Nothing bad here, don’t worry! Just wanna address some things!
1. So this blog’s activity has recently taken a nosedive down into very slow updates, and I wanna apologize for that! I just started my first year of college and the workload is insane, and I don’t really like typing chapter reviews on my dinosaur old laptop, but I’m hoping to get back into more updates per week! I might put TAB on hold for a while because that book is draining and snarking it is simply not fun anymore. I might go for another book in the series, Q0S, because hooboy do I have some salt on that.
2. I will be participating in National Novel Writing Month (I know that’s a while away but shhh) and I’ll be writing a third draft of Kingdoms and Dinosaurs!
3. I’ve been thinking of starting some webcomes to work alongside on with schoolwork, since our teachers encourages us to have an original piece to possibly connect to our final film project at the end of the year (I get five weeks to animate a short film!) One would be a Nuzlocke comic because I loooove the Nuzlocke comic community and always wanted one of my own! The other would be an original fantasy webcomic, but again this is all just speculation and I can’t make any promises, but keep an eye out for those if you’re interested!
4. Guess who finally saved up enough money for her first tablet!
I’m so excited to improve and learn more about digital art! :D
no offence but if we’re mutuals there’s a 100% chance i wanna be your friend but i’m too scared to message you so do what you want with that information
Fingers crossed on Celery getting the snot beaten out of her
There was a vicious thump against her head, and something wet and putrid pressed to her face, and then—
Oblivion.
I shit you not there’s literally only one paragraph of Celery knocking out two guards before getting incapacitated herself. Some fucking assassin.
She wakes up later in the sewer.
Through stinging eyes, she found the hatchet-hewn face of Doneval’s bodyguard smiling at her. “Hello, lovely. Thought we didn’t notice you spying on us for days, did you? You might be good, but you’re not invisible.”
Lmfao after all that build up over Celery being the best assassin evah, she wasn’t even good enough to stay under the radar of these mooks? Fucking hilarious. This series is a great parody of itself.
The bodyguard leaves her in the sewer to drown as the water rises. Celery uses the hidden daggers in her suit to cut her ropes but of course she also cuts herself on them. Holy fucking shit this chapter is a gift that keeps on giving. SJM builds Celery up as an amazing assassin but has her unable to use hidden blades without slicing herself open.
So Celery swims through literal shit for a while and tries to open an old rusty grate to escape, but no cigar.
“Celaena?”
It was a shout, and it was close, and Celaena sobbed when she heard Sam’s voice, nearly muffled by the rain and roaring waters beneath her.
Sammy arrives and they try again to open the grate.
She’d never given much thought to how she’d die, but drowning somehow felt fitting. It was a river in her native country of Terrasen that had almost claimed her life nine years ago—and now it seemed that whatever bargain she’d struck with the gods that night was finally over.
Jesus Christ, shut up. Stop shoving this lost queen bullshit into my face. It was insufferable in E0S, it’s batshit crazy annoying here.
Celery tells Sammy to take her body to Terrasen before going underwater. As if there’s any chance she’ll die; SJM just loves to torture me with the idea.
Next chapter opens up with Sammy reviving Celery, having gotten her out of the sewer.
“Breathe!” someone was roaring as they pounded on her chest. “Breathe!”
And just like that, her body seized, and water rushed out of her. She vomited onto the cobblestones, coughing so hard she convulsed.
And Celery vomits again and again. Here’s the thing; I’m not opposed to characters vomiting due to trauma, I mean, it’s a real thing that happens. I don’t care if it happens in books, it’s just that SJM does it so fucking often and only with her female characters, it’s just ehhh. I try not to assume things about people I don’t know personally but I’m beginning to suspect SJM has a vomit fetish she sneaks into her YA books. But that’s just a theory!
Later on Celery is resting in her room and Sammy comes in to check on her. Celery then reveals she’s going to kill the bodyguard who attempted to drown her and the chapter ends.
Next chapter opens with Celery finally using the gold the Mute Master gave her to pay off her debts to Arobynn.
“Good luck with Doneval tomorrow night,” he added. “Let me know if you need any help.”
“As long as you don’t charge me for it.”
He didn’t return her smile, and set down the paper. “I would never do that to you.” Something like hurt flickered in his eyes.
Fighting her sudden desire to apologize, she left his study without another word.
Gross gross gross. Stop making Celery want to apologize for hurting his feelings, Arobynn literally described himself as owning Celery!!! That’s fucking disgusting!!!
Sammy and Celery check out the sewer and entrance to Don’s place later on. Sammy asks Celery how does it feel to be free and it makes me :((((
Sammy reveals he’s going to leave this place and move far away and I’m here like, yes my son!!! Get away from these shitty assholes and abusers!! Find someone who will treat you right!
“But why? Why can’t you let it go?”
He grabbed her shoulders and shook her. “Because I love you!”
Sammy admits he loves Celery so they make out and the chapter ends.
Man these chapters are so short and just... nothing. Makes me feel lazy, like I’m barely doing anything in these reviews.
College classes are actually less torture than reading this book.
Crouched in the shadows of a gargoyle the following afternoon, Celaena shifted her numb legs and groaned softly. She usually opted to wear a mask, but with the rain, it would have limited her vision even further. Going without, though, made her feel somewhat exposed.
Oh god this mask bullshit again. I’ll spare y’all an angry rant just go read the first few chapter reviews of this book if you need a refresher on why it’s fucking stupid.
Celery and Sammy are spying on the rental house of the guy she’s been ordered to kill. Pretty standard stuff; they actually act by assassins by noting the time the guards change shifts and where Doneval does all his business.
Sam let out a breathy laugh, his eyes still on the house. They were silent for a few minutes. At last, he said, “So, the Mute Master’s son …”
She almost groaned.
It feels dirty agreeing with Celery, but. Sammy. Dude. It’s not the time for that shit. Being jealous is a human flaw we can’t help, but please don’t make Sammy a possessive creep like Celery.
Luckily SJM is smart enough to not go down that path and they both confirm nothing romantic happened between them and anyone else that summer.
“Sometimes I think so, too. Certainly made my life more interesting. I wonder, though—if I’m helping you, does it mean I get to be your Second when you run the Assassins’ Guild? Or does it just mean that I can boast that the famed Celaena Sardothien finally finds me worthy?”
Does Sammy know I would die for him? Does he know that I love him? Does he
A bodyguard leaves the rental place and Sammy/Celery follow him.
It was easy to spot [the bodyguard] in the crowd, even as they reached the main avenue of the city. People jumped out of his way, actually.
I find it very hard to imagine rich people in the street actually jumping to and from to avoid this guy. This writing lmao.
The bodyguard goes to get a drink and then returns home and Celery/Sammy leave, accomplishing nothing. The narrative even lampshades this.
Sammy gets some of the sheet music for the musical they saw the other night and leaves it for Celery in her room, which is honestly an adorable gesture. This made me smile. How is it that SJM can make Sammy so endearing and lovable but she couldn’t so the same for Rowboat?
Later Celery goes to a party where Doneval is (who will now be called Don because I’m tired of typing out names)
One of the beautiful serving boys offered Doneval and the courtesans glasses of sparkling wine. The bodyguard, who stood by the curtains, sipped first before nodding to Doneval to take it. Doneval, one hand already wrapped around the bare shoulders of the girl beside him, didn’t thank either his bodyguard or the serving boy.
I mean... yeah? This is a party for the rich snooty upper class peeps, of course they’re not gonna be tripping over themselves to thank servants?
Someone almost knocked into Celaena from behind, but she sensed the staggering man and easily sidestepped out of his path. “This is a madhouse,” she muttered, her gaze rising to the girls on the swings as they floated through the room. They arched their backs so far that it was a miracle their breasts stayed in their corsets.
Another unnecessary reference to women’s breasts. SJM clearly does it to be ~edgy and mature~ even though it’s just out of place.
Don is making out with some other girl and Celery decides to approach him alone. Any bets on whether this will bite her in the ass? Do I hear ten dollars? Twenty dollars?
She forced a little smile to her lips as Doneval’s eyes roved freely. Up and down, down and up. That was why she’d opted for a lower-cut dress than usual. It made her stomach turn, but she stepped closer, only the low-lying table between her and Doneval’s sofa.
Next chapter opens up with the promised confrontation between Celery and Don. And of course, another reference to Celery’s boobies. It’s like SJM was warning us for the shitstorm that was E0S.
She was definitely more covered-up than the courtesans around him. But sometimes there was more allure in not seeing everything
Yet SJM has all her female characters flopping their titties around regardless.
Celery tricks Don into thinking she’s the niece of some wealthy dude in order to find out the time of Don’s appointment by inviting him to tea with her and her uncle. Don oggles her boobies so SJM has an excuse to shove in more breasts references.
Celery goes to dance and all of a sudden two masked mooks show up out of nowhere? I’m getting a strong Phantom of the Opera vibe and I don’t like it. God, could you even imagine SJM doing a PotO retelling? I bet she thinks Christine should have picked the Phantom.
Masked dude tries to dance with Celery but Sammy breaks them up because Celery is falling over drunk. She gets mad at him and then suddenly admits she doesn’t know how to be his friend yet. No duh, Miss “my friend isn’t allowed to have other girls as friends” Celery.
