The View from Here

My children are launched. The role of a parent is very different with adult children so I am still learning. Intentional parenting was and is important to me. One of my boys suggested I look back and see what parenting approaches I used and what would I say about them now that I have seen them play out. This blog will attempt to capture the things I learned from books, classes and life that altered the way I thought about raising kids. Welcome to the view from here!

[graduatemom]

It’s Not Personal

The baby just won’t stop crying!  Your two-year-old just hit you again!  Your teenager doesn’t stay in the same room with you for five minutes.  Why don’t they like you?  Are they just crabby and mean?

 Kids go through stages. I had signed up for a class for parents of two-year olds.  It was the first of six classes.  The instructor asked us each to introduce ourselves and talk about one or two things we hoped to learn from the class.  Each of us described our issues with our two-year olds.  We couldn’t get them to stay in bed at night, eat the right foods, stop throwing tantrums, saying anything but “no” or not react by hitting us.  The last mom to introduce herself told us that she had accidently come to the wrong class and had a four-year-old.  She said, “All these issues were such a part of my life when my son was 2, and I had completely forgotten about them!  I’m dealing with different issues now.  Take heart that each of these things will get successfully worked through.”

 It is important to educate yourself on each stage of your children’s lives.  Learn about them so you recognize the actions and have a plan for how to deal with them.  Then you’ll see that it isn’t that they like or don’t like you, or that you are doing something wrong.  It’s a stage.

 Tell yourself “this is not personal” or “good for them, they are doing just what they should be doing at this stage” and stay calm.   Their emotions are difficult enough to deal with, don’t add yours into the mix!

 Parents need to stay in control of their emotions.  You are the adults and kids look to you for clues on how to react.  When they are in meltdown, they need you to pull them out and not meltdown yourself.  It scares them if they see you get out of control and things will spiral downhill from there!  Being prepared with a good understanding of the stage they are in, preparing yourself ahead of time with a plan for the next time they bite, hit or say ‘no’ and remembering “this stage will also pass” will help you

 It’s also a good idea to have an agreement with your spouse to be good partners.  Sometimes you just aren’t going to be in a good place to handle the situation.  Turning it over to your spouse to handle and removing yourself from the situation is also better than just blowing up.  It is rare that both of you would be in feeling overwhelmed at the same time!

 Normalizing things reduces stress – an understanding of the ups and downs and why things happen will help you handle every stage that comes along.

[graduatemom]

Shake It Up Baby, Now

I was always impressed with how much easier everyday situations were when approached with humor. 

Many of my favorite memories as a young family took place at the dinner table.  Knowing how to do the Heimlich maneuver was important due to the risk of choking from the laughter we shared there.   We always made dinner family time.  As the kids got older, we made sure to maintain it most days of the week, even if we couldn’t manage every night.  We also tried to keep it a fun time.  We didn’t discuss problems at the dinner table.  There was plenty of time for that stuff later.  We didn’t fight about eating – healthy foods were available and everyone tried things, but no one had to eat everything on their plates.  They did need to sit at the table the whole time so that they could be part of the conversation. 

Incorporating the “to do” list with play, increased our time together and made things so much easier.  Doing dishes can be fun when you make time to play in the water, ending up with soap beards!  Find a little play in all the normal things you do throughout the day.  A favorite memory is getting zip-lock bags filled with seasoning and a pork chop.  We’d each take one and shake it, singing “Shake it up baby, now, twist and shout” while we danced around the kitchen.  Then we took them out of the bags, popped them in the oven and dinner was on its way.

I would feel so overwhelmed sometimes with the things I needed to get done.  When I had multiple things to do, such as get a room clean and sweep the floor, I used to tell the boys to do one while I did the other.  It was always a battle.  At some point, I realized that they just wanted to be with me.  I learned to do the jobs with them, and make games out of them.  We would clean the bedroom together, seeing who could pick up the most Legos in one minute.  Then we’d move on to the dusting and see if we could finish it before a song ended.   I remember one time when I asked each of the boys to help clean the basement toy room.  Everyone started fussing.  Finally, I agreed that they only had to do it for 15 minutes, which they reluctantly agreed to do.  The music started and the timer went on.  After 10 minutes, the room was clean and everyone was upset.  “You tricked us!” 

