[gogocutler]

why the FUCK is tumblr recommending me TERF POSTS. get that SHIT off my FUCKING DASH!!!

[gogocutler]

Everyone I could ever call a friend, I’ve either severed all ties with or given up on. I don’t know how to make new ones, and I’m too afraid to try anyway. It sucks to be alone like that but it’s worse when it’s your own fault. Idk. Just wish I still had anyone I could relate to. Anyone to talk to or to trust.

[gogocutler]

every day i wake up and do the same things over and over. nothing ever gets better or comes from it. its just the same cycle day in day out. its like being in purgatory. i feel like my life doesnt belong to me. i spend more time at work than i do actually experiencing existence. even the small amount of time i have “to myself” isnt really that. and its more like a tiny allotment of life that im “allowed” to get away with each week. no one respects me or any of my decisions. im constantly being scrutinized and judged. i just get taken advantage of by everyone around me. i dont feel like a real person. i dont want things to be this way any more. i want to like my life, buti dont know how to change it. i dont think i can change it. 

[gogocutler]

there are times where i still feel so fucking sad about how badly i ruined a perfectly fine friendship. i liked talking to you. i thought you were funny and cool. and i fucked it all up and tried to make it something it could have never been and just completely destroyed everything. there are still times where i wish i could just say hi but i know that not only is that impossible but that it would do nothing good for anyone. i just have to accept my mistakes and move on, and i have. ive tried to, but it doesnt change the fact that we were friends and becuase i was unable to understand or control my emotoins, we are no longer friends and never will be again. that weighs on me still. and the fact that i still ever think about u at all bothers me to no end. ive gotten a lot better. my life is better now. i have someone in my life who makes me happy. i dont need you in my life in any way and god knows neither do you. but sometimes, i still think about it. and it sucks a lot.

[gogocutler]

feel so helpless and useless. dont know what to do. wish i did anything besides make other ppls lives harder

[gogocutler]

I have to change my whole personality I think. I’m tired of annoying everyone and making people upset and angry at me. I wish I was someone else

[gogocutler]

Going to die alone somewhere with nothing because you can’t do the simplest things on your own. Can’t do ANYTHING. You fuck up everything you attempt to do. A fuck up is all you are. Idiot.

[gogocutler]

I’m so fucking stupid. Complete fucking idiot trainwreck embarrassing piece of shit. So tired of having a worthless broken brain that can’t do anything correctly. Useless scatterbrained dumb fuck. Incompetent loser. Weirdo fucking insane unstable child. I hate myself.

[gogocutler]

I’ve been crying for hours and I feel like absolute shit. It’s so hard to handle things when you don’t have anyone to turn to for help. All I can do is post about it for no one to read or care about. Idk what to do I’m a fucking wreck.

[gogocutler]

Every time I try to be a part of someone else’s life, all I end up doing is making it harder and worse for them to the point that they can’t stand having to deal with me anymore. I just cause stress and worry. I’m not worth the hassle. I’m a fucking disease.

[gogocutler]

I try to avoid it as much as possible, but I hate being unintentionally reminded of interactions I’ve had with certain people in the past. It’s always embarrassing and/or shameful. I feel like I have no past because there’s so little I can look back on and say anything besides “what a mistake I was making, why did I act like that, why did I say that, why did I do that to myself” etc.

It’s like my life is a fuse slowly burning away, erasing itself as it goes, and I don’t wanna know what happens when the fuse runs out.

[gogocutler]

Today someone who I had decided to cut out of my life and who I had blocked on my phone apparently got a new number and messaged me. I’m pretty sure they knew I didn’t want to hear from them and it severely fucked with my mental state and got me feeling extremely fucked up. I’ve had a pit in my stomach and felt literally sick ever since it happened. There was a time where I went back and forth between talking with this person and blocking them, but after a long time i finally realized it was a bad idea and put my foot down and got rid of them for my own good. I had not thought of them at all for a long time. I had moved on and let it go and that message brought back so many bad feelings and memories and I don’t know how to describe it other than like a bad stomach ache. I struggled so hard to dettach myself from this person and the situation and I finally overcame that and was much better off for it. I feel dirty now. I don’t like to be reminded of that period of my life because it’s really embarrassing and painful. Obviously I blocked the new number too and tried to ignore it happening but I just can’t shake that sick feeling and I hope I can forget this happened soon.

[gogocutler]

Sometimes I read posts from this blog, and I feel an immense shame, because I feel like I have committed such terrible acts of cruelty and hatred to myself, and I feel as though I have severely disappointed the version of me who was just a child who didn’t want to feel bad. I imagine myself now, talking to me at 8 or 9 and telling him “someone is going to hate you so much that they will hurt you over and over again” and knowing that it’s me. The worst part is the heavy feeling in the back of my mind assuring me that I will always be unkind to myself again no matter what. A time will come where it will be too much again and the hate won’t be controllable again. It’s frightening to know that I am capable of such harm and loathing to my own body and mind.

[gogocutler]

I still waste way too much time thinking about/remembering people who will never be a part of my life again and it’s honestly so pointless and sad.

[gogocutler]

I am so full of dread every day. The virus is getting worse and worse each day. Things look so bleak. And on top of that, I just met a really great person who I like a lot, but my city just went under lockdown, so he can’t come over to my place for almost 3 weeks. I like him so much but I know he’s gonna break up with me. I can tell it’s going to happen. The distance will be to hard and he‘ll decide I’m not worth it. Just like she did. He’s gonna go away too. And I can’t do anything about it. I told myself I wouldn’t let this happen again. Told myself I would never get attached again but it’s so hard being alone. When someone comes along, it’s too hard not to let them in. And now I’ve set myself up to get crushed all over again and I’m so afraid now every day. Please god just let me have this? Please? I know I’m a piece of shit but don’t I deserve just once to be happy? Please let him stay. He’s so nice. Please just let one thing work out for me. Please

[gogocutler]

The person I always considered my best friend just had a child, and I didn’t even say anything to him about it. I don’t think we’ve talked in a month or so. I don’t think we will again. I don’t know how to and I’m afraid to and I don’t want to bother anyone.

I’m supposed to meet someone new tomorrow and I don’t think I can now. I’m too afraid to. I can’t let anyone around me. If someone gets to close they will realize I’m a loser and they will be disappointed with me. I can’t let anyone find out that there’s nothing beneath my skin and it’s just a hollow husk with maggots in it. I’m so fucking scared. I’m so fucking scared of going out and spending time with someone because I am so fucking afraid of people now and I am so afraid of what they will think of me. I think I have to cancel and stop talking to them. I don’t know what else to do, I’m so afraid.

I’ve never been at a point this low before. This is the bottom. I’ve never had less hope or been more detached or afraid or felt so empty and yet so full of dread about every aspect of everything and I have never ever wanted to hurt and destroy myself more than I have wanted to recently. Every time things take a tiny step upwards everything comes caving in and I have to realize how stupid I am for trying to be normal or real or to let myself feel ok for even one moment. I’m so fucking sad and scared and I don’t know what to do and I don’t have any fucking friends and I don’t feel like I’m part of my family and I don’t matter to anyone and I think I’m going to kill my self.

[gogocutler]

Cut today. Second or third time this month. Little worse than last time. Thought I was doing a little better. Felt ok. Only takes one little thing and everything starts spiraling again.

I hate myself so much. I hate you. I hate you.