Celery goes to her new apartment the next morning and then the chapter ends.
Since she’d forgotten to do it at the party the night before, she meant to thank Sam for the music during their usual tumbling lesson after breakfast. But several of the other assassins were also in the training hall, and she had no desire to explain the gift to any of the older men. They would undoubtedly take it the wrong way.
Like what wrong way? That Sammy likes you? Because it’s pretty damn obvious to everyone that isn’t a huge moron that you two like each other.
Celery trains and reveals she’s breaking into Don’s apartment that night even though they’re meeting in two days? Eh, whatever floats your boat.
Lysandra’s face was flushed, making her green eyes sparkle. “Oh, Sam,” Lysandra said, rushing toward him with outstretched hands. Celaena bristled.
Oh great, more slut shaming bullshit! Just what I wanted! Thankfully it doesn’t last too long before Celery fucks off. I’ll cling to whatever I can in these books.
The walls of Doneval’s house were unguarded. Wherever he’d gone tonight—from the look of his clothes, probably to the theater or a party—he’d taken several of his guards with him, though she hadn’t counted his hulking bodyguard in their ranks. Perhaps the bodyguard had the night off.
This just reeks of a trap, but of course Celery takes the bait.
She breaks in and not two seconds later she’s attacked. The chapter ends on a cliffhanger because of course the character who goes on to be the ringleader of assholes later on in the series totally has a chance of dying guys!
We start off with Celery opening a present from Arobynn, which is some expensive combs. Celery gushes over them and is like “Arobynn may be an abuser to all of his assassins/staff but at least he has money and good taste lol!” God I hate this bitch and this book.
Arobynn might be a bastard, and he might associate with Lysandra, but he had damn good taste.
I love how Arobynn being associated with Lysandra is somehow a worse crime than physically abusing his students. And by love, I mean fucking hate with every fiber of my being.
[Arobynn] had been kind and gracious, serving her food himself, speaking softly to her like she was some frightened pet.
She glanced again at her hair and nails. A very unkempt, wild-looking pet.
This is all just a huge major Yikes in my book.
Celery gets her hail/nails done and then watches the convoy from Melisande arrive.
She wondered if Sam was making his way to see the procession—and if Lysandra was with him. So much for Sam’s unwavering loyalty.
At this point I’m beginning to wonder how, when I got to the doctor and present my high as fuck blood pressure, I will explain it’s that way because of shitty YA novels.
Sammy. Doesn’t. Owe. You. Shit. HE DOESN’T OWE YOU SHIT. He can date Lysandra and still be a loyal friend to you because, and you may wanna sit down for this one, people can have both a romantic partner and friends and be loyal to both of them! Imagine!
It’s somewhat ironic Celery acts possessive of Sammy and acts as though he owes her and can’t have any female friends, when several books later Rowboat would proceed to act the exact same way to Celery. Fucking amazing.
Things had been better when she relished the thought of gutting him. Apparently, Sam was just as susceptible to a pretty face as Arobynn was. She didn’t know why she’d thought he would be different.
THIS FUCKING SLUT SHAMING BITCH I AM GOING TO FUCKING SADSAFADGAFASDAS
Celery decides to take on the job Arobynn told her about earlier. I don’t give a fuck. The next day Celery is trying on some assassin suit that has concealed weapons that Arobynn ordered to be made for her.
But she was Celaena Sardothien, gods be damned, so didn’t she deserve the very best equipment?
^me once I finish reading this god forsaken novel.
Celery asks the dude who made the suits to put the Spidersilk she received from the desert over the heart of the suit and that scene ends. Good fucking Lord, this chapter is so long I want to cry.
Celery runs into Sammy again so we can get more slut shaming bullshit.
Sam crossed his arms. (...) “Not at all. Though I’m a little surprised that you’re accepting [Arobynn’s] gifts. How can you forgive him after what he did?”
“Forgive him! I’m not the one cavorting with Lysandra and attending luncheons and doing … doing whatever in hell it is you spent the summer doing!”
REALLY BITCH. REALLY.
AROBYNN PHYSICALLY AND MENTALLY ABUSING YOU IS SOMEHOW ON THE SAME LEVEL AS SAMMY HAVING A FRIEND WHO ISN’T YOU. AFTER YOU BELITTLE AND ARGUE WITH HIM, HE ISN’T ALLOWED TO FUCKING HAVE FRIENDS????
Holy shit why do nobody talk about this book?? It’s way more fucking offensive than E0S!!! Holy fucking shit I’m about to lose my marbles!!!!!
Celery bitches and moans to Sammy some, and then Sammy reveals that he forgave Arobynn only when Arobynn promised to never lay a hand on Celery, and she stomps off without idk, saying thank you? To think that people stan this raging asshole. The dirt on the bottom of my shoe is a better character than fucking Celery.
Arobynn tells Celery that her target Doneval is going to the theater that night so she goes to stalk him. Arobynn invites Sammy and Lysandra along because this book doesn’t have enough slut shaming in it, apparently.
FINALLY THIS CHAPTER ENDS HOLY FUCK. The next chapter opens up with them actually going to the theater.
She immediately found the man she’d been assigned to kill. He was tall and middle-aged, with pale blond hair and tan skin. Not particularly handsome, but not an eyesore, either. Not heavy, but not toned.
This is about as close to being not drop dead gorgeous as SJM’s characters can be without being straight up ugly, and ofc he’s a bad guy. This book is driving me to drink.
Celaena could sense Sam behind her, feel his gaze focused solely on the gold velvet curtains concealing the stage. She should say something to him—apologize or thank him or just … say something kind.
I don’t know, maybe apologizing for being a shitty friend and an asshole in general? Apologize for acting like a possessive fucking creep and slut shaming him and Lysandra? But no, that would require ~empathy~ and not being a shitty asshole, which Celery is not capable of.
She glanced once at his clothes and then said, “You look handsome.”
His brows rose, and she swiftly turned back around in her seat, focusing hard on the curtain. He looked better than handsome, but … Well, at least she’d said one nice thing
I mean complementing him doesn’t make up for the fact you slutshamed him and Lsyandra but go tf off I guess. I would give SJM credit for acknowledging Celery is an asshole and making her try to better herself but Celery is literally patting herself on the back for simply saying Sammy looks nice like lmfaoo get off your high horse, bitch.
Anyways, they watch the performance and Celery gets emotional because she loves music. Nothing wrong with that, not a bad hobby for her, I just don’t give a shit about her as a character so it doesn’t move me in any way.
“Celaena, I didn’t know you had a shred of human emotion in you,” Lysandra leaned in to whisper. “And I didn’t think the performance was that good.”
Who talks like this?? No seriously, who talks like this? Even bitchy people wouldn’t talk like this.
Sammy tells Lysandra to shut up and Celery nearly busts a nut at that and then they leave.
She wasn’t tired in the least, though. Emotionally drained, perhaps, but it was only ten thirty, and the thought of taking off her gown and climbing into bed made her feel rather pathetic. She was Adarlan’s Assassin; she’d freed slaves and stolen Asterion horses and won the respect of the Mute Master. Surely she could do something better than go to bed early.
SJM so badly wants that “She was Adarlan’s Assassin” line to become an epic quote but it’s bizarre here. Going to bed early isn’t a bad thing? In fact, for an assassin that will have to stalk her victim for the next few days to spot an opening to kill him, getting extra sleep is a good thing!
Celery goes to play piano.
She’d learned to play when she was ten—under Arobynn’s orders that she find at least one refined skill other than ending lives—and had fallen in love immediately.
Really? The same guy who ordered you to break your hand in order to practice sword fighting with your other hand also ordered you to learn piano? I’m all for having other hobbies other than your main one it just seems odd.
After a while she stops that and meets up with Sammy.
“Why are you helping Lysandra?” She didn’t know why she asked it.
Don’t give me that shit you know damn well why you’re harassing Sammy over this, because you’re an abusive asshole who can’t stand the fact that Sammy is allowed to have other friends.
Sammy says he feels bad for Lysandra and reveals Arobynn also beat him after he beat Celery.
“But my punishment was having to watch him beat you that night.”
“Why?” Another question she didn’t mean to ask.
He closed the distance between them, standing near enough now that she could see the fine gold-thread detailing on his tunic. “After what we went through in Skull’s Bay, you should know the answer.”
Sorry Sammy but footage not found. You have no reason to like this asshole.
Celery decides to be a mega asshole today by implying she had a summer romance with Ilias. Ilias was barely a character but even he deserves better than this.
Celery then asks Sammy to help her with her current mission and they confess they miss each other. You know what I haven’t missed? This shitty ass book!
So i’m leaving today for my first year of college (moving away bc I can’t stand living in my household anymore for reasons lmao) so sorry if the updates slow down a bit! Good luck to everyone else returning to school!
A great way to start your first year in college is reading shitty YA novels.
We open up with Celery and some other assassins helping Ilias and the Master.
A few sniffs revealed that the wine had been laced with a small amount of gloriella, just enough to paralyze him, not kill him. (...) How had he not noticed it before he drank? Perhaps he wasn’t as humble as he seemed; perhaps he’d been arrogant enough to believe that he was safe here.
