cheerful goblin
my heart grew three sizes

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@greennewbean
cheerful goblin
my heart grew three sizes
New-York Tribune, New York, December 17, 1916
Bitch that is a LOOK
listen this is the fucking funniest garfield strip. you just can't top this one i'm sorry
some memes I made to express my current frustrations with academia feel free to add your own
Iâm just dying while thinking about a hotel employee calmly Googling âHow to fold a towel in the shape of an elephant,â and then going out to buy eye stickers.
I think these would guarantee return bookings. Â Loving the elephant.
I worked in a hotel for a year. Hotel staff LOVE silly requests because otherwise our job is just mundane. It gives the front desk a chance to do something creative.
aaaa this is so lovely
[A large and fluffy dog is sleeping on a porch. A tiny grey bird is bouncing around on the dog, stealing its fur. Â Its tiny beak is full of dog floof. Â The dog is totally still and does not appear to have noticed the thief.]
a burglar
a birbler
hereâs a picture of a baby cedar waxwing begging for food from a robin. neither of these species are nest parasites, so itâs not possible the cedar waxwing was âadoptedâ. this is essentially the bird version of tapping a random person on the shoulder at the grocery store and going âMOMâ
x
I love that the robinâs body language is basically WHAT THE FUCK WHOSE KID IS THIS
Robin is bathing which makeâs it even funnier. More like the equivalent of a strange kid barging in while youâre taking a shower and demanding you make them mac n cheese right now
Doulingo for Talking to Children - SNL
One of my favorite sketches (even if itâs digital) of the night!
Kept getting funnier and funnier
dogs with jobs
i wasnt ready for thatÂ
God DAMNIT
reminder: I have another illustration project about coziness and joy on patreon.
Amazing Snow Chonkers
Photos by Sämpy
When I was a kid, my mom was a judge and my dad was starting his solo practice, and they both worked full time. There were four of us kids between the ages of one and seven (the Just Us League) and no decent daycares nearby, so they hired a nanny. She had three almost-adult children, and on days when she couldnât work, one of her kids would substitute. The oldest kid was named Bob, age 18, and he had just finished army basic training when this all went down. Bob did not have the good sense god gave a rock.Â
I have an older brother, Jake, who was seven; then me, Hellen, age five, then Seth, age three, and my little sister Gin would have been one. It was late August, and we were at our nannyâs house, though she was gone for the day. Bob was in charge.
Bob should probably not have been in charge.
Bob tried keeping us entertained with board games and tag and movies. Gin took a nap. Eventually he decided to get creative, and sat us down in the living room with a game and vanished into the garage. There was a smashing sound. And then some saw noises. And then some hammering. And then we saw him going around the house to the back yard through the windows, though we were too short to see what he was doing. And finally, he yelled to us to come out into the driveway.Â
Jake and Seth and I trooped out. Bob had both hands behind his back. He stepped up to Jake and revealed what he had in his right hand.Â
It was a wooden sword. It was clearly made from what appeared to be parts of a chairâs legs, cut down and nailed together. He presented this, and announced, âYou are Sir Jake, the strongest knight!âÂ
He stepped up to Seth and presented what was in his left hand. It was another wooden sword, smaller than the first, also crudely made out of chair legs. He announced, âYou are Sir Seth, the bravest knight!â
At this point, I was practically vibrating in place, waiting eagerly for my sword so I could use it to whale on my brothers, as god intended me to do. I was therefore understandably disappointed to be presented with the business end of a garden hose and told, âYou are Miss Hellen, the Water Fairy!â
âNo,â I said. âI want a sword.â
Bob was confused. âBut you get water magic! Magicâs great!â
âNo.â I repeated, holding the hose. It had a spray nozzle set to jet. âI want a sword.â
âMagicâs great. Magicâs better than a sword.â Bob insisted. âYouâll see. Wait here a moment.â
And then Bob ran around the side of house and vanished.Â
We stood in the driveway. Jake and Seth poked each other with their swords. I spritzed them idly with the hose, trying to decide which of them would be easier to steal a sword from.Â
And then we heard a quiet wooshing noise, and smelled smoke.Â
We turned. As we watched, a line of fire rushed around the corner of the house, consuming a path of gasoline poured into the dry August grass.Â
We paused and considered this for a few moments. I raised the hose and sprayed a jet of water at the fire. It went out. We glanced at each other. Then we took off running, following the trail of fire, spraying as we went.Â
