i killed a cactus once

chilled, call me chris ao3: goldsbitch instagram: golds_bitch

[goldsbitch]

masterlist

** personal favorites! the queen of typos is here - longer fics at the top, one shots below

for legal and obvious reasons, this all just one big joke. this is not a reflection of how real people act, behave or think. do not share outside of tumblr or ao3

Lestappen

**Twelve Grapes - prologue p1, p2, p3, p4, p5, p6, p7.1, p7.2, p8, p9.1, p9.2, p10, p11.1, p11.2, p12.1, p12.2, epilogue (complete)

summary: Yeah, sure. Let’s do the talking on track. Only - the track is public roads of Monaco and the talking is a couple fight. somewhat friends to lovers, soulmate au vibes, slowburn, angst and fluff, smut later on, lestappen

I'm Not Your Prince p1, p2, p3, p4, p5, p6, p7, p8, p9, p10, p11, p12, p13, p14, p15

summary: Charles Leclerc joins Red Bull. He does not come quietly. Let them build churches out of stolen glances.

Best Kept Secret p2, p3, p4, p5, p6, p7, p8

summary: Max suffers from amnesia. Charles suffers with him - not that Max would know.

Lando Norris

**That one Christmas flight part 2, part 3, part 4, part 5, part 6, part 7, part 8 epilogue p1, epilogue p.2 (complete)

summary: Y/N and Lando Norris are seated next to each other on a long flight. Innocent little Christmas tradition that Y/N does every year brings them just a little too close. fluff, cheesy, meet cute, angst, slowburn and smut later on

///////////

Right? part 2, part 3, part 4, part 5, part 6, part 7, part 8 (complete)

summary: Y/N is a photographer for McLaren F1 team. Hard working, goal oriented professional who would never put her career in jeopardy for some stupid crush, right?

That is until a photoshoot gets out of hand and there is no way to go but forward. teasing, flirting, little smutty, work fling

///////////

Just don't talk p 2, p 3, p 4, p 5, p 6, p 7, p 8, p 9, p10, p 11, p 12,

summary: Enemies to lovers on steroids. Lando can't stand Y/N, the first female driver in F1 in a long time. He also can't stand having her with her clothes on. enemies to lovers, fake dating

warnings: swear words, minors do not interact, just generally don't take this one too seriously, smut

Charles Leclerc

**I gave so many signs part 2 , part 3, part 4 (complete)

summary: First unrequited love is not the one to ever leave your mind. Y/N looks back at her missed connection with Charles Leclerc, from the time they were just teenagers and regrets having him slip away. Song fic. friends to lovers

one shots and short fics

LN -** My Name - pre-proposal fluff LN - BEEP - first evening in their own apartment fluff LN -**You texted... - making up after a fight, angst LN - The hair thing - fluff LN - Hypochondria , p2 , p3, p4- soulmate au, angst LN - short king - short blurb about a tiny height difference LN - **the last time I pick you up - moving apartments, nostalgia, smut LN - remember that - first time Lando nearly ends up sleeping on the couch, miscommunication LN - **Fire. - incident at McLaren sparks a confession, fluff and fun LN - **I'll drive - Lando is not a good passenger princess, fun LN - Four times I bumped into you and one time I fell - delayed meet cute, fluff LN - Open your eyes - best friends help each other out, insecure reader, light smut LN - ***monaco kiss.wav - Lando and Y/N end up recording anonymous smut song, nsfw CL + MV - ** somewhere between yours and mine - tooth-rotting lestappen fluff

Norris Family Polaroids LN - Blink Once - Lando mixes up his twins, domestic, fluff, fun LN - Kiss with a fist - Lando's twin daughter kisses a boy! fun LN - Home is where Dad's car is - one of the girls runs away, fun

F1 grid - Light Roast Mosaic - coffee shop AUs blending into each other

CL - **Past Lives - soulmate au, romantic

OP - Ah... - soulmate au, words written on wrists

FC - Not on the menu - playboy Franco breaking hearts, smut and angst

[souvenir116]

whole house mad 😭

[sunnytastic]

goodbye mclaren mastercard formula 1 team

[lecmonica]

austria jeddah spa cota being lestappen temples, hungary being landoscar vs mclaren special kind of hell

[formulahs]

i have this lifelong dream of witnessing lando and oscar simply overtaking each other for a win rather than crying on team radio about it

[glitteringoldsharks]

"just because he is driving in the midfield he thinks he can do anything"

[asterikks]

aint no way mclaren is considering using team orders at fucking HUNGARY

[asterikks]

#looking

[goldsbitch]

lando norris, post quali interview, hungary 2026: "we've always performed well as a team on this track"

me: war flashbacks

[goldsbitch]

what is it about this circuit and mclaren team orders???

