GIVE ME ALL YOUR SAD TSUKISHIMA HEADCANONS HERE. TEAR THAT BOY APART FOR ME BB
ăThank you so much for requesting this, okay. It gets gradually happier as the list goes on, by the way, so the whole thing isnât a terrible sob festâŠALSO DISCLAIMER TRIGGER WARNING FOR ANYONE WHO IS UNCOMFORTABLE TOWARDS THE TOPICS OF AN ED OF ANY SORT OR SELF HARMă
- Tsukishima would only ever admit his struggles of he was very, very close to you, even then he would have trouble. Itâs something heâs very self conscious about, something that still haunts him and lingers in the shadows of his mind. It all started when he was 12, or 13 maybe. Still numb from the tragic betrayal of his brother, he only got more and more distant by the day. Those dark feelings mixed with his arising teenage hormones weâre not a good mix for his overall mental health. Obsessive Compulsive Disorder began eating at him far before an ED even came into play. They conjured up thoughts of failure, thoughts of perfection, and soon enough, everything in Tsukishimaâs life had to be perfect, perfect, perfect. He had to get exactly a 100% on his Algebra test, he had to clean his room for exactly 30 minutes, he had to do everything exact. Everyone he was close to had began to think it was just a temporary inferiority complex. People would say, âof course he doesnât care about that, heâs a teenagerâ and âteenagers tend to ignore a lot of thingsâ but even if Tsukishima didnât completely understand the situation he was in, he knew it wasnât just a âteenager thingâ. His mother brought him to a psychiatrist once or twice, and despite the fact that he was, in fact, diagnosed, his mother was in denial, and so was everybody else he knew. Of course, his mother meant well, but needless to say, she thought it was just a phase. In real life, not that many people could see past his pretentious persona, but the people who squinted through those translucent walls of his could sense that something was up. Yamaguchi, especially. Eventually, those thoughts of perfection had moved onto something bigger than grades and friendships, his body. He began counting every calorie he ate, every pound he lost. He had an image in his mind that screamed, âperfectionâ and he would do anything to achieve that. Numbers were slowly becoming the center of his life, and from the time he woke up, to the time he went to bed, all he could think about was numbers. His OCD and inferiority complex are things that are still prominent in his life, even to this day, but his ED was always something that fluctuated. For a long time, he didnât even realize he was starving himself, and what he was doing was classified as a very tragic mental problem. It only came to his realization in his last year of middle school in health class, while the teacher was discussing disorders teens had. âAnorexia Nervosaâ, a slide up on the board that was colored a putrid green, had gotten his attention, fast. He noticed the faces of some girls, how they looked nervously down at their feet as the teacher continued his rambles. He wanted to reach out to them, ask them if they were ok, but brushed it off. If you had asked him what he thought of that disorder in that moment, he would have said itâs âA stupid feminine issue, and they can rot, for all I care.âBut he really did care.This word, âAnorexiaâ, had put the past two years of his life in perspective. It explained everything.And it hurt.He still continued his tendencies, growing more and more attached to it now that he knew it was a real, his problem was real and therefore it had meaning. He slowly grew bulimic, as well. When he ate 635 calories instead of his perfect 500, he learned to well, just puke it up. Slowly slowly, Tsukishima started to decay. At 6â0 he was only 125 pounds, and people he knew started growing concerned, but he didnât care. He only got worse by the day, his forms of self harm growing more and more destructive. Since then, Tsukishima has healed, but those thoughts of perfection and deterioration still linger on his skin and in his mind. Yamaguchi, although he knows very well of the way Tsukishima thinks, still doesnât know what went down in middle school, and Tsukishima never intends on letting him know. The only two people who know, besides his family, is Kuroo, Akaashi and Daichi.Daichi found out when they were changing one day. He noticed the scars on his arm and thighs and couldnât help but ask, because