I am going to lose my shit. I am actually going to go insane.
You didn’t fucking notice either Celery you goddamn waste of space piece of shit!!!!!!! You were drugged the same as him, you don’t get to act all high and mighty!!!!! Fuck you, Celery. I was considering snarking the rest of the series but Jesus Christ this is actually making me fucking exhausted to the point where I don’t know if I can handle it.
The next few pages do that shitty thing where each scene is only a sentence or two long and they have to use the scene indicator a million times and it looks fucking ugly. Look at this.
Shit’s ugly, man. Anyways, Celery lets Ansel go even though she murdered innocent people and generally fucked everything up because of reasons, I suppose.
The Master calls Celery into his room later to talk (yeah, he can talk now) to her about how poor Ansel lost her family. Yeah, still doesn’t justify her murdering Mikhail and other people who considered her their friends.
He walked to a latticework hutch, as if he were giving her the time to regain her composure, and pulled out a letter. By the time he returned to her, Celaena’s eyes were clear. “When you give this to your master, hold your head high.”
She took the letter. Her recommendation.
I wish the Master was in a better book, he truly deserves it.
He also gives Celery a bunch of gold to help pay off her debts, and even though I hate Celery and she doesn’t deserve it, the Master is too pure, too good for this world?
Sunlight gleamed on the gold inside, reflecting through the room like light on water. All that gold … and the piece of Spidersilk the merchant had given her … she couldn’t think of the possibilities that wealth would open to her, not right now.
“When you give your master his letter, also give him this. And tell him that in the Red Desert, we do not abuse our disciples.
I think I stan him now? Yeah, I stan a minor character whose never gonna appear again. That’s how shitty the cast is in this book.
With that, that brings this shitty, shitty story to a close. I hate this one the most so far; horrible writing, horrible characters, Celery continues to grow even more unlikable, and there wasn’t even any Sammy in there to cling onto. Let’s just start the next one.
The next story is called The Assassin and the Underworld. Ow the edge.
The cavernous entrance hall of the Assassins’ Keep was silent as Celaena Sardothien stalked across the marble floor, a letter clutched between her fingers.
And we’re starting off with another Celery POV. Joy. At least The Healer short story allowed us tiny breaks with Yrene. Will I ever get my beloved Sammy POV?
So Celery marches into Arobynn’s study and tosses the letter at him, growing immediately pissy when he doesn’t open it.
She looked at the exquisite red carpet beneath her feet. Someone had done a splendid job of getting all the blood out. How much of the blood on the carpet had been hers—and how much of it had belonged to Sam Cortland, her rival and co-conspirator in the destruction of Arobynn’s slave agreement?
Good lord SJM, we know who Sammy is, stop info dumping us about shit we already know.
“If I could take back that night, Celaena, I would.” He leaned over the edge of the desk, his hands now forming fists.
So Arobynn pulls the abuse shtick of apologizing again and again for abusing Celery, and I hope to god she isn’t stupid enough to fall for it.
“Every day,” he went on. “Every day since you left, I’ve gone to the temple of Kiva to pray for forgiveness.” She might have snorted at the idea of the King of the Assassins kneeling before a statue of the God of Atonement, but his words were so raw. Was it possible that he actually regretted what he had done?
I swear to fucking god if I have to read Celery forgiving her abuser and handwaving his abuse away I am actually going to Kermit
Father, brother, lover—he’d never really declared himself any of them. Certainly not the lover part, though if Celaena had been another sort of girl, and if Arobynn had raised her differently, perhaps it might have come to that. He loved her like family, yet he put her in the most dangerous positions. He nurtured and educated her, yet he’d obliterated her innocence the first time he’d made her end a life. He’d given her everything, but he’d also taken everything away.
I am actually cringing so hard right now this is a major Yikes. Regardless of how many presents he buys you or if he acts nice sometimes, he’s still an abuser! He still beat the shit out of you and threatened to kick you out of your home if you didn’t get what he wanted!
So yeah Celery decides “oh well I’m not telling him about the gold I have and my plans to leave him” so fuck the Mute Master for giving you all that gold, I guess? Fuck you, Celery, just fuck you.
“Benzo Doneval is coming to Rifthold,” Arobynn said. Celaena cocked her head. She’d heard of Doneval—he was an immensely powerful businessman from Melisande, a country far to the southwest, and one of Adarlan’s newer conquests
Another boring fucker like Lord Berick who probably won’t even make an appearance? Seems likely.
Doneval is friends with a queen of Melisande that surrendered her crown to the King of Adarlan and he’s here to discuss building a trading road to help get some wealth rolling in Melisande.
Doneval also wants to set up a slavery trade in Adarlan, so Arobynn has been hired to take him out. Great. More of using slaves to prop Celery up, I see.
She was beginning to see where this was going. Doneval was practically wrapped in a ribbon for her. All she had to do was find out what time the meeting would take place, learn his defenses, and figure out a way around them.
I cannot wait to see how she fucks up this supposedly easy mission.
And even though there was no excuse in this world for what he had done, Arobynn was all she had. The history that lay between them, dark and twisted and full of secrets, was forged by more than just gold. And if she left him, if she paid off her debts right now and never saw him again …
Yeah, you read that right. Celery forgives her abuser because he raised her. Holy fuck, this is very uncomfortable for personal reasons I’m not going to get into, but just because someone raises you doesn’t mean you owe them shit. Fucking hell, SJM, do you know how humans function? Do you read your own shitty novels before you send them off to be printed?
Celery peaces out of there after lowkey forgiving her abuser which is. sjkhakdhkadhjk.
A passing servant bowed his head, eyes averted. Everyone who worked here knew more or less who she was, and would keep her identity secret on pain of death
But like??? Just???? Why?? Why is this a thing why why why why.
She clenched her hands into fists and was about to whirl and stomp back down the stairs to tell Arobynn that she was leaving and that he no longer owned her, when someone stepped into the elegantly appointed hall.
Sam Cortland.
THERE HE IS THERE’S MY BOY THERE’S MY BOY
I missed Sammy so much holy shit, I can’t believe I’m actually excited to read this book for once. Sammy deserves such a better series.
No missing limbs, no limp, no indication of anything haunting him. His chestnut hair had gotten a little longer, but it suited him. And he was tan—gloriously tan, as if he’d spent the whole summer basking in the sun.
I’m so happy in fact, I barely did more than roll my eyes at the tanning thing. Sammy is here and he’s not maimed or harmed! No doubt that’ll change by the end for Celery’s angst but let me have this while it lasts.
“Are you hurt?” Sam asked quietly, taking another step closer.
It took her a moment to realize that his imagination had probably taken him to a far, far worse place when she said someone had held a blade to her throat.
Please tell me that wasn’t a casual reference to sexual assault. Please tell me.
He was now looking more closely at her, at the almost invisible white line along her cheek—another gift from Ansel—at her hands, at everything. His lean, muscled body tensed. His chest had gotten broader, too.
I love how Sammy was implied to be an average sized dude until SJM decided Celery needs to thirst for him, and then BAM instant broad shouldered buff hottie. This series is so fucking ridiculous we are reaching Twilight levels.
“Sam!” a dark-haired, green-eyed young woman chided, laughter on her lips. “There you—” The girl’s eyes met Celaena’s. Celaena stopped smiling as she recognized her.
Oh great, more fucking girl hate. Listen, I’m not gonna pretend all women are perfect delicate angels who do nothing wrong and that all women get along 100% of the time but I’m sick and tired of all girls in YA not getting along. Why can’t girls just... be friends? Be civil and kind to one another? You know, how it mostly is in real life?
“Lysandra,” Celaena echoed. She’d met Lysandra when they were both ten, and in the seven years that they’d known each other, Celaena couldn’t recall a time when she didn’t want to beat in the girl’s face with a brick.
Oh great, it’s Lysandra to boot. Those who read my E0S know she was a decent character, certainly one who deserved better than to be a love interest for Assdion. Can’t wait for Celery to slut shame her a million times in this novel!
Apparently Lysandra and Celery cat fight all the time and one time Lysandra stole a fan from Celery so she beat the shit out of her. Lovely.
“[Arobynn] invited your future clients here?”
“Oh, no.” Lysandra giggled. “This is just for me and the girls. And Clarisse, of course.” She used her madam’s name, too, like a weapon, a word meant to crush and dominate—a word that whispered: I am more important than you; I have more influence than you; I am everything and you are nothing.
Literally nothing that Lysandra said implied any of that, but go off on how important you supposedly are, Celery. She doesn’t have the brain power to comprehend people’s lives don’t revolve around her.
Lysandra lifted her chin, looking down her delicately freckled nose at Celaena. “My Bidding is in six days. They expect me to break all the records.”
Celaena had seen a few young courtesans go through the Bidding process—girls trained until they were seventeen, when their virginity was sold to the highest bidder.
I know shit like this happened in real life, but the fact that Lysandra is excited about it is.... bleh. I already know SJM is gonna be super fucking tasteless about serious topics like this.
“Sam,” Lysandra went on, putting a slender hand on his arm, “has been so helpful with making sure all the preparations are ready for my Bidding party.”
