Step By Step

[gorgeous-tragedy]

When do you stop trying? When do you listen and stop looking for what’s not there? My boyfriend loves me but we can’t be because he isn’t wanting to take on toxic family. I get it, I can’t escape it somedays I feel like.

The hard part is feeling so trapped. I’ve never felt so trapped in my entire life. it’s so surreal because I’m not.

I took a new job in an office cubicle. Something I never could do. It’s money steady and going. It’s just so boring. I do look out the windows all day at the city scale I have. I do more tho. I look at the height and wonder what falling would be like. I’m not suicidal. Promise no one will find this after my death and feel guilt. I have always wanted to fly. More soar actually. I can feel the wind fly past me if I concentrate long enough. It’s just beautiful.

I have the option of working remotely at any time from anywhere. So I sit there and dream of the different landscapes I’d like to work at. Because I can’t handle the space. It feels so confining. They’re all so nice so don’t get me wrong. I can legit come and go as I please. They buy snacks and more. It’s so strange to have an employer take care of me after all these years.

I think the real issue is I’m trapped because I can’t do it right. Maybe it’s life I can’t do right. I can admit I’m trying hard to stay in the box I’m wanted in. But I can’t break out because a part of me doesn’t want to. Fear maybe? Maybe it’s also seeing the future and it looking good. Just something is missing.

I’m a firm believer in some people suppose to be in your life. You just need to be able to let go when it’s time. I’m getting good at that part. I just can’t let new people get close anymore. That’s a whole other ass issue.

This feels so all over the place today. My mind feels that way now even. I just want to cry from the confusion. Too bad I can’t write well. Anyone wanna be my ghost writer? I can make the thoughts but not word it right. Maybe I’ll elaborate and fix this. Maybe I’ll try snd write this story down also I feel.

[gorgeous-tragedy]

2019-2020

2019 was a true year of learning for me. I kept saying it was a year of lessons.

I pride myself on my loyalty. I’m loyal to a fault sometimes. I made some lifelong friends I thought. K was one that I met when I started my job at the dealership may 2017. We became instant friends. There was something about him. His dramatic antics were a stark contrast to my ‘I don’t wanna deal’. He was someone who reminded me I needed to have fun and put myself out there. We were a true ying yang. There was never a time you didn’t see frick without frack. He was also selfish and didn’t want to see his fault in things. When K was in an abusive relationship he decided it was time to leave. The money and time ment nothing to me I did for him. I wanted him out and safe. Then they got back together..... I spent months dealing with the backlash. K called other companies that had job offers for me to try and get them to decline. He texted my crush lies. He used my phone number and email for rehab places and realtors and more. It was worse and worse. It hurt so much because I’ve never been betrayed like this by someone I cared about. I had two other best friends. M and I met and was truly one of the coolest people ever. We were open and honest. This one hurt even more. M believed some lies she was told by someone ( comes in later) and backed away. Later on I was too dramatic. That hurt even more because I was raw and honest. I know this one I’ll miss eventually more than anything. H is the last one. This one was in AA. I have no clue to this day what I did to her. She tried to trash me at work and eventually did the same things as K when she was fired from our job. This was such a slap in the face. I cried on her shoulder over K. It hurt so badly.

It hurt to be treated this way and not see where my growth can come from. I’m afraid I’ll stop trusting soon. I don’t want to even talk to people anymore. Eventually I believe I did things and some I can see. I try to be available at all times for the ones I care about time or financially. I don’t blame anyone after for it at all. This was a true time of being turned on and hurt so badly. I’m trying to take this and move on. I hoped writing this would help. I still feel certain emptiness inside. Because I trusted these people so much and to not understand. K did come back a couple months ago. I haven’t responded to any text or emails. His apologies mean nothing because I can’t forgive him this time.

2020 will be my year of becoming Sarah. I will grow and be more reserved. I will be careful.

[gorgeous-tragedy]

Its been a while

Well, Its been a while since I've been here. Slightly good. More so not really. A lot has happened. I moved to Milwaukee. Started 2 new jobs. Quite one to work a promotion. Then left that job for this one at a dealership and its been going great. The funny part was i thought running away would make me feel better and things easier. I was wrong.

