brain vomit

a place to keep some thoughts to revisit at the end of the year

[goodbyemyfirstlove]

Happy birthday, Zoe. I love you, my squirrel.

Last year, we went to get rats. It was fun, even though a little frustrating since Oatly escaped, but we got him in the end. I think we got take out afterwards.

I wish I could reach out today, but I think that would just hurt both of us. I wish you would say happy birthday when it's my turn, but you probably don't even remember when my birthday is.

I love you. I miss you. Happy 30th birthday, Zoe. I think I'm still glad we met.

[goodbyemyfirstlove]

Dear Zoe,

I love you. I love you so much. I love you with my whole being. I want to be with you. I want you to want me, too. I wish things were different. I wish we could be together. I gave you everything I have. I gave you my heart. I believed you when you told me you wanted to be with me forever. But you don't get to treat me however you want. I deserve love that doesn't make me feel lonely or like my feelings, needs, or wants are a burden. I deserve a love better than that. I deserve to feel important. I deserve to be prioritized, at least some of the time. You have shown me that if I stay with you, there will always be something or someone that needs to come before me, including yourself. You will always be my first love. You will always have a tender spot in my heart. I wish you were here with me, holding me, telling me you love me and that everything between us will be alright. But you're not.

Love, always,

M

[goodbyemyfirstlove]

She left for camp for 10 days. An extra day for sf pride. She was free there. Then she had to come back to me. And she's going to be leaving me soon to go back, permanently.

She came back with a big hickey. Given to her by someone else. After her being vigilant that I don't leave any trace of us on her body, it just happens with someone else, she didn't even notice it happen. She says she'll test for STIs but who knows if she'll actually do that, I don't. I don't even know if she talked to her other partner about it.

I didn't know so much would change so quickly. We won't spend our birthdays together anymore. I don't think the business we talked about starting can even be on the back burner anymore. I won't have barrier-free sex with her anymore; honestly don't even know if we'll have sex before she leaves. I only have a month or two to touch her, talk with her, be near her before she's gone. I don't expect her to keep that close contact with me. She thinks she will but I'm just a distraction to her. She has so many more things to do and people to meet than to be bothered to remember me.

We used to talk about growing old together, about being a part of each other's lives. I know she loves me and I love her, but I think that's a lot of wishful thinking. Reality is so much colder. I don't think she'll remember me enough to keep in touch. More like an occasional text here and there, maybe a multi-friend snap too. Honestly, is be surprised if she even remembered my birthday. I don't know if it's want that either.

I don't think we'll be seeing each other again. I don't think we'll be in the same room again once she leaves, forget it if we'll keep in touch.

We had almost 2 years. Lots of good times, lots of bad times. And now I'm lost. Just a sad little human, just a little bit more than a shell, I guess. So much heartbreak in less than 2 years and more to follow.

She needs this. She needs room to grow even more, to be free. Free from me free, from her past, free from us. I can't stand in her way, I won't. She has so much more confidence now. She's already changed and grown so much over the week and a half she was gone that I don't recognize her, she's not familiar to me. It's scary. All I can do know is wish her the best. Send her off smiling, with all my hopes and dreams I've had for us and let her go.

Goodbye, my first love. Truly, I hope you find what you're looking for.

[goodbyemyfirstlove]

Monday, we drove around for your errands. You were turning right and there was someone crossing at the crosswalk from the other side. You wait until they finish crossing, they had paused and looked like they were waiting for you but you didn't turn. You finally turn one they're done crossing and I ask why or bring up that you had time to turn or something. You get defensive and say I'm critiquing you (which critiquing and criticizing are different things and you meant criticizing) and judging you. You also mention it's against the law to complete a turn of someone is in the crosswalk (which it isn't for the state and neither for the cities we're in). I try to talk to you about why you're suddenly upset and you say that you want to table this conversation (I don't believe you'll actually ever bring this up again or try to make time for it, we already have a lot to talk about if we ever do get around to it). You tell me it's not important for me to know. Do you even understand how fucking condescending that is? I say something that is pretty normal and was asking for clarification and I get "it's not important for you to understand" when I've clearly done something to upset you and I don't know why. And we were going to go on more errands to get you clothes which is already something you're sensitive about. What if I say something again that I think is completely f fine or typical to say and you just get upset again and refuse to talk to me about it. This fucking past year has been you telling me you like to talk things through as soon as they happen and don't like it when I take to long to process things.

Today you say that you weren't even that upset and that you were able to table the conversation. You compare me to your ex again. You say that I got upset because you got upset. You say that you wanted to have a good time with me (I hate it when you say things like that, it still implies that it's my responsibility to keep my feelings in check so you can have a good time). You've already made up your mind about what was going on. What's the point in trying to change your mind? It'll just happen again. And keep happening until I finally decide to stop accepting what you say to me. It's like you can't or don't want to understand that your words hurt me. It doesn't matter if you're upset or if I'm in the wrong, your words can and have hurt me.