Celaena was surprised at the swiftness of her desire to rip that hand right off Lysandra’s wrist. Just because he sympathized with the courtesans didn’t mean he had to be so … friendly with them.
Oh, fuck you, Celery. Just because you have a crush on Sammy doesn’t mean he owes you shit. If he wants to be with Lysandra, that’s his right and he has no obligations to return your feelings!!! But no, use it as an excuse to slut shame Lysandra. You fucking piece of shit.
Though Lysandra’s virginity was unquestionable—it had to be—there were plenty of other things that she could still do. Things that she might have done with Sam …
This fucking bitch I swear to god.
1. Way to slut shame and portray it as a good thing if the girl “‘deserves it”“, SJM!
2. So what if Sammy and Lysandra had sex with each other? Sammy has no obligation to like you back or save himself for you. Jesus fucking christ.
Celery runs off to have a cry and literally nobody gives a shit. The end.
Though Celaena hated to admit it, Ansel’s parting claim had felt true. She was spoiled. And selfish.
Self awareness? Eh, I’m not even going to pretend to be surprised. Celery acknowledges she’s a shitty person who does shitty things but she never puts in any effort to grow or change for the better. That’s quite literally the worst kind of character.
The Mute Master tells Celery to talk about her feelings next lesson, so Celery has a decent conversation about being scared to go home and how things will be different. If I cared about her as a character, I might be having some feels right now.
Celery goes back to her room to sleep and Ansel wakes her up and they apologize to one another. On one hand, characters finally being mature and smart! But on the other... what was the point of that brief fling of drama if it gets immediately resolved?
Celaena raised her goblet high before she drank.
As she swallowed a large mouthful of wine, she had two thoughts.
The first was that Ansel’s eyes were now filled with unmasked sorrow.
And the second—which explained the first—was that the wine tasted strange.
But Celaena didn’t have time to consider what poison it was before she heard her own goblet clatter to the floor, and the world spun and went black.
Lmfao, some assassin you are. I know, I know, she was caught off guard because Ansel is her friend, but still.
Next chapter opens up with Celery realizing she and her horse have been dumped into the desert with all of her belongings and a letter of approval from the Master. Ansel has written her a letter that explains that the Master figured it’d be easier letting her go like this than shaming her by asking her to leave early.
Perhaps the Master had also realized that she was spoiled and selfish. Maybe everyone had just been tolerating her, and … maybe they’d heard of her fight with Ansel and decided to send her packing. It wouldn’t surprise her.
Wouldn’t surprise me either tbh, and I don’t blame them for getting sick of your selfish ass. Celery rides off into the desert and then spots an army marching by.
In the distance, at least two hundred men were marching—straight into the desert. Some bore red and black banners. Lord Berick’s men. They marched in a long column, with mounted soldiers galloping along the flanks. Though she had never seen Berick, a quick examination of the host showed no signs of a lord being present. He must have stayed behind.
These characters continue to be baffled that the head honchos of these armies remain behind while they let their men do the fighting and take the brunt force of the enemy, when that’s just how things work? Of course you’re not gonna put yourself or your most prized soldiers on the front lines, the front lines are for death fodder.
So Celery finally puts two and two together and realizes Ansel was the rat in the fortress, and that the letter of approval is blank.
One warrior might not make a difference against two hundred, but she was Celaena Sardothien.That had to count for something. That did count for something.
Unfortunately, after reading this, my eyes rolled so hard they are now stuck in the back of my head. Gonna make reading the rest of this book extremely difficult.
The next chapter begins and Celery makes it to the fortress which is under attack, and even though she leaves her horse behind, she follows Celery anyways. If anything happens to that poor horsey I’m quitting this book.
Celaena hurled herself through the open wooden doors and nearly tripped on the body prostrate between them.
Mikhail lay on his back, his throat slit, eyes staring up at the tiled ceiling. Dead.
How tragic, the guy we barely know. Turns out the Master has been drugged like Celery was.
The Master’s eyes shifted to Celaena’s face, then to his son. They were filled with pain. Not for himself, but for Ilias— for his bleeding boy. He looked back to Celaena’s face, his sea-green eyes now pleading. Save my son.
The Mute Master is a good person and he deserves so much better than this. He deserves to be in a better series where he’s the loving father in law to Sammy and cries happy tears when Ilias and Sammy get married. I’d read that.
Turns out Ansel betrayed them because Lord Berick promised her an army to reclaim her homeland. Hmm. Her betrayal isn’t an asspull because it aligns with her established goals and wants, so at least there’s that.
Ansel offers for Celery to join her so they can rule the Flatlands together.
“I can’t,” Celaena answered, even though she could see Ansel’s plan with perfect clarity—even if it was tempting.
Lmfao so what, do you want to stop Ansel from killing the Master or not? Ansel just explained her plan was to kill the Mute Master and all the assassins there, and Celery is tempted by that idea because...?
Celaena braced her feet against the floor. She’d never known Ansel was so strong—or so much taller than her.
Oh, bullshit. It was never stated before Ansel was some super tall chick, don’t fucking pull this shit now for some cheap tension.
Also Ansel killed Mikhail herself and shows like no remorse, so I’m confused that before she constantly gushing over how much she loved him. Whatever.
Celaena tightened her grip on the sword, willing steel into her veins. Ansel should die; for what she’d done, she deserved to die. And not just for all those assassins lying dead around them, but also for the soldiers who’d spent their lives for her agenda. And for Celaena herself, who, even as she knelt there, felt her heart breaking.
Jesus Christ. You’re upset because one of your friends turned out to be a rat, and that’s just as bad as innocent people dying? Go and fuck yourself, Celery, honestly, fuck you and fuck this shitty ass book.
Celery decides to let Ansel go with the warning that she’ll shoot an arrow at her if she isn’t gone in 20 minutes. Ansel is like “ok” and steps over Mikhail’s body extremely casually, highlighting how fucking pointless that romance subplot was. Really, how fucking pointless and stupid this entire story is.
Sorry this took so long but this book is fucking exhausting
Celaena and Ansel knew their little escapade with the Asterion horses would have consequences. Celaena had at least expected to have enough time to tell a decent lie about how they acquired the horses. But when they returned to the fortress and found Mikhail waiting, along with three other assassins, she knew that word of their stunt had somehow already reached the Master.
But how? Who told him? Who the hell saw them steal the horses and somehow got back to the fortress before them?
So, get this. The Mute Master has them alone in his chambers, no doubt about to get furious at them for pulling such a stunt, right? And then Celery pulls this fucking shit.
And suddenly, as the memory of that day echoed through her, she remembered the words Sam kept screaming at Arobynn as the King of the Assassins beat her, the words that she somehow had forgotten in the fog of pain: I’ll kill you!
You’re about to be possibly kicked out of a training fortress that you need to receive a letter of approval from in order to be allowed home and now you’re suddenly splooging over a guy because he... didn’t want you to be hurt? Like any decent fucking human being? God I fucking hate you, Celery, you stupid piece of shit.
After Celery finishes drooling over Sammy wanting to kill Arobynn for hurting her, she at least has the good sense to take the fall for the idea since this is Ansel’s home and getting in trouble would extremely affect her.
Apparently the Mute Master is fairly chill with them stealing horses and Ansel tells Celery she can go tomorrow for her first private lesson. Jesus Christ, finally, this story is going somewhere.
Their punishment next morning is cleaning animal shit out of the pens.
Another benefit was that they didn’t have to go running. Though after four hours of shoveling animal droppings, Celaena would have begged to take the six-mile run instead.
Not really a benefit then, is it?
Celery goes to the Master’s hangout on the roof for her first lesson.
Celaena cleared her throat again, and the Master finally turned. She bowed, which, strangely, was something she felt he actually deserved, rather than something she ought to do.
Celery learning that diplomacy is a thing?? She really does grow stupider as the books go on, since in E0S she threatens and attempts to stab the people in a political meeting that don’t agree with her viewpoint.
The Mute Master gives her a basket with a snake inside and tells her to observe its movements, so she spends the lesson moving with the snake and copying its movements. It’s actually really cool and more interesting than generic swords training.
SJM describes some more cool training in passing about how Celery has to study the movements of other animals like bats and rabbits. So let me get this straight; a whole page in the market scene was dedicated to Celery crying because she wanted new shoes, and that’s plot important, but you skip over her training which was the whole point of her coming to this place.
I’m.... speechless. Utterly speechless. It isn’t often you see someone fail so badly at all aspects of writing, but SJM has done it. She has officially failed at a basic component of storytelling. And her books are New York bestsellers. Truly, the world isn’t a fair place.
And every day, Celaena went to sleep after lunch and dozed until the sun went down, her dreams full of snakes and rabbits and chirping desert beetles. Sometimes she spotted Mikhail training the acolytes, or found Ilias meditating in an empty training room, but she rarely got the chance to spend time with them.
Ilias I kinda get, but you’ve spoken what, five words to Mikhail? You have no relationship with him lmfao.
There were quiet moments also, when she wasn’t training or toiling with Ansel. Moments when her thoughts drifted back to Sam, to what he’d said. He’d threatened to kill Arobynn. For hurting her.
