( * ░ &&. –– AND I'LL BE HOLDING ON TO YOU.

❝there is love in your body, but you can't get it OUT ... it gets stuck in your head -- won't C O M E O U T of your mouth .... sticks to your tongue and it SHOWS on your face .... that the ( S W E E T E S T ) of words have the bitterest taste. ❞ ❝DARLING heart .... i loved you from the start, but you'll never know what a [ fool ] i've been .... darling heart i loved you from the S T A R T .... but that's no excuse for the state i'm in.❞

[mummyslovex]

[canarygifs]

[pcnelcpe-blog]

“sorry,” penelope squeaked out of habit. she hasn’t even muttered a word to the older woman, but she felt the need to apologize - no matter if it’s on her behalf or others’; it seems like they were upsetting grace, which isn’t a healthy emotion. “i didn’t know you went home the other day, so instead i bumped into this other patient… but i’m glad you got better. it’s always nice to sleep on your own bed.” 

[gracehudsonxo-blog]

“oh come now, penny,” grace shook her head, waving the apology the younger girl had given her. “you have nothing to apologize for.” in fact, grace was the one that felt a little guilty. penny had visited her quite often when she realized she’d been hospitalized and she could only imagine what it must have been like to go to her room and see it suddenly empty. “in fact i’m sorry. i probably should have made it a point to let you know. told one of the nurses or something ...” she chewed on her bottom lip and then laughed. “yeah. my big ol’ too big for me bed. i’ll have to admit it was cozy finally having room to wiggle around.”

[gracehudsonxo-blog]

kierahudson:

“Grace, don’t you fucking dare.” Kiera didn’t know which angered her most: the part where her sister decides it’s a joke to play her incident off lightly, or the part where she failed to inform her about her heart condition. It made her wonder about a lot of things. In fact, it caused her to stay up the entire night during Grace’s first night of admission. How long did she hide from her? How long was she planing to? And what if she wasn’t lucky? “You had a heart attack.” Her words shook when she said it and she could her heart rate speeding up just slightly. Kiera didn’t know how to feel. Sure, she’s angry and it’s the only thing she could feel at the moment, but she too is worried sick and terrified under all that ball of anger.

Her mouth snapped shut at Kiera’s harsh tone. She knew that her sister was mad and she didn’t blame her. Grace would be livid if she found out Kiera had kept something like this from her. Instead of arguing, Grace stepped forward and pulled her sister into a tight hug. “Yeah, I did,” she murmured into the younger girl’s hair. “But I’m also right here and I’m fine.” Grace could feel Kiera shaking and she wasn’t sure if it was from anger or if she was trying not to cry. Either way, Grace knew she had no real words for her and a hug was the best comfort she could offer. The best reminder she could give that she was still here and she hadn’t gone anywhere.

[destructivedonnie-blog]

There was a long list of things he should apologize for. It wasn’t the right moment to pin point them down, nor is it the right moment to bring them up; but his head was far too messy and absent to differentiate what was important and what wasn’t. He shook his head slightly, in attempt to wave his accidental apology away, or much rather saving it for another day. Sitting in front of Grace was surprisingly comforting and it was when she reached forward and touched his wrists Brandon was reminded as to why he called her in the first place. His own selfish needs and his constant woes after learning her big secret. “Who knew?” He asked quietly, not able to register the news. He could have easily picked up the signs. He could have done better in observing while they were together. He could have taken better care of her.

“Fine,” he easily answered and completed her question straightforwardly, not quite wanting to deal with yet another cycle of an ‘i’m so sorry for your loss’ talk. He didn’t need another reminder. Kayla was okay, she is okay.

[gracehudsonxo-blog]

She bit down on her bottom lip at his quiet question. Her gaze fell down to the coffee mug in her hand and she took a deep breath before answering. “No one really,” she shrugged. “Obviously my doctors. Zak knew because he had to take me to the hospital once. No one else really. I didn’t want people to know,” the blonde admitted, an almost bashful smile appearing on her face. She didn’t like being weak and the desire to be perfect had always been a strong driving factor in anything Grace did. When she first started keeping her secret, she had been so focused on playing tennis and running track and keeping up her image and then it just became second-nature to hide that part of herself. 

