Does anyone else fill up with dread when you realise your guy friend has a crush on you, because you’re now going to be socially obligated to provide him with lots of time and emotional work if you don’t want to suffer social sanctions for not fulfilling your gender’s role of managing men’s feelings?
Men who are attracted to women routinely make their crushes a problem for the women they’re aimed at. Many men see a woman’s interest as a given and are offended when they don’t automatically get it. If they possess the basic understanding that they’re not entitled to her interest - which is honestly pretty rare - they still generally feel entitled to her time and emotional work.
They expect explanations, a chance to ask often-invasive questions about her lack of interest, and perhaps even a chance to convince her to “give him a chance”. They expect to be let down in the gentlest, most complimentary way possible, to have their feelings managed every step of the way by a woman who did not ask for this interest or the job of guiding him through his feelings about it.
This is one form of male entitlement, a near-ubiquitous form of misogyny that’s so embedded it often goes unnoticed. Men, think critically about the expectations you have of a woman you’re interested in. Are you trying to make processing your feelings her responsibility, or are you managing them on your own like a respectful adult?
No one likes to be rejected. But your interest in someone doesn’t obligate them to comfort you, provide you with therapy, or listen to heartfelt confessions they don’t consent to listen to. Your interest doesn’t mean they owe you.
Find someone who consents to giving you that emotional work; don’t demand it from someone you’ve trapped in an awkward situation. Let “no” be enough.
kaledo-art
2087
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