Things are on an up. I noticed even though this entire time there was a part of me though....that wasn’t full? I don’t think thats the right way to say it though. I noticed the more i did, It just doesn’t feel right yet. Maybe its because i’m so broken still and i didn’t get put back together right. Its all the wrong pieces. I’m not positive. It just gets harder and harder it seems lately. Some days i just want to try running away but not tell a single soul this time. Other days i just want it to be done for. I know if i wait it out life will be over sooner or later. At least when i focus on work i know i can do something productive. I just don’t understand anymore what the point is. I’m just kinda over this. 

I did date again here. I really did love him. But maybe it was more a right person wrong time thing, we broke up though. I don’t know what makes me more upset. The part of it over or feeling like he didn’t feel comfortable enough to talk to me about things that upset him. I tried so hard. I think thats what hurts so much....the fact i tried and forced my self so much. It wasn’t i forced myself to love him, that was easy. It was the fact i felt like some days he didn’t like me for me. I know he told me once that he wished i wasn’t so weird. He didn’t like my dogs either. It was hard. It was hard knowing that i tried changing and it wasn’t good enough either still. I think that was a lot of the issue in the end of me. I kept questioning every thing i did and couldn’t figure out if i was good enough or not. I think thats a huge issue for me in general. I wish i could talk to him but i’m afraid. I don’t know what else to say other than that above. I wish there was a recorder.

When he did talk he said i was mean to him and i wish i could watch it on a camera. I’m sure i wasn’t pleasant to be around sometimes, no one is always. I don’t understand why i’m so upset. It was someone who made me feel like i wasn’t good enough, Forgot he was suppose to hang out with me. I just needed someone to listen to me and not make me feel bad. He made me feel so bad some days. But i was never able to feel like he listened when i explained.....I wasn’t ever blaming him. I wish i could tell him this someday but i can’t I just give up. I think I need to. I don’t want to. I do love him. I just need him to listen. 

I deleted all the dating apps on my phone. I don’t want to meet someone this way. Its just not me... The sad part was i remember saying i was finding who i was again. Maybe i never did. 

I don’t want to find someone else. I thought i did. He just doesn’t agree anymore. I didn’t want any possessions, money or anything. I just wanted a future together with someone who loves me for me....and doesn’t think i’m ‘not normal’ I guess i just feel a different kind of broken anymore inside. Those pieces that didn’t right but kinda did fell out and shattered more if possible. I don’t know how to fix this again. I don’t think i can this time. 

The only thing i focus on is the urge. I still feel it sometimes to cut or anything, just to remind myself that i’m still here physically. Its harder then i thought it would be anymore. I’m gonna make an appointment sooner or later i guess. I just wish i had someone that actually cared enough to look at me and ask me if i was alright. lets be real though, I’d just lie and say i was tired... Its what I've always been good at. I promise to check in sooner or later. It won’t be any better by any means i’m positive. 

[gorgeous-tragedy]

I’ve offically met someone. I’m terrified even more than i thought possible. I have the irrational fears still. I don’t know how to make it go away and my anxiety is terrible. I just need to remember to breathe. my rocks are gone because i’m pushing them away slowly. Yet i’m reverting to my role of their rocks. At least i have my dogs. 

I opened up so easily to him. It scares me alot. I know i need this at least to help me move on in life but i’m afraid to i think more than anything. In a way i’m letting go of a moment that defined me in a way i didn’t think it did. I think i want to run away for real this time from my problems. Not tell anyone where i go and delete facebook. I think i might. I need to.

 I’m gone to force myself into my music again. i need to express it all. Or else it isn’t gonna go well. I can do this. I need that constant in my life. Maybe i won’t feel like a failure as much then. I just need to let it go that i’m not......even though i really am. That hurts to admit. I don’t even know my purpose anymore. I can’t keep writing because it hurts in a way. I’m just not ready to release that part of me again. i’ve been cutting. Just little scrapes because i knew it would do the job for now. i’m just afraid it won’t forever. i just want to be done somedays. Then there are other days i’m so focused on the fear of the next step. Its what makes being healthy hard. Its a slow death...but death non the less. 

My stress is so high its consuming me and it scares me. I can’t hold it off much longer. I just need to let it go some how. I don’t wan to talk about it because i feel like i’m looking for attention. I know i’m not but thats how it looks to me. Everyone else has probelms. I just don’t think they get how far to the edge i truly am. i’m hanging on the cliff watching the world go. The ground is slowly crumbling and i’m just waiting to see what happens. I can wait. I don’t know how long but i can wait. 

