College classes are actually less torture than reading this book.
Crouched in the shadows of a gargoyle the following afternoon, Celaena shifted her numb legs and groaned softly. She usually opted to wear a mask, but with the rain, it would have limited her vision even further. Going without, though, made her feel somewhat exposed.
Oh god this mask bullshit again. I’ll spare y’all an angry rant just go read the first few chapter reviews of this book if you need a refresher on why it’s fucking stupid.
Celery and Sammy are spying on the rental house of the guy she’s been ordered to kill. Pretty standard stuff; they actually act by assassins by noting the time the guards change shifts and where Doneval does all his business.
Sam let out a breathy laugh, his eyes still on the house. They were silent for a few minutes. At last, he said, “So, the Mute Master’s son …”
She almost groaned.
It feels dirty agreeing with Celery, but. Sammy. Dude. It’s not the time for that shit. Being jealous is a human flaw we can’t help, but please don’t make Sammy a possessive creep like Celery.
Luckily SJM is smart enough to not go down that path and they both confirm nothing romantic happened between them and anyone else that summer.
“Sometimes I think so, too. Certainly made my life more interesting. I wonder, though—if I’m helping you, does it mean I get to be your Second when you run the Assassins’ Guild? Or does it just mean that I can boast that the famed Celaena Sardothien finally finds me worthy?”
Does Sammy know I would die for him? Does he know that I love him? Does he
A bodyguard leaves the rental place and Sammy/Celery follow him.
It was easy to spot [the bodyguard] in the crowd, even as they reached the main avenue of the city. People jumped out of his way, actually.
I find it very hard to imagine rich people in the street actually jumping to and from to avoid this guy. This writing lmao.
The bodyguard goes to get a drink and then returns home and Celery/Sammy leave, accomplishing nothing. The narrative even lampshades this.
Sammy gets some of the sheet music for the musical they saw the other night and leaves it for Celery in her room, which is honestly an adorable gesture. This made me smile. How is it that SJM can make Sammy so endearing and lovable but she couldn’t so the same for Rowboat?
Later Celery goes to a party where Doneval is (who will now be called Don because I’m tired of typing out names)
One of the beautiful serving boys offered Doneval and the courtesans glasses of sparkling wine. The bodyguard, who stood by the curtains, sipped first before nodding to Doneval to take it. Doneval, one hand already wrapped around the bare shoulders of the girl beside him, didn’t thank either his bodyguard or the serving boy.
I mean... yeah? This is a party for the rich snooty upper class peeps, of course they’re not gonna be tripping over themselves to thank servants?
Someone almost knocked into Celaena from behind, but she sensed the staggering man and easily sidestepped out of his path. “This is a madhouse,” she muttered, her gaze rising to the girls on the swings as they floated through the room. They arched their backs so far that it was a miracle their breasts stayed in their corsets.
Another unnecessary reference to women’s breasts. SJM clearly does it to be ~edgy and mature~ even though it’s just out of place.
Don is making out with some other girl and Celery decides to approach him alone. Any bets on whether this will bite her in the ass? Do I hear ten dollars? Twenty dollars?
She forced a little smile to her lips as Doneval’s eyes roved freely. Up and down, down and up. That was why she’d opted for a lower-cut dress than usual. It made her stomach turn, but she stepped closer, only the low-lying table between her and Doneval’s sofa.
Next chapter opens up with the promised confrontation between Celery and Don. And of course, another reference to Celery’s boobies. It’s like SJM was warning us for the shitstorm that was E0S.
She was definitely more covered-up than the courtesans around him. But sometimes there was more allure in not seeing everything
Yet SJM has all her female characters flopping their titties around regardless.
Celery tricks Don into thinking she’s the niece of some wealthy dude in order to find out the time of Don’s appointment by inviting him to tea with her and her uncle. Don oggles her boobies so SJM has an excuse to shove in more breasts references.
Celery goes to dance and all of a sudden two masked mooks show up out of nowhere? I’m getting a strong Phantom of the Opera vibe and I don’t like it. God, could you even imagine SJM doing a PotO retelling? I bet she thinks Christine should have picked the Phantom.
Masked dude tries to dance with Celery but Sammy breaks them up because Celery is falling over drunk. She gets mad at him and then suddenly admits she doesn’t know how to be his friend yet. No duh, Miss “my friend isn’t allowed to have other girls as friends” Celery.
Celery goes to her new apartment the next morning and then the chapter ends.
Since she’d forgotten to do it at the party the night before, she meant to thank Sam for the music during their usual tumbling lesson after breakfast. But several of the other assassins were also in the training hall, and she had no desire to explain the gift to any of the older men. They would undoubtedly take it the wrong way.
Like what wrong way? That Sammy likes you? Because it’s pretty damn obvious to everyone that isn’t a huge moron that you two like each other.
Celery trains and reveals she’s breaking into Don’s apartment that night even though they’re meeting in two days? Eh, whatever floats your boat.
Lysandra’s face was flushed, making her green eyes sparkle. “Oh, Sam,” Lysandra said, rushing toward him with outstretched hands. Celaena bristled.
Oh great, more slut shaming bullshit! Just what I wanted! Thankfully it doesn’t last too long before Celery fucks off. I’ll cling to whatever I can in these books.
The walls of Doneval’s house were unguarded. Wherever he’d gone tonight—from the look of his clothes, probably to the theater or a party—he’d taken several of his guards with him, though she hadn’t counted his hulking bodyguard in their ranks. Perhaps the bodyguard had the night off.
This just reeks of a trap, but of course Celery takes the bait.
She breaks in and not two seconds later she’s attacked. The chapter ends on a cliffhanger because of course the character who goes on to be the ringleader of assholes later on in the series totally has a chance of dying guys!
Because you cannot convince me they were not childhood friends.
They met in elementary school when they were both very young.
Hunk was a chubby kid and got picked on a lot for his size/the fact that he was a bit of a crybaby. Lance was the kid who always stood up against bullies for others even though he was a skinny twig of a kid.
They first met when Lance noticed some older kids were picking on Hunk on the playground. The bullies shoved Lance down but did leave Hunk alone since it wasn’t worth the effort of dealing with this feisty kid.
After that, Lance stood up and brushed himself as as if four older kids just didn’t beat him up and held out his hand and introduced himself. After that, they two of them were instantly best friends.
Hunk was Lance’s ultimate wing man. When they were super young Lance asked a girl their age to marry him and she said yes, so Hunk acted as both minister and best man. Lance is still horrifically embarrassed about it today, and Hunk is not afraid to whip it out as blackmail.
Hunk: Sorry Keith but you don’t have a chance with Lance, he’s still married to Sarah from second grade
Keith: ?????????
Hunk didn’t like conflict or fighting but if someone teased Lance about his insecurities you better believe Hunk would square up to defend his buddy.
They learned morse code to communicate during class without the teacher catching on. Hunk wouldn’t use it to cheat during tests, though, no matter how much Lance tried to convince him.
Both of them were the kids that went “oooooooooooooo” whenever one of their classmates got called down to the office.
Hunk had really bad asthma and anxiety as a kid, so Lance always made sure to have five extra emergency inhalers in his bookbag in case Hunk forgot his.
Both of them went through an anime phase in middle school. Hunk was addicted to Naruto, Lance was addicted to Sailor Moon.
Lance in the present: Hunk, you know we left our anime phase years ago, right? Why do you still wear that thing?
Hunk, furiously tying his headband on: Anime is not a phase, Lance.
Hunk began baking during elementary. His first creation ever was a birthday cake for Lance. It was Lance’s least favorite flavor (Hunk didn’t ask because he wanted to surprise Lance with it) and was burnt to a crisp but Lance choked down every bite of it because Hunk was so proud of himself.
Hunk: [opens a pack of gum innocently in class]
Lance: [appears next to him out of nowhere]
Hunk: THE ONE CLASS I DON’T HAVE WITH YOU-
Lance was the kid big into Instagram and posting selfies. Hunk didn’t really care about that stuff but made an account specifically to like all of Lance’s pictures.
They were over each other’s houses so much they didn’t even need to ask permission anymore. Hunk’s mom would open the door at 7am on a Saturday to let Lance in without even questioning him.
One time Lance went into Hunk’s room to get something and saw 50 tabs open on his computer. He was so scared he never brought it up again.