if there was anything going on with one of his most valuable teammates, he sure as hell was going to fix it. He more or less milked the answer out of him, but now that he knows, heâs a lot more understanding of him than the other teammates. Kuroo found out while they were in gym three. Bokuto had brought some snack into the gym, and while Tsukishima really did heal, scars crack open. The thoughts come scampering back sometimes, and on this day in particular, they flooded his mind. Kuroo, being Kuroo, was oblivious to the situation at hand, teasing him about the fact that he was âso skinnyâ and âreally needed that foodâ. Akaashi, however, was not so simple minded. He had taken note of the way Tsukishima reacted towards things during the time he had spent at the camp. Akaashiâs good at analyzing people, and he analyzed Tsukishima in the same way he does Bokuto. In that moment, Tsukishima wasnât as pissed as he was upset, and whist Kuroo chased after him in attempts to apologize, Tsukishima spilled. These thoughts only ever haunt him once or twice every couple months, and theyâre never strong enough to consume him. Although, raging thoughts of perfection still dwell in that crowded mind of his. After the Shiratorizawa match, where he said thereâs no reason anyone should be proud, for he had only blocked one spike, that was the inferiority. His mind is a hurricane of wanting more, more, more, and not wanting anything at all. He wants to try, he has goals and morals and standards, but insecurity drags those down and makes him think that nothing matters. Heâs working on it, he is, but Tsukishima has come to terms with who he is, and changing who he is is something heâs done with doing.
- Heâs always cared about volleyball, from the day he met Hinata for the first time to the moment he blocked Ushijimaâs spike. Although, despite the many times has he said that âthis is just a clubâ and âwhatâs the point in trying if somebodyâs always going to be better?â he still tries. Although he may not be giving it all like Hinata or Kageyama, heâs still trying. If he really didnât care, thought of it as just some stupid club, do you think heâd really still be involved? After Akiteruâs betrayal, he couldâve just abandoned it completely. He couldâve easily played basketball, with that height of his, or joined any other club if he wanted to, but he stuck with volleyball. I believe if Yamaguchi were to confront him earlier, ask him âif you didnât care at all, why are you still here?â he wouldnât be able to give a proper answer. He says thereâs no point in trying if somebodyâs always going to be better, but he just doesnât want to get too attached to it, like his brother was.
- Truth is, he doesnât like getting close to anything, these days, and thatâs why ever since the accident heâs been colder towards Yamaguchi. He doesnât want to let people or things into his life, because anything that canât benefit him in any way could hurt him. It happened with his brother, it happened with volleyball. He keeps people out in any way he can. Tsukishima is not an asshole. He wants other people to believe heâs an asshole, though, so they donât stick around him. When heâs being genuine, heâs shy. When he asks people questions, he has his head down, hands interlaced. He doesnât like opening up to people, and when he does, heâs vulnerable. Heâs been betrayed, and like hell heâs ever going to let anything betray him again.
- Growing up, Kei never had a father. After his mother got pregnant with him, his father disappeared, leaving her to take care of her two boys on her own. Akiteru, being five at the time, was absolutely heartbroken by this. Even if he was five, he understood what was going on, and what was going to happen. Every time his father would leave for work, heâd refer to him as âthe man of the houseâ, and thatâs exactly what he was now. His little brother, Kei, was never going to experience having a father, so Akiteru, at five years old, decided that he was going to be the father figure for him, and thatâs exactly what he grew up to be. Akiteru was pretty much a mentor for him, a role model, and thatâs why heâd lie to his brother, so heâd keep setting âgood examplesâ and trying to be a person who his brother could be proud of. In the end, it was devastating for both of them. Akiteru had lost the most important person in his life, and Kei was facing the betrayal of his superhero.
