Gray Lines

A blog about me. My life called for an outlet to these bursting emotions, and thankfully, I've found one.

[graylinesblog]

Saying goodbye

My partner and I split after so long together and it was arguably the hardest thing I've ever had to do on my entire life.

It was mutual, I'm still not sure how to feel about it. If we both agreed that we're not what we need, why do I still feel like the pain in my heart is spreading?

I look back at all of our good and bad times and in the end I do feel like the decision is for the best. But I miss him, he did make me feel good when he was responsive and adamant about being together. We both killed each other's drive for life and didn't even realize it. He needed a person filled with energy and a flair to be the center of attention. I needed a person with emotionally sensitivity and who could make me feel wanted.

We both just aren't either of those.

I miss being able to text him and knowing that eventually he'll see what I say. I miss his smug face and I'll miss hearing him say he's proud of me.

Goodbye.

[maybe-you-need-this]

[graylinesblog]

I feel burnt out

everyday I wake up and I wonder what the fuck I am doing

everyday I wake up and I contemplate what will finally push me over the edge to kill myself

i feel like a fire that has run out of wood, i feel like everytime i start up again someone splashes a bucket of water onto me

will i ever be enough to just exist, will my efforts be enough to become who i want to become 

sobriety is a spark and everytime i look at a bottle of alcohol or a nug of weed i cant help but think of how much i want to consume both

every spark has to be consumed in my head or it will consume all of me, im afraid of what ill become when i look at these things and im afraid of what ill become if things for once turn out well

how long will the good times last before the inevitable downfall comes again

emotional intimacy, physical intimacy, being content with who i am, love, anger, and hate, fulfillment, all of these things have jumped over me, they want nothing to do with me

i want to be enough, i want to have a moment to prove myself, but it’ll never happen

[graylinesblog]

Passion

Today marks me being out of college for two months now. I am no more encouraged to get a job in the major I graduated in and I am no more encouraged to get a part-time job that just pays the bills. 

I’ve been blessed with the opportunity to figure out what... I’m doing with my time and not have to worry about finances for once in my life. 

I truly believe we only have one life on this planet and everytime I think about my lack of any emotion other than my depression and lame self pity. I have so much to be thankful for, a roof over my head, food in my belly, and the love of my boyfriend. But yet, there has never been any compelling passion or one thing in my life that makes sense. Nothing I’ve done really entertains me, even my short list of hobbies have grown boring and dry to me. 

However, the lack of opportunity and new surroundings has left me feeling empty and unable to escape the four walls that constantly face me day in and day out. Everything I’ve ever done in my free time was always just a hobby, something small to distract me from every day life, never something I pursued seriously or that I or my parents gave much thought. I would try something and then I would fail tremendously, I would try something again and again and again and just keep... failing. I would sob as quietly as I could until I passed out on those nights, barricaded in my room assuring everyone that everything was fine and that I just needed some time alone. Little did I realize that all the time I spent alone had created a void in my heart, I closed myself off from everyone constantly.

I distinctly remember my mother reaching out to me once, she had become increasingly exasperated with constantly fighting with me or my emotions throwing me into an inconsolable fit. I shut her down, but I also didn’t really know why... I was like that, or why I still am. 

I just need to feel something new, I’m numb and when I see other people’s passions or work I can’t help but feel moved. I cry or I smile, or I do both. This world is so beautiful but also so horrible that it leaves me wishing for more from myself and the environment around me. This stagnant air... It’s suffocating. The world is my oyster now that I’m free from college, but I’ve never felt so closed off from any opportunity whatsoever.

[graylinesblog]

To Be Selfish

The problems with our relationship seem blatantly obvious to me, I’ve even come clean about the explicit problems we have. There’s nothing more that I want than to work this out, I’ve been in this for the long haul. I owe him almost everything, part of who I am today is because of him.

But whenever I bring up our lack of intimacy he brushes it off like it’s no big deal, he won’t tell me why he’s not interested. I gained forty pounds in college and I’ve been working hard to lose it, but I was still so small that it’s not even a big deal. He also gained a bit of weight but I’m still really interested in being close to him. 

I always see things online about men being happy about pleasing their woman, let alone their partner. I crave that, I need that. Four years it’s been with this man and I feel empty most of the time. I feel like I’m a friend to him, we do almost nothing together, just us. We don’t have any intimacy, and when I voice these problems I’m ultimately brushed off or he can’t find the words to explain how he’s feeling. I just want to feel wanted and everything hurts when I think about it. 

I feel like he treats me like a bother sometimes and then gets irritated when I get upset about it. I’m lucky to have a hand on my lap, or a peck on the lips, a hug seems like a chore and when I try to reach for more he brushes me off and says he needs to do something or there’s something more important.

There are other times when the only thing keeping me grounded to reality is him. That his hugs remind me that everything is going to be okay and that I needn’t worry as much as I am. The way he looks at me says that he would do anything assure my happiness.

I’m just confused, and I wish I could be more selfish with him.

[graylinesblog]

Families

For most of my life I’ve known financial struggle. My mother is poor, her mother is poor, my entire hick family is poor. I’ve descended from a long line of coal miners, military personnel and farmers, hard workers who are incredibly family oriented and often closed-minded. 

My boyfriends family is very Italian, so much that it is run by a matriarchal head that still makes enough spaghetti to feed a family of twelve when we have dinners together. They’re not well off, like my family, but I can tell that they love every minute they spend together.