Ask me if I give a fuck. Seriously, I don’t. I don’t feel this chemistry at all and I’m dreading when we return to Arobynn’s assassin joint and we have to read multiple paragraphs of Celery splooging over how hot Sammy is.
Next chapter opens up with Celery putting make up on Ansel because it’s apparently her birthday.
“What?” Ansel said.
Celaena shook her head. “You’re going to have to wash it all off.”
“Why?”
“Because you look better than I do.”
Ansel pinched Celaena’s arm. Celaena pinched her back, laughter on her lips.
Girls being friends? Pure and wholesome. Too bad SJM ruins it immediately after with this.
She hadn’t even dared ask the Master for her letter yet. But more than that … Well, she’d never had a female friend—never really had any friends—and somehow, the thought of returning to Rifthold without Ansel was a tad unbearable.
Hmm... it does raise the eyebrows a little that Ansel is super masculine and a “stronk female character’ like Celery and she is the only girl Celery has ever considered as a friend.......almost as if... it’s sexist towards girls who aren’t masculine like Celery.....hm...
At the party people are dancing with no music, which is whack af to Celery.
Though she loved, loved, loved parties, Celaena would have rather spent the night training with the Master. (...) But he’d insisted she go to the party—if only because he wanted to go to the party. The old man danced to a rhythm Celaena could not hear or make out, and looked more like someone’s benevolent, clumsy grandfather than the master of some of the world’s greatest assassins.
Hey, you leave him alone. He’s one of the few good characters in this shitty ass story, and if he wants to dance like an old grandpa, then let him.
Celery sees Ansel dancing with Mikhail and makes it all about her own feefees for Sammy, as usual.She gushes over how Sammy is totally in love with her and how she totally busts a nut every time he looks at her or some stupid shit like that.
Someone touched her shoulder, and Celaena looked up from her empty wine goblet to find Ilias standing behind her. She hadn’t seen much of him in the past few days, aside from at dinner, where he still glanced at her and gave her those lovely smiles. He offered his hand.
Poor Ilias, man. Obviously Celery doesn’t owe him anything, but.... you deserve someone so much better, Ilias. Imagine if it were Sammy here instead of Celery. I want that fanfic, someone write it.
Ilias and Celery eventually ditch the party since Celery’s feet hurt from dancing.
What would he say—that is, if he could speak—if he knew that Adarlan’s Assassin had never been kissed? She’d killed men, freed slaves, stolen horses, but she’d never kissed anyone.
God, we’re really going there, aren’t we... god I’m so tired....
First off, good job on shaming any older teenagers because they’ve never kissed someone before, as if that makes them weirdos. Makes me feel fucking amazing as an 18 y/o who hasn’t kissed anyone yet. Thanks, SJM.
Second, who gives a shit?? In fact, Celery, you have a good excuse for not kissing anyone; you’re an assassin. If you told Ilias, he’s probably just assume you’re too busy with work to settle down with someone. Like, do you think he’s really gonna make fun of you for not having kissed anyone before? Does SJM know how human beings function????
Anyways, Ilias does try to kiss Celery, but immediately stops when she backs away. Man, a male character who respects boundaries?? In MY SJM book?? Never thought I’d see the day.
“I—I can’t. I mean, I’m leaving in a week. And … and you live here. And I’m in Rifthold, so …” She was babbling. She should stop. Actually, she should just stop talking. Forever.
You really should. Sadly, Celery doesn’t take her own advice.
Ilias is just like, “whatever, that’s cool fam,” and goes to his room. I can’t believe SJM is making me praise a character for respecting personal boundaries but holy shit, that’s how low the bar is with her characters.
Alone in the hallway, Celaena watched the shadows cast by the torches. It hadn’t been the mere impossibility of a relationship with Ilias that had made her pull away.
No; it was the memory of Sam’s face that had stopped her from kissing him.
First off, that semicolon is making me wince when a comma would’ve sufficed better, so jot that down. Second, unghhhh I don’t care, I don’t give a shit about Celery’s sudden crush on Sammy! He deserves someone who will treat him right!
Ansel arrives late next morning to shoveling shit duty because she slept with Mikhail. Again, ask me if I give a fuck.
Out of the blue, Ansel gets all pissy and jealous of Celery training with the Mute Master. It’s so literally out of nowhere and so obviously shoehorned in just so there can be conflict. SJM looking up basic writing tips and was like, ‘Oh shit, my story has no conflict and I need a falling out before the final climax! Uhhh Ansel is mad at Celery, yeah okay.”
Celaena’s throat tightened, and she cursed herself for feeling so hurt by the words. She didn’t think the Master felt that way at all, but she still hissed, “Yes, my glorious fate. Shoveling dung in a barn. A worthy task for me.”
“But certainly a worthy task for a girl from the Flatlands?”
“I didn’t say that,” Celaena said through her teeth. “Don’t put words in my mouth.”
Jesus Christ, Ansel, I think I hate you almost as much as I hate Celery. Ansel is one of those fucking assholes who twists around words of others and reblogs someones post with a shitty “So you’re basically saying you hate all of (x) people, are you OP?” guilt trip.
Celery is like ‘whatever, nobody cares about you reclaiming your shitty homeland even though it has nothing to do with our conversation and I only brought it up because the author wants us to hate each other now” and Ansel stomps off. Riveting Drama, this is, these characters are so well developed! I totally care about how this conflict will resolve itself!
I’m sick of The Assassin’s Blade and I just saw the news that SJM released some Kingdom of Ass content, so I’m gonna review the new excerpt just for you guys. Let’s fucking do this, SJM.
The Prince
This is the title to the... prologue of K0A, I assume? It’s sad that I had to pause and think of who this was referring to considering almost every main character in T0G is royalty.
He had been hunting for her since the moment she was taken from him.
His mate.
Yay, if it isn’t our beloved Rowboat! /s
Also love how ~his mate~ is supposed to be all dramatic and omg so epic11 but like, it’s such a dumb fucking word to use for romantic partners. “His wife” would work so much better and wouldn’t sound as stupid as his mate.
He barely remembered his own name. And only recalled it because his three companions spoke it while they searched for her across violent and dark seas, through ancient and slumbering forests, over storm-swept mountains already buried in snow.
1. Why can’t he remember his own name? Is he suffering short term memory loss?
2. Who the fuck are his three companions? I assume it’ll be explained in the novel, but if you’re releasing an excerpt for people to read and get hyped to buy the full novel, you can’t leave us confused and unclear. At least just namedrop them or give us some indication as to who they are.
3. Holy dramatic prose, Batman! Yeah yeah I know SJM is trying to show us what lengths Rowboat is going to in an attempt to find his wife fuck you I’m not saying mate but this is so melodramatic and reeks of shitty prose.
He stopped long enough to feed his body and allow his companions a few hours of sleep. Were it not for them, he would have flown off, soared far and wide.
Please do. In fact, soar so far away you never fucking come back.
But he would need the strength of their blades and magic, would need their cunning and wisdom before this was through.
Before he faced the dark queen who had torn into his innermost self, stealing his mate long before she had been locked in an iron coffin.
This writing is sooo bad holy fuck, it’s just confusing and choppy. Also, the dark queen is Maeve... how did she supposedly steal Alien before she locked her into the iron coffin? I guess it’s just ~2deep4u~ symbolism or some garbage.
So he stayed with his companions, even as the days passed. Then the weeks.
Then months.
Still he searched. Still he hunted for her on every dusty and forgotten road.
I hope to god this doesn’t imply a huge time skip between E0S and K0A. The world is trapped in a war rn, you can’t be cutting away from this shit, SJM! A lot can happen in war in a few months especially if a major player such as Alien has vanished from the main roster!
And sometimes, he spoke along the bond between them, sending his soul on the wind to wherever she was held captive, entombed.
I will find you.
Remember how in E0S, that “nameless is my price” quote was repeated literally hundreds of times because SJM thinks shoehorning in a quote again and again makes it meaningful? I can already tell it’s gonna be like that for “I will find you” in K0A.
The Princess
Second part of the prologue (???) I find it odd that Alien is The Princess now considering all her ass kissers made it very clear in E0S that they considered her a queen.
The iron smothered her. It had snuffed out the fire in her veins, as surely as if the flames had been doused.
This sentence is redundant, as surely as redundant as a sentence could be.
She could hear the water, even in the iron box, even with the iron mask and chains adorning her like ribbons of silk.
This imagery is very odd. I think SJM wants us to picture how painful and tight her chains are, but ribbons of silk makes me think of very soft and comforting textures. If she’s tied up with silk, her torture surely can’t be that bad!
So in case it isn’t obvious, Alien is still trapped in the iron coffin. Nothing happens in this scene per say, it’s just Alien vomiting up exposition and 2deep4u feelings, so let’s examine what we have.
A sliver of island in the heart of a mist-veiled river, little more than a smooth slab of rock amid the rapids and falls. That’s where they’d put her. Stored her. In a stone temple built for some forgotten god.
So like... what was Maeve’s goal? She just wants Alien to suffer? She’s not trying to torture her for information, use her as hostage or bait for anyone? Is Maeve just going to be a 1 dimensional baddie so we can splooge over how tortured and pained Alien is?