- Itâs very rare that somebody comes along that Tsukishima takes a liking to. Before the whole accident, Tsukishima was already closed off. His brother even scolded him for not getting along with the other kids. Yamaguchi practically dug his way into Tsukishimaâs life, and if it werenât for him confronting the bullies, they wouldâve never been friends to begin with. They probably wouldnât have gone to the same schools, and even if they did, Yamaguchi would most likely get closer to Hinata, than anyone. Besides Yamaguchi, Tsukishima doesnât really consider himself to have friends. Hinata and Kageyama are just teammates, and like hell heâd associate with them anywhere outside. He talks a great deal to Akaashi, but really itâs only ever about how their teams are doing, more than anything. Bokuto and Kuroo are more like mentors, and he canât see him getting buddy-buddy with Bokuto, even if he was the one who practically helped him overcome his fear of getting too attached to volleyball. Tsukishima believes himself the next person he gets close to will definitely be his future significant other, because he just canât see himself making new friends anytime soon.
- He has a ton of marks on his body, self inflicted, and not. He happened to grow a lot during the span of middle school, especially around the time when he had an ED. He had his greatest growth spurts during that time, and with all the chaos of gaining and losing and purging, he got stretch marks. His body was always fluctuating, and because he grew so fast, he was cursed with them on his sides, stomach, and thighs. He doesnât like them all that much, especially since nobody else on his team has them, but what he really hates, is his scars. He regrets it more than anything, cutting himself, because when he did, heâd cut a lot, and deep. So deep he remembers seeing the white of his flesh in between the wound. Unfortunately, they didnât heal well at all, the scar tissue a bruising purple and rougher than his skin. Theyâre mostly on his thighs, but he has a few littered on his hips and forearms, as well. Those ones happened to heal better, practically disappearing at this point, much to his pleasure. During the summer, heâs always a bit self conscious to go anywhere, always fearing that somebodyâs going to confront him about them.
- Sometimes, especially late at night, heâll find himself crying. Every so often heâll throw himself into a state of existentialism, and question his existence, and everyone elseâs existence, for that matter, until he gives himself a headache. He has the tendency to over think things, especially things about himself, and once he starts thinking about something inconvenient, heâll think about it so much that he freaks himself out, until he needs reassurance that everything will be okay, or else heâll lose it. Often times, he can assure himself, but he doesnât believe himself. He knows itâs an annoying habit, but heâll constantly ask his mother if she hates him, or if heâs doing okay, just because he needs to hear it out loud before believing it himself.
- When he finds himself over thinking, heâll get out of bed and distract himself. Those dinosaur figurines are pretty much there so he doesnât kill himself in the middle of the night. More often than not, heâll get up, rearrange them by period, then order, family genus and species, then alphabetically until he forgets whatever was bothering him in the first place. A lot of times, his overthinking isnât all that self destructive. When it is destructive, the dinosaurs have no chance at helping him, but when it comes to him just remembering something stupid he said in 6th grade, or a really embarrassing move he made somewhere, the dinosaurs are there to cure what ails him.
- Although he doesnât really think of himself to be all that great, he likes writing. He has a binder, a big white one that has so many indents on the cover you couldnât even count, and itâs filled with poems and thoughts and short stories heâs created over the past few years. He keeps his older ones mainly for the fact that he loves embarrassing himself sometimes, but a lot of them are terrifying and show a side of him that no longer exists. A lot of what he writes is just tangents, small narratives that start out neatly written and based on a theme, but end up in violent scribbles and on a topic completely different than the one he started with. Itâs a way to get his feelings out without actually having to share them. Although, he might show somebody he loves the binder one day, just so they can get a glimpse at who he was in the past.
- He has hope for himself. He knows heâs still insane and sick in the mind but heâs come to terms with himself, and thereâs nothing he wants more than a good future. He wants the rest of his life to be on track; graduate high school, go to a good college, get married, have kids, maybe. He knows eternal happiness is too much to ask for, but heâs just striving to be content. He wants to forever live in the feeling of having that slight weight on his shoulders, but still be able to lean back and say, âIâm free.â
heyyyyyyy. recently found myself in a place of horrors and discovered that TOO MANY OF YALL ON THE INTERNET HAVE SEEMED TO TAKE THIS POST AND RUN WITH IT đđđ In the past week I have seen so much Tsukishima Kei ED fanfic!!!!! oh no!!!!!!
I hope the Tsukishima I used to write is doing better and I hope yall are too!