Her hazel eyes observed him carefully at his response. It was practiced, clearly, but she noticed he was making process. The last time she had seen him, he couldn’t deal with the questions without snapping angrily at anyone who was concerned. “Okay,” she nodded, her thumb running along the back of his hand reassuringly. She dropped the subject after that, knowing she didn’t need to push him now that he was working on his own inner demons himself. “It’s good to see you. I missed you,” Grace murmured quietly.

[destructivedonnie-blog]

Brandon did not dare the slightest to look right into the eyes of Grace Hudson’s. It was probably a mistake to call her out, to ask for some of her time over a cup of coffee, or to just… see her; especially after the news of her heart condition painted all over magazine covers. He couldn’t exactly pin point his reasons, especially when not many people had seen him after his sister’s death. Oh God, Kayla. A rush of memories of what occurred a few weeks ago caused a heavy bang into his chest from Grace’s poor choice of words; his eyes finally lifting up to look at Grace. It wasn’t her fault. Everyone moves on; everyone is expected to live their own lives, to resume back into it, to continue. Everyone but Brandon it now seems. “I’m sorry,” he blurted out unexpectedly; giving him just a few short seconds to finally realized he apologized. For what, Brandon? “You’re fine… though, right?

His sentences cut short and he rubbed his two sweaty palms together to keep himself from fidgeting. He sat there with as much strength he could possibly hold inside of him but if you just touch Brandon just a little, he might just break.

[gracehudsonxo-blog]

It was only after she saw the pain flash over Brandon’s face that Grace realized her choice of words and wanted to kick herself. She was surprised when she received a call from Brandon asking to meet up for coffee. He’d been grieving so strongly -- and rightfully so -- that no one had really seen or heard from him in weeks. She was glad to see he was at least functioning a little better, a tiny bit more present in the world. “What are you sorry for?” she asked, straightening up in her seat, eyebrow scrunched together in confusion. She could see him squirming as if his skin was itching to come off and, hesitantly, she reached across the table to touch his wrist. “Yeah, Brandon. I’m fine. I was just ... being stupid, you know? I knew better than what I was doing, but I just didn’t care.” Grace stared at him for several moments, trying to figure out how to ask her next question without sounding like a complete tool. “Are you ... ?” Okay? Fine? Holding up? Nothing seemed to fit right. He had lost his sister and he wasn’t going to be okay in just a few weeks.

[coffinracinginspo]

Excuse me if I’m not in the most chipper of moods. I just got back from visiting my family, and they’re just as dreadful as I remember. Anyways, what’s that you’re drinking and where can I find one? Alcoholism solves everything, right?

[gracehudsonxo-blog]

Vodka. Here have mine. I know a thing or two about dreadful family members. Drinks on me?

[hunteridgaf-blog]

“Because you had a heart attack, Grace. That’s pretty serious.” He said, doing his best to keep his tone neutral. He told himself he wasn’t going to make a big deal of it, that he was only there to help her after she’d been checked out of the hospital, but it was hard to bite his tongue when Grace was acting like it wasn’t a big deal. “They’re just worried. You never said it was that bad.” He bit his lip before he said anything else, knowing he wouldn’t want a lecture if it were him.

[gracehudsonxo-blog]

“I get that, okay?” she huffed as she unlocked the door to her apartment. “Home sweet home ...” she murmured under her breath. “I know that you’re all worried, but this isn’t anything knew. I’ve been dealing with my condition since I was nineteen years old ... all by myself. And I’d been doing just fine up until recently,” Grace dropped her back onto the kitchen counter before turning to face her cousin. “It’s not that bad ... I just. I’ve been ... reckless lately, I get it. I was drinking and partying too much and not really taking my meds so ...” the pink haired girl shrugged her shoulders, unsure of where to end that sentence and deciding to let it trail off instead.