I’m at least able to admit i’m a crumbled mess inside and can barely hold it anymore. I’m tired of holding it. No one understands I am taking every thing too much. I can’t get anyone to listen. I’ll just keep waiting to see what happens. Maybe it won’t be bad when i fall apart. I could just float forever in the water and rethink over my whole life. I can skip the parts i don’t wanna resee. I see that enough in my nightmares. I don’t think he knows to this day what he did. I don’t know if want to tell him.Would it make me feel better for the monster he turned into to appologize to me? No i don’t think so. Huh....I’m validating my rapist raping me now.....thats a new one. I knew i was a martyr but come on Sarah. I keep trying to leave hints that i’m about to crumble but whose actually listening? No one because they have thier own problems and thats okay. I don’t need to be saved...I don’t think i want to be anymore. Sarah was left long ago.....This is just a shell. Maybe there is a better use for it somewhere in the world. I’m gone to start hiding my money. and save up. When i have 5,000 i’m leaving. I won’t come back or anwser any phone calls. its just what i need to do. This wasn’t far away enough. 

[gorgeous-tragedy]

Sorry

It was a shallow mistake that felt right. I feel guilty though. 

[gorgeous-tragedy]

Happy Birthday Dad I really do love you.

When i lost my father in a way i lost much more. I lost the innocence of childhood. I lost the will to be something in a way also. I took on new roles and never truly delt with my grief like i needed. In a way i knew someone needed me to be the positive role model. I think i resent that in a way. Thats where alot of my anger comes in now. It feels good to not only admit it but realize it. 

I use to when i was a kide sit in my yard and talk for hours to the clouds. I believed heaven was so close so i’d tell my grandparents about my day, my friends, how my new sister way. Another thing i’ve resented. I didn’t talk anymore when he was there. Any time i talk to him all this time later i’m filled with anger to him, to god, really anyone. Because what little girl should grow up with out her biggest fan? I once sat at the cemetery and yelled till i was horse. I cried so much for the firt time in a long time. I thought i needed him to see, to feel all these pain i’ve bottled up for 14 years. It wasn’t. It did nothing. I tried praying to him. Nothing. I can’t figure out why he wasn’t listening to me anymore. I thought he would have come to in a dream or something. Any way to tell ME he was listening. But to everyone else he did. I resent that too. I promise i’m not a resentful person. 

I beleive in a way i try to recapture what i lost, A new biggest fan. Sorry mom but it was just never the same. Maybe in a way i was more resentful than i thought. This birthday i’m doing something different. I will just go and let myself do what i feel i need to for healing. I keep saying i never grieved properly. Time to do something with it. I’m so afraid of death....so why not enjoy what life i have left on this planet?

[gorgeous-tragedy]

I’m remembering that everything is okay. 

I can do this.

I promised.

[scarresources]

Due a URL change- the old ‘self care after rape: a masterlist’ is no longer useable. If you reblogged that one- the links don’t work, try this one instead.

The Basics:

What is Rape?/Types of Rape

Common Responses to Rape/Sexual Assault(ppt)

Survivors and the Doctors Office

Traumaversaries

Why You Aren’t Bad for Loving Your Abuser.

Teaching Consent

How to Talk About Trauma:

Talking About Trauma (ppt)

Talking About Trauma (to others)

What if they don’t believe me?

Processing New Information on Old Hurts.

If Not Rape, Then (On what to call it when you’re not ready to use the word rape)

Need Help With:

But How Do I Get Over It?

Reifying Happiness

Sleep

Nightmares

Dreams and Trauma: Frequently Asked Questions

Surviving the Holidays (ppt)

Overstimulated Nerves

Self-Injury (ppt)

Flashbacks (ppt)

Panic Attacks

Making Peace With the Emotion Monster

On Holding Anger for Attackers

Processing Emotions: Anger

Disordered Eating, What it is and What you can do about it.

Admitting Weakness

Hygiene

Regression

Self Invalidation

The But Series! (About various strands of Self Invalidation.)

Finding Coping Mechanisms that Work

Effective Alternative Communication

How To Tell Your Therapist - About Almost Anything

Planning to See An Abuser

The Follower Collaborative Series:

Coping With Flashbacks

Triggers:

I’m triggered- Now What?

More On Triggers

On Purposely Triggering Yourself

Getting Over Triggers

De-triggering Abuser Names.