Having fun together most of the time made us strong and helped us get through those times that weren’t so fun.  

[graduatemom]

Give Them the Words to Use

Children are not born knowing what to say and how to say it.  Parents instinctively understand that they need to teach children language basics so they can survive.  They need to call for us (“Mama, dada”), have their needs met (“ball, water, bottle, eat”) and avoid danger (“hot, stop, no”).  It is not always instinctive for parents to teach children how to say things.  Many parents get impatient when a child cries, whines or is rude. 

  On of our mantras was “give them the words”.  We always tried to assume our kids needed to learn instead of assuming they were acting out.    I'm sure they remember hearing this:  “It hurts my ears when you use that voice.  Try saying, “Mom, could I have a cookie, please?”  Then I could hear you.”  Then, if the whining continued, we’d just say, “I can’t hear you when you use that voice.  Try again in a new voice.”  The key is to remain pleasant but not to give in until they say the words the way you want them to. Then say “thanks” for using the new voice and give them the cookie!

In the teen years, it works the same way.  We simply said “would you like to reword that?”  when they used “that tone”.  During the process, we tried to remain respectful of them and expected them to respect us back. 

I remember one child coming home and telling me about an argument between a mom and kid in the car.  He was shocked at how each treated the other.  That actually made me feel good because disrespect shocked him – and in both directions – which meant he wasn’t used to it.  Good!  We always respected who they were and how they thought.  That didn’t mean we had to go along with what they thought, but we tried to respond in a way that took their feelings into consideration and made sure they knew the words that would get those feelings across respectfully.

We saw another child “learn the words to use” when he took a class on emotional IQ at his high school.  He would begin to argue against something we said, stop himself and say, “tell me why you feel that way”.  Wow!  Knowing the right words to use led to good conversations instead of arguments.

Another son frequently talked about how our family doesn’t yell.  There was no need.  When the words and tone used are good ones, the listener can hear what you are saying just fine without yelling.  

Loud voices and mean comments result in the listeners figuring out how to best defend themselves against the “attack”.  They don’t really hear what you have to say.  Giving kids the words to use early on in life will serve them and you well.

[graduatemom]

It's Time to Unpack!

All of the skills a child knows are neatly packed in the suitcase of his mind. When a child learns a new skill, he is unable to simply shove a few things in the suitcase to the side.  Rather, he needs to completely unpack the suitcase and then slowly repack.   The result?  Chaos, tears, frustration and eventually, satisfaction.

  When a toddler learns to walk, he suddenly has trouble with crawling, getting his needs across with the few words he knows and his bedtime routine goes out the window.  As the walking skill becomes a little more refined, he will “repack” his other skills and once again be a happy (most of the time) camper.

  As a parent, it is important to know this about your little one so that you have the extra patience you need when your routine is disrupted.  Just keep telling yourself that it isn’t personal and what seems like going backwards is really a sign of going forward.  Now is the time to give them a little extra comfort versus showing them your own frustration.  It’s hard work learning new skills and Mom and Dad are needed for support more than ever!

  On a side note, it seems people do this with new grief as well.  When my Dad died, it was a grief like I had never known before.  Over the first year, I worked my way through the worst of it and eventually only focused on the positive things he brought to my life when I thought of him.  The pain subsided.  However, I find that whenever I go through a new, sharp grief, such as when my nephew, Kyle died unexpectedly or my sister, Kate died, I have to completely unpack my grief suitcase. Out comes my Dad’s death, my uncle’s, or any grief due to other major changes in my life.  Each one has to be dealt with again and repacked into the suitcase, this time with room for my new grief too.  Each time, the “older” grief situations can be repacked a little quicker but each needs to be held for a minute, remembered and then gently put back in the case.

  I imagine it is like that for children, too, as they learn new skills.  Each old one has to be brushed off and thought about again.  And repacking gets a little easier and faster each time.

[graduatemom]

R-E-S-P-E-C-T

There is much evidence that emotional harm experienced during childhood can have lifelong effects.  Whenever I overhear someone belittling another, particularly a parent to a child, I cringe inside.  Whether it is innocent teasing gone too far, purposefully cruel or done in “the heat of the moment” frustration, it has the same result.  The recipient’s self-confidence goes down a peg.

