you're suppose to lose your mind

... and marvel at the dirty, dirty mess I've made

[gogoemi]

Believe it or not, my heart that I longed to freeze over, is thawing... Broken pieces finding their rightful place to become whole again... ever single piece, no gaps or holes in between. The timing is insane... Just 2 days before it would have hit an entire month of no contact, a text... 2 texts... on separate numbers + a reply back... Just like that, you can back into my life a with a vengeance... Just like that the hurt feelings have subsided. Isn't that a crazy thing... how fickle feelings go.

//EDIT// The ones who you allow to make you feel can hit all the highs and the lows... as I finish this entry, as my heart is fuller than ever, as I am hopeful for the future, again... today, at this moment. It's been 8 days since you came back into my life. This heart is thawing and overflowing... getting deeper and deeper... filling in and becoming fuller... maybe this is the depth of love and devotion I've been waiting for... maybe this is the love that is so deep, it would make ocean would be jealous <3

[gogoemi]

It's that feeling like the world is going to swallow you whole. It's still to think that this despair and loss I feel is my own doing. I chose to feel all these feelings. Nothing I wrote or did made you want to go back to me. It was your choice to leave and not look back. It was my choice to let my emotions get the best of me. As I hit almost a month of the day I was left with my heart hands, drying up and running out of nutrients, I crave those feelings. That high of something new, the feeling that I am wanted and needed... Don't get me wrong... I have it... Maybe I just crave security, I'm a basic bishhh. Routine. Materialistic. Lazy. I have so much to offer, but it seems I have been selling myself short. Here I go... mending my bled/dried out heart. I will wait patiently for that one person who will offer and provide everything I need and want... I will give them the world because they deserve it... they will give me the world. I long for sanity, peace, repetition, stability... most especially, a love so deep to drown and ease my thoughts in bliss. <3

[gogoemi]

I just wanted this feeling to just disappear as soon as you left me hanging, but somehow I ended up stuck... stuck in this rut of everlasting purgatory of emotion. The more time goes, the more I realized how much I meant to you... it wasn't that much. Such big, profound words... but the outcome... your actions proved opposite… opposite of those words you swore meant something… those words I bite my tongue down and pressed my lips tight to not utter… but I did, for you… I did…

I typed and kept typing all these e-mails to you.. maybe 5? And nothing... I was nothing to you. I called it, I knew that it was too good to be true... I wasn't your person as I allowed you to be mine... You said it first, you said you meant it. I trusted your feelings. I trusted you. I let you in. In an instance, just like that... you left me with my heart in my hands as i had offered it... openly. Open to the elements, unprotected, all because I allowed myself to believe you would protect it.

I sit here, waiting for time to pass, waiting for time to heal and recover this heart back into my chest. It's really been a rough month... so much has gone down... I'm just waiting to hit bottom so I can start my climb back up... this foundation has so many cracks already... I'm just so tired... This is my crutch... I give it all... My results come back negative.

I need to stop lying to myself, I need to stop hoping, if you wanted me... you wouldn't have let me go so easily... you let me go so easily... I gave it all to you so easily... I'm such a fool, I keep fooling myself. I keep putting myself in this repeat cycle... I need to let you go, just as easily as you let me slip through your fingers...

I wasn't enough for you... My life story... I'm not enough for anyone... I'm just done with this... Never will I put myself out there like that again...

So I will sit here, watching... waiting... until time allows these painful feelings fade away like this sunset.... and soon that part of my heart will never come out and will remain in darkness...

[gogoemi]

I remember you saying that once you break up with someone, you write them off completely.

I remember writing to you that there wasn't any turning back.

I'm so impulsive, stubborn, overly passionate, hopeless romantic, and I let you in. All those warm, loving feelings had left with you. I'm trying not to blame myself for how I allowed this to unravel. I'm sorry I made you feel past traumas that seem to still be raw for you... I feel like I lost a huge chuck of me and this pain isn't gone yet. I know it's unfair to you to ask so much, to reach out to me and give me the final blow. Instead, you have done what you said you would...

I have been written off. 6 days... it's still raw... it still hurts... I went full rogue and typed a storm and forced my feelings on you. I'm sorry. That's not very considerate of me. I wished you loved me enough to reach out and try to mend this. I wish we could've stayed together and plan for a future together.

Now I see, I was just someone who did meet your expectations. Your wants and your needs. You deserve to have those met.

We both deserve that, but I want you and need you. I chose you, but you didn't choose me back. I thought we were each other's kindred spirit... We had a great romance, I had a great romance with you. Your goofiness, kindness, gentle words, and patience were there, but I guess I was too much for you. That wasn't who I am, what I am is a friend who is wanting to support and be present for another. That's where we couldn't see eye to eye.

So I lay and wait until this feelings drip away with every tear.... pouring out until these feelings finally so fall with pain of loss... I just want to take that breath of acceptance that you aren't coming back into my life... I just want to fast forward to forgetting... but here I am... feeling and filling this sea of tears I'm currently still crying out for you.