Reclaiming a Space

Boundaries:

Boundaries (ppt)

Boundaries 101

Boundaries: How to set them

Survivor+Survivor: Boundaries

Self-Care:

What is Self Care Anyway? (ppt)

BACE Method

BACE Method (now with venn diagrams.)

Self Care When You Lack a Sense of Self

Interpersonal Self-Care

Emotional Self Care

Physical Self Care

How to Do Self Care When You Only Have A Little Bit of Time

Self Care For Cold Weather

Self Care + Trauma Work

Consent/sex:

Intimacy After Rape

Lets Talk Consent

Lets Talk Sex

Sexuality After Rape

Using Sex as Self Harm?

Teaching Consent

Posts about Suicide:

Talking about Suicide (why we want to blame the suicidal and why we shouldn’t)

Don’t Call Suicide Selfish

Suicidal Ideation

For Friends/Family/Partners of Survivors:

How to Help a Friend Who Has Been Raped.(ppt)

How to Help a Friend Who Has Been Through Trauma

Avoiding Awkward- How to talk about rape when we talk to survivors.(ppt)

Sometimes the easiest thing to say is the worst.

How to Listen to Trauma Stories

Being Family/Friends isn’t an excuse.

A Friend is Self Harming (ppt)

Comfort In. Complain Out.

What Can I Do?

Reality Checks

Why ‘Just Leave’ Just Doesn’t Work

Misc:

Acute Inpatient: A brief overview

Studying Tips

[gorgeous-tragedy]

My story

I knew him for a long time. I dated him for over 4 years and we broke up because i just didn’t want to anymore. I knew i needed to make sure i was grown up enough for the next step, i wasn’t. It was almost 2 years later. We had slowly started to fall back into the ‘dating’ frame of mind. He told me his dad sold him his grandparents place. I asked if i could come see it sometime. He offered me a ride so i could help picking out colors and paint. It was fun like the old times. Then some more friends of his showed up and the drinks were poured. Between all the stress of school, CAB, Leadership banquet and home, it was nice to forget for a bit. 

I remember my friend showing up and deciding i needed to eat something. I remember going to the little restaurant. I remember him going through my phone. We then went back to his place and i was tired. My friend wanted to give me a ride back to his house. Show up to school in the same clothes?  I couldn’t do that. I begged to stay so i could ask him to give me a ride home. I knew he would’ve. I know he didn’t want to leave me.

I was in the bed in the garage. I remember him crawling in  saying after a nap he’d feel better about taking me home. He asked if i did that on purpose. Did what? I couldn’t understand what he asked. I said no i didn’t. I felt him start kissing me. I shrugged it off and said i was tired. I felt him pull and grab me and i said it. I whispered it ‘what are you doing, I don’t want to.’  I felt every push. I remember tears rolling down my face. I gave up saying no and trying to tell my self i was fine with this. It was finally over and i laid down and cried silently. It was finally morning when he took me home and didn’t say a word to him. I walked in changed and went to school and pretended nothing happened. It is not Aug. 25 2016. I am finally admitting it to myself it happened. 

The next step is admitting it did change me and i can’t go back. Ever. That Sarah is lost. She left with every thrust and cry she did. I need to seek help. I will try to bring her back. I still haven’t touched my instruments. I don’t deserve them. I never will. I don’t deserve a lot of things I've been given. Maybe thats why i try to sabotage my own life lately. I sleep a little better the dogs are here. I wounder if the same effect will happen when my roommate moves in. Maybe its the comfort of them in bed. I still wake up crying. I feel my body parts hurt sometimes after. I don’t understand why.

[gorgeous-tragedy]

Help

I think its time to admit it. I know i’ve said it before but i made sure i told someone (holly) that i do this time. Now i can’t back out. I truly finally admitted to my self what happened. I’m by no means okay with it, seeing as i just cried forever. Thankfully my dogs are here, Barkley just curled up next to me and waited it out. I had the thoughts run through my mind and this time i justified who would get what possessions and who would share custody of my doggie. The only reason i didn’t go to the bathroom was because he was here. I will forever be in debt to my dog for this now. 

[onlinecounsellingcollege]

One small crack doesn’t mean you’re broken. It means you were put to the test and you didn’t fall apart.

Linda Poindexter   (via thatkindofwoman)

[gorgeous-tragedy]

Tonight i decided when i move, it needs to be the change i need. Milwaukee will not be far enough, but this will do for now. I just need to get life going again. I’m thinking about Deleting Facebook for a while when i go or delete a bunch of people. I haven’t decided that part yet too much. I will make the call finally and sign up for help. I think I've proven to my self lately i need it. Bad. 