[ruepressed]

“Hey, look at me,” he murmured, his gaze unwavering as he tried to catch her eyes. “You and I both know that this is serious, and only one of us is acting like that right now.” Biting the edge of his lip, he reached out to touch the pink ends, before drawing his hand back, smiling apologetically. “I miss the blonde.” He murmured, caving in from the serious mood. In all honesty, Alfie was just glad that she was alive. He had lost his father to a heart attack, and couldn’t imagine what he’d be like if he had lost Grace. To see her in front of him, delicately twirling her strands of hair in her fingers… His stomach filled with immense joy.

[gracehudsonxo-blog]

Grace took in a breath as her eyes met with Alfie’s. She knew he was adamant about seeing her home from the hospital, but it didn’t stop her from being jittery about it. She didn’t want him or anyone else to be looking at her any differently than they had been. “I know it’s serious, but I’m fine. Really. There’s nothing different about me than there was before I went into the hospital. It’s just now everybody knows,” Grace shrugged, glancing away from him for a moment.  His fingers touched the ends of her hair and her eyes snapped back to his face. Her cheeks grew pink under his gaze. “Well, the pink is fading ... I still haven’t decided what to do with it.” Grace shifted her weight from one foot to the other before stepping forward suddenly and wrapping her arms around Alfie’s torso. “Thank you for coming. I really am okay. So, don’t worry all right?”

[wordsnquotes]

I’m not really sure why. But… do you stop loving someone just because they betray you? I don’t think so. That’s what makes the betrayal hurt so much - pain, frustration, anger… and I still loved [them.] I still do.

Brandon Sanderson  (via wordsnquotes)

[yoursummerdreamz]

[anamorphosis-and-isolate]

[gracehudsonxo-blog]

jfcxavier:

“Grace, you act like a heart attack is a twisted ankle.You’re aware of the mortality rate of those, right?” he ruffled his quiff as he glanced over at the female.“Stop playing with your hair and listen! This is something serious, you treat everything else seriously, so why doesn’t it seem like you’re doing the same with this?” His eyes adverted to the ground, his brow slightly furrowed. “I don’t want you to think I’m mad, just worried, as one should be when he finds out his friend had a heart attack. I don’t want to lose you.”

She sighed heavily, listening to Xavier’s concerns. Her mouth twisted as she did her best not to snap back at her friend. She understood he was worried. She knew they were all hovering because they cared but Grace didn’t want things to be any different than they had been a week before. Not with this. “I’m  f i n e, you know? I’m right here. I’m okay. Living and breathing. But I’ve known about my condition for a while ... I’m just ... I’m not as surprised as everyone else is because I knew this was always a possibility,” Grace tried to explain to the best of her ability, letting go of her hair and focusing her attention on Xavier. She reached out to touch his forearm and studied his face carefully. “I’m not going anywhere and I’m back to taking my medication. I’m going to be perfectly okay.”

[gracehudsonxo-blog]

"I wish everyone would stop looking at me like i’m about to fall apart ... I just got out of the hospital, I’m not coming back from the grave or something,” Grace huffed as she fiddled with the ends of her still-pink hair. The color was fading and pretty soon she’d be faced with a decision -- re-dye it or go back to being blonde. It was something silly to be focusing on, but she’d rather focus on that than all the hovering her mother and others had been doing since her minor heart attack and stay at the hospital. Secret was out: Grace Hudson has a heart defect. 

[gracehudsonxo-blog]

the last night || grace's self para

Drink. Smoke. Dance. Repeat.

It was a pattern that Grace wasn't used to but she had thrown her body into. After her conversations with Caroline, she found herself wanting more and more to drown the image of herself that everyone had of her. She didn't want to be the Grace Hudson. She didn't want all the expectations of perfection or any of the responsibilities anymore. She felt stupid for stressing out over something so seemingly juvenile -- poor little rich girl can't handle the pressure. However, the deaths of her classmates in the recent months had been the straw that broke the camel's back. If she died that night, she didn't want to be remembered as the doll her mother has made her. She wanted to be known as Grace, but her biggest problem was she wasn't exactly sure who that girl was.

