When do you stop trying? When do you listen and stop looking for what’s not there? My boyfriend loves me but we can’t be because he isn’t wanting to take on toxic family. I get it, I can’t escape it somedays I feel like.
The hard part is feeling so trapped. I’ve never felt so trapped in my entire life. it’s so surreal because I’m not.
I took a new job in an office cubicle. Something I never could do. It’s money steady and going. It’s just so boring. I do look out the windows all day at the city scale I have. I do more tho. I look at the height and wonder what falling would be like. I’m not suicidal. Promise no one will find this after my death and feel guilt. I have always wanted to fly. More soar actually. I can feel the wind fly past me if I concentrate long enough. It’s just beautiful.
I have the option of working remotely at any time from anywhere. So I sit there and dream of the different landscapes I’d like to work at. Because I can’t handle the space. It feels so confining. They’re all so nice so don’t get me wrong. I can legit come and go as I please. They buy snacks and more. It’s so strange to have an employer take care of me after all these years.
I think the real issue is I’m trapped because I can’t do it right. Maybe it’s life I can’t do right. I can admit I’m trying hard to stay in the box I’m wanted in. But I can’t break out because a part of me doesn’t want to. Fear maybe? Maybe it’s also seeing the future and it looking good. Just something is missing.
I’m a firm believer in some people suppose to be in your life. You just need to be able to let go when it’s time. I’m getting good at that part. I just can’t let new people get close anymore. That’s a whole other ass issue.
This feels so all over the place today. My mind feels that way now even. I just want to cry from the confusion. Too bad I can’t write well. Anyone wanna be my ghost writer? I can make the thoughts but not word it right. Maybe I’ll elaborate and fix this. Maybe I’ll try snd write this story down also I feel.