Hunk believed in Santa Claus longer than most kids. Even after Lance learned the truth, he would tackle anyone who tried to correct Hunk to the ground.
Once their parents believed they both went missing when they didn’t return home from school at their regular time and flipped out and called the police and every neighbor. They found the boys half an hour later with backpacks full of granola bars and juice boxes going on an ‘adventure’ to the beach so Lance could find a mermaid.
Unfortunately, no mermaids were found and they both were grounded for a week.
Hunk, holding Lance’s arm and hitting him: why you hitting yourself, why you hitting yourself, why you hitting yourself
Lance, choking on tears: you’re the worst friend ever
Constantly had sleepovers at each other’s house. They would lay in silence for a few minutes until one of them whispered something really dumb and they’d both giggle until on of their moms came and told them to go to sleep.
They’d both save up all their allowance money to get each other Christmas gifts every year.
Lance immediately poses whenever a camera is pointed at him. Hunk has been trying for years to catch him off guard just once, to no success.
I chose to do this book because I’ve barely seen anyone critical of T0G talk about this book. I remember relatively liking it when I first read it, but I also liked Q0S on my first reading, so well. You all know how well that turned out. So let’s dive back into hell!
First, I wanna point out the cover of this novel uses the exact same model as T0G for Celery but throws a shitty purple cloak over her.
That’s totally not lazy at all! And it totally doesn’t add to my suspicion that The Ass’s Blade was rushed out to make a quick buck, nope nope! Also I only wish I could have a thigh gape that big, holy smokes Celery, eat some carbs.
This prequel book is made up of several short novellas before the events of the first book. The first one is Celery and the Pirate Lord.
Seated in the council room of the Assassins’ Keep, Celaena Sardothien leaned back in her chair. “It’s past four in the morning,” she said, adjusting the folds of her crimson silk dressing gown and crossing her bare legs beneath the wooden table. “This had better be important.”
Oh god, we’re back when Alien was Celery.... Well, tbh, they’re one in the same, Alien just splooges about herself more often. Who knows, maybe this book will change that.
“Perhaps if you hadn’t been reading all night, you wouldn’t be so exhausted,” snapped the young man seated across from her.
Love how Celery is a supposed badass uhmayzing assassin, but she stays up all night reading as opposed to... training? Getting some rest for missions? Anything that might not hinder you in your job?
[Celaena] ignored him and studied the four other people assembled in the underground chamber.
All male, all far older than she, and all refusing to meet her stare.
Jesus Christ, it begins already. Of course they’re all older than her. Normally this wouldn’t bother me all that much but it’s SJM, so I’m immediately suspicious. Also Sam is in the room and he’s just barely a year older than her, how is that “far older than her”???
When Arobynn summoned you, you didn’t keep him waiting. Thankfully, her sleepwear was as exquisite as her daytime wardrobe—and cost nearly as much. Still, being sixteen in a room with men made her keep an eye on the neckline of her robe. Her beauty was a weapon—one she kept honed—but it could also be a vulnerability.
Just... this entire paragraph. I wish SJM would stop playing into the notion all men are dangerous rabid beasts who can’t control themselves and just wanna rape every woman they lay eyes on. It doesn’t even make sense here, Celery knows all of them and aside from creeper Arobynn, none of them have ever sexually harassed her so why is she suspicious? And gotta that lowkey sexism implying that all beautiful women are delicate flowers who can’t look after themselves.
“Gregori’s been caught,” Arobynn finally said. Well, that would explain one person missing from this meeting. “His mission was a trap. He’s now being held in the royal dungeons.”
Celaena sighed through her nose. This was why she’d been awakened? She tapped a slippered foot on the marble floor. “Then kill him,” she said.
Man, Celery is... actually acting like an assassin? I mean, when you’re an assassin, the mission takes top priority. I wonder how long that’ll last, though.
She’d never liked Gregori, anyway. When she was ten, she’d fed his horse a bag of candy and he’d thrown a dagger at her head for it.
I mean yeah, that’s really sadistic. She’s a literal child and he tried to murder her? Granted SJM destroys what little sympathy I have by then explaining Celery caught the dagger and threw it back, giving him a scar on his cheek. Even when she was a literal child, she was the best assassin evah. Gag me.
“Kill Gregori?” demanded Sam, the young man seated at Arobynn’s left—a place that usually went to Ben, Arobynn’s second-in-command. Celaena knew very well what Sam Cortland thought of her.
Sam is the only other young character in the room so yeah, obviously he’s gonna be her love interest for this book. Henceforth, they do nothing but bicker for the first 70% of the novel.
The location of the Assassins’ Keep was a well-guarded secret, one she’d been trained to keep until her last breath. But even if she didn’t, no one was likely to believe that an elegant manor house on a very respectable street in Rifthold was home to some of the greatest assassins in the world. What better place to hide than in the middle of the capital city?
So you’re saying literally no one questions who owns this huge fancy elegant place? That the king never goes, “Huh, someone who has wealth to rival mine has a huge ass manor right in the middle of the Capital” and he never checks it out? Nobody questions it? Okay.... if you say so......
The firelight cast the smooth, elegant panes of Sam’s face into light and shadow—a face, she’d been told, that could have earned him a fortune if he’d followed in his mother ’s footsteps.
Considering that his mother is a courtesan...... gross. Stop sexualising your characters so much, please.
Turns out, Ben was also killed. Oh no, not the guy we literally never met before! Celery is pissy that they didn’t retrieve his body.
“If we’d grabbed his body,” Sam said, refusing to back down from her glare, “it would have led them right to the Keep.”
“You’re assassins,” she growled at him. “You’re supposed to be able to retrieve a body without being seen.”
I mean, you should be able to retrieve a body given that you’re assassins, but eh, who am I kidding, I care little for the conflict of Retrieving Ben’s Body.
Since Arobynn is apparently the only mature guy in the room, he tells them to stop acting like children.
Sam kept his gaze on the floor as he strode to the far side of the council room. Crossing his arms, he leaned against the stone wall. She could still reach him - one flick of her wrist, and his throat would spout blood.
Holy shit, Celery, that’s murder!!! Like Sam just disagreed with you, that doesn’t warrant you imagining yourself slitting his throat!!! How the fuck are they gonna end up in love I have no idea.
Celery throws a pity party for herself and stomps off to retrieve Ben’s body. Sadly, she does not perish while doing so, and Chapter 2 begins.
Two months, three days, and about eight hours later, the clock on the mantel chimed noon. Captain Rolfe, Lord of the Pirates, was late.
Given that the actual Pirate Lord story begins here, the first chapter was, you guessed it, utterly pointless and could’ve been cut altogether.
Celaena, concealed behind a far-too-stuffy black cloak, tunic, and ebony mask, rose from her seat before the Pirate Lord’s desk. How dare he make her wait!
How dare the entire world not bend over backwards to accommodate Celery and her agenda! Fuck you.
“With every minute he makes us wait,” Celaena said to Sam, the mask making her words low and soft, “I’m adding an extra ten gold pieces to his debt.”
Sam, who didn’t wear a mask over his handsome features, crossed his arms and scowled.
???? So why is she wearing a mask??? Does she have a pimple she’s embarrassed of??? Why???
Neither of them had been particularly happy when Arobynn announced that Sam would be sent to the Dead Islands with Celaena. Especially when Ben’s body—which Celaena had retrieved—had barely been in the ground for two months.
So how did she, a skinny sixteen year old, possibly carry a thirty year old man’s body and do it discreetly enough when the place was supposedly swarming with royal guards? How convenient that the first chapter ended so SJM didn’t have to explain this.
She raised her brows, but realized he couldn’t see. The mask and clothes were a necessary precaution, one that made it far easier to protect her identity. In fact, all of Arobynn’s assassins had been sworn to secrecy about who she was—under the threat of endless torture and eventual death.
Wait a minute, what the fuck? What the fuck... why...
Okay, I’m gonna do lay down for a bit, scream out my frustrations, the like. I’ll be back in a bit.
Alright.
What the fuck?? So you’re telling me she’s a famous assassin who uses her real name?? That her face is so recognizable she has to wear a mask??
THAT’S NOT HOW ASSASSINS WORK!!! The whole point of being an assassin is that nobody knows your real identity, you’re supposed to hide your name so you don’t get caught!!!! If you’re a famous assassin, you’re probably known by like, a cool nickname that isn’t your fucking name!! This makes no goddamn sense!! My assassin rebel leader from my dinosaur WIP is facepalming at what a dumbass Celery is.
