I watched Toy Story 4 for the second time now...
It’s cold in Buenos Aires, so me and my roommate thought it would be a great night to catch a movie. We took a look on the website of the nearest movie theatre around and around many movies that a) we had already watched, b) simply didn’t sound interesting enough or c) Toy Story 4.
Well, even though it “just” came out, my story with this movie is quite long, but I’ll try my best to sum it up here (I’m just going to make this as neutral as possible because who this is about is quite shy, and I would never expose him/her if he/she didn’t want to). There was this person I liked since we were teens and I was never sure if he/she felt the same way. He/She was the only person I couldn’t... “read”, and that fascinated me. But, ok. We became friends and soon this feeling that was already quite big, let’s say, became bigger and stronger. It was the first time I actually felt what people call “love”. It is something that I simply cannot put into words, even though I try my best at times.
After 1 or 2 moths we were already having sleep overs, sharing secrets, going out... He/She was my best friend. But after some time, when we were close to graduating high school, that feeling I had since I laid eyes on him/her just felt... unbearable (that’s the word that comes to me right now). I remember we had this fight where he/she said I didn’t trust him/her enough to talk about my feelings and some other stuff.. We stopped talking for what it seemed like forever and that, simply wrecked me. Until this one night, I went online, on a 4:00-A.M-sleepless-night, and he/she was there, online as well. I reached him/her saying we needed to talk. I said the reason I was kinda weird was because I liked someone. He/She said that it was great news and asked if he/she knew who I was talking about. I said “Yeah. It is you.”. There was a moment of “awkward silence” between the two of us and looking back now, I don’t actually remember what happened after, just that we got back with our friendship and after graduation we went separate ways. We didn’t talk anymore, but we did exchange few messages on special dates, like Christmas, but specially birthdays.. birthdays were our thing.
As time went by we met on some very few other specific events that do not make a big difference to my whole point to the story. The feeling I had was still there, a little quieter, but it was there, and I still didn’t know if it was mutual. A little before I moved to Buenos Aires I called him/her up, I said I was moving and would really like to see him/her. I needed closure to this one specific theme. I was decided that it was going to be the “now or never” scene, where I would speak my mind with no interruptions, and this time face to face. I was sure I could do it. But, after I saw him/her... I became that 15-year-old again who couldn’t manage to put into word his feelings. We talked for hours, laughed about things from the past and had a very small heart-to-heart at one point. In few hours I suddenly remembered everything I loved about him/her, everything!
We watched Toy Story 4 that night. I wanted to do so much. I wanted to tell him/her how I felt when we were together, how everything made sense when I was next to him/her. But I chocked. I knew what I wanted to do, but I didn’t know how to do it. I didn’t know if I had the guts to do it. After we watched the movie, we went together to the bus stop, and I had, like, this huge anguish in my heart that I knew it would never go away if I let that chance go. “I need to talk to you about something very serious and I need you to listen”, I said. “Well, I’ve just called an Uber to take me home, but we can cancel it within the next 4 minutes if you need.” He/She replied. He/She looked straight at me, tried to calm me down. I closed my eyes and just breathed the words “I love you”. He/She giggled and said “I love you too”. “No, you don’t understand...” I said and started to explain everything I felt since I saw him/her with his/her friend down our school hall on a Monday morning way before we studied in the same classroom together, as perfect timing... His/Her Uber arrived. But before he left, he/she hugged me saying “I wanna hear the rest. This won’t end like this”. Once again, we went separate ways.
But, what happens after you say “Love”? I wish I knew. After that night I texted him/her everything... everything. How I felt, my thoughts, my mind. But he/she didn’t reply. I moved to Argentina and we hadn’t talked since. I believe that a feeling so strong and powerful as love doesn’t go away, it can be transformed, but never vanished. I still love him/her and always will. Sometimes, I do wish I could forget or merely not feel anymore, specially the days when the pain is too much to take. But, all this made me who I am, and I accept that all of this is part of life. I missed him/her. Still do. Will always do.
The next song I’m releasing is about this. It’s about lov. It’s about when words just don’t seem like enough and suddenly you don’t seem like enough as well, but trust me: being open, and talking about how you feel is HELL difficult, but necessary.
“Before I Say Love“ will be out in October in all streaming platforms, everywhere.
