Last night, I randomly thought of the all the people Iāve met and been with before. How I let them be my friend, my enemy, my lover. How I let them have access to me and influence my decisions and choices in life. To be honest, some of them, I regret meeting. Like, if Iāll be given a chance to meet them again, Iād rather just stay in bed, sleep all day and live peacefully. And then, there is this one person who I never regret sharing my parts with. That even in the after life, Iāll still search for him because itās still him whom I want to be with.
The idea of not knowing him in this shitty world we live in, scares me. He became my refuge in times chaos. The one I can call home. The one I never regret knowing. I never regret him touching me. I never regret letting him see parts of me that I never want others to see. I never regret or been embarrassed of him kissing me in public or holding my hand. I never regret him meeting my loved ones. I never regret the fights or the arguments we had. I never regret being mad. I never regret the chances I gave. I never regret being open. I never regret being sad because of him. And no matter how bad the situation can get, itās still him whom I never regret choosing.
Out of all the bad things Iāve encountered these past few years, heās the only good I had. And no matter how many miles away he is from me, that even if he is walking towards a different direction now, I will still see him as the only person whom I do not regret not regretting.
Did this for my photography class. It was actually the first time I designed my own backdrop and did a commercial styled photo. Posting this hereĀ ācause Iām proud.
āBecause Iāve realized that no matter where you are or what youāre doing or who youāre with I will always, honestly, truly, completely love you.āĀ ā Love, Rosie (2014)
Today marks our first anniversary, well supposed to be. I know I shouldnāt be doing this and that I should be focusing on myself or sleepingĀ ācause itās almost 3 am but, I still canāt help myself from thinking about the things that couldāve happened today if we didnāt break up that night. To be completely honest, days after that, I realized how petty that fight was. How anger and sadness blinded us, and how we failed to think of the fact that we are not enemies, that if there is someone who should win, then it should be US, our relationship.
Donāt get me wrong, when I said I respect your decision, I meant it. Itās just that, I want to be okay as well, but I donāt want to be so if itās not with you. I am still holding on to that 1% chance that we can get back together and patch things up like we used to. But at the same time, I want you to focus on your healing too. Iām torn between moving on and waiting for you. And up until now, I have no idea on which path Iāll go. I canāt imagine days without you, the anxiety it gives every time I think of the following days, weeks, months of not seeing you, talking to you, hearing your voice or witnessing you smile.Ā
I have no idea if youāll visit this page and obviously, I have no plans on sending you this. But, if ever youāll see this, I made this long ass post because I want to make a ācouldāve been anniversary letter or messageā. Here it goes:
Hi Mahal!
Happy first anniversary! I canāt believe itās already a year. I can still remember the first time we talked again after two years, canāt deny the fact that it still gives me butterflies tho itās been long ago. God knows how grateful I am to have you again. And I never thought that after years, itās still you, itās always been you. I never regret showing you who I really am and exposing my flaws and imperfections, for you accepted it for what it is. You never demand change or hate me for those things. You look at me and hold me like Iām the most expensive thing in the world. I admit there are times you made me so mad and sad, but it canāt compare to the days where you made me feel the happiest.
I hate it when you say I donāt appreciate even your small efforts, you have no idea how you make me SO happy just by simply existing. The simple good morning texts, the how are yous, the random voice calls of you singing, or for sending me videos of you kissing your phoneās camera pretending it was me.
Thank you for without you, I wouldnāt learn to accept me. You made me realize things, you made me open my eyes and took me to places Iāve never been before. It has been a crazy ass year for us, countless petty fights, days of ignoring each other, gallons of tears, but all of these, I donāt mind experiencing, as long as itās with you and nobody else. Thank you for showing me parts of you that you never showed anyone else. Thank you for being transparent and for your patience. I apologize for the days where I failed to see your pain or for not being there when you need me. I'm sorry for being a brat sometimes. I know Iām not perfect, but I promise you Iāll be willing to show more and be better if youāll allow me to. Iām looking forward to more years of unplanned dates, cuddles, victories or defeats, fights and happy moments with you. I canāt wait to see you, us, grow and be successful.Ā Keep in mind that Iāll be here for you always supporting you all throughout. I love you so much, words canāt explain.Ā
today i woke up with an āi donāt want to be too hard on myself anymoreā thought in my head. i want to learn how to accept that there are some things in life that are not in need of changing. i want to accept that some people will hurt you for some reason and you need to learn how to forgive and move on. this time i want to allow myself and forgive myself as well for committing mistakes. i donāt want to be mad at myself for failing on some circumstances that are beyond my control and blame myself for not doing better or for not even trying. i realized that these things normally happen and every person in this planet encounters the same and iām not
alone.
i want to be there for the people who needs me and my presence. i donāt want to isolate myself anymore and shut people out nor bottle up my emotions. i learned that it is okay to ask for help and there is nothing wrong with doing so. there are certain situations where youāll be needing an extra hand and itās totally fine. i donāt want to be afraid for people to see me weak. i donāt want to be afraid for others to witness my tears. i want to take my time to rest and not be anxious about the idea of being left behind. i want to love me as much as the people around me do. i want to appreciate me more and accept the fact that there are things i canāt do and shit happens but there are still some few good things to look forward to.
i want to start appreciating even my small victories and use my defeats as stepping stones. i want to do all these things for i realized, i cannot give what i donāt have and i wonāt be able to do so if i donāt start today;
janainaart
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