All that the world knew about Celaena Sardothien, Adarlan’s Assassin, was that she was female. And she wanted to keep it that way. How else would she be able to stroll the broad avenues of Rifthold or infiltrate grand parties by posing as foreign nobility?
So is her face a giveaway or not?? She can’t show Rolfe her face, but she can stroll down the street and go to parties without concealing her face? This is beyond fucking stupid.
Rolfe shows up, and Sam demonstrates that he’s the only character with a brain in this novel.
Sam stood, bowing his head slightly. “Sam Cortland,” he said by way of greeting.
Meanwhile, Celery just fires sarcastic and ‘witty” quips one after another.
Rolfe’s eyes gleamed with the challenge. “You’re in my city, and on my island.” Only a handbreadth separated them. “You’re not in any position to give me orders.”
Slay her Rolfe!!! I stanned Rolfe in E0S, I’m gonna stan him here, because he is as sick of Celery’s bullshit as I am.
With two deft flicks of his wrist, Rolfe sliced open both envelopes with a letter-knife she somehow hadn’t spotted. How had she missed it? A fool’s mistake.
Lmfao, what a noob. Maybe if Celery wasn’t busy stuffing her nose up her own ass, she’d notice important shit like that.
Rolfe reads the letter which details Arobynn asking Rolfe for some slaves, and at least Celery has the decency to be disgusted by that. Strange that she was the capacity to care about someone other than herself, but I’ll at least give her points for that.
[Rolfe] pointed toward the door. “I have two rooms prepared for you.”
“We only need one,” she interrupted.
Rolfe’s eyebrows rose suggestively.
I mean, gross to sexualise your characters even more, but Celery does realize saying they only need one room does sort of imply she and Sam are a thing, right? Like she gets so pissy that Rolfe interprets it that way, but like, it does lowkey sound like they’re an item therefore she doesn’t mind sharing a bed with him? Whatever, who cares.
Celery wants to punch Rolfe in the dick but doesn’t and the chapter ends. So begins another tidal wave of absolute bullshit.....
(Also, this should be pretty obvious, but this is indeed a chapter with a sex scene, so there will be NSFW text so maybe skip this one if you don’t wanna read that kinda stuff)
And Aelin knew if she didn’t get the hell out of this city for an hour or two, she might very well explode again.
I’m out of witty remarks to make about Alien’s piss poor temper at this point. Can you believe hundreds of people died painful and brutal deaths last chapter and all SJM focuses on is Alien’s feefees?
Rolfe and Alien have “edgy” “thrilling” “banter” where they insult one another, blah blah blah, you’re not here for that.
Also Rolfe sold his soul for the map on his hands which resulted in his sister and mother dying. How many nameless characters are gonna be murdered by SJM’s hands to give her main characters something to angst over holy shit.
Aelin rasped, “No. I don’t know what happened. One minute it was us … then she came.” She rubbed at her chest, avoiding the touch of the golden chain against it. Her throat tightened as she took in that spot on [Rowan’s] own chest, right between his pectorals. Where her fist had been aimed.
FJDHFKJAHJDAS OH MY GOD THIS IS THE MALE EQUIVALENT OF SJM BRINGING TOO MUCH FOCUS ON HER FEMALE CHARACTERS BREASTS I AM ACTUALLY CHOKING AKDHFKHAFJKHD
“If I had killed you,” she hissed, but choked on the words, unable to finish the thought, the idea of it.
This book would be a lot better since it would mean less Aelin gushing and less Ratlin being hailed as the best relationship evah
“She enjoyed every rutting second of it. She wanted to see what my power might do, what she could do with my body, with the key.” [Aelin’s] flames burned hotter, shredding through her clothes until they were ash, until she was naked and clothed in only her own fire.
??? i ????? this is not a private beach???? youre a queen what if someone walked in on you naked im?????? im so confused why does she do this???
“How can you be so … fine with this?” Embers sprayed from [Aelin] like a swarm of fireflies.
FHSHJSD THIS FUCKING IMAGERY SJM YOU’RE KILLING ME
Rowan shucked off his boots, tossing them onto the dry sand behind him. “Because I’m the only one arrogant and insane enough to ask Mala Fire-
Bringer to let me stay with the woman I love.”
[Aelin’s] flames turned to pure gold at the words—at that word. But she said, “Perhaps you’re just the only one arrogant and insane enough to love me.”
Love it when Alien writes my snarks for me. Makes these chapter reviews a whole lot easier!
Aelin let [Rowan] pivot her in the surf and sand to face him fully, let him slide his mouth along her jaw, the curve of her cheekbone, the point of her Fae ear.“These,” he said, nibbling at her earlobe, “have been tempting me for months.”
Oh god here we go
Before we proceed, let’s have a little chat, shall we? SJM’s sex scenes? They fucking suck. This isn’t an erotica novel, therefore sex scenes serve to help us feel the connection between characters, no? I don’t mind sex scenes; I’ve read many before that made me emotional because if they’re well written, they demonstrate how much a couple loves each other.
But SJM fails so hard at sex scenes. Her sex scenes isn’t about the bond between the characters, it’s about her jerking off to fae peen. They’re so hilariously unsexy with the shitty writing and bizarre word choice, and since I don’t like any of her characters, why should I care? Her sex scenes are there solely to trick readers into thinking these books are hot and sexy. But its much easier to show you rather than explain, so.....*sigh* Here we go.
Rowan obliged her silent demand, pressing kisses and soft, growling nips to her throat. “I’ve never taken a woman on a beach,” he purred against her skin, sucking gently on the space between her neck and shoulder. “And look at that—we’re far from any sort of … collateral.”
Am i reading a bad fanfic? Tell me how the characters feel! If i want graphic descriptions of Rowboat fucking Alien, I’d look up fanfics on AO3. Tell me how they feel! Also Rowboat was literally insisting they shouldn’t fuck like animals out in the wilderness at the beginning of the book. Oh, how naive I was back then to the horrors I would endure...
Aelin remembered herself enough to say, “Someone might come looking for us.”
Rowan huffed a laugh against her neck. “Something tells me,” he said, his breath skittering along her skin, “you might not mind if we were discovered. If someone saw how thoroughly I plan to worship you.”
JKDSKHDKADHKASJD YOU’RE JUST OKAY WITH SOMEONE POSSIBLY RUINING YOUR SEX BY WALKING BY. LIKE WTF WOULD YOU JUST CONTINUE FUCKING IF SOMEONE ACTUALLY DID WALK BY?? IS THAT WHAT YOU WOULD DO???
His lips crushed into hers, and he said onto her mouth, dropping words more precious than rubies and emeralds and sapphires into her heart, her soul,
“I love you. There is no limit to what I can give to you, no time I need. Even when this world is a forgotten whisper of dust between the stars, I will love you.”
God ok I take it back I don’t need to know how the characters feel. This is just too much. Pro tip, declaration of love are better kept simple and sweet, with all that big mushy stuff left unsaid. Also pro tip, try to find other ways of characters saying they love one another rather than just “I love you”, having them have their own special ways of expressing their loves just makes it more special and interesting to read and tugs on the heartstrings. Having them give huge speeches like this is just too much for me personally and doesn’t make their declarations of love feel special or meaningful
Aelin didn’t know when she started crying, when her body began shaking with the force of it. She had never said such words—to anyone.
Uh, yeah you have? She’s expressed similar love to Chaol in Crown of Midnight, calling him her home and whatnot. Pretty similar declarations of love.
Rowan pulled back, wiping away her tears with his thumbs, one after another. He said softly, barely audible over the crashing waves around them, “Fireheart.”
She sniffed back tears. “Buzzard.”
Human brain: They’re disgusting and annoying characters I am not attached to their shitty abusive relationship in the slightest
Monkey brain: special couple nicknames,, pure and soft,,, favorite trope,,,
“You … are so beautiful.”
She knew he didn’t just mean the skin and curves and bones.
But Aelin still smiled, humming. “I know,” she said
I fucking hate Aelin’s vain ass
“Is it that different? With someone like me.”
“I don’t know,” Rowan admitted. Again, his eyes slid along her body, as if he could see through skin to her burning heart beneath. “I’ve never been with… an equal. I’ve never allowed myself to be that unleashed.”
What the fuck?