[apropensityforcharm]

um hello he looks hot as hell in this

[souvenir116]

INSANE OVERTAKE

[formulaocean]

Imagine you’re being called SLOW by your old rival but it doesn’t matter because even without pace you’re defending like a GOD and he can’t overtake you to join the fight for a win and then your team let’s you get UNDERCUT by him and it’s all for nothing but youre clinically INSANE and have NOTHING to lose and break at the latest possible moment to take back the position you barely have the pace for

[goldsbitch]

hamilton: "max is really slow"

....is he requesting cross-team team orders?

[utopiastri]

ah yes. my favourite part of bahrain. the country of malaysia

[ahsoka-in-a-hood]

Apparently some people still need to hear this so: using an 'ai checker' is still using ai. If you are feeding someone's fic to one of these checkers, you will still not be sure their fic is ai because they are not 100% accurate, but you can be 100% sure that you are using ai. For fic. Furthermore you are doing the work of an ai scraper for them. You are, personally, feeding the machine. There is no actual excuse for using an ai checker on fanfic as a hobby. YOU are the problem.

If you think a fic is ai, mute it and move on. That's it. That's all you do.

[katebeckets]

"it's a tv show" "it's not real" i don't care. NO SHOES ON THE BED

[katebeckets]

okay if this breaks containment I think my asian grandparents would be proud of this post being my legacy. but for their sake i must clarify my personal stance. NO SHOES IN THE HOUSE AT ALL

[dosmiltres]

kimi did not slow down for a reason. but george fans maybe do not want to hear them.

[dosmiltres]

my baldie said it

[sespursongles-deactivated201906]

And speaking of Sophia Tolstoy, her diaries are just so depressing. 

“I am to gratify his pleasure and nurse his child, I am a piece of household furniture, I am a woman. I try to suppress all human feelings. When the machine is working properly it heats the milk, knits a blanket, makes little requests and bustles about trying not to think […].“

She wrote this when she was 19, one year into her marriage to Leo and as she was pregnant with the first of his 13 children.

A few years later, when she was 25 or so:

“I am so often alone with my thoughts that the need to write in my diary comes quite naturally … Now I am well again and not pregnant—it terrifies me how often I have been in that condition. He said that for him being young meant “I can achieve anything”. For me […] reason tells me that there is nothing I either want or can do beyond nursing, eating, drinking, sleeping, and loving and caring for my husband and babies, all of which I know is happiness of a kind, but why do I feel so woeful all the time, and weep as I did yesterday? I am writing this now with the pleasantly exciting sense that nobody will ever read it, so I can be quite frank with myself […].“

During her 12th pregnancy she wrote about taking scalding baths and jumping from high pieces of furniture to try and miscarry.  And at one point while reading her husband’s diary (which he told her to read) she found the sentence “There is no such thing as love, only the physical need for intercourse and the practical need for a life companion.” In her own diary she wrote “They ebb and flow like waves, these times when I realise how lonely I am and want only to cry…”

A few years before her husband’s death, she published a cycle of prose poems titled “Groans”, under the pseudonym “A Tired Woman”.

[julienbakerfavormp3-deactivated]

the most depressing quote from her diaries:

“I have served a genius for almost forty years. Hundreds of times I have felt my intellectual energy stir within me and all sorts of desires - a longing for education, a love of music and the arts… And time and again I have crushed and smothered these longings… Everyone asks, “But why should a worthless woman like you need an intellectual or artistic life?” To this question I can only reply: “I don’t know, but eternally suppressing it to serve a genius is a great misfortune.”