The year is almost over, and I've been thinking a lot about the past few years, and thinking about what I'd like to accomplish in 2016.
The last two years have been the most difficult years of my life. It may sound a bit dramatic (and I won't go into details publicly), but if things had gone just a little bit differently, I may not have made it. It's taken a lot of time and a lot of effort, but I'm recovering. Things aren't perfect, I've had my share of bad days recently. But I'm learning to work through it, and I'm finding healthy, productive ways to cope.
Little by little, I'm finally learning to love myself. I'm beginning to forgive myself for the mistakes I've made. I'm learning to block out that voice in my head that tells me that I'm a waste of time and space, that no one will ever love me, and that people in my life are better off without me. I've worked very, very hard to get where I am, and I've come a long way. I've grown a lot recently, and I'm a much better person than I used to be.
I'm still really scared about a lot of things. I'm still terrified of talking to new people. I'm afraid they won't like me once they get to know me better, or that I'll say something stupid and make someone uncomfortable. I'm afraid to be myself in front of other people, because I still feel ashamed of who I am. I'm afraid that I won't be able to succeed. I'm scared that I won't be able to handle the responsibilities of being independent and living on my own, that I'll crumble under the pressure and fail. I'm scared that even after everything I've been through, and all my hard work, I'll still end up being helpless, worthless, and alone. But I'm doing my best to be brave. I want to believe that things will be okay as long I keep trying.
Right now, I feel like a have a lot to look forward to. I've been setting a lot of goals for myself, and I've been working hard and making plans to reach them. I've also gotten some interesting opportunities lately, and I've had the chance to meet some wonderful people, who I hope I'll get to know better in the future. For the first time in my life, I'm beginning to feel more comfortable sharing things about myself: I'm getting better about expressing my feelings and interests, instead of bottling them up and keeping everything to myself (which is why I'm sharing this in the first place). I'm working really hard to move forward, and to keep getting better.
I'm posting all this as a kind of promise to myself (and if you're reading this, then consider yourself my witness.) I'm gonna keep doing the best I can, no matter how hard things get. Even if I end up falling apart again, I'm gonna get back up and keep trying; I've come too far to quit now. I know that probably sounds sounds kinda lame, but that's honestly how I feel right now.
I feel really embarrassed about writing all this sappy stuff, I'm not so great at talking about stuff like this. But it's important to me that I say it out loud. I know it's kinda long and rambley, but if you read the whole thing then thanks for listening, it means a lot to me (If you didn't then that's okay too! I totally understand, haha)
Anyway, I really hope that things go well for all of you, too. I hope that you all had a wonderful holiday, and that 2016 ends up being a good year for you <3