This is Lyria, Rowan’s former mate. She was a Fae who was pregnant with Rowan’s child when she was killed, meaning she and Rowan had sex. How has Rowan not been with an ‘equal’ before?? Did SJM forget her own character’s backstory?
There’s more unsexy foreplay and Aelin takes off Rowan’s pants.
Rowan had been bred and honed for battle, and every inch of him was pure-blooded warrior.
Oh my god, I cannot wait to see how SJM skirts around actually using the word dick/penis//whatever
Oh, gods. Oh, burning, rutting gods. Rowan knew what he was doing; he really gods-damned did.
Just... this whole chunk. This is epic fantasy. Also ‘gods-damned’ is a dumb word idc what y’all say
Rowan growled his approval, her breast still in his mouth
JESUS ROWAN ARE YOU TRYING TO RIP OFF HER TITTY
A phantom touch, like the northern wind given form, flicked over her bare breast.
Aelin burst into flames.
what the fuck I am sh o cke d
Magic foreplay?? This is the level we’re at, folks. Fucking magic foreplay. The same wind magic Rowan used to kill witches he is now using to feel up Aelin’s boobs. Holy shit.
A roaring wind full of ice and snow blasted around them.
I have several questions.
Rowan’s smile was nothing short of wicked as he pulled away to run a broad hand from her throat down to the juncture of her thighs.
lmfao wtf. SJM wants to have graphic sex scenes in her YA series but won’t actually use the correct words for genitalia? Like christ are you sticking to YA rules or not???
So Rowan did, sliding a finger into her as his tongue flicked that one spot, and oh, gods, she was going to explode into starfire—
I don’t think starfire is an actual word. Also I hate these two.
When Rowan was seated deep in her, trembling with restraint as he let her adjust, she lifted her burning hands to his face, wind and ice tumbling and roaring around them, dancing across the waves with ribbons of flame.
HAHAHA I AM DYING HOW IS NOBODY NOTICING ALL THIS FIRE AND ICE AND SHIT JUST EXPLODING ON THE BEACH
Seriously what does the magic add to this scene?? it’s so fucking weird! How are they somehow fucking but also concentrating on doing all this magic??? Like what the actual fuck it just makes no sense
And as his thrusts turned deeper, she dug in her fingers, dragging her nails across his back, claiming him, marking him. His hips slammed home at the blood she drew
WHAT THE FUCK WHY ARE YOU DRAWING BLOOD?!?! THAT ISNT SEXY THATS AELIN LITERALLY SLICING UP ROWANS BACK WITH HER NAILS WHAT IS HAPPENING
Rowan’s magic went wild, though his mouth on her neck was so careful, even as his canines dragged along her skin.
How is he careful but also dragging his teeth across her neck you can’t have both
Rowan’s own release barreled through him at the sight of it [Aelin climaxing], and he groaned her name so that she remembered it at last, lightning joining wind and ice over the water.
LIGHTNING
L I G H T N I N G
EPIC FANTASY SERIES COMPARED TO THE LIKES OF LOTR AND WE HAVE A MAIN CHARACTER’S CLIMAX SUMMONING LIGHTNING I WANT OFF THIS CRAZY RIDE
Already, she wanted more, already she was calculating how long she’d have to wait. “You once told me that you don’t bite the females of other males.” Rowan stiffened a bit. But she went on coyly, “Does that mean ... you’ll bite your own female, then?”
Aelin has a biting kink confirmed. Listen, I don’t care what kinks people have as long as it’s kept in the bedroom and everyone involved can and has consented, but this is just gross because I despise these two characters and don’t want any more paragraphs about Rowan biting Aelin please spare me
Understanding flashed in those green eyes as he raised his head from her neck to study the spot where those canines had once pierced her skin.
Are you bullshitting me. Are you actually fucking kidding me.
Rowan assaulted Aelin and bit her on the neck, causing her to bleed.. and this is portrayed as sexy? As a romantic moment between them?? What the actual fuck SJM!!! If a guy you were arguing with bit you, you’d knee him in the balls and call the police because he is assaulting you!! WHAT THE FUCK AM I READING HOW IS THIS IN A NOVEL IM DJHAFJKHDJKAFHJK
I’m done and I want this chapter to be over. tl;dr Aelin wants to bite Rowan and this makes him so horny they immediately have sex again.
They moved together, undulating like the sea before them, and when Rowan roared her name again into the star-flecked black, Aelin hoped the gods themselves heard it and knew their days were now numbered.
You’re fucking like animals in the middle of a beach where anyone could see you. Stop trying to make it all ~epic~ and ~most important relationship ever~ like god fucking damnit this Ratty/Aelin ship is literally my worst nightmare. Fuck this book.
The Queen of the Fae was exactly as Aelin remembered. Swirling dark robes, a beautiful pale face beneath onyx hair, red lips set in a faint smile
Of course Maeve is also drop dead gorgeous. Somebody gotta put a cap on the amount of beauty in SJM’s novels, it’s becoming too much.
With [Maeve’s] attention elsewhere, Lorcan took up a place at Aelin’s side—as if they were somehow allies in this, would fight back-to-back. Aelin didn’t bother to say anything to him.
I mean, Lorcan being on your side gives you a much better chance of rescuing Elide, but sure Alien, be like that.
That ripple of Lorcan’s power the day Ansel’s fleet had closed in … [Aelin]’d known it was a summoning. The same way she’d summoned the Valg to Skull’s Bay. She’d refused to immediately explain Ansel’s presence, wanting to enjoy the surprise of it, and he had summoned Maeve’s armada to take on what he’d believed to be an enemy fleet. To save Elide.
This seems kinda weird to me? Elide has stated to Lorcan numerous times that she’s on Alien’s side, so wouldn’t Maeve consider her a threat and an enemy? Why would Lorcan summon her to save Elide, then? But whatever, the less time we dwell on shitty writing, the quicker we get this shitshow over with.
Elide was trembling; every bone, every pore was trembling
Every pore??? Lmfao is SJM just giving up at this point?? She can’t shoehorn in sexual references when her protag is confronting the villain so she wants to just get it over with.
Lorcan betrays them and Alien is shocked, but like... why are y’all surprised Lorcan was literally only with you guys for Elide, he has no reason to like anyone else in Alien’s group of jackasses.
Flame danced at Aelin’s fingertips.
No. Her magic had been emptied, still hovered near burnout.
Maeve kick her ass please I am begging you, wipe the fucking floor with her
Maeve returned Aelin’s smile. “(...)Of course, the fools didn’t realize that when you had drained yourself on their armies, I’d be waiting. You were already exhausted after putting out the fires I had my armada ignite to tire you on Eyllwe’s coast. It was a convenience that Lorcan gave your precise location and saved me the energy of tracking you down myself.”
A trap. An enormous, wicked trap. To drain Aelin’s power over days—
weeks.
Alien’s tiny mind is fucking blown by this but no fucking shit!!! You’re a dumbass who thinks wasting her magic on shooting fireworks out of her ass is a good idea, of course someone would notice and take advantage of you!! Does Alien even have a goddamn brain???
“The armada was a precaution. Just in case the ilken didn’t arrive for you to wholly drain yourself … I figured a few hundred ships would make for good kindling until I was ready.”
To sacrifice [Maeve’s] own fleet—or part of it—to gain one prize … This was
madness. The queen was utterly insane.
I mean. Maeve is an evil bloodthirsty monster, but she’s way smarter than any of these dumbasses. Honestly, I’m starting to root for her. She figured out her enemy’s weakness and used it against them, which is more brain power than Alien is capable of.
Flame slammed outward, red and golden—just as a wall of darkness lashed for Aelin.
The impact shook the world.
Even Manon was thrown on her ass.
Love how SJM tries to make this showdown all ~epic and uhmayzing~ but then throws in Manon falling flat on her ass. The rivalry between Maeve and Alien is barely developed so I’m hardly excited for Maeve to kick Alien’s ass. Makes me wish I could be reading Death Note instead, now there’s a good power play between rival characters.
Lorcan grabs Elide while Maeve and Alien duke it out and he tries to get her to run.
[Elide] would not. She’d sooner die than flee like a coward, not when Aelin was going to the mat for all of them, when—
Going to the mat? Wtf??? Yes I know it’s an expression of struggling/fighting until defeated or victorious, but this completely threw me out of the story when I read it. This is a (supposedly) medieval setting, and this saying just seems out of place in this setting.