However, like every family, there are flaws. My own family has belittled me simply for being a woman or pansexual. I grit my teeth and move on with my life, ascertaining to myself that I have nothing to prove to them. My mother and I were alone for most of my childhood, my father came back into our lives more permanently when I was a teenager. I remember nights where I would listen to them scream at each other from the room adjacent to mine. I would feel bad for existing, even though the arguments were most likely not about me. I wouldn’t even watch TV or entertain myself like, I guess, a normal kid would. My ear was always placed against the wall or my door, and I would listen for their footsteps in case they were to come check on me. Then I would act like a normal child, playing with my Teen Titans toys and Hot-wheels. 

When I finally got to high school, it felt like I was always alone, even though I was never home and always busy. I was in almost all the extra-curricular activities my school offered and most of my fondest memories were developed in marching band and robotics. Some days I wish I could relive a moment in band, whether it be practice or a performance, music made me feel whole even while our director often was not the most encouraging. Some of my closest friends today were made during those years, I hope to never lose them. My life has been drama free, mostly because I am too lazy to create or be a part of drama, but also out of fear of losing those who are closest to me. 

College, when I was finally truly alone, was some of the roughest years of my life. I joined a co-ed professional engineering fraternity, even though it cost me every penny I had. I lived in a building with a bunch of young adults who were in the same major as me, and a lot of them were similar to me. It was refreshing, but I didn’t know how to bridge the gap from strangers to friends. Free time usually meant studying or eating, or both. Freshman fifteen hit me harder than I thought it would, and what the hell was a sleep schedule?

[graylinesblog]

Gray Lines

Today is the day that I chose to officially write about the developments of my life. These moments are what truly make me into the person that I am. Sometimes these moments are too much, and sometimes they are just right. It’s hard for me to explain to most people, and unfortunately, it’s hard for me to explain to the people who are closest to me. 

There isn’t a day that goes by that I want to reach out to them and tell them what’s whirls through my brain on a day to day basis. Moments in my brain that just blur my reality, make me wonder what comes next, or if there will even be a next. 

My whole life I’ve written stories, there was also a time where I wrote in a diary at least once a week. These excerpts show me that this inner struggle goes back years, it makes me wonder how much longer I will be like this. I truly wonder to myself if anyone else ever feels like this, but I’m sure that there is. There are so many people on this wonderful world, it would be impossible for me to be singled out in this existence to be the only one suffering. However, it brings me not a single ounce of joy to learn that other people are standing on these gray lines. When and where do the colors start bursting into our lives? Are they driving and exciting, will I feel compelled to act as an individual in this world when they happen?

I expected to find answers with love, answers to my emptiness. But instead I have been left with more questions and an even worse despondency. Loss leaves me awake at night while my boyfriend sleeps soundly beside me. We are both feeling that our lives need more, want more. The things that we are seeking however, I’m not sure if they align or not. Hearing from coaches and people who have been in many relationships, expectations can shatter our realities. Knowing this, I try not to impose my previous expectations onto us or him for that matter. Still, it feels like I am a puzzle piece with no proper place.

I am more broke now that I was when I didn’t have a job and when I didn’t have bills. Graduation quickly approaches and applying for jobs has drained me more than the curriculum of my previous engineering major. Rejection emails file in and I don’t necessarily blame them, my resume doesn’t look any different from any of the other thousands of new graduates. My boyfriend has graduated, and he makes decent money, but to me he’s like Bill Gates. Before him, when I need a couple of hygiene products that maybe cost one or two tanks of gas, I had to consider which I can live without. Now he will buy them for me and a friendly reprimand comes with it for not expressing my need for them. These actions of his cause me to feel a thankfulness I only ever felt when my best friend let me essentially live with her for a semester because I couldn’t afford gas to commute to school. It also made me feel an uncontrollable amount of anguish. As an adult, I was still a burden to everyone around me, especially those who were close to me. I felt like I was exploiting their kindness, and my mother’s words about me being selfish burned into my mind daily. I had no way to express my thankfulness except for my words, and they felt empty, because I wanted to do so much more for them. 

SELFISH.

That word will forever haunt my day to day life. No matter how many snacks I can spare to homeless people around my university, no matter how many animals or people I volunteer with, no matter what major I choose to help the world, it’s all because in some way I benefit. 

SELFISH.

It hurts when I type it out, every letter feels like a brand. It hurts, and it hurts, and I can’t stand under this pressure to shake the feeling that I’m not actually selfish. Every day, every kiss or hug, ever favor or opportunity I take, I can’t shake it off. 

And maybe I won’t. There are times when my actions bring happiness to the people around me. A homeless man once said I was the most beautiful women he’s ever seen, and I don’t know if I buy that, but I appreciate his comment all the same. His words were so kind, and it was all over just a small Fuji red apple I had that I didn’t eat at lunch time. Homeless veterans couldn’t believe their ears when Bon Jovi was playing on my iPod as I folded and stamped letters. The sang and danced in their seats, and for a moment everything in this world felt pure. I used to volunteer for a man who took care of disowned parrots and other exotic birds. Birds have the intelligence of human toddlers, and they will remember your face. This man dedicated his livelihood and money for these animals, and I just happened to waltz into his sanctuary one weekend and asked for some weekly volunteer hours. His bond with these birds was the most innocent and pure thing I have ever experienced. They loved him, that much was obvious, but he would talk to them as if they were people. He knew which birds, who all looked the same to me, loved certain foods over others. He knew which ones liked head rubs or wing massages, it was honestly one of the most eye opening experiences of my life. I hope to one day repay him, I’ve never gone back there, I’m entirely too nervous for that type of interaction. 

There are good days, and there are bad days. More often than not however, there are gray days. I’m trying my best to keep going, I just hope that the happiness around me is enough for my heart to carry me. For now, this rainbow keyboard, my tortoiseshell cat, and this wonderful apartment make me smile.