As she would likely be forgotten. It was better than the alternative: to be remembered for her utter failure. If there would be anyone left to remember her. If there would be anyone left at all.
The choppiness of the paragraphs makes me cringe. Doing this once or twice for emphasize is a-okay, it’s one of my favorite writing tools to use, but holy shit not every paragraph!!! Was this book edited?
She would not allow it. That failure.
She would not tell them what they wished to know.
So, is them referring to Maeve and her goonies? What is Maeve trying to get out of her? The Wyrdkeys are not brought up at all in this section, so idk what else Maeve would want from Alien?
“But Liv!” I hear you cry. “This is just an excerpt! Surely the final book will hold all the answers!”
Well, my friend my pal my home slice bread slice dawg, for one you have waaaaay too much confidence in SJM. For another, this excerpt was deliberately chosen to serve as a preview for the novel to get readers invested. We should be intrigued by what secrets the books have to offer, not blatantly given shit out of context that makes literally no sense and hurts to read.
She had tried to keep track of the days.
But she did not know how long they had kept her in that iron box. How long they had forced her to sleep, lulled into oblivion by the sweet smoke they’d poured in while they traveled here.
I’m side eyeing SJM super hard here. I s2g if K0A starts with a huge ass time skip...
Days, months, years - they bled together, as her own blood often slithered over the stone floor and into the river itself
Also also, if she’s bleeding that much, how the fuck is she not dead? Immortal Fae queen yeah yeah whatever, but the Fae still bleed and can die from blood loss, as Rowboat clearly showed when he was shot in Q0S. Unless Maeve is regularly taking Alien out of her iron coffin to heal her wounds, Alien should be dead by now. This is such bullshit.
A princess who was to live for a thousand years. Longer.
That had been her gift. It was now her curse.
That last bit is about us. We’re the ones who have to suffer the no doubt countless sequels that will be written to milk this franchise dry.
She wondered if that goddess of light and flame even cared that she now lay trapped within the iron box - or if the immortal had transferred her attentions to another. To the king who might offer himself in her stead and in yielding his life, spare their world.
Who is this king guy she’s thinking of? Dorito? Can’t be Rowboat, he’s a prince and even if Alien pulled some last minute bullshit by marrying him, that doesn’t make Rowboat a king. He’d still be a prince since Alien is the ruling head of the kingdom.
The gods did not care who paid the debt. So she knew they would not come for her, save her. So she did not bother praying to them.
It’s me. I’m the gods. It’s a metaphor, you see, because I wouldn’t give Alien the dirt off the bottom of my shoe.
Down she would drift, deep into that darkness, into the sea of flame. Down so deep that when the whip cracked, when bone sundered, she sometimes did not feel it.
Most times she did.
Ask me if I give a fuck. Also if iron resists magic, how come Alien can reach into her well of magic in the coffin, hmmm? Why doesn’t she shit out a firestorm to escape?
It was during those infinite hours that she would fix her stare on her companion.
Not the queen’s hunter, who could draw out pain like a musician coaxing a melody from an instrument. But the massive white wolf, chained by invisible bonds. Forced to witness this.
Massive white wolf? Who is this referring to? Is it... Fenrys? Tbh I forget what happened to him so it may very well be.
A prince of ice and wind. A prince who had been hers, and she his. Long before the bond between their souls became known to them.
Weeks ago I might have been beyond pissed because Dorito was the prince of ice, but now they’re both fuckbois who I would gleefully watch die slow and painful deaths.
The dark queen with a spider’s smile tried to wield it against her.
SJM actually doesn’t know how words work. I cannot call her a writer anymore; she just bashes her forehead against the keyboard and publishes it, claiming it to be fantasy.
Spiders. Don’t. Smile. First fish teeth, and now fucking this???? A snake’s smile or something would’ve been better or anything but fucking “”a spider’s smile”” I’m hsdfaskhfjka
So she told herself the story. The darkness and the flame deep within her whispered it, too, and she sang it back to them. Locked in that coffin hidden on an island within the heart of a river, the princess recited the story, over and over, and let them unleash an eternity of pain upon her body.
I don’t care bye.
This excerpt is shit and suddenly I’m beginning to appreciate TAB. We’ll return to your regularly scheduled programming next time.
I got nothing lads. This book is draining me of my soul.
Celaena lay on her cloak, trying to imagine that the sand was her down mattress in Rifthold, and that she wasn’t completely exposed to the elements in the middle of the desert. The last thing she needed was to wake up with a scorpion in her hair.
Stop teasing me with ways to kill Celery’s ass off, SJM.
“I’ve got sand in every crevice of my body,” Celaena muttered, squirming as she felt it grind against her skin. (...)
“Are you sure you’re Celaena Sardothien? Because I don’t think she’d actually be this fussy. I bet she’s used to roughing it.”
Holy shit, this is... self awareness? Ansel calling Celery out on being a useless dumbass? I am so baffled. Is SJM trolling us at this point, or does she just. genuinely not understand how terrible her characters are?
Ansel blathers on about the witches and their queens or whatnot, which just makes me yearn for the Manon POVs in E0S (the first half, anyways). I truly took them for granted :’(
Ansel let out a low hiss. “Some witches, like the Crochans, were gifted with ethereal beauty. But the Ironteeth Clans have iron teeth, sharp as a fish’s.
There’s that stupid fish teeth comparison again. I have no problem with repeated phrases in a book series (as long as you know, they’re not repeated every other five pages in each book) but this is just... dumb.
Ansel says that one of her childhood friends was eaten by a witch when she was little, which is so boring and non-important I’m skipping it, then they go to sleep. The next morning they go to their destination which is in the market place.
Many people stopped to stare at her red hair and matching eyes, but Ansel took it in stride. Even without her armor, she was stunning. Celaena tried not to think about how few people bothered to notice her.
I don’t give a flying fuck about Celery’s feefees over not getting any special attention I do not!!!!! give a single fuck!!!!!!! I am going to rip this stupid book in half once I’m done reading it.
Ansel won’t let Celery actually go with her to meet with some dude, so she leaves her stranded in the middle of a busy marketplace. Lmao.
In Rifthold, she had a line of credit at all her favorite stores,
you fucking wot m8
There were a few hired guards standing around the covered wagon, and a tall, lean man stood behind the table displayed in front of it. But it wasn’t the guards or the man or his wagon that grabbed her attention.
No, it was what was on his table that knocked the breath from her and made her curse her too-light money purse.
Spidersilk.
Oh hey, that thing that was used later with the witches.... cool. I’ll take it over an asspull plot twist any day, tbh.
There were legends about the horse-sized stygian spiders that lurked in the woods of the Ruhnn Mountains of the north, spinning their thread for hefty costs. Some said they offered it in exchange for human flesh; others claimed the spiders dealt in years and dreams, and could take either as payment.
Damn, those giant spiders sound waaaay cooler than the shitty Fae in later novels. Why can’t this book be about them? Honestly, I ask myself that far too often when reading these novels.
Celery chats with the guy who has the Spidersilk and it’s just nothing worth noting, so I’m skimming through the details.
She raised her chin. “I turned seventeen two weeks ago.” And what a miserable birthday that had been. Trudging across the desert with no one to celebrate with except her recalcitrant guide, who just patted her shoulder when she announced it was her birthday. Horrible.
SJM expects me to feel sorry for this bitch. That’s cute.
The dude reveals that some of the silent assassins secretly work for Lord Berick.
But Celaena tucked the information away for later. Were some of the Silent Assassins actually working for Berick? Perhaps that was why Ansel had insisted on keeping the meeting so secret—maybe the Master didn’t want the names of the suspected traitors getting out.
So yeah, it’s pretty obvious Ansel is more than likely one of those traitors, but of course Celery doesn’t even consider this because of...reasons. Considering the possibility of such a thing would require for her brain to work, and as we all know, Celery doesn’t own a functioning brain.
Celery tells the guy to ask Arobynn for her if he ever needs her services, so he gives her some Spidersilk.
“A reminder of what?” She shut the lid and tucked the small box into the inner pocket of her white tunic.
The merchant smiled sadly. “That everything has a price.”
A phantom pain flashed through her face. “I know,” she said, and left.
Oh, it’s just like I’m a young teenager reading this for the first time puzzling over what this meant, not knowing the shitstorm that awaited me in later novels. Truly, they were easier times!
Ansel shows up later to drag Celery over to a pen where there are some horses. Apparently the horses belong to Lord Berick, so Ansel and Celery steal them and leave, ending the chapter. Very little is happening now, but I’ll take it over the pile of dogshit that were the previous two chapters.
Next chapter, Ansel and Celery ride into the desert being chased by guards.
And just like that, the dunes parted to reveal the turquoise expanse of the Gulf of Oro. The cool sea breeze kissed her face, and Celaena leaned into it, almost moaning with pleasure.
Maybe a nitpick, but am I the only one completely weirded out when “moaning with pleasure” is used for shit like this? Like, when people describe a character moaning when they eat good food it’s so baffling to me because it’s giving me a mental image of sexual pleasure, but they’re just eating food?? Is Celery having an orgasm rn because there’s a cool breeze?