A whip of black sliced into Aelin.
She went down.
And Elide thought the impact of Aelin Galathynius’s knees hitting the sand might have been the most horrible sound she’d ever heard.
Elide was literally enslaved in a tower and abused by her uncle but seeing some stupid queen she barely knows getting the shit kicked out of her is the worst thing she’s ever witnessed. Okay, SJM, okay. Elide deserves so much better than to be reduced to a fangirl to splooge over Alien.
Aelin crawled backward, blood sliding from her right nostril. Dripping on her white shirt.
*clenches fist* fragmentsssssss. A comma or the word and would’ve sufficed better there.
Aelin tried to rise.
Tried, but her legs had given out. The Queen of Terrasen panted, fire flickering like dying embers around her.
I’ll admit, I rather like the symbolism of the embers dying out around her, highlighting how she’s utterly failed and gotten her ass whooped. Very nice.
Fenrys and Gav roll up to the party while Maeve continues to beat Alien. I know it’s cruel to say, but I’m rather enjoying Alien getting her arrogant ass whooped after unfairly winning literally every confrontation with no effort in this novel.
But Maeve let the darkness around Aelin part.
She was curled on her side, bleeding from both nostrils now, more blood dribbling from her panting mouth.
Considering she’s getting whipped and stabbed by black magic, I think she should be bleeding from actual wounds than having just a nosebleed lmao. Maeve starts grilling Gav.
“Did I or did I not tell you to execute Lorcan on sight?”
“There were … circumstances that prevented it from happening. We tried.”
“Yet you failed. Am I not supposed to discipline my blood-bonded who fail me?”
Gavriel lowered his head. “Of course—we will accept it. And I will also take on the punishment you intended for Aelin Galathynius.”
NOOOOO I SWEAR TO FUCKING GOD SJM IF YOU KILL OFF GAV FOR ALIEN TO LIVE I WILL FUCKING FIGHT YOU
So Maeve kicks Gav out of her court and dishonors him, but he lives, thank god. If Gav ends up dying in this series I’m gonna have to have a long angry chat with SJM. Gav basically disappears for the rest of the scene even though he’s right there? Whatever spares him from the agony of this shitty book I guess.
Elide splooges about what a badass assassin Alien was and how she’ll wait for the right moment to strike, before Maeve removes all of Alien’s weapons for that exact reason. My sides hurt from the fucking cackling I did at that. Can’t believe I am about to stan Maeve, but she’s a ruthless, badass, calculating villain who is capable of thinking about things other than sex. Nothing but respect for my evil queen.
“What a powerhouse you two would be—[Aelin] and Prince Rowan. And any offspring of that union …” A vicious smirk. “You and Rowan could rule this continent if you wished. But your children … your children would be powerful enough to rule an empire that could sweep the world.”
Ungh, c’mon Maeve, I know you’re just fucking with Alien, but don’t make me read that garbage. Can’t wait until there’s a sequel series to Thr0ne of glass about Alien’s goblin kids being even more uber powered special snowflakes than their mother. C’mon, you know SJM would.
“It was so easy to tug on the right psychic thread that day Rowan saw Lyria at the market. To shove him down that other path, to trick those instincts. A slight altering of fate.”
(...) Maeve said, “So your mate was given to another. And I let him fall in love, let him get her [pregnant]. And then I broke him. No one ever asked how those enemy forces came to pass by his mountain home.”
Great, so Lyria was nothing but a plot point to get Ratlin together now? Fuck off SJM, stop reducing your other characters as nothing but plot points for your precious OTP. Lyria deserved so much better than this.
“[Rowan] took the blood oath without question. And I knew that whenever you were born, whenever you’d come of age … I’d ensure that your paths crossed, and you’d take one look at each other and I’d have you by the throat. Anything I asked for, you’d give to me. Even the keys. For your mate, you could do no less. You almost did that day in Doranelle.”
Lmfao I love how one of the main selling points fans use for this series were “it depicts love accurately, Alien has more than one love interest!1″ and SJM fucking killed any chance of using that as a positive of the series hahahahaha I am actually fucking dying. Chaol, Dorito, and Sam didn’t mean shit because her one true love was Rowboat all long. Couldn’t have written a shittier plot twist if I tried, SJM, hats off to you. That deserves a slow clap.
Maeve ignored [Elide pleading]. “Well? When did you know [Rowan was her mate]?”
“At Temis’s temple,” Aelin admitted, glancing to Manon. “The moment the arrow went through his shoulder. Months ago.”
Nothing turns me on more than my abusive boyfriend almost dying by an arrow to the shoulder. I know, I know, the mating bond in AC0TAR is different than the ones in T0G, but still.
Maeve shrugged. “If it’s any consolation, Aelin, you would have had a thousand years with Prince Rowan. Longer.”
Go tf off, Maeve!!!! I’d read an entire book of Maeve just ripping Alien a new one tbh
Turns out Alien is due to Settle in five years or so. What a relief, SJM’s precious Mary Sue won’t ever have to grow, god forbid, old and ugly! Phew, really dodged a bullet there!
Maeve calls out Cairn, the asshole dude Lorcan brought up many chapters prior.
A handsome, brown-haired warrior walked toward them from the cluster of escorts. Handsome, if it weren’t for the sadistic cruelty singing in his blue eyes.
So is he handsome or not, SJM? These two sentences are so contradictory. Maeve gives Alien a choice whether to come willingly or to refuse and let Elide be dragged along. Alien is a selfish shitlord, but she cares about Elide despite barely knowing her, so we all know which she’ll probably choose.
Next chapter, finally, holy shit that one was so long I had to skim most of it.
Aelin’s body hurt.
Everything hurt. Her blood, her breath, her bones.
There was no magic left. Nothing left to save her.
It’s funny how this is framed as we’re supposed to feel bad for poor Alien but I’m laughing my ass off. Act like a little shit, get hit, Alien.
Aelin simply nodded at the Fae Queen. Her acceptance and surrender.
Surprise, surprise. I’ll at least give Alien a little credit for considering the safety of somebody else besides herself or Rowboat’s Fae peen. Man, the bar is set pretty low, eh?
And because she had won, Maeve even loosened her power’s grip on Aelin’s bones. Allowed Aelin to turn to Elide and say, “Go with Manon. She will take care of you.”
Elide began crying, shoving away from Lorcan. “I’ll go with you, I’ll come with you—”
Wtf Elide, no, you’re smarter than this!!!! Alien is sacrificing herself so you can be free, you run and get Alien’s comrades and then you have a chance to free Alien afterwards!! Goddamnit SJM you’re making me repulsed by Elide because all she is now is a tool to fawn over Alien dhfkhfksdh I'm so goddamn mad
Aelin’s soul splintered as she saw the iron box the escorts now carried between them. An ancient, iron coffin. Big enough for one person. Crafted for her.
Oof, so there’s the coffin bit I’ve been hearing about. Can’t really say I’m sorry for Alien. Yeah I know that’s mean, but she’s a massive unlikable selfish asshole who gets everything handed to her without her doing any work, so forgive me for not feeling bad when she finally gets a good deserved kick in the bottom.
“And tell Rowan,” Aelin said, fighting her own sob, “that I’m sorry I lied. But tell him it was all borrowed time anyway. Even before today, I knew it was all just borrowed time, but I still wish we’d had more of it.”
Again, good concept, just wasted on an absolute shit tier ship. Someone write an AU of this but with a good ship, yeah? And, y’know, rewrite most of the plot so it makes sense.
Maeve lowered the mask and drawled to Aelin, “Rumor claims you will bow to no one, Heir of Fire.” That serpentine smile. “Well, now you will bow to me.”
She pointed to the sand.
Aelin obeyed.
I shouldn’t be enjoying this as much as I am, but ahhh feels so good to read Alien get taken down a peg or two after being so irritatingly arrogant! Feels good, feels organic.
“Take off your shirt.”
Aelin tugged her shirt out of her pants and slung it over her head, tossing it in the sand beside her. Then she removed the flexible cloth around her breasts.
So.... a bra, essentially? Is she wearing a bra? Or was SJM unsure of whether or not medieval women wore bras and was like “Ehhhh I’ll describe it as just a cloth, that way nobody can point fingers at me for shitty world building!”
Aelin didn’t fight as [the Fae warriors] each gripped her by an arm and hauled her up. Spread her arms wide. The sea air kissed her breasts, her navel.