You pressed and pushed me last night to explain to you why I didn't like your sexual joke while we watched a character get abused. You said I was kink shaming you. You wanted me to list out what you liked sexually to prove that it wasn't the abuse, manipulation, or the entrapment you were referring to. You raised your voice at me because I didn't want to talk about it, because I don't believe you actually want to hear what I say. You kept pushing and talking at me to get me to talk. But when I ask about you turning right at a crosswalk, I get told that I don't need to know. That it's not important for me to know. But when's the next time? When's the other shoe going to drop? When the next time you're going to be upset with me for a thing that I said that I think is fucking normal to say?

[goodbyemyfirstlove]

I did a family day trip today. Left at 7:30 am and got back around 4:45 pm. You were invited. But you said you wanted to get your training done. You leave soon for camp. You text me that you miss me and ask for hugs and kisses when I get back. I get back and you're editing a TikTok video. You say you didn't do anything yet except go for a run and do a bunch of thank yous for your gofundme, that you are going live soon and you still didn't do your training. You declined coming with us to do training but you didn't prioritize it. I don't understand why you didn't prioritize it over sending thank yous that are not urgent or recording a video or going live which is also not urgent. I can't understand why. If you just weren't interested in coming, why couldn't you just say that? I canceled our love work because I don't believe you can or would make time. It's in your calendar and it's my week to initiate but you're supposed to leave in a few days and you still have a bunch of things to do before you leave. And unless I bring it up again, I don't believe that you'll remember that we still were going to talk about what happened a few Wednesdays ago.

I don't believe that you'll get a job of your own volition. Not even picking up shifts to wash dishes a few times a week. I'm already looking at a second part-time job and it feels like you're not doing anything. You stopped doing OnlyFans because it suddenly makes you uncomfortable, like you didn't fully understand the risks and what it means for people to use you for sexual gratification. You've been saying that you're doing everything you can to make money to pay your bills but you're not.

What's the point in trying? This is just who you are.

[goodbyemyfirstlove]

I think I'm going to have to walk away from this. I wish I could stay and try but I think maybe it's too much for me. I wanted to believe in us so badly. I wanted to believe that we could have a life together. It meant so much to me to actually hear she wanted to be with me like that. Especially pining for her for months. I have to go back on my promise to not abandon her and that sucks. I'll just be another ex that kicked her out. I'm so tired of trying. I'm so tired of failing. I don't think I'm strong enough to try again. I'm tired of hurting. I love her. I'll always love her. Why does it have to hurt so much to stay beside her?

[goodbyemyfirstlove]

Yesterday, it started out ok. I still was feeling pretty guilty about taking up too much time. Feeling like I ask for too much time. We talked a bit, I cried. She held me while playing Animal Crossing, telling me sweet nothings like she wants to spend time with me, she wants to prioritize me. I know she loves me, I love her.

We went out together; while I drove, she was checking her phone. She could pick up some of the things I said. I gave up trying to talk after a while. When I parked, I still doubted if she even wanted to come out with me. Maybe she wanted to work more or talk to her friends more. She said she wanted to go and walk around with me so we did, grabbed some coffee, went thrifting. She bought me something even though she struggles to pay her bills. She got a dress and shorts. She was so excited with the dress, she looked cute in it, twirling around. I headed out to spend time with my family. She had work to do. She hasn't been coming along with me to family things anymore, maybe because it's too hard, maybe because it takes too much time, maybe both or so many other possibilities.

We had talked about watching a movie when I got back, spending more time together even though we already did earlier. She was still working when I got back, things weren't going as smoothly as she hoped. I waited, thinking about our possible date on Friday. When she came down, she was frustrated but seemed done.

She ate dinner and I picked a movie. We started watching, it was a pretty bad movie so she started checking her phone. It was about work and she kept becoming frustrated. I hadn't said before that I'd like her to be done and just watch the terrible movie with me. I hadn't clarified my expectations nor had we agreed what our expectations would be for spending time together. After the second or third time of prodding her (I didn't use my words, my bad), I asked if she still wanted to watch the movie. She said yes and dropped her phone on the table with an exasperated sigh. She said there wasn't much happening in the movie so she wasn't really missing anything. But that's not the point. She started to cuddle me more. It felt disingenuous. She tried to tease me by nibbling my ear and trying to touch me in between my legs, I refused those advances but was still touching her with my leg across hers.

Once the movie ended, we went immediately to our phones. She talked to me about some hate comments from her post and a fan tipping her without coming to an agreement for their custom request. She got on top of me almost like she was looking for me to touch her intimately. I felt gross thinking about being physically intimate right after discussing her Onlyfans. She went back to work to do a live on TikTok.

I began searching for my hot glue gun and listening to my audiobook. I was listening too loud and without earbuds. I ruined her live. I should've known better, I'll just wear my earbud from now on. I asked her to not do lives when I go to sleep. She agreed to go to the basement instead. The sound still travels but I guess that's the compromise.

She feels like she's not doing enough, that she's always doing the wrong thing, that she's just trying to survive. Am I too needy? Am I just asking for too much? Maybe I'm the problem, maybe we just don't work together. Maybe this day was just not our day.