The very basics on surviving socialising as an aspie
A lot of aspies seem to be talking about how hard it is to socialise, how they stand absolutely no chance of ever being in a relationship or easily making friends.
I am on the spectrum, and have been in a stable relationship for going on two years, and whilst being autistic can make it harder to be in a relationship or to make friends, it definitely does not rule you out from such entirely.
I am not amazingly experienced, but these are good social survival techniques that I know that I am sure you could apply to the world of relationshippyness.
First of all, the best place to meet people is somewhere you feel safe or passionate about. If you love trains, go to train conventions, if you love singing, join a choir. You are much more likely to meet people who love and respect your interests at such places, and you are likely to be more relaxed and yourself.
Singles nights donât tend to be the best place, as everyone is on relationship mode and possibly a little desperate, so will be trying really hard to find that one perfect person that fits all their boxes and will never ever break up with them, and often this person doesnât exist. So they will be more judgemental at singles events, as they are actively analysing you to see if you are the right partner, rather than doing this passively, where they would likely be more accepting.
If you donât find someone at the event you attend, you can keep attending just because itâs a nice event, or go to other events that you like if you want to continue looking.
Keeping good hygiene and appearance is very important. Brushing your teeth twice a day, having your daily shower, putting deodorant on in the morning, changing your sanitary towel every 4 hours (If you are a woman on her period), doing your hair nicely, washing your hair with shampoo and conditioner at least once per week, these are all very important. On a basic level, humans associate bad smelling people with illness and disease. If you smell bad, people will think you are dirty and worry that they will catch things from you.
If you smell bad despite this, remember that you should change the towel that you dry yourself after washing with at least once a week, underpants/nickers tops, and socks should be changed every day, bras should be changed every couple of days, and trousers/skirts/shorts/outer lower garments should be changed at least once a week, or whenever they get a stain on them. The same goes for jumpers, pullovers and cardigans, though coats and jackets only need washing when they start to smell. The golden rule for washing clothes is: at the end of the day if it has a stain on, or smells even slightly of body odour, then the garment needs washing. Most shoes arenât washable, but if you have smelly feet you can get spray to make your shoes smell better.
If you are still worried about smelling bad, perfume if you are a woman, and aftershave if you are a man should help.
Also, clothes matter. There will be colours that do or do not look good on you based on your build, skin tone, and eye and hair colour. Everyone looks bad wearing the wrong clothes, even very pretty people.
Remember that if a main item of clothing you are wearing (top/trousers/skirt/leggings) has a pattern on it, then the rest of the clothes you are wearing with it should be plain.
Try not to incorporate more than two colours into an outfit unless one item is patterned with multiple colours, in which case pick your other colour to wear from that pattern, and all the other clothes you wear with that item should be the other second colour (so if you have a light blue, mid green, and light purple skirt, either wear light blue, mid green, or light purple other clothes to go with it.
Shoes count a lot as well, your shoes should either be a neutral colour that doesnât clash (white, black, grey, brown) or a colour that goes with your outfit (wear a dark blue dress with dark blue shoes, for example). Different shoes are for different occasions.
If you are dressed formally, dress shoes look good for men, and (if in a dress) women look good in heels. If less formally dressed you can wear trainers(sneakers) or other similar items if wearing shorts or trousers, and with less formal dresses, women look good in flat shoes. Women can wear sandals/flip flops at any less formal occasion with their dress, but men should only wear flip flops or sandals if they are somewhere hot.
This can seem a bit complicated. The best thing to do is to have your colours done if you want to know what colours suit you. This means going to a person who you pay and they give you a little chart of certain shades of different colours that look good on you. Then, when deciding to buy a garment, you can hold the little chart against it to see if it is the right colour for you.
If you know someone close to you that people think dress nicely, ask them for advice. Sometimes it is your haircut, not your clothes that can be the problem. Getting a friend or family member who dresses nicely and has a nice haircut to come to the hairdressersâ with you and help you decide on a haircut is a good idea.
Societally it is preferred that men have clean shaven faces (no beard or moustache), but it is accepted for them to have them if the moustache or beard are neatly trimmed and washed (and brushed if necessary) as often as head hair and if you are careful to make sure that no bits of food or such are stuck in your beard or moustache. Women are expected at minimum to remove any facial hair (hairy upper lip, hair between eyebrows). Many people also see it as desirable for women to shave their legs and under their arms. This is only necessary if you are planning on wearing clothes that reveal these areas, in which case you only need to shave them if the hair is very visible (very dark or thick), and whilst many people prefer you to, shaving these areas is optional.
Wearing themed clothes (i.e: always wearing something with cats on) is seen as odd in a social setting and should be avoided.
Dressing in a very âmanlyâ way if you are a girl (short hair, trousers shirts, baseball caps, lack of jewellery) may make people think you are a lesbian if you are a women (which suits or does not matter depending on whether you are and whether you mind others perceiving you as such).
Dressing âflamboyantlyâ as a man (wearing very bright colours, having long hair and/or jewellery, or sparkly clothes, or wearing feminine colours like certain shades of pink and purple) can cause people to think that you are gay (Which again may or may not suit you depending if you mind).