Man, given how there’s only a few chapters left, this may be the last unnecessary focus on a female character’s breasts we get in this novel. And it’s right before our main character endures a harsh whipping. Oh SJM, you never disappoint.
Cairn halted. [Aelin] felt him studying the tattoo on her back. Rowan’s loving words, written there in the Old Language.
Cairn snorted. Then she felt him revel in how he’d destroy that tattoo.
Evidently, SJM never learned what nuanced characters are. Cairn whips Alien some until Maeve orders them to chuck Alien into the iron coffin. Manon peaces out with Elide, and I hope SJM lets them run away with Abraxos to a better novel.
Time—[Aelin] was grateful Elena had given her that stolen time.
Grateful she had met them all, that she had seen some small part of the world, had heard such lovely music, had danced and laughed and known true friendship. Grateful that she had found Rowan.
She was grateful.
Another good example of good concept that’s wasted on a shitty character. This should be breaking my heart, but it’s about Alien and I fucking hate Alien more than almost any other fictional character. So alas, I’m left just feeling hallow and tired.
So Aelin Galathynius dried her tears.
And did not fight when Maeve strapped that beautiful iron mask over her face.
Seems odd Alien would describe what is essentially an object meant to torture her as beautiful, but alright. We’re almost done folks, buckle up for the final leg of this shitstorm of a journey.
I got nothing lads. This book is draining me of my soul.
Celaena lay on her cloak, trying to imagine that the sand was her down mattress in Rifthold, and that she wasn’t completely exposed to the elements in the middle of the desert. The last thing she needed was to wake up with a scorpion in her hair.
Stop teasing me with ways to kill Celery’s ass off, SJM.
“I’ve got sand in every crevice of my body,” Celaena muttered, squirming as she felt it grind against her skin. (...)
“Are you sure you’re Celaena Sardothien? Because I don’t think she’d actually be this fussy. I bet she’s used to roughing it.”
Holy shit, this is... self awareness? Ansel calling Celery out on being a useless dumbass? I am so baffled. Is SJM trolling us at this point, or does she just. genuinely not understand how terrible her characters are?
Ansel blathers on about the witches and their queens or whatnot, which just makes me yearn for the Manon POVs in E0S (the first half, anyways). I truly took them for granted :’(
Ansel let out a low hiss. “Some witches, like the Crochans, were gifted with ethereal beauty. But the Ironteeth Clans have iron teeth, sharp as a fish’s.
There’s that stupid fish teeth comparison again. I have no problem with repeated phrases in a book series (as long as you know, they’re not repeated every other five pages in each book) but this is just... dumb.
Ansel says that one of her childhood friends was eaten by a witch when she was little, which is so boring and non-important I’m skipping it, then they go to sleep. The next morning they go to their destination which is in the market place.
Many people stopped to stare at her red hair and matching eyes, but Ansel took it in stride. Even without her armor, she was stunning. Celaena tried not to think about how few people bothered to notice her.
I don’t give a flying fuck about Celery’s feefees over not getting any special attention I do not!!!!! give a single fuck!!!!!!! I am going to rip this stupid book in half once I’m done reading it.
Ansel won’t let Celery actually go with her to meet with some dude, so she leaves her stranded in the middle of a busy marketplace. Lmao.
In Rifthold, she had a line of credit at all her favorite stores,
you fucking wot m8
There were a few hired guards standing around the covered wagon, and a tall, lean man stood behind the table displayed in front of it. But it wasn’t the guards or the man or his wagon that grabbed her attention.
No, it was what was on his table that knocked the breath from her and made her curse her too-light money purse.
Spidersilk.
Oh hey, that thing that was used later with the witches.... cool. I’ll take it over an asspull plot twist any day, tbh.
There were legends about the horse-sized stygian spiders that lurked in the woods of the Ruhnn Mountains of the north, spinning their thread for hefty costs. Some said they offered it in exchange for human flesh; others claimed the spiders dealt in years and dreams, and could take either as payment.
Damn, those giant spiders sound waaaay cooler than the shitty Fae in later novels. Why can’t this book be about them? Honestly, I ask myself that far too often when reading these novels.
Celery chats with the guy who has the Spidersilk and it’s just nothing worth noting, so I’m skimming through the details.
She raised her chin. “I turned seventeen two weeks ago.” And what a miserable birthday that had been. Trudging across the desert with no one to celebrate with except her recalcitrant guide, who just patted her shoulder when she announced it was her birthday. Horrible.
SJM expects me to feel sorry for this bitch. That’s cute.
The dude reveals that some of the silent assassins secretly work for Lord Berick.
But Celaena tucked the information away for later. Were some of the Silent Assassins actually working for Berick? Perhaps that was why Ansel had insisted on keeping the meeting so secret—maybe the Master didn’t want the names of the suspected traitors getting out.
So yeah, it’s pretty obvious Ansel is more than likely one of those traitors, but of course Celery doesn’t even consider this because of...reasons. Considering the possibility of such a thing would require for her brain to work, and as we all know, Celery doesn’t own a functioning brain.
Celery tells the guy to ask Arobynn for her if he ever needs her services, so he gives her some Spidersilk.
“A reminder of what?” She shut the lid and tucked the small box into the inner pocket of her white tunic.
The merchant smiled sadly. “That everything has a price.”
A phantom pain flashed through her face. “I know,” she said, and left.
Oh, it’s just like I’m a young teenager reading this for the first time puzzling over what this meant, not knowing the shitstorm that awaited me in later novels. Truly, they were easier times!
Ansel shows up later to drag Celery over to a pen where there are some horses. Apparently the horses belong to Lord Berick, so Ansel and Celery steal them and leave, ending the chapter. Very little is happening now, but I’ll take it over the pile of dogshit that were the previous two chapters.
Next chapter, Ansel and Celery ride into the desert being chased by guards.
And just like that, the dunes parted to reveal the turquoise expanse of the Gulf of Oro. The cool sea breeze kissed her face, and Celaena leaned into it, almost moaning with pleasure.
Maybe a nitpick, but am I the only one completely weirded out when “moaning with pleasure” is used for shit like this? Like, when people describe a character moaning when they eat good food it’s so baffling to me because it’s giving me a mental image of sexual pleasure, but they’re just eating food?? Is Celery having an orgasm rn because there’s a cool breeze?
Ansel cut away, surging toward the dunes and the giant wall of rock that arose nearby. The Desert Cleaver, if Celaena knew her geography correctly—which she did, as she’d studied maps of the Deserted Land for weeks now.
I find it very hard to believe entitled Celery who thinks everything should just be handed to her on a silver platter would devote so much time to studying and working.
A narrow opening in the wall of red rock appeared, twisting away from sight. Ansel headed straight toward it. How dare she make such a reckless, stupid decision without consulting Celaena first?
You mean like Alien does later in E0S? Holy shit, this just emphasizes how little SJM plans things out for her books. Her characters actually lose development and intelligence as the series progresses. That is actually fucking hilarious and I’ve never seen the likes of it in any other shitty YA series. Holy smokes.
Though the guards still remained a good distance away, they were close enough for Celaena to see the weapons, including longbows, strapped to them.
But I bet they’re not going to use them, like the guards from E0S that didn’t use their crossbows, because of plot reasons.
They outrun the guards and Celery punches Ansel then they stop for the night. Lmao at how much shit was crammed in the previous chapters but these ones are just... nothing.
Apparently Ansel lied to the Mute Master about her backstory. Her old home was ravaged by some Lord Loch dude and all of her family was killed so she ended up training with the silent assassins for revenge or something. Ansel is just a not quite as shitty Celery clone, so I have little reason to care about her.
Celaena hadn’t realized she was crying until she tried to take a deep breath. Saying that she was sorry didn’t feel adequate. She knew what this sort of loss was like, and words didn’t do anything at all.
Oh my god fuck off Celery, Ansel isn’t telling you her backstory for you to feel sorry about your own poor feefees, literally no one gives a shit about you. Please, take a hike off the nearest cliff and spare me the agony of having to think about you anymore.
Celery and Ansel talk about how all men are evil and shit and then the chapter ends. Fuck this stupid fucking bullshit. This might actually be worse than E0S. That’s right, I said it, don’t @ me.
The Lock had crafted the sarcophagus from the mountain itself.
It had taken every ember of its power to bind Erawan within the stone, to seal him inside.