Ansel cut away, surging toward the dunes and the giant wall of rock that arose nearby. The Desert Cleaver, if Celaena knew her geography correctly—which she did, as she’d studied maps of the Deserted Land for weeks now.
I find it very hard to believe entitled Celery who thinks everything should just be handed to her on a silver platter would devote so much time to studying and working.
A narrow opening in the wall of red rock appeared, twisting away from sight. Ansel headed straight toward it. How dare she make such a reckless, stupid decision without consulting Celaena first?
You mean like Alien does later in E0S? Holy shit, this just emphasizes how little SJM plans things out for her books. Her characters actually lose development and intelligence as the series progresses. That is actually fucking hilarious and I’ve never seen the likes of it in any other shitty YA series. Holy smokes.
Though the guards still remained a good distance away, they were close enough for Celaena to see the weapons, including longbows, strapped to them.
But I bet they’re not going to use them, like the guards from E0S that didn’t use their crossbows, because of plot reasons.
They outrun the guards and Celery punches Ansel then they stop for the night. Lmao at how much shit was crammed in the previous chapters but these ones are just... nothing.
Apparently Ansel lied to the Mute Master about her backstory. Her old home was ravaged by some Lord Loch dude and all of her family was killed so she ended up training with the silent assassins for revenge or something. Ansel is just a not quite as shitty Celery clone, so I have little reason to care about her.
Celaena hadn’t realized she was crying until she tried to take a deep breath. Saying that she was sorry didn’t feel adequate. She knew what this sort of loss was like, and words didn’t do anything at all.
Oh my god fuck off Celery, Ansel isn’t telling you her backstory for you to feel sorry about your own poor feefees, literally no one gives a shit about you. Please, take a hike off the nearest cliff and spare me the agony of having to think about you anymore.
Celery and Ansel talk about how all men are evil and shit and then the chapter ends. Fuck this stupid fucking bullshit. This might actually be worse than E0S. That’s right, I said it, don’t @ me.
Why "doing something relaxing” does not help your anxiety
A lot of the time when people give advice intended to relieve anxiety, they suggest doing “relaxing” things like drawing, painting, knitting, taking a bubble bath, coloring in one of those zen coloring books, or watching glitter settle to the bottom of a jar.
This advice is always well-intentioned, and I’m not here to diss people who either give it or who benefit from it. But it has never, ever done shit for me, and this is because it goes about resolving anxiety in the completely wrong way.
THE WORST THING YOU CAN DO when suffering from anxiety is to do a “relaxing” thing that just enables your mind to dwell and obsess more on the thing that’s bothering you. You need to ESCAPE from the dwelling and the obsession in order to experience relief.
You can drive to a quiet farm, drive to the beach, drive to a park, or anywhere else, but as someone who has tried it all many, many times, trust me–it’s a waste of gas. You will just end up still sad and stressed, only with sand on your butt. You can’t physically escape your sadness. Your sadness is inside of you. To escape, you need to give your brain something to play with for a while until you can approach the issue with a healthier frame of mind.
People who have anxiety do not need more time to contemplate, because we will use it to contemplate how much we suck.
In fact, you could say that’s what anxiety is–hyper-contemplating. When we let our minds run free, they run straight into the thorn bushes. Our minds are already running, and they need to be controlled. They need to be given something to do, or they’ll destroy everything, just like an overactive husky dog ripping up all the furniture.
Therefore, I present to you:
THINGS YOU SHOULD NOT DO WHEN ANXIOUS
–Go on a walk
–Watch a sunset, watch fish in an aquarium, watch glitter, etc.
–Go anywhere where the main activity is sitting and watching
–Draw, color, do anything that occupies the hands and not the mind
–Do yoga, jog, go fishing, or anything that lets you mentally drift
–Do literally ANYTHING that gives you great amounts of mental space to obsess and dwell on things.
THINGS YOU SHOULD DO WHEN ANXIOUS:
–Do a crossword puzzle, Sudoku, or any other mind teaser game. Crosswords are the best.
–Write something. It doesn’t have to be a masterpiece. Write the Top 10 Best Restaurants in My City. Rank celebrities according to Best Smile. Write some dumb Legolas fanfiction and rip it up when you’re done. It’s not for publication, it’s a relief exercise that only you will see.
–Read something, watch TV, or watch a movie–as long as it’s engrossing. Don’t watch anything which you can run as background noise (like, off the top of my head, Say Yes to The Dress.) As weird as it seems, American Horror Story actually helps me a lot, because it sucks me in.
–Masturbate. Yes, I’m serious. Your mind has to concentrate on the mini-movie it’s running. It can’t run Sexy Titillating Things and All The Things That are Bothering Me at the same time. (…I hope. If it can, then…ignore this one.)
–Do math problems—literally, google “algebra problems worksheet” and solve them. If you haven’t done math since 7th grade this will really help you. I don’t mean with math, I mean with the anxiety.
–Play a game or a sport with someone that requires great mental concentration. Working with 5 people to get a ball over a net is a challenge which will require your brain to turn off the Sadness Channel.
–Play a video game, as long as it’s not something like candy crush or Tetris that’s mindless.
THINGS YOU SHOULD DO DURING PANIC ATTACKS ESPECIALLY:
–List the capitals of all the U.S. states
–List the capitals of all the European countries
–List all the shapes you can see. Or all the colors.
–List all the blonde celebrities you can think of.
–Pull up a random block of text and count all the As in it, or Es or whatever.
Now obviously, I am not a doctor. I am just an anxious person who has tried almost everything to help myself. I’ve finally realized that the stuff people recommend never works because this is a disorder that thrives on free time and free mental space. When I do the stuff I listed above, I can breathe again. And I hope it helps someone here too.
(Now this shouldn’t have to be said but if the “do nots” work for you then by all means do them. They’ve just never worked for me.)
SJM either cuts one measly scene into three chapters or crams 100+ long scenes into on chapter so this one is gonna be super fucking long
Celaena dressed in the nicest tunic she’d brought—which wasn’t really anything to admire, but the midnight blue and gold did bring out the turquoise hues in her eyes.
SJM gotta stop bringing attention to Celery’s Mary Sue eyes because I laugh every time I think about them.
Ansel takes Celery to dinner.
Staying alert as they entered the hall was an effort of will. Yet even with her exhaustion, she instinctively scanned the room. There were three exits—the giant doors through which they entered, and two servants’ doors on either end. The hall was packed wall-to-wall with long wooden tables and benches full of people. At least seventy of them in total. None of them looked at Celaena as Ansel ambled toward a table near the front of the room. If they knew who she was, they certainly didn’t care. She tried not to scowl.
This paragraph right here. This sums up everything wrong with this book.
At first while I was reading this, I was like “Yes finally!! Celery is acting like an assassin! It took us two short stories to get here, but we finally did!” And then SJM immediately ruins it by having Celery cry and wail about nobody giving her special attention.
Boo fucking hoo! You’re an assassin, you’re not supposed to stand out, you fucking spoiled asshole!! This character is utter garbage and I hate her so much, this is actually making me enjoy the ending of E0S where she gets the shit kicked out of her and shoved into an iron coffin. Fuck her. Fuck this book.
Ansel mentions some Lord Berick guy, who Celery has never heard of before.
“He’s the villain,” said a curly-haired, dark-eyed man across from Ansel. He was handsome in a way, but had a smile far too much like Captain Rolfe’s for Celaena’s liking. He couldn’t have been older than twenty-five.
Nuance who?
Ansel blathers on about Lord Berick and how he’s the most Evil Guy Ever who wants this part of the desert or some shit. No doubt Celery will beat him in one paragraph if they meet, so who really cares.
Outside of the markets in Rifthold (...) she’d never seen such a mix of different kingdoms and continents. And though most of the people here were trained killers, there was an air of peace and contentment—of joy, even.
This place is way tf better than Arobynn’s shitty assassin joint. Please let us stay here?
Vows of silence, Ansel had explained earlier, were taken for as long as each person saw fit. Some spent weeks in silence; others, years. Ansel claimed she’d once sworn to be silent for a month, and had only lasted two days before she gave up. She liked talking too much. Celaena didn’t have any trouble believing that.
That is quite fucking rich coming from you, Celery.
Celaena felt someone’s attention on her, and tried not to blink when she noticed a dark-haired, handsome young man watching her from a few seats down. Stealing glances at her was more like it, since his sea-green eyes kept darting to her face, then back to his companions.
oh no
Their eyes met, and his tan face spread into a smile, revealing dazzlingly white teeth. Well, he was certainly desirable—as desirable as Sam, maybe.
oh god no why this
SJM has basically skipped out on love triangles (Dorito never had a chance in T0G and Tamlin never had a chance in AC0TAR, and you all know it) but nope, she just had to hit all of the shitty YA tropes. Fucking great. Poor Ilias is probably gonna be put down so Celery can realize Sammy is her one true love.
“I’m surprised you caught Ilias’s eye,” Ansel teased, keeping her voice low enough for only Celaena and Mikhail to hear. “He’s usually too focused on his training and meditating to notice anyone—even pretty girls.”
(...)
“I’ve known him for years, and he’s never been anything but aloof with me,” Ansel continued. “But maybe he has a thing for blondes.” Mikhail snorted.