So she threw herself into the opposite end of the spectrum. Drinking, parties and smoking became her new normal as she tried to figure out who she was exactly. Her bright neon pink hair could be spotted among the throngs of people at the club. Her heart was beating to the sound of the bass that vibrated the walls of the building. Her head was spinning as she watched the strobe lights flicker all around her. Her body bumped against strangers and her breathing became ragged. It was her third night partying hard in a row and it seemed to be taking a toll on her. The sounds around her dimmed and echoed as if she was a million miles away from where she was and it wasn't until she felt people shoving that she realized she was starting to slump over on to them.

Grace tried to steady herself but only found it harder to stay up right, her vision blurring as she tried to find something to hold on to. Her chest tightened as she found herself gasping for her. She dropped to the floor, the crowd around her partying as they started shouting that someone had fainted. "Call ... 911 ... my ... heart ... it hurts," she gasped out before her world turned black.

[gracehudsonxo-blog]

destructivedonnie:

He watched the yellow transparent liquid dance around the walls inside of his glass; his eyes slowly losing its own focus, as well as his sight which grew hazy each second. His body was way too weak for anything right now – all he had been doing lately was either visiting the bar, forcing himself to sleep with the help of pills, or just laying around in his apartment, mostly still grieving over the death of his beloved sister. He had no motivation whatsoever to push himself – which applies heavily on his studies and work; in fact, by now, he could already be consider as unemployed. He gave out a forced chuckle, closing his heavy eyelids for a brief second before shaking his head. Seeing him in bars is never rare, but seeing him in them after his sister’s death – was better than not seeing him at all. “I like it here,” he simply replied, though he didn’t really mean what he said. Staying alone in his apartment only brought back memories. On days he would find it a blessing – the memory of his sister lighting up his features for he is so thankful to have someone so lovely in his life, but on others, it reminded him how little time he had spent with her, how he can no longer create new ones. Throughout the first few minutes of Grace joining him, Brandon made no eye contact. A part of him didn’t want anyone to worry, but yet another part of him wanted to kill with all the anger he has boiling up. These people were the cause of his sister’s death – with evidence or not. He shrugged at the other’s question, not entirely getting her point – whether she meant him drinking, or his disconnected state. “You mean grieving?” He asked bluntly, narrowing his eyes which lifted an angle. All he could think about was his sister. Everything connected to her in his life. “You mean crying and hurting over my sister’s death?” His spat out every word like it held venom. “All my fucking life if you must know.” He lifted his glass and downed it all; he wasn’t going to cry. He had no tears left to cry.

“Nice hair,” he pointed out in a scornful manner. “It suits you.”

She swirled the liquid in her glass as she watched light of the lamps around reflected off of the crystal. It was easier to focus on a menial task than it was to think about all the implications of talking with Branding right at that moment. He was in a dark place, a darker place than she had even known and she was scared of what he was capable of. She didn’t know what to expect of him. ‘I like it here.’ It was a simple enough answer for an exceedingly complicated situation. His words turned harsh and venomous in her direction and hearing the voice she loved so much address her in such a way was startling, at first. It wasn’t something she could have expected, but she was determined to stand strong in the face of his behavior. “That’s not what I meant, Brandon,” Grace snapped. Her heart aching at the thought of Kayla and what she would do if she could see her brother in that state. It would have broken her heart and then Kayla would have likely kicked his ass. “I meant the drinking,” she clarified, her tone just as rough as his. Grace clenched her jaw at his quip about her hair, but she straightened her back rigid. “What’s that supposed to mean exactly?” the former blonde asked, eyes narrowed in Brandon’s direction. He could be harsh when he wanted to be and with everything that had happened, she was sure he was set to detonate at any moment. There was only so much that any of us could handle after all. 

[gracehudsonxo-blog]

ameliahudsonx:

So why did you start smoking? You hated smokers, I used to watch you– you know, around people and how you reacted to things. Sure, keep telling yourself that. Sure it doesn’t, but it clearly matters to you. 

Because mother hates smokers. And I hated them because she did. I did that a lot. If I didn’t have a particular opinion on a subject, I’d just copy mother’s because, of course she was right. She was our mother. I’ve finally reached the point of my life where that word hardly means anything to me because she’s tainted it. It’s just something I wanted to do. Sometimes, I happen to be my own person. Shocking, I know. ... Haven’t you ever just ... wanted to be someone else? That’s what this is.