The fire led in a path around the house to the back yard. As we turned the corner, we saw Bob, clad in a bathrobe and holding a curtain rod, standing in the center of a large ring of burning grass. He cackled manically. âI am the FIRE WIZARD! Your puny swords are useless! Nothing but water magic can defeat me!â
I promptly blasted him with the hose. He spluttered. The fire did not go out.Â
I turned the hose on the fire itself, spraying a section close to us so that it would extinguish. As soon as there was enough room, Jake charged forward, brandishing his chair leg sword with a battle cry. Seth, always happy to be included, followed. They ran into the circle and began beating Bob around the kneecaps with their swords. I kept spraying.Â
Eventually, Bob the Fire Wizard was brought down and all the fire was extinguished. Seth and Jake continued to work on bruising Bobâs shins, and I quickly discarded the hose to lend my fists and extremely pointy elbows to the cause. Bob lay in the smoldering grass, probably regretting using such sturdy chair legs.Â
Once weâd all tired ourselves out and lay panting in a heap, Bob decided it was time for the moral of the story. âYou see, a sword is nothing compared to the power of a little girl with **magic**.âÂ
We thought about this for a few moments. Bob nodded wisely. Jake and Seth nodded back.Â
âI still want a sword.â I said.Â
thereâs a lot of people in the tags and replies expressing several concerns, which I will address:
âWhere was Gin?â She was sleeping in a crib on the sunporch. We did this a lotâplayed outside while she nappedâbecause we could hear her if she woke up and started crying, but were less likely to wake her up. She slept through the whole thing and was totally fine.
âYou canât put out a gasoline fire with water.â At the time, my little kid brain assumed that any flammable liquid was gas, but in retrospect it could have been almost anything. It very well may have been something other than gasoline. All I know is I could extinguish it with a garden hose.
âWhat did your parents say?â A lot of swear words at a very high volume.
âDid you get a sword?â Yes. Lots. Here are a couple of them, and also my pet ringneck dove, Arson. You can see how this all may have had some lasting effect on me.
Is that a real bird?? :0
Yes, sheâs real. This is Arson, her mate, Larceny, and their idiot children, Forgery and Fraud.
Arson lives her life constantly wishing she had opposable thumbs so she could light fires.
ok, iâm built like a noble ox. like i am 6â˛1 and i am sturdy lady. like thighs for days. if you try to move me. you will be moved. body images aside (lol, i am self conscious about my size, yeah itâs life)Â
so like, i am very used to girls standing next to me in public places. i end up acquiring a pack of ladies. just because women are like, that lady is a lady men stay away from. i am jerk kryptonite (usually, i get my fair share of creeps, such is life) but most men have self preservation that this 6â˛1 ox will break them. and i will
so usually i am in my own phone and look up to another lady standing next to me. and i will immediately look up and make eye contact and nod. like, you know, that nod. i see you and you can talk if there is something wrong. i end up on a reg basis being a defacto bodyguard to these young ladies and small women while waiting for buses and in the metro.Â
i am a large oak tree. i protect the other birds.Â
ladies, we all got roles. find tree in the wild. weâre always happy to provide shelter from the creeps.
iâve regularly said, âmove on, she doesnât want to be your friendâ
Iâm in love
Story time: So Iâm 6â2 and âbig bonedâ as my mother would call it. This happens to me all the time and a couple years ago I managed to get the the front row of a Macklemore concert. This woman, probably 5â4, squeezes up next to me and says, âHey, Iâm here alone, do you mind if I stand in front of you?â Of course not. So weâre all having a good time, dancing around, when all of a sudden this Broâ˘ď¸ is behind me telling me that Iâm too tall to be in the front row and itâs not fair. Now, keep in mind that this concert was outside, in February, in Vail CO. It was FREEZING so not only am I of the stature I am but I had my hair up and a beanie on and a big coat and boots. We try our best to ignore him but Broâ˘ď¸ is drunk and very clearly thinks Iâm a man and proceeds to punch me in the back of the head.
LIL SIS WENT OFF, FOLKS. This tiny woman literally moved me out of the way, jumped up, and head butted Broâ˘ď¸ in the face with such a fury. I thought she was going to kill him, it was truly a beautiful moment in my life.
The moral of the story is that for every tree in the wild there is a cute little birdy who will defend its shelter to the death. Stick together ladiesđŻââď¸
NOW I AM IN LOVE.