Swear words were never well-received in our house, but the ones that were absolutely not tolerated were “shut” and “up”.  Telling someone to “shut up” is usually done when you don’t want to hear what someone has to say, or you truly need them to be quiet.  Everyone has a right to speak up as long as they are respectful.  If the boys felt others weren’t being respectful, there were other words that could be used.  Our boys were taught to say phases like:

“I don’t like it when you say that to me.  If makes me feel…”

“That hurts my feelings.  You need to stop.”

“I don’t agree with you.  I think…”

“Stop teasing me.”

Or simply “Please be quiet.”

Addressing what the person was saying instead of shutting down the person handled the situation more effectively.

Calling others or themselves “Dummy” or “Stupid” was also not tolerated.  People aren’t dumb.  They are learning, trying new things, making mistakes, have less experience , have trouble putting things into words or have had fewer opportunities.  I dislike the words so much I refuse to buy a book with the popular “X for Dummies”.  People need help because they are novices, not dumb.

Tim and I also emphasized that people were not for hating.  If one of them said “I hate my teacher.” we would help them sort out that it was what the teacher did they hated, not the person.

We didn’t speak disrespectfully to our boys and expected them do the same with us and others.  Today, I proudly watch them interact with friends and strangers in kind, respectful manners.  They reach out to people who seem to be feeling awkward in a situation.  They words things so the other person hears what they are saying without feeling put down.  Best of all, they are confident, thinking of themselves positively too.

[graduatemom]

Mothering Boys

I was blessed with three sons.   I never thought much of it when they were small... they were children.  As they got older and become boys, the things I didn't have in common with them became more obvious.  The were getting involved in sports, and their dad was the coach.  I was a spectator.  They wanted to rough house with their dad.  They found burps and farts to be the best humor on earth.  I started feeling nervous that I was going to be the mom in the background. The boys and their dad would be the perfect foursome and I would be left out.  

Since I believe in intentional parenting, I also knew that my worries did not need to become reality.  If their dad was going to introduce them to certain interests, then I could introduce them to other ones.  Date night was invented.

Once a quarter or so, I had a date night with each of my sons.  One on one.  Not sports related.  I have a lot of good ideas but am not great on execution.  I am always going to "get around to that", then life gets in the way. (I set up this blog and didn't put in the first entry for 2 years!).   I have learned that what gets on the calendar happens.  For the first date nights, I mailed separate invitations to each of my boys, inviting them on a date...a specific date and activity, then  the restaurant of their choice.

Getting mail was exciting for them.  Putting the date on the calendar and the invite on the refrigerator created anticipation. Their positive reaction convinced me to make date night a recurring event.   I bought a season ticket to a small acting company and we attended plays.  (Each of my -boys got involved in theater, confidently acting and singing on stage through high school.)  We attended or participated in small art projects.  (Two of the boys ended up majoring/minoring in art in college.)  We explored ethnic restaurants and burger joints.  (All of the boys know how to cook and enjoy trying new recipes.  One has taken it on to the point that he makes his own bagels!)

The boys still like sports.  They participated (to varying degrees) in sports including football, baseball, soccer and ultimate Frisbee.  They cheer for their teams.  They also go to movies, attend plays and art exhibits, and are foodies.  

To this day, we will look at each other and say "Date night!" - meaning that we will explore a new restaurant or go to a play.

Nothing dictates which interests your children will end up adopting as they become adults.  Their dad taught the kids to be active, learn teamwork and enjoy sports.  I taught them that there were many other things to do too.   I did myself and my children a favor when I broadened their exposure to the world and all the interesting things that are in it.  Now they do that for me - sharing their world and new discoveries and interests to keep my interests broader.

I am not in the background, rather I have a full relationship with my adult sons.

[graduatemom]

Before I got married I had six theories about bringing up children; now I have six children, and no theories. ~John Wilmot

[graduatemom]

The View from Here

My children are launched.  The role of a parent is very different with adult children so I am still learning.  Intentional parenting was and is important to me.  One of my boys suggested I look back and see what parenting approaches I used and what would I say about them now that I have seen them play out.  This blog will attempt to capture the things I learned from books, classes and life that altered the way I thought about raising kids.

Welcome to the view from here!