Chapter 65 opens up with Elena’s POV on how Erawan is sealed up.
When [Elena] had stolen the Lock from her father all those months ago, she had not known—had not understood —the truth depth of its power. Still did not know why he had forged it. Only that once, just once, could the Lock’s power be wielded. And that power … oh, that mighty, shattering power … it had saved them all.
Holy fragments, Batman! Holy em dashes, Batman! Was SJM typing with one hand or?
Gavin, sprawled and bloody behind her, stirred. His face was so mangled she could barely see the handsome, fierce features beneath.
Gavin got his ass whooped by Erawan but Elena still needs to bust a nut over how hot he once was lmfaoooooo you’re killing me SJM
But even Gavin had not known what [Elena]’d been planning. What she’d stolen and harbored all these months.
She did not regret it. Not when it had spared him from death. Worse.
Lmao is this an unintentional parallel to Alien and Rowboat because i am laughing Elena is punished for keeping secrets but Alien blatantly gets away with it holy fucking shit
Some spirits show up and tell Elena despite her efforts, no cigar. Erawan is gonna bust out of there eventually.
“He will rise again one day,” said the one of darkness and death. “He will awaken. You have wasted our Lock on a fool’s errand, when you could have solved all, had you only the patience and wits to understand.”
“Then let him awaken,” Elena begged, her voice breaking. “Let someone else inherit this war—someone better prepared.”
I’m a sucker for conflict like this, where the older generation passes their problems onto the younger generation and the falling out from that, but sadly SJM didn’t give me any good character to inherit these problems for me to care about. Such a good concept wasted on a shitty disguise for fantasy porn.
Elena has to promise she’ll help whoever holds the Wyrdkeys next to fix the problems she made. Thanks, Elena, for making me read Alien’s shitty adventure. The scene swaps over to another memory.
The Princess of Eyllwe had been wandering the Stone Marshes for weeks, searching for answers to riddles posed a thousand years ago. Answers that might save her doomed kingdom.
Wait.....Nehemia?
Nehemia, baby, what are you doing here? Flee this shitty novel! Run my child, be free and flee to the land of actual good writing!
So Elena tells Nehemia about Alien’s destiny to save everyone (gag) and to go forth and seek out Alien to help her.
“And the price?”
Elena hated them, then.
Hated the gods who had demanded this. Hated herself. Hated that this was asked, all these bright lights …
“You will not see Eyllwe again.”
Wow. So SJM really made a black woman’s entire character arc about dying for her precious snowflake OC, huh....SJM really out here dong Nehemia dirty like this.........
Nehemia swallowed. “Then I shall help in whatever way I can. For Erilea. And my people.”
GROSS SOBBING
NEHEMIA DESERVES SO MUCH BETTER THAN WHAT THIS SHITTY SERIES DID TO HER NEHEMIA BABY I AM SO SORRY
Chapter 66 opens with Assdion’s POV... great. Can I please see Maeve punch him in his stupid face?
Aedion Ashryver had been trained to kill men and hold a line in battle since he was old enough to lift a sword.
SJM is still attempting to get me to feel bad for Assdion. Well guess what Sarah, too little too late.
But Aedion’s duty wasn’t to remind [the soldiers] of the blunt facts. His duty was to make them willing to die, to make this fight seem utterly necessary.
Anything for your precious queen Alien, huh? Eat my ass, Assdion.
[Lysandra] had modified her sea dragon. Given it longer limbs—with prehensile thumbs.
Given her tail more strength, more control.
Holy fucking shit, and I thought Alien was a Mary Sue!!! So Lysandra can not only perfectly shift into a creature she’s never seen in the flesh before, she can also modify it like it’s an RPG??? Holy fucking shit Sarah quit making all your OCs over powered!! How the fuck am I supposed to be feel any tension or fear???
Arrows fired with better accuracy than the Valg foot soldiers, shooting like those rays of sunshine into the water. [Lysandra]’d prepared for that, too.
They bounced off scales of Spidersilk. Hours spent studying the material grafted onto Abraxos’s wings had taught her about it—how to change her own skin into the impenetrable fiber.
1. “rays of sunshine” the fucking imagery???? Does SJM know how words work???
2. HOLY SHIT, PULLED OUT OF YOUR ASS MUCH??? We were given no indication Lysandra had been studying Abraxos’s wings until now, what a fucking ass pull!!! If you’re going to introduce new sudden magical elements you have to show them beforehand, otherwise it looks like you wrote yourself into a corner and just farted out a solution last minute!!!!
I hate this book. I hated it before, but I really hate it. The fact that so many talented authors receive no attention but SJM’s absolute garbage dumpster fire novels that are just for porn with no other thought put into them get all this praise makes me want to jump off a bridge.
Anyways, now we’re in Dorito’s POV and SJM Dorito is splooging over how powerful Rowan is. Same old, same old.
But when Aelin found their bodies, or whatever was left of them if the sea didn’t claim them … she might very well end the world for rage. Maybe she should. Maybe this world deserved it.
I mean, if she ended the world this series would be over and I’m on board with that, but you guys have spent this entire novel fighting to protect the world from the bad guys and now suddenly when things get hard you’re like, “eh fuck it the world doesn’t deserve our help”? Wow, some heroes you guys are.
[Dorian] wished he’d had more time to talk to the witch. To get to know her beyond what his body had already learned.
I’m not touching this because it’s beyond fucking stupid and this is the moment SJM should’ve woken up and realized her precious romances have no chemistry and are simply there for porn purposes.
Anyways, surprise surprise, Rowboat’s begging actually worked and his cousins start firing at their own ships. Score one for ass pulls!
Rowan had told Enda about Aelin.
The next chapter opens up with this, and I’m honestly baffled. If Rowboat told his cousins about the selfish shitlord that is Alien, you’d think they’d be more than eager to destroy her ship. But I suppose not.
So [Rowan]’d gone, ship to ship. To the cousins he knew might listen.
An act of treason—that was what he had begged them for. Treason and betrayal so great they could never go home. Their lands, their titles, would be seized or destroyed.
So why the fuck did they decide to help him?
No, I’m serious, Rowan doesn’t tell us. If I was one of his cousins and this fucker showed up after betraying our queen and begged me to risk my own life and family to save him, I’d tell him to go fuck himself.
Is SJM fucking with us on purpose? Because none of this makes any sense. They have no logical reason to help Rowan at the risk of themselves, and I’d bet every cent I ever owned Rowboat won’t lift a finger to help any of his cousins after Maeve kicks them out.
SJM is a shitty writer. She’s worse than fucking George Lucas. That’s right, I said it, don’t fucking come @ me.
Maeve wouldn’t allow it. She’d wipe the Whitethorn line off the map for this.
If Rowboat’s cousin and his lover die because of this I am going to break something.
Anyways, Rowboat and the gang start winning because of fucking course they do, and Lorcan realizes Maeve isn’t actually on any of her ships, but on the same beach Elide was ordered to wait on. Well, duh, did you really expect Maeve to be that stupid?
The chapter is over, and oh my god less then 10 chapters..... I can do this, I can do this...........
Hopefully this next story is more interesting than the last!
This next story is The Assassin and the Healer. Also, since this is a new story, this is technically Chapter 1 again, but for the sake of this review, we’ll call it Chapter 11.
The strange young woman had been staying at the White Pig Inn for two days now and had hardly spoken to anyone save for Nolan, who had taken one look at her fine night-dark clothes and bent over backward to accommodate her.
The strange young woman, in case you’re wondering, is actually Celery herself. Meaning that we’re in a new POV! Thank god, I needed a break from being in Celery’s head.
Yrene Towers had been watching the young woman from the safety of the taproom bar. Watching, if only because the stranger was young and unaccompanied and sat at the back table with such stillness that it was impossible not to look. Not to wonder.
Yup, this story features Yrene, the healer who would later be in T0D. I can’t bear to read T0D and witness the butchering of my sweet innocent Chaol, but I’ve heard the horror stories. *shudders*
Yrene glanced at the mug she was currently cleaning and tried not to wince. She did her best to keep the bar and taproom clean, to serve the Pig’s patrons (...) with a smile. But Nolan still watered down the wine, still washed the sheets only when there was no denying the presence of lice and fleas, and sometimes used whatever meat could be found in the back alley for their daily stew.