[gogoemi]

I have always had the ultimate sweet tooth. Whenever I had the opportunity, I would eat dessert first. I find comfort in the sweet and savory because I long for it all. I want it all, but I know if i try and get it... I will be left with nothing. I know to be grateful and know I am so lucky... but what is this void. This unsatisfied need for more. I would like to have my cake and eat it too.

[gogoemi]

This past weekend has clearly helped me recognize that I do long to be longed. I really do crave a love so deep that I would stop feeling tired and feel that sense of security, unfortunately, though I am more fortunate than others, there is this desire for security and wanting to have someone dependable… I am so tired of being strong, growing up alone… I feel that I have locked myself in Neverland because I refused to go at it alone..

So I waited. I am still waiting. Still longing. Still craving a love so deep that the ocean would be jealous.

This morning calm is the scene before the hurricane of suppressed emotion hits the fan. I just can’t hold it in for much longer.

[gogoemi]

Most days I feel little, like everything is towering over me. This feeling is not allowing me to get that extra room to grow, evolve, or build upon.

Maybe I should should use my time more wisely and repair the foundation of my life, get back to basics. No one can really become better, stronger, or wiser without filling in the holes or cracks from over the years.

Need to hit bottom, repair shaky foundations because from what we have learned… life will always give you a 360.

I’m all over the place this morning, but free typing allows me to gain perspective. Happy New Year everyone!

[gogoemi]

Stopped at this area to Trek for a bit, after a wine tasting… wine indulging, really.
It’s been almost 4 months here in South Korea. The days go by slow, but the weeks happen too quickly. Pandemic is still in view, along with anxiety and steady restrictions. We had a slight taste of freedom and then retracted as quickly as it was given. 
This gloom of winter freezing time… but really just freezing actual movement and having our wanderlust thirst unquenched… because, duh, frozen water XD~
So here I sit, warmly nestled in the comforts of my bean bag chair… awaiting if I can give this holiday another shot towards adventure… or do I quarantine? Positive or negative, no clue yet, keep you posted.
Anxiety keeps creeping and so do these walls… maybe its my fault opting for a smaller apartment? I like cozy. I like to fill my safety space with bits and pieces to make it feel like home… away from home… a little over 8 months left til I cross this ocean and an entire continent to be, what I would consider, home. 
This void seems to be getting deeper as the days are masked with winter and night is 16 hours long now. I am solar powered, oranges can’t keep this pep in my step. I need that vitamin D… you read that correctly in all interpretation.
Peace, Love, and Boba

[gogoemi]

Let's pretend we're not needy Let's pretend our hearts still beat Let's pretend we fall in love tonight Clumsy enough to fall for anything We'll stumble on our words We'll spill our guts on creaking bar stools

[gogoemi]

That feeling you get in your gut... Invited to a party, but no one is sitting at your table nor did you know anyone and the only person you knew wasn't there to support and comfort you. kinda lonely again. Maybe if I followed my gut and less on my hopefulness and love for someone who is significant to me... Maybe I wouldn't be in a place where I thought I had someone who I wanted to feel equally the same be someone opposite of that. So here I sit, at a joyous event, by myself wondering if I should give my best wishes and leave or stay and ride it out...

[gogoemi]

Tunnel vision seems to make you think that something that you're focusing on is important. I love him, he feels like home to me, but how can he not know if he wants to be with me. This isn’t the love that keeps people together. This is the obligation and expectations that fills us up. I wish you loved me as much as I love you. I have to stray away from this tunnel vision of us surviving this. If you don’t know, I can’t be the answer that you are looking for…

[gogoemi]

What was lost can not be found...

There is a stranger in my bed.

[gogoemi]

How many chances will I let slide… Doesn’t seem like I’m counting…

[gogoemi]

Just when I thought there was clarity in my life, bright, crisp, shiny... I'm the fool again. Meaningless words is what I was given... These words I've believed in and trusted. False hope and pretenses. To take a few steps back, wait or to move forward alone. Time will tell and time is all the I have. Unsure of the future after our last conversation, in need of a plan B.

[gogoemi]

Unsure where this road might take me or what I will find, but I know that questions will be answered in due time... With you by my side, I know I will enjoy this road trip to anywhere. ❤

[gogoemi]

Come here and take off your clothes and with them every single worry you have ever carried. My finger tips on your back will be the very last thing you will ever feel before sleeping and sound of my smile will be the alarm clock to your morning ears. Come here and take off your clothes and with them the weight of every yesterday that snuck atop your shoulders and declare them home. My whispers will be the soundtrack to your secret dreams and my hand the anchor to the life you will open your eyes to. Come here and take off you clothes.

-Tyler Knott Gregson

[gogoemi]

I may be moving on, but I can’t help feeling that sting from past… both yours and mine. This sting needs to be balanced with a lot of trust and communication. Ouch, this may take some time.

[gogoemi]

Solar powered, maybe I should be lunar powered instead. No one can truly and honestly be completely happy with pretending that everything is as it seems, when it isn’t. There is always dark in the light, a shadow that seems to eclipse my heart once again. Will I ever be more than content. There is definitely something wrong with me.

Total Eclipse Of The Heart…