[gorgeous-tragedy]

6 Days to go.

I’m so nervous about moving out but i’m excited. I have made a decision on what i’m doing now though. I’ve made a decision to drop any charges against  him. I don’t want him knowing where i live now. I don’t want my mother and sister hearing everything. I can’t handle it. I just hope i don’t regret this someday.

I wanted to move out so i wouldn't fear him anymore knowing where i was. I wanted to be somewhere where no one knew my name. I know this will happen now. No one will know me as ‘the girl who was raped’ or ‘Allen’s high school sweat heart.’ I will be ‘Sarah’. Breathe.

[gorgeous-tragedy]

13 Days. 17 Hours. 40 Minutes. 34 Seconds.

I put my 2 week notice in yesterday. The feeling was so nerve racking but now i’m ready to be gone. I don’t think i realized how baldy i was being treated till i realized i was disposable. I’m so tired of that Bitch treating me the way she does. I don’t deserve the abuse any longer. I hope They all learn to grow up honestly. Then again, it is retail. 

I’m just happy to be somewhere he won’t know where. I won’t have to fear coming home and seeing his car on my street. I can be practical finally. Maybe my anxiety will subside a bit when i move. I don’t mind the commute for a few weeks. Hopefully we will find something and move in April. I can live till then. I’m just so happy i was able to find not 1 job but so many so far. I always worried i was truly that worthless work wise but this. This helped reassure me that i am good at what i do. 

13 Days. 17 hours. 27 Minutes. 5 Seconds. 

I can do this. 

[gorgeous-tragedy]

My best friends aren’t as supportive as i need them to be. I need someone to listen to me ramble. I need someone to make me talk. I need someone to be a best friend. I’m afraid to bug one because of her huge anxiety issues developing from school. The other one wants to talk about her self or tell me about the exciting things happening. I’m thrilled things are going well. I truly am. I feel bitter. But i’m not. I wish nothing but the best for anyone. Well almost anyone.

I feel like if i need to say something its brushed off because im rambling. I ramble because i don’t know how to feel. If i talk it all out then i feel better i think. Well let me rephrase that. I feel worse because everything is at the surface breaking it to the world finally. I feel better because i’m not holding it in anymore. i feel scared because i’m not holding it in. I feel empty because its not there anymore. The fear and pain is something i know will always be there. Weirdly, it makes me feel human to know i have something to count on being there. Even if its one of the worst feelings to have still. I guess it makes me feel human still? Not like this emotionless or emotional freak anymore. I don’t even think this makes scense anymore. 

Am i wrong in saying  I need a best friend to be there for me? I have people I can trust to be there and I consider them best friends too. I consider my best friends that for different reasons. I guess the 2 i truly need aren’t there for me. That might be why I feel like I need them more then i guess. Am i wrong in this Or just going nuts at this point?

[57circlesofhell-deactivated2016]

The people who love you Really Do love you. Your friends don’t secretly hate you. You matter to people. You are loved. Learn to believe it even if you think it isn’t true.

[twloha]

People need other people. 

You need yours. They need you. 

Learn to believe it even if you think it isn’t true.

[gorgeous-tragedy]

Everyone needs to hear this once or as many times it takes to believe it. 

[gorgeous-tragedy]

78 days.

I can’t decide whats worse at this point. I can’t tell anymore who I am. I remember in the beginning knowing if it was really Sarah showing or this new fake Sarah. I can’t tell the difference anymore. I have concluded that this means i’m either healing truly or  I've lied to myself too long now that i can’t be just ‘me’ anymore.

 I want to blame him so much for doing this to me. I’ve never hated so much in my life. I don’t know if I hate him more for the act or myself for letting it change me this way so much. I’m ready to do what i need to though. In exactly 3 months today i will start my job at my new store. Its not far enough. I won’t look over my shoulder now looking to see if hes here. I need to be gone yesterday. Maybe that could be what i need.  My move to help bring out old Sarah.

I still can’t look at my instruments. All I can think is my Violin final the next day. Messing up all those sour notes, trying not to cry. I wish i would’ve told my teacher when he asked what was wrong. I wish i would’ve told my mentor as we walked to it. I wish i would’ve explained why i jumped when my someone touched my shoulder. I wish i would’ve done so many different things. I need to look to the future. 78 days.