Goodbye Blue Monday

A place where I can imagine that Everything Is Beautiful and Nothing Hurts

[goodbyeblu-monday]

one.

I remember when I thought relationships were something that everyone else go to experience and I got to observe. I never imagined actually taking an active part in a two person functioning agreement. 

I never thought that someone like him existed. Someone who had experienced many of the same feelings towards relationships as me; thinking that they were indeed for others and never one’s self. 

We fell in love and it was terrifying. Neither of us had ever had to deal with such emotions and risk before. The uncharted terrain made it scary, but the rewards so much richer. 

He loves me in a way that I never imagined someone would ever love me. Totally, completely and without compromise. 

I never expected him. And because of that, I believe every single day that I do have with him to be an added bonus in my life that I will never take for granted. 

[goodbyeblu-monday]

update

so, it’s been a while since I’ve posted here. I realised that I always turned to writing mindless tumblr posts when I was lonely and sad and felt like I needed to vent to the invisible wall of nothing and faceless nobodies. 

reading posts from below make me giggle and my head swell with the naiveté of it all. One year ago I went on my very first date as instructed by my therapist. I was terrified and nervous and I felt so detached from it all. One year later I’m living with that boy and we are celebrating our 1 year anniversary and it still blows my mind. 

the universe does some weird shit sometimes, and this was definitely one of them. I’m so thankful everyday for the person that came into my life and changed everything for the better - something that I never expected to happen. And yes, I still get sad; having someone that loves you doesn’t fix all of it, but it does make it that little bit easier and life that little bit brighter.  

[goodbyeblu-monday]

This is weird. I’m unfamiliar with these feelings. 

[goodbyeblu-monday]

I hate the fact that it’s so much easier to love yourself when someone else loves you. I shouldn’t have to be this dependent on someone else’s feelings. I should be able to accept me without their reassurance. 

I hate that I can’t do this. 

[goodbyeblu-monday]

Waiting for something to fuck up because this doesn’t happen to me. 

[goodbyeblu-monday]

Can't sleep. My house is making weird noises

[goodbyeblu-monday]

I'm always fascinated by how I can talk myself out of anything

[goodbyeblu-monday]

He likes my weirdness... but will he feel the same about my craziness? 

only time will tell...

[goodbyeblu-monday]

how come this feels like the most natural thing in the world? 

[goodbyeblu-monday]

Is this what catching feelings feels like? If it is. I don't like it.

[goodbyeblu-monday]

When you’re trying to flirt and someone asks what you got up today and you have to reply in cryptic non-committal responses because you feel like mentioning the minor mental breakdown that you had wouldn’t be cute or endearing.

[educazionesentimentale]

[goodbyeblu-monday]

sound advice

[goodbyeblu-monday]

After debriefing the date I went on with my therapist, she assured me that she was most proud and that I should definitely see him again, if not because I actually enjoyed his company, but as a social experiment to prove to myself that I can act like a somewhat normal human. This poor sucker has no idea what he's got himself into.....

[goodbyeblu-monday]

Special shout out to my therapist who told me that going on a date would be a good idea. While I sit here dying from anxiety overload. And wanting to cancel so very badly. But knowing I can't. There's a reason why I don't date. And this is it.

[goodbyeblu-monday]

Went out last night and completely departed my comfort zone. Spent the night partying it up with a group of English boys who took us to clubs I had never heard of (I was meant to be the local). 

Gave a boy my number (which I had stopped doing about 2 years ago) and he insists that we’re going on a date this week. Do I believe him? Or that it will actually happen? 

Who knows? 

But either way, it’s been major progress. 

My therapist will be so pleased. 

[goodbyeblu-monday]

first night. new house. feeling very grown up all of a sudden. 

I hope the place isn’t haunted.

[goodbyeblu-monday]

does anyone actually think moving is a good/productive idea?

Kill me.