People are more likely to approach you if you
You can tell that you look good if:
1) people are nicer/politer to you than usual
2) more people strike up a conversation with you than usual
3) people compliment your appearance
4) people suddenly want to go places with you
Never wear anything that is broken (that has holes that arenât supposed to be there, missing buttons, of damaged stitching.
For women, if you wear makeup, make-up tutorials and going to make up stores to have them test what colour looks good on you is helpful. Practise will make perfect.
When preparing to go places, think about the pitch and tone of your voice. Avoid talking faster, slower, louder, or quieter than the volume at which most people speak. If your voice is quite flat or monotone, try listening to the way people you like the voice of speak, working out where their tone changes and why for different words and phrases and mimicking as best you can (but donât exaggerate this, a monotone voice is better than one that sounds fake and over dramatic).
When around people, stand straight and upright, walking with a wide gait (when you walk you feet are at least one foot length apart). Try not to walk to fast or too slow, but instead at a comfortable pace.
When talking to people, stand at least an armâs length away from people, make eye contact for about four seconds periods every 4 or 5 seconds. When you are not making eye contact, look at a different part of their face. Looking for too long at any other part of their body will make them feel awkward and unnerved.
Only point out issues in their appearance if they are going to get worse (I.e: If a woman is bleeding through her trouser/skirtâŠetc) or if you can fix them (preferably for the latter reason), in which case mention them indirectly. Indirectly means offering them a tissue if their nose is running or bleeding, or if there is something that they need to wipe off their face, (if you are a woman) offering a woman who is bleeding through her trousers a sanitary towel if you have a spare, or (if you are a man) offering her your jacket to wrap around her waist to hide the blood (donât if the jacket is dirty or smelly or you are unwilling/unable to clean blood stains out of it), if the person has bad breath, offering them a mint, if they smell bad, offering them (if they are the same gender as you) a spray of your perfume or aftershave. Offering them hand sanitiser if they got their hands dirty (more acceptable if they are female). Do these alternatives instead of telling the person the problem unless they ask why you are doing these. Only offer the things that you have (if you have no mints, donât offer any).
Good things to take with you to social events for these reasons are:
(If female) spare sanitary towels and perfume
(If make) a jacket and aftershave
The best tip I can give you is to ask questions. Asking questions makes you seem interested in them (people like this). Ask the person either questions about themself, or ask them questions that you know they will know the answers to (if they are a dog enthusiast, they will know lots of at least basic stuff about dogs for example). Donât ask about anything to personal (anything sexual, money based, or to do with sensitive events like recent deaths or divorces).
Try not to talk yourself during the conversation for more than 5 minutes. If the person is still interested after 5 minutes (ID they are leaning slightly towards you, still making good eye contact, nodding) ask them their opinion on the topic before continuing. If not (their arms are crossed, they are looking at things other than you like their watch, or have folded their arms) change the subject to something theyâll like and ask them questions.
Avoid topics of conversation (unless you know the person well and are in a private place) such as:
Race
Religion
Politics
How much you both earn (though you can ask about other aspects of their job)
Things that will put people off you are:
1. Too much or too little eye contact
2. Odd facial expressions (if you have these, try to modify them to make them more acceptable, or explain to the person that you do so they feel less uncomfortable)
3. Insecure body language (arms crossed rather than by your sides, hunched over, apologising a lot)
4. Talking for too long, or not elaborating your answers when they ask you a question (when you are asked if you like or dislike something, donât say yes or no, say what you like or dislike about the subject and why)
5. Being rude (talking about bad topics or insulting them)
6. Being too negative (for every 1 negative thing you say in a conversation, try to say at least 2 positive things)
7. Standing too close to them
Things people like:
1. You complimenting them (but do this no more than three times in a conversation, and only compliment things like clothes or hair , unless you like them romantically, in which case you can also compliment their facial features)
2. You asking them questions they can answer
3. You making them feel happy +by talking about positive, funny, or otherwise happy things)
If you like talk to one person regularly at the gathering you attend, or are attending a one off gathering, then you can ask for their number. This is more accepted if you are male, but women can do this too. If hey decline, then they probably donât like you. Make a polite comment if rejected, and continue the conversation a little before going away so they feel like you werenât just talking to them for potential relationship reasons. Iâd they say yes, remain calm, and offer them a pen and paper so they can write their number down, and also give them yours.
If you want to test if somebody you see regularly likes you at least s a friend, go to a gathering that they will be at and they know that you will be at, and see if they come over to you. The quicker they come over to you, the more they like you, and the more likely it is that they also like you romantically as well. If they donât, or take a long time to come over, then you probably like them more than they like you, and finding other friends may be a better idea.
If you need to escape a social situation, and can leave without anyone noticing, then do. If not, then explain that you need to go to whoever you are talking to (use an excuse like having left your dinner cooking on the stove, or that youâve forgotten to record your favourite programme, you have a busy day at work tomorrow, but nothing too outrageous like needing to save someone or your house being on fire). You can otherwise just say a closing phrase instead like (it has been a good evening/morning/afternoon) , then thank the person for their company and leave.
Feeling nervous or overwhelmed in a social environment? Good tips are:
Wear a weighted vest or under your clothes (has a calming effect for some)
Earplugs (good for those who are hypersensitive to sound)
Stim objects to stim with in your pocket