myself to let go of guidance that I now know isn't for me.
I know lost of people use labels to excuse behavior. But I can't do that. Freedom tastes too damn good.