Holy shit, is this... self awareness? I mean, both the protagonists of SJM’s big ticket series are skinny blonde white girls who have men drooling left and right for them. I bet that new Creamcheese City novel will also feature a blonde “””strong female character””” as the lead.
Celaena pushed around the food on her plate. It wasn’t that she wasn’t romantic. She’d been infatuated with a few men before—from Archer, the young male courtesan who’d trained with them for a few months when she was thirteen, to Ben, Arobynn’s now-deceased Second, back when she was too young to really understand the impossibility of such a thing.
Dude he’s like a fucking adult and she’s barely 16. Get this nasty shit outta my face. So Celery rescued Ben’s body not because he was a good guy, but because she used to have the hots for him?? This is actually gross.
Mikhail asks why Celery’s master beat the shit out of her, and she kisses her own ass for a moment or two while telling the story of freeing the slaves.
“But if the two hundred slaves that I freed are telling the story, then no, I suppose I didn’t deserve it.”
None of them were smiling anymore. “Holy gods,” Ansel whispered. True silence fell over their table for a few heartbeats.
HFAKHDKAHDKAHDS I AM GOING TO LOSE MY SHIT
STOP!! MAKING!! EVERYONE!! SPLOOGE!! OVER!! CELERY!! IM SICK OF READING IT GET IT OUT OF MY FACE
The next day (I think?), Ansel takes Celery out to do some running and Celery is pissy that she isn’t immediately getting special attention from the Mute Master. Good to see Celery will never change in her selfish, whiny ways.
Celery fucking sucks at the run to the oasis and everyone continues to lap her.
A small oasis, mostly a ring of trees and a giant pool fed by a shimmering stream, was barely an eighth of a mile away.
She was Adarlan’s Assassin—at least she’d made it here.
Stop reminding me she’s Adaran’s Assassin, I fucking know. Remember how I said at the beginning that Celery doesn’t splooge over herself as much as Alien does? Yeah I take it back, Celery is even more obnoxious.
Later on Ansel tries to stroke Celery’s fragile precious little ego by saying she did worse on her first run.
“My first run, I collapsed. Mile two. Completely unconscious. Ilias found me on his way back and carried me here. In his arms and everything.” Ilias’s eyes met with Celaena’s, and he smiled at her. “If I hadn’t been about to die, I would have been swooning,”
No Ilias/Ansel/Celery love triangle, please.
Celaena blushed, suddenly too aware of Ilias’s attention, and took a sip from her cup of lemon water. As the meal wore on, her blush remained as Ilias continued flicking his eyes toward her.
She tried not to preen too much. But then she remembered how miserably she’d performed today— how she hadn’t even gotten a chance to train—and the swagger died a bit.
Celaena made her best attempt to look casual as she, too, stood and bid everyone good night. As she turned away, she noticed that Mikhail took Ansel’s hand and held it in the shadows beneath the table.
Apparently Ansel and Mikhail are a thing? I literally don’t care. Mikhail has said like what, five words this entire story? They’re literally just together because SJM can’t stand the idea of having any single characters (unless they’re evil).
Celery chases down The Master to demand her special snowflake treatment.
The Master paused, his white clothes rustling around him. He offered her a little smile. Up close, she could certainly see his resemblance to his son. There was a pale line around one of his fingers— perhaps where a wedding ring had once been. Who was Ilias’s mother?
Of course, it wasn’t at all the time for questions like that.
Yeah, no shit Celery. Why are you such an idiot?
The Mute Master is like “wait your turn” and leaves. Ilias shows up for shipping fuel I guess?
“I have no plans to hurt him,” she said softly. But Ilias gave her a half smile, his brows rising as if to ask if she could blame him for being protective of his father.
Maybe I’m a softie, but this endeared me to him somewhat. He seems like a nice guy, which is more than what you get with 95% if SJM’s male characters. How come all of Celery’s love interests Rowboat who are waaay better characters than her?
His eyes were vivid in the torchlight, his hand firm and warm around hers. She let go of his fingers. The son of the Mute Master and the protégée of the King of the Assassins. If there was anyone here who was at all similar to her, she realized, it was Ilias. Rifthold might be her realm, but this was his.
Human brain: don’t get attached, Celery is an asshole
Monkey brain: hhhhhh parallels between partners in a ship...love....
Not that Ilias and Celery are/will be a thing, but you know. I’m a sucker for shit like this.
Ilias suddenly began making a series of motions with his long, tan fingers, but Celaena laughed softly. “I have no idea what you’re trying to say.”
Ilias looked skyward and sighed through his nose. Throwing his hands in the air in mock defeat, he merely patted her on the shoulder before passing by
Ilias is a good, pure boy. I’d read a story where Sammy goes to the desert instead of Celery and him and Ilias fall in love and hold hands under the shade of the desert night. Hngh, I really wish I could be reading that fanfic instead of this novel.
As she walked back to her room, Celaena had a horrible feeling that here, being Adarlan’s Assassin might not count for much.
Celery says this like we’re supposed to feel sorry for her, but back in Arobynn;s Assassin joint she flaunts her title around and rubs it in everyone’s face so yeah, you don’t get sympathy from me.
“How long have you been seeing him?”
Ansel was silent for a long moment before answering. “Since I was fifteen.”
Fifteen! Mikhail was in his midtwenties, so even if this had started almost three years ago, he still would have been far older than Ansel. It made her a little queasy.
Oh. My. God.
See, I personally don’t like huge age gapes in ships (that’s just my personal preference, don’t fucking @ me) but Celery you literally said earlier you were in love with Ben, a fucking grown man, when you were a young teenager you fucking hypocrite!!!!!!!! God I fucking hate Celery!!!!!!!
With nothing else to distract her, Celaena eventually returned to thinking about Sam. Even weeks later, she had no idea how she’d somehow gotten attached to him, what he’d been shouting when Arobynn beat her, and why Arobynn had thought he’d need three seasoned assassins to restrain him that day.
Pretty simple answers. You got attached to Sammy because a) SJM wanted you to so she forced you to start thirsting for him, and b) you realized “oh hey Sammy is a good guy maybe I shouldn’t imagine myself slitting his throat”. What Sammy was shouting will be revealed later to my knowledge, and as for the 3 assassins thing... idk, tbh. I mean, Sammy is just a teenager boy, one big buff assassin should be enough to restrain him.
This chapter finally ends thank fucking god. We still have one more to go for today.
[Celaena] did run farther the next day. And the day after that, and the one following that. But it still took her so long to get back that she didn’t have time to seek out the Master. Not that she could. He’d send for her. Like a lackey.
Stop trying to make me feel bad for Celery being ignored if she’s just gonna splooge about how ~special and uhmayzing~ she is.
Like the assassins in Adarlan, the Silent Assassins weren’t known for any skill in particular—save the uncannily quiet way they moved.
That seems kinda odd. Assassins should be talented at many ways of disposing of people yeah, but wouldn’t it make more sense for some of them to have a knack for a certain type of killing, such as using poisons?
Still, even as [the assassins] corrected her posture and showed her new ways to control her breathing, she tried her best not to snarl at them. She knew plenty—she wasn’t Adarlan’s Assassin for nothing.
If I have to read that fucking sentence one more time I am ripping this book in half. No joke, I am a hair’s length away from not finishing this fucking book. Even E0S never got me to want to throw the towel in completely and quit like this.
Perhaps if she demonstrated that she was skilled enough in these practices, the Master might take notice of her.
She’d get that letter. Even if she had to hold a dagger to his throat while he wrote it.
Wow, asshole! You have to put in the tiniest amount of effort to learn and talk to people and you’re already resorting to violence??? You really are a weak and stupid protagonist and I hate you with every fiber of my being.
The attack by Lord Berick happened on her fifth night.
This made me sit up in my seat, to be honest. We finally get.... plot? Promises of action? Assassins versus assassins? Holy shit, I’m hype!
Apparently the attack happens oh so conveniently when the Mute Master and a bunch of assassins are away on a mission. Celery acknowledges this as extremely convenient, which leads me to believe there may be a rat in the assassin fortress. If not, then this is laughably stupid and convenient.
“We’re not going to kill [the soldiers]?” Celaena whispered back. (...)
Ansel shook her head, watching Ilias down the line. “No, though I wish we could.” Celaena didn’t particularly care for the casual way she said it
Why would that fucking bother you?? Don’t act all high and mighty asshole, you’re an assassin the same as her. You both kill people for a living. Jesus fucking christ.
They all fire some burning arrows at an oil ridge in the sand or something which scares off Lord Berick’s goons. The scene ends.
I’m not even joking, this entire scene takes up a page and a tiny paragraph of another. I... I’m fucking speechless. You promise us an action scene and you give us this shitty, glossed over pile of garbage that serves no point? No named characters were even injured!!!!!! Holy fucking shit, SJM, you are a terrible terrible terrible writer! Please fucking stop, I can’t handle any more of these dumpster fires of novels.
The next day Mikail tells Ansel she has orders to go to Xandria, and she invites Celery to go along with, I assume Xandria is a place.....? This chapter ends. I am going to drown myself in chocolate chip cookies to heal.