Fucking nasty shit right there. Disgusting. I’d say let Yrene move somewhere else, but, well..... T0D showed what a mistake that was.
Yrene quickly poured ale into the mug she’d just been drying and set it on a tray. She added a glass of water and some more bread, since the girl hadn’t touched the stew she’d been given for dinner. Not a single bite. Smart woman.
Yrene is under the impression Celery is aware of how contaminated the food is and that someone might have tried to spike her food, so she’s wise not to eat it. Keep this in mind for later.
Yrene brings up another server named Jessa who takes most of the tips from the inn so SJM can slutshame another female character for using her sexuality and daring to be *gasp* feminine. SJM can kiss my ass.
Like most who hailed from southern Fenharrow, Yrene had golden-tan skin and absolutely ordinary brown hair and was of average height.
So is Yrene just a white girl with a tan, or......? I mean, golden-tan implies a tan in my eyes, but who knows.
Celaena Sardothien sat at her table in the absolutely worthless inn, wondering how her life had gone to hell so quickly.
Big Mood. Also, ungh, we’re back in Celery’s POV.
She’d been here for two days now—two days spent either holed up in her despicable room (a “suite,” the oily innkeeper had the nerve to call it), or down here in the taproom that stank of sweat, stale ale, and unwashed bodies.
Am I the only one umcomfy with how much SJM puts emphasize on all the evil/greedy characters being ugly? Like I know it’s just a book series, but coming from someone who is average looking and has very difficult hair that gets oily if I don’t wash twice a day, this just makes me uncomfortable. Maybe that’s just me.
Celaena sighed and took a long drink of her ale. She almost spat it out. Disgusting. Cheap as cheap could be, like the rest of this place. Like the stew she hadn’t touched. Whatever meat was in there wasn’t from any creature worth eating. Bread and mild cheese it was, then.
Nope, Celery isn’t concerned at all that flaunting her wealth around might cause her to gain a few enemies. The stew simply doesn’t live up to her expectations! I’m laughing.
She fought the urge to touch her face. The swelling from the beating Arobynn had given her had gone down, but the bruises remained. She avoided looking in the sliver of mirror above her dresser, knowing what she’d see: mottled purple and blue and yellow along her cheekbones, a vicious black eye, and a still-healing split lip.
Just throwing this out there in case anyone wants to defend Arobynn or say that he’s not all that bad because he took Celery in, he beat the shit out a sixteen year old. Real standup guy! Maybe I should review Q0S just to enjoy what happens to him...
There was no denying it: she’d merely been spoiling for a fight. No blades, no weapons. Just fists and feet. Celaena supposed she should feel bad about it—about the broken noses and jaws, about the heaps of unconscious bodies in her wake. But she didn’t.
She couldn’t bring herself to care, because those moments she spent brawling were the few moments she felt like herself again. When she felt like Adarlan’s greatest assassin, Arobynn Hamel’s chosen heir.
Hmm, I like this? Yeah Celery is a violent asshole, but it explains her mindset and trauma well because she feels as an assassin she has to fight, that the thrill of a fight keeps her going since she’s been raised that way since she was young. Very nice. I’ll admit, this book isn’t nearly as bad as the later novels in the series. It’s got Sammy and a few good moments like this.
Celery toys with the idea of running away, but she knows that Arobynn would hunt her down to kill her and informs us she still has no idea where Sammy is. I swear, if he’s hurt-
Chapter 12 switches back to Yrene’s POV.
Yrene couldn’t have left even if she wanted to. Last call wasn’t for another forty minutes, and she’d have to stay an hour after that to clean up and usher intoxicated patrons out the door. She didn’t care where they went once they passed the threshold—didn’t care if they wound up facedown in a watery ditch—just as long as they got out of the taproom. And stayed gone.
Damn, I feel for you, Yrene. Let me just say as someone who had to volunteer dozens of hours in the Girl Guides to serve as a waitress for charity suppers and teas? I know that #feel of dealing with the most unbearable costumers.
It was common knowledge that [Celaena] was leaving tomorrow at dawn.
Um.... how? Nobody knows she is a famous assassin, and only the workers of the inn would know how long she’s paid to stay. Did Celery just announce to all these sketchy drunks she’s leaving tomorrow?
Yrene swallowed hard, pouring another mug of ale. Her mother wouldn’t have hesitated to warn the girl.
But her mother had been a good woman—a woman who never wavered, who never turned away a sick or wounded person, no matter how poor, from the door of their cottage in southern Fenharrow. Never.
Another dead YA mom. Okay, I’m not against dead parents on principle (how can I be when one of my WIP’s protag’s arc is about discovering the past of his dead father), it’s a cliche old as time itself and for some stories, yeah it works. I just wish there were more YA moms who were alive and had a relationship with their kids, you know?
A bunch of costumers sexually harass Yrene because SJM novel, then we’re back in Celery’s POV.
Reckless and stupid, Sam would say. But Sam wasn’t here, and she didn’t know if he was dead or alive or beaten senseless by Arobynn. It was a safe bet Sam had been punished for the role he’d played in liberating the slaves in Skull’s Bay.
I miss Sammy... I want him and Yrene to become friends and abandon this shitty kingdom.
Sam had become her friend, she supposed. She’d never had the
luxury of friends, and never particularly wanted any. But Sam had been a good contender, even if he didn’t hesitate to say exactly what he thought about her, or her plans, or her abilities.
Huh... SJM isn’t immediately playing up the romance drama just yet and actually acknowledges they need to be friends first? Color me both shocked and impressed. Idk why SJM dropped this for later novels, but I’ll give her props for this.
Sighing, she slipped into her room and bolted the door. After a moment, she shoved the ancient chest of drawers in front of it, too. Not for her own safety. Oh, no. It was for the safety of whatever fool tried to break in—and would then find himself split open from navel to nose just to satisfy a wandering assassin’s boredom.
I’m telling y’all, Celery is a psychopath. it’s one thing for an assassin character to be neutral towards killing and murder, it’s another for them to want to slice open randos just for fun.
But after pacing for fifteen minutes, she pushed aside the furniture and left. Looking for a fight. For an adventure. For anything to take her mind off the bruises on her face and the punishment Arobynn had given her and the temptation to shirk her obligations and instead sail to a land far, far away.
Bitch I wish you would. Take the rest of this shitty series with you while you’re at it.
Yrene lugged the last of the rubbish pails into the misty alley behind the White Pig, her back and arms aching. Today had been longer than most.
And another POV switch in the same chapter? Damn, if this book was written today, this entire chapter would’ve been split up into like, 3 separate chapters.
Unsurprisingly, Jessa had vanished with her sailor, and given that the alley was empty, Yrene could only assume the young woman had gone elsewhere with him. Leaving her, yet again, to clean up.
It is shitty of Jessa to leave Yrene to clean up all of the mess but I still don’t like that lowkey slutshaming from earlier.
I told you to wait until it’s past—” she started, but paused as four figures stepped from the mist.
Men. The mercenaries from before.
Yrene was moving for the open doorway in a heartbeat, but they were fast - faster.
Before you recoil in horror, no, SJM isn’t stupid enough to write a sexual assault scene. We aren’t at AC0TAR levels of disgusting and offensiveness, yet. The mercenaries only try to rob Yrene.
“Saw you making some hefty tips tonight, girl. Where are they?”
But it was Jessa making the tips and not Yrene, right?
The man farthest from them was yanked into the mist with a strangled cry.
The mercenary holding her whirled toward him, dragging Yrene along. There was a ruffle of clothing, then a thump. Then silence.
“Ven?” the man blocking the door called.
You get three guesses as to who is rescuing her. The first two don’t count.
“Come out, you bleedin’ coward,” the ringleader growled. “Face us like a proper man.”
A low, soft laugh.
Yrene’s blood went cold. Silba, protect her.
She knew that laugh—knew the cool, cultured voice that went with it.
“Just like how you proper men surrounded a defenseless girl in an alley?”
If only it wasn’t Celery to the rescue, I might be able to delightfully enjoy this moment of girls protecting girls. Alas.
With that, the stranger stepped from the mist. She had two long daggers in her hands. And both blades were dark with dripping blood.
Total nitpick, but wouldn’t “And both blades were dripping with dark blood’ sounds better?
Overall, this story, despite the lowkey slut shaming in one part, is much more enjoyable than the last, even though Sammy is still nowhere to be seen. We’ll just have to wait and see